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Joined: Feb 2000
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Hi.<P>Just an update...<P>Well, just last week, I mentioned to my husband that I wanted to join a different health club here in town. You know what he said to me?? "I'll let you move your membership if you'll start having sex with me."<P>What??? Health club?? Sex??? Do those two words seem synonomous to any of you? Well, um...okay...I'm sure that people become attracted to each other at health clubs and thereby want to have sex...but, that's not what I'm talking about [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]. It's like a test..."Sex is to health club as health club is to....???"<P>I'm not stupid. I realize that this is my husband trying to express his need for sex. But, aside from joining a prostitution ring, or sexual harrassment or whatever, I've never heard of making a deal for sex.<P>Nope...no sex here since early March...yes, that's embarrassing and heart-breaking and all of those other "nifty" words.<P>My husband still comes home from work and either ignores me completely or demands to see the checkbook before he's even said "Hello" or "How are ya?"<P>I'm tired of going to bed at night and then being groped when I haven't even been hugged, kissed or spoken to all day long. <P>The good news is that, not only am I NOT attracted to my husband physically, I'm NOT attracted to anyone else, either. Well, isn't that a relief? [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>The "funny" thing is that I'm not attracted to my husband physically, but I LONG for him emotionally. Does that make sense??<P>What is wrong with me? I do know that I'm depressed. I'm trying to work on that via exercise, acting happy, Bible studies, prayer, etc. <P>This may sound silly, but I've often wondered if having an affair killed my desire to have sex with anyone, including my husband. Is this possible? Is this just part of depression?<P>No, I don't feel vulnerable in the sense that there is someone available right here to have an affair with. But, I'm smart enough to remember from last time that it doesn't take much to spark an affair, so I'm continuing to be overly-cautious.<P>I'm calling for my husband, but he's not listening again. I'm lonely and tired, but he doesn't care (again). I'm frustrated and sad, but it doesn't seem to matter.<P>The most irritating part of all of this is that when I leave my home, there is so much pressure for me to be "Pollyanna". When I leave home and go to church or wherever, I am expected to BE a certain way, even if I don't feel like being that way.<P>Good grief, I am QUEEN of rambling. :P<P>I guess I just needed to vent.<P>I'm in the mood for some great, loving, sharp advice, but not a sermon, please.<P>You guys are the best.<P>Jill<P>

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Hi Jill:<P>Correct me if i am wrong but I think you are the one who did not tell your husband about your affair. <P>Do you think in some why he might have felt you pulling away from him emotionally? I think the reason he is longing to have sex with you is because that is how many men feel emotionally connect to a woman. He probably senses some distance between the two of you and he longs to have sex to get that connection again. <P>I could be wrong on all of this but its just a thought. Maybe now is the time you should open up to him and let him know about your affair. Perhaps the guilt and depression you are feeling about your actions is causing your low sex drive. Again this is just a thought. <P>I have read a few of your post and they seem very encouraging to me. In fact when I sign on i look for your name for support. <P>I'll be thinking about you tonight and hoping that tomorrow you have a better day...

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My formerly wayward spouse was very aggressive sexually when he first came home from his fling. This aggression lasted a year. he drank nearly the entire year. Now that he has stopped drinking and is on meds for depression, his libido has bottomed out. Now it's weeks between encounters.<P>I am hoping it's the meds and not me. I'd hate to think he feels the same way towards me that you feel towards your spouse. And I would hate to think that his having a fling took overall desire from him, too.<P>What is it about your husband that you find is sexually unattractive? Is it because your former lover was better in bed and/or had a better body? Just curious. I wonder what is going on in my spouse's head and if he is comparing me to XOW. I keep thinking that maybe she had a better body or the sex they had was better than what he had with me and that's why he is no longer interested in me. Like I said, I hope it's the meds. If it isn't and it's just that he feels like you do, why do you stay with him? Why does my spouse want to be with me, wspecially when in his EN lists, sex was #1.<P>catnip =^^=

