Over a year ago (Feb. 1, 1999), I discovered my husband having an online affair. He told me our marriage was over because I didn't love him. Back then, this board became my lifeline. I tried to follow Plan A, but I just couldn't do it. I did every love buster there was because I was so full of hurt and anger. I don't even have to tell you the horror that was our marriage during that time, because you are all living it now. Within a couple of months, my husband left me and our two children to go live with his online "friend" and her husband (very complicated because he stopped his affair with her as soon as he met her H). He left on Good Friday.<P>Anyway, I went through all the devastation imaginable... lost 50 lbs in less than two months and made myself sick. I wanted to die. He was all I could think about, and I spent hours on the computer waiting for an e-mail... waiting to hear from him. I was in such a state of shock that my wonderful husband could be such a stranger. I couldn't believe he could be so cold and cruel, but there it was, right out in the open. He never called, not even to talk to the kids. He was so wrapped up in this new fantasy life and his new-found freedom.<P>Pretty soon, I started to notice that the sun was still shining and that the stars still came out at night. Slowly, ever so slowly, life came back to me. I didn't wait by the phone as much, and I didn't check my e-mail every 10 minutes. <P>Well, he came home five months later on Labor Day weekend to see the kids. I had pulled myself together enough to be distant, but friendly. More like the woman he fell in love with, instead of the whimpering, crying mess that he left. A few days after he went back (he had moved 1000 miles away), he called me to say that he wanted to come back home. <P>My dream come true! But, you know what? By this time, I wasn't even sure I wanted him back. After all my crying, praying, hoping, wishing... after all this, I realized that I <B>could</B> live without him. So, we took it slowly and he came home the week before Thanksgiving.<P>It's been hard. I can't forget all the cruel things he said and did... nor the things I said and did. I'm having a hard time trusting him again. I still <B>hurt</B> incredibly from all the things that have happened. It haunts me. I'll never be the same again, and it will never be the same marriage again. However, that is a good thing. We both grew up. We both learned how valuable our marriage is.<P>My point in writing this is to say that there is hope. Whether your spouse comes to his/her senses, or whether you finally find the strength to move on, there is hope and it <B>will</B> happen. Time is on your side. Take your life moment by moment, listen to the advice on this wonderful site and use all the support that's offered to you.<P>Best Wishes,<P>Marcia

Thanks Marcia - I hope my situation works out like yours...

Marcia,<BR>I have wondered how you are...your life was so chaotic when you disappeared from the board. My H also left me (that would have been the 3rd separation , we're now on #7) last year on Good Friday, so I was posting heavily and reading your threads, though I had little to offer as advice.<P>I pray it works out for you.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

It sounds like you have gone through a roller coaster of emotions like myself. It has been approx 3 1/2 months sinece my wife told me she has lost her passion and love for me and our marriage. I have fought all the emotions and have learned a great deal about myself.<P>The clear thing about this is that there were problems in the relationship that she and I were ignoring and pushing aside. We never communicated about them. Now we have to if we are to save the marraige and restore love.<P>I am wondering from those out there if the rollercoaster of emotions and ups and down feelings are normal. Some days I want to quit other days I want to learn, grow and love my wife differently than before. It is hard. I never wanted to quit before this all opened up. I knew I loved her but I just thought she would always be there becuz we loved each other and we were married. Why do men and women do such foolish things to each other? We are not fools! We simply fail to act rational and in our own best interest. Why do some of us want to love and be loved but fail to do what ever is necessary to foster this preference? Any comments would be helpful.<P>I admire the posters who have fought for their marriage and stayed through the good and bad emotions. Keep working.

things have always been very bleak in my situation, so i don't know where we are headed now, but it is nice to know that im not the only one who's terrible at plan A'ing, and that even though both H and I are ambivalent and he insists on not giving up OW, that maybe there is a small chance for us to make it.<BR>we both love our children so much that there might be a chance...