I don't know why (all of a sudden), I am feeling shame all over again. Although my H was the one who had the affair, I still feel it, just the same.<P>It has been over a year, I thought that I/we were recoverying well and that the people who I disclosed it (I thought), were the only ones that knew). Now that I am aware that another person knows (and possibly more), I'm feeling ashamed for my H's past affair. I've seen these people in the past, but always thought they didn't know about it. So, why should I feel any differently, right?<P>I thought that I got past these kinds of feelings. I can't believe that I am feeling like this all over again. I'm feeling paranoid and afraid to face the "new" people that know (although they knew all along, yet I just didn't know it).<P>I don't know how to deal with this renewed sense of shame.

{{{{NoTrust}}}},<P>You have nothing to be ashamed about, you weren't the one who decided to have an affair, instead you were a loyal spouse, who loved your husband even though he screwed up. And most people realize that you are not the guilty part of this, and if they are good friends (or just have some common sense) then they will know that virtually all marriages have problems, and sometimes a spouse screws up royally, but if the spouses get back together again it's usually because they found a way to deal with the problems and grow as persons at the same time, not because they are pathetic.<P>One way of dealing with this is to assume that everybody knows about it, thus they don't need to be told (as they supposedly already knows) and it would take the sting out of the affair being revealed out of the blue.

Hi NoTrust -<P>What exactly are you feeling ashamed of?<P>Answering that question fully might take you a long way to figuring out why you are feeling shame, as well as helping with any residual anger, lack of trust, etc.<P>While you and H have chosen to stay together and rebuild....have you REALLY felt changes within yourself that enhance that goal? <P>Don't forget that a lot of this has to do with our own sense of worth and growth.<P>I, personally, think that you are one helluva woman!!! Especially in this day and age when so many just hop on the "Easy Express" and give no real thought, let alone action to dealing with the "hard" stuff.<P>Nobody's judging you about your H's actions or the state of your marriage. Nobody that matters, that's for sure!!!<P>I am more concerned about why you think that it matters what others might think.<BR>Why is that important? Where were these people when you needed some positive influence for your H? Guess they don't really care too much, huh? So why do you about them?<P>You see NoTrust, the people that matter are you and H.....that's it!!!! While you are dwelling in this aspect with your mind, you are sending negative "vibes" out - right to H!!!!! Don't you think that he feels them? Do you feel it when H is in a bad place in his mind?<P>Think about the first question I wrote. It is something that will help your esteem and perspective if you would work through these issues. <P>Talk it out thoroughly, we will help you with it.<P>BIG HUGS, <P>Sheba<BR>

Hello NoTrust,<P>I sometimes experience similar feelings, and after careful thought I think I know why. It is not because of what OTHER people know, it is because of what I know.<P>I now know that the person I love and trusted most in the world betrayed me. Now I doubt my own judgement of everyone else too. Add to that the feeling that I should not allow myself to be treated this way, and that I NEVER would have thought that I would stay with someone who betrayed me this way.<P>I am not a Kathie Lee Gifford fan, but I watched the interview she did with Diane Sawyer and thought it was amazing. During the interview she told about a conversation with some friends who asked her how she could stay with a man who humiliated her in such a horrible way. Kathie Lee replied that her husband had only humiliated himself, and asked why she should be humiliated for being a loyal and faithful wife who believed in and was proud of her marriage vows and had always upheld them.<P>It makes sense, doesn't it? You are feeling ashamed because more people than you thought know that your husband betrayed you, something you have no control over. Certainly it hurts our pride that our husbands temporarily chose someone else, but we should also be proud that we are the loyal partners. We made the right choice, our partners made a mistaken choice.<P>The only people who know about my husband's affair are he and I, our counselor, the other woman, and anyone she might have told (I don't think she told ANYONE). But I still have the same feelings you do. Evidently it is all part of the process we have to go through.<P>Best wishes,<P>Peppermint<p>[This message has been edited by peppermint (edited May 22, 2000).]

Sadman: Thanks for your support. I know that I didn't have control of my H's lousy decision (to have an affair)...but I don't understand why I am having these shameful feelings either (especially if I'm not the one who did it).<BR>That is an interesting suggestion. If I assume/imagine that everyone knows, then I won't have to feel that this all was a surprise out-of-the-blue.<P>Sheba: You know.....I'm thinking about your question, "What do I have to be ashamed about..." and I'm glad that you asked me. Come to think about it....I really don't know! Weird, now that I think about it. Maybe it is my pride talking here, and I'm worried about being portrayed as a doormat with one stupid affair pulled over on me....<P>Yes, I can say that I have changed from this. I've learned how to communicate with my H and also to be patient. Unfortunately, sometimes those old habits creep out and I make myself have anxiety attacks (although it isn't as bad as it used to be)....being that my H also has changed (for the better) considerably.<P>I've noticed that since the affair, my self-esteem has taken quite a blow. I'm trying to regain it back, but it's been a slow way up-hill. I know that I need to start doing things with friends again and that's one thing that I've neglected.<P>Peppermint: After reading your post, the thought in my mind was "Exactly!" Yes, I do feel the same as you do. I also watched that special with Kathie Lee and Frank and it sure moved me. I didn't really like Kathie Lee, but now I have a new sense of respect for her. I will have to think of it that way...staying in my marriage, not giving up and not throwing it away because I believe in marriage!<P>Thank you folks...for your support and for reading & replying to my post! I feel a little better now...

NoTrust,<P>You already know that you really don't have anything to be ashamed about. However, may I suggest that you talk with your H about this. <P>You see he may be able to help you out in ways you don't appreciate. For one, it will help you to talk with him. Second, by his actions and words with others, he may become more aware that it is important to express how proud and happy he is with you. He may already be doing this and you don't know it.<P>The suggestion to assume everyone knows is excellent. Follow that up with a mindset that since they know, they also understand what you have pulled off: A rescue of your marriage.<P>Finally, a quick suggestion as to why you are feeling ashamed. Is it possible that you felt that your main accomplishments were connect to your H? You felt pride in him and his accomplishments and therefore you feel shame for his mistakes. When really you should feel pride for what you have done in life and realize that you and H are not twins but spouses.<P>NoTrust, live with your H not through your H and I suspect these feelings will go away.<P>God Bless,<P>JL