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Jill, <P>No sermon here, just a man's perspective. I understand that you need to have an emotional connection to want to have sex with your husband. Believe it or not, he really wants to have an emotional connection with you too. <P>Unfortunately, most men don't really understand emotions (this took me a really long time to figure out.) What sometimes happens, is that a man misses the emotional connection, so he wants it back. The quickest way he knows to get the emotional connection with his wife is to have sex with her. If your husband was to have sex with you now, although he would have the physical release, he probably would not be able to have the emotional connection, and still would not be emotionally satisfied. <P>My wife has also been hesitant in our sexual relationship. The only thing that has alleviated this at all is for me to tell her that although my body is always ready for sex, I don't want her to make love to me until she really wants to. This has made her feel less pressured and she has begun to make some changes which I very much appreciate. <P>I understand that you have decided for the time being to not tell your husband of your mistake, but you might want to ask yourself how your husband feels about being rejected. He has been deprived for two months, while having to look at his beautiful wife who has no desire for him. Jill, you made a mistake, and from what I have read, you are sincerely sorry for that mistake. But perhaps you could do a little bit more to make your husband feel wanted. <P>Instead of just thinking about what your husband said, perhaps you could wonder what emotions he must have been feeling that led him to say it. It looks as though he is very desperate to connect with you to make such an extreme statement. <P>I suggest that you pray and honestly examine yourself to see if you are doing everything you can to improve your marriage. I know that until I took a long hard look at myself, nothing in my marriage changed.<P>May the Lord Bless You and Keep You, <BR>John

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Hi Jill,<P>Well you sure covered a lot of ground here. Let me offer some suggestions for your consideration. It seems to me your H has just shown you a way out of this quandry you are in.<P>He may have been joking about trading sex for a new health club membership, but you are right he is letting you know that he needs you. Now just think about this for a second. <BR>You haven't had sex with him since March and you don't feel like having sex but you sure could use a hug. He doesn't feel like hugging but he sure could use some intimacy. WELL [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] it seems to me a trade is in order here.<P>Jill, think about this. Has this whole thing become a stand off? I suspect so, if your H made the comment he made. He knows you are not interested in him, but he cannot figure out what he did wrong. You want things from him that he is not delivering and you cannot understand what is wrong. Now one or both of you could admit guilt for something to break the stand off but you are not sure you are guilty, it could be the other person.<P>So why don't you offer to trade him. Something you want from him for something he wants from you. That way neither of you have to admit guilt for the state of the marriage, but the deadlock may be broken. You want to be held and spoken too. Actually, he wants the same thing but just in a slightly different form.<P>Think about this. He has given you an opening. Have some fun and make something out of this. I'll bet if you respond to his offer with an offer of your own, that you both may get what you want. Maybe a healthy marriage.<P>To answer your other question, I'll bet your lack of interest in him has to do with the affair. (Playing amateur psych. here.) You have decided not to tell H about the affair. But the affair was about many things including sex. If you want to avoid going near the affair emotionally, it seems very possible you are avoiding sex for the same reason: To stay away from that whole issue in your mind.<P>You say you are also very depressed. That will also eliminate many feelings for other people. <P>Jill, it seems to me you are starting to pay the price for not being honest with H. I'm not going to start on you about telling, but I am telling you that you are going to have to play an active role in overcoming both your depression and the state of the marriage. <P>There are problems (in your case perhaps stemming from the affair) that you H knows nothing about and cannot fix. So you are going to have to do the heavy lifting.<P>Please think about what I have said. We can talk more about this and I am sure others will offer some advice.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

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Jill,<P>Your husband is being a jerk. He doesn't know that a jerk he is being. Sure, he probably is feeling deeply rejected because you are withholding sex from him (I have to chime in about the male view of sex=emotional connection). This is on top of the fact that you may have been emotionally distant from him during your affair. He is responding in desparation, like a jerk.<P>That being said, I feel sorry for him for one reason. You aren't fair in your relationship. You have the benefit of experiencing a jolting wake-up call when the fog lifted from your eyes and you realized the depth of your error. You continue to deny your H the wake-up call he needs. Yes, it will hurt him, but, as I have said to you before, your deep regret and latent dedication to repair your marriage will carry you both through the storm.<P>IMO, he keeps acting like a jerk becuase you won't allow him to realize how close to the cliff he is standing. You are hurting yourself and putting your marriage in jeopardy by shielding him from the danger. I think you should tell him and let him wake up. Otherwise his jerk behavior will slowly whittle away at your feelings for him and your willingness to repair your marriage.<P>Sorry for singing the same song again. Just my opinion, but I think you are perpetuating your problem by not telling him. <P>------------------<BR>But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.<BR>Galatians 5:22-23

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>"I'll let you move your membership if you'll start having sex with me."<P>What??? Health club?? Sex??? Do those two words seem synonomous to any of you?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Just a sec...let me find my "Malespeak" dictionary...<P>Ah, yes...it's right here between g and j..<P>girl = sex<BR>health club = sex<BR>jello = sex<BR>kitchen = sex<BR> well, you get the idea...<P>xylophone = sex<P><B>Seriously...</B><P>Your H isn't the romantic type, is he? But, I do think he is looking for a connection with you (not just sex), and to many men sex is how they go about obtaining that connection.<P>re: your lack of interest in sex in general...depression could be a factor...there have also been several threads lately about wives who totally lost all sex drive after an affair....so don;t think you are alone.<P>Jill...I know it seems very unromantic, but have you tried telling him you really DO want to feel closer to him, and that you need a little more touch..holding hands, stroking your hair or cheek, etc.? One exercise Steve H gave us was for each of us to write down 5 very specific things they other could do to meet each of our top 5 needs. I don't have them in front of me, but I recall that they were to be very specific. I'll try and recap what a couple of mine were for "Affection" (ie, tell me you love me at least twice every day...once before we get put of bed in the am, and once in the evenings; hug me when we get home from work every day; after we go to bed, spend at least 10 minutes talking to me, etc...). It sounds VERY mechanical and unromantic, doesn't it. But, if you both do it, it works...It fosters good feelings on both sides and it becomes habit...<P>Anyway, not sure if any of this is helpful, but FWIW, I hear you and am praying for you...<P>Kathi

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Let's see...I'll try to address everyone here.<P>Missy9: Yes, it was my decision not to tell my husband of my affair...still is. Distance between us? The word distance right now is a gross understatement in my mind.<P>Catnip: I find nothing about my husband's appearance unattractive. He is a gorgeous man. He has smooth skin, sparkling eyes, a knock-out smile...he's tall and strong. If my husband were standing next to the man that I had my affair with, my husband would DEFINITELY be the winner in the looks department. I've mentioned before that if my OM were walking down the street, I wouldn't take a second look at him. He's not a head-turner or an eye-catcher. <P>IsIt2Late: I have asked myself many times how my husband must feel when I reject him. I know the answer to that question because he's spent many years ignoring me and rejecting me emotionally. It really does hurt. And, as far as examining myself goes, I've examined myself so much that I'm sick of myself. Nope...I don't like alot of what I'm seeing, and I am trying to allow God to change me.<P>JustLearning: I really am not purposely keeping sex from my husband. I've tried to respond to his advances and I never even get "warmed-up" enough for anything to happen. I've had sex with my husband since my affair took place over a year ago. Even in early marriage, my husband and I never had a frequent, passionate sex life. Once a month has always been about average for us. Yes, I'm doing the heavy lifting...but, I made that decision when I decided to cheat.<P>2sad4words: Yes, my husband is acting like a jerk, but what do I expect? Jerks attract jerks. Also, for seven years, I've begged my husband to seek counseling with me, and he won't come. For seven years, I've written him letters to tell him what's going on with me, and he never even acknowledges that he's read the letters. I've sat at his feet and looked him in the eyes and calmly told him what it is that I need from him in our marriage, but nothing has ever changed. I've told him over and over how close he is to the "cliff", but he doesn't listen or seem to care.<P>kam6318: LOL...the "malespeak" dictionary thing was very funny. Thanks for the advice. <P>In general, if any of you were to meet my husband in real life, you would honestly be able to say that he is the nicest guy you've ever met. He's kind and gentle, compassionate and loving, attentive and sensitive...just not towards me.<P>I guess this will be my last post here. After my second session with Steve Harley, he said that he wouldn't counsel me anymore if I didn't reveal my affair to my husband...great...a counselor who won't counsel me. And, when I post here, no matter what question I ask or what advice I seek, people always seem to find a way to squeeze in their opinion that I need to tell my husband of my affair when, I made it clear a couple of months ago that I'm not to that place yet (and I'm not certain that I ever will be).<P>So, thanks everyone. I guess I'm alone again...I should be accustomed to being lonely by now...but, I'm not.<P>Where is [censored]???<P>Jill

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Jill,<P>No need to go away. You know that people have opinions about this topic. But if you look at the answers to your post most were positive and supportive. We all are offering ideas. We are hoping that someone will offer the one that helps you.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

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No, no, NO! Please don't go, Jill. This is the Marriage BUILDER'S Forum, and you are here because you want to build your marraige. <BR>What you are going through is so frustrating and seems so futile because you can't get the response you need from your husband. It's like he's disconnected somehow and clueless on top of that. And that equals emotional detachment.<P>I have a different take on telling your husband. You will tell your husband in your own time frame-when and if the time is right. According to Harley's principles, it's what one has to do to begin the healing process. <BR>To me, in your case, I would tell my spouse in order for him to see how extensive the damage the years of emotional rejection and non-communication has caused...a wake up call for both of you.<P>You are carrying quite a load yourself...single-handedly trying to reach him and work the marriage, coming here for guidance and support (and not feeling as though you're getting what you are looking for) and carrying the guilt of your affair.<P>Just to release yourself from these burdens, to stir things up so there might be some impact on your spouse, to make him realize the enormous problem in your marriage that he's ignoring...something's gotta give.<P>You can't go on living this way. And neither can he. I would be curious to know what your courtship was like and what he was like back then and when things started to change, or have they always been like this?<P>I hope you will reconsider leaving the board. I very often don't like what I hear either or what some people say to me, but, I am here for advice because I am in pain and trying to get through it. I need help and there's nowhere else on the face of the earth that I can get that help and understanding but here.<P>You do have options. No one here has the answer that's exactly right for you, just their opinions from what you have told us. Some of us, like me, don't know your entire story and can't comment or advise, however, I do know that regardless whether or not Harley will continue to counsel you because you won't confess to your spouse at this time doesn't mean you should leave the forum when it needs you as much as you need it-and the support, the care, the guidance and the genuine concern everyone has for your well-being. Besides, we all like to shoot off our mouths and tell each other what we think how everyone else should live. Everyone here has your best interests at heart and that's why they tell you they think you should tell your spouse. I know you will when the time is right.<P>Prayers<P>Catnip =^^=

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jill,<P>You are not alone in your decision not to tell your H. I have chosen not to tell my H either,so don't let what anybody says discourage you from posting here.<P>I for one need people like you who are in the same prediciment I'm in.Your post are so encouraging to me and I get alot of insight from you.<P>I am sorry that you are in pain. I think that everyone here is in some sort of pain otherwise they would not be here.Being able to vent here has saved my sanity so many times even if I don't get the kind of responses I want.<P>I totally undrestand what your saying about your H trying to coerse you into sex. My H has made simular remarks to me even before I had an affair.<P>I know how you feel when your H just all the sudden shows interest in you physically and hasn't made any attempt to show his love mentally.It's like all the sudden they just attack you and go straight for intercourse (noteven foreplay LOL)and sometimes it's such a turn off. It's like "Hello I am not a cavewoman you beat over the head with a club!!"<P>I think however that sometimes that just has to do with the male species. They don't understand that us women need all that mushy love stuff in order to really feel wanted and loved.And if we don't get that then why do we want to have sex? It's kind of our way of pouting. I know that probably sounds really cheezy and I'll catch alot of slack for that one but it's true.<P>Granted your lack of sex drive could be due to your affair and we can't count that out as a cause, but I think if your H would put forth a little more effort in the TLC dept. I think that both you and him would see major improvemnt.<P>Please don't feel hopeless and alone we are all here to support one another. I know i've got my problems thats for sure but hopefully I'm giving you some sort of advice/help/whatever.<P>Just keep your head up things will get better oneday.And just keep pushing the issue with your H about more TLC!!!!<P>Take care<BR>Reina

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and keep posting posting posting posting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<P>We all need you here

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Jill,<P>Fine, don't tell. But don't be surprised if your H doesn't change. <P>You have tried telling him how close to the cliff he is. Maybe the only way he'll wake up to the danger is if he gets pushed over the edge. No guarantee, but do you want to stay with him as he is?<P><B>I'm not advocating that you tell him out of some dogmatic adherence to a MB principle</B>. I have a very pragmatic reason - I think in your case it it the last, best chance you have to shock your H into introspection.<P>How he can be so blind as to ignore your needs when you have laid them out before him I don't know. <B>I just think that extraordinary measures must be used to overcome extraordinary dense behavior.</B><P>Don't go Jill. We really do care about you here.<P>------------------<BR>But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.<BR>Galatians 5:22-23

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Jill,<P>Why is it that every time you come on here, people use it as an opportunity to tell you to confess? <P>Confess for your own reasons (if you decide to do that), not cause you think it will expunge your guilt. It won't do that. Your guilt will always be there, regardless.<P>My sex drive went way up after my affair, and continued to be high all the way up to the day I confessed. My sex drive dropped way down after confession and has gone to about nothing now. Why? Sure wasn't because of my guilt. It was because of the way my *sshole ex treated me and everything I associate with him. <P>I just don't get the impression that your H is the introspective type, and I'm guessing you don't either. That is why you haven't confessed (my guess) cause you are about 99.99% sure it won't make a damn bit of difference. I'm betting you will either confess someday when you don't care about your marriage anymore, or you will leave. Sorry guys. I don't have alot of sympathy for men who can't get their act together emotionally. Mainly cause we women are expected to pick up the slack, or let them "use" our bodies to get satisfaction that has nothing to do with emotional health. <P>I've said it before and I'll say it again. No way, no how, should any woman be encouraged to have sex without emotion to fulfill her H's physical (and pseudo-emotional) sexual needs. He needs to figure out the emotional part first, then he gets (and gives) sex. He's got his problems, and (like usual) she is being asked here to rationalize and make excuses for him. Does he want help? Has he done anything to get help? Not that I can see. <P>Hey Jill, is Steve gonna be there to counsel you if you tell your H and he decides to dump you? Doubt it. He'd probably say "you didn't have much of a marriage anyway". What a cop-out. Like, the only marriages worth saving are the ones HE knows how to save. And if they aren't saved his way, then there is also something wrong with the marriage. <P>Jill, I honestly wish I had left my H and never told him. I went through a year of hell (or more) for absolutely nothing. I too tried many times to talk to my H long before anything happened. My affair was my last act of desperation. Now, I get to live with the memory of all the awful,cruel, heartless things he said and did to me after I confessed on top of everything he did before the affair.<P>Nothing else has "woken" up your H. What makes anyone think an affair will? All it will do is give him a reason to bail, and blame it all on you. From the looks of it, your H has never taken one iota of responsibility for the relationship. Why will confession change that one single bit?<p>[This message has been edited by TheStudent (edited May 11, 2000).]

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Hi, Jill - just one more request to you not to stop posting....<P>I know it must seem frustrating to you that every time you post a problem, you hear that someone (ok, a lot of someones! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]) feels that you should "come clean". Look, the only thing the people on this board can do is be your friend. The only advice they can give you is their honest opinion based on their own experiences. This will inevitably include things that you don't want to hear. We've all been there. Many times, I've found that thinking about the things I didn't think were right for me gave me a new perspective. Other times, I found that I couldn't agree and dismissed the advice. Either way, I had to appreciate that someone cared enough to take the time to post to me and offer the best advice they could give me - a true and honest opinion, knowing full well I may not like what I hear. Thank heavens that those people care that much.<P>I agree that knowing how close he is to the cliff is important, but I also agree that it's got to be in your own time. Unfortunately, you may talk until you're blue in the face and he won't realize it's so important until a truck falls on him!! We humans tend to be that way. It took a huge wake-up call for you, too. But that's got to be your decision.<P>The male perspective has it's merits. I DO believe that sex many times is their way to emotional intimacy. I always have. When I would get frustrated b/c Robert "groped" after grumbling and ignoring me (ok, not like YOUR H, just b/c of a bad day - unfortunately when I'D had a bad day too), it didn't take long for me to realize that that was HIS way of reaching out to me for comfort, because I was the one he wanted to reach out TO. <P>Keep posting, Jill. You've been shouldering a huge burden all by yourself. We are here for you, just don't expect everyone to AGREE with you. That's part of being good friends.<P>You know, sometimes making a "deal" is not all that bad an idea. When we've developed bad habits, it takes some sort of motivation to change them. And if a deal works, heck, it's just another tool, use it!<P>Good luck, Jill. You're working hard with not much help - but we ARE here for you.<P>Lori

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Hi.<P>I appreciate the encouragement and concern. Thanks. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>New day...fresh outlook...that helps. <P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] I can handle hearing what I don't want to hear...I'm all for free speech. I've often told other people here the same thing when they are complaining about people saying this or that. I can handle hearing what I don't necessarily want to hear. But, I don't want to be beaten over the head with the same thing over and over and over again. On days when I'm weary and come here looking for NEW advice, I get beaten over the head with OLD advice...or, that's how I feel sometimes, anyway. Anytime someone replies to one of my posts, I am thankful even if I don't always agree with the response. I don't take it lightly when people share their time AND their thoughts with lil' ol' me... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>My husband told me that he loves me before he went to work this morning.<P>That's worth MUCH... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Thanks again...<P>I'll be lurking. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Peace and love to all... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jill

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Jill....<P>For what it is worth...I want you to know I understand you choosing not to tell your husband about the affair. Timing is everything...<BR>You have never said that not telling was right or wrong...but just the choice you felt was best for you at this time. <P>Believe me...I understand.<P>

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Jill,<P>It makes perfect sense that you don't feel attracted to your H since he is witholding affection. You need that button pushed before you respond. Your H is acting like a jerk because his needs aren't being met. You are each reacting to the other's withholding in different ways: you with further withdrawl, he with acting out & controlling. You are both stopped at a red light waiting for the other to go first.<P>You really need to talk about it to break out of this gridlock. This pattern may be what was behind your motivation to have an affair in the first place, so the roots of this problem may run deep.<P>good luck

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Jill,<P>You know that I truly understand your situation...<P>I went through a phase just as you are now.... it didn't last quite as long as yours has so far, but if you would like to talk to me through e-mail, I will be happy to discuss with you how I delt with it... It is quite personal and I don't feel much like having it picked apart here by others... <P>I still trust in your decision NOT to tell your H. Afterall, there are some of us here who haven't and may not ever tell.... There are reasons for that and others just can't understand them... they are not to blame.... they just don't have the same situations as we do....<P>You have to do what is right for you... Leaving here isn't going to help matters. Afterall, if it weren't for this place, I very well may have returned to OM many times again... I find inspiration here... to get through the criticism and hurtful words from my H... which is partially what moved me to seek another in the first place....<P>Let me know if you would like to exchange e-mail on the subject...<P>Take care and my prayers are with you....<P>

Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 17
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Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 17
Jill-<P>I am compelled to give you my advice, you may choose to take it or not, but definitely think about it.<P>I beg of you to tell your husband what happened. He must know exactly what is going on, you must be truthful to each other, that is the only way your marriage can heal and become stronger. If you keep this secret, the longer it goes, the worse it will be when he does find out, or you tell him. By then, it could very well be too late.. this sounds an awful lot like what I am going through..<P>My wife had an affair over a year ago, she ended it but never told me, and because that stewed around in her brain, our marriage had more problems than it should have.. many many times I was rejected for intimacy. Because of this, because of her secret and she felt she could not *fix* our marriage, that left the door open for another affair she had just last Feburary.. except that this time she now tells me she doesnt love me, she thinks she is in love with this other man, and she filed for divorce near the end of March. At this time, despite my efforts, she refuses to even try to work at our marriage, she just wants out.. she even called it a 'technicality'.<P>If she had told me of her first affair waaay back when.. the road to recovery would have been soooo much easier, but now... the pit she dug for herself seems impossible to climb out of, which is maybe why she wont try. She claims she tried at our marriage for the past year or so and that I was unresponsive. This is simply not true. How could I be responsive to something I had no knowledge of? From my perspective it seemed as though she was ignoring me.. much like your husband feels now, and it will only get worse with time.. possibly to the point where he has an affair of his own.. that is why I beg of you to calmly sit him down and tell him everything.. tell him you want to work through the problem together, have him read Surviving An Affair, he will be upset, no doubt about it, and he will say a lot of hurtful things at first.. but give him some time and I think it will be best. Please considering my story you must think about the great possibility that it will just get worse if this stays hidden.. I wish the best of luck to both of you.<P>

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