Yep, the big date is tonight and I feel like cancelling. Here's my update:<P>Today I got his cell phone bill, and of course opened it. He has still been calling a woman at work to go over all of this with her. This is not OW. That is over I think as I've seen his withdrawl, but now what?<P>Yeah, I called him and went over all of this with him...again. I knew he had been talking to her for months, but didn't know how "close" they had become. She knows all about his 2 year affair and has been "counseling" him for months. He says he has no feelings other than a "close friendship" for her. I told him that is how these things start and it's too risky right now for him as he is so vulnerable. I know he won't stop this, though the frequency of the calls has decreased a lot.<P>This woman at work has known my H for 20 years and is in a lousy relationship herself, after 2 marriages and divorces we have seen her go through.<P>He compares her to my best friends, says it's just like when I need someone to talk to, and it's always been easier for him to talk to women than men.<P>I fell like I've loused up the nice night we could have had tonight. He still wants to go out tonight, but I am in such a foul, crappy, doubtful mood that I wonder if I sould cancel. You know, this is almost worse than the 2 year affair because he has cried (literally) on this womans shoulder and admits how close he feels to her. Also, I know her, so I can put a face on this one. I don't know the other OW and hope I never do.<P>I need strength now. Please help.<BR>

Allison, I know how you must feel about this. It would make me very uneasy, too. <P>Personally, I would not cancel the date tonight. I would take advantage of every and any opportunity to make those 'deposits' of love.<P>At the same time, I would make it very clear to him (not necessarily tonight, if you think it might be received as a LB) that this relationship with his friend makes you feel insecure, whether or not it seems rational to him.<P>Other wiser people might be able to say if this is a good or bad idea, but I was thinking maybe you could consider asking him to approach or call you first when he feels the need to talk to her... or at least let you know when he's been talking to her, and try to draw him out on what he has been talking with her about? Maybe it would help both of you - you could at least be reassured that he is being open about the relationship, and he might see that whatever he tells this woman, he can tell you, and eventually he might find himself depending more on you than her for this close friendship.<P>Just some thoughts, I hope they help...<P>Know that I'm thinking of you and wishing for the best...<P>Hugs,<BR>~Lori

There will always be reminders of the past and you have to deal with them as they come up. Tonight is a very important night as it is the begining of possible reconciliation. I believe that you should go back and read the reponses from yesterdays post. Get feeling good about yourself and go out and have fun. You may surprise yourself as to how much this date will help. Whatever you do, don't bring up the phone bill.<P>I don't remember who it is on this board that uses this line but I love it, it goes something like " I have no control of what happened yesterday, tomorrow is not yet mine, today is all I have to live for".

I agree this good friend is not a good idea...but since his motives seem to be good, I'd not argue the point right now. <P>Forget this for today, go and have fun. You are his DATE for the night...start thinking of it as a date, not as a chance to "work" on things. That comes later...<P>Later, when you and he are more in a rebuilding stage, you can tactfully let him know you would be more comfortable being the only woman he confides in...<P>

NO! NO!<P>Go on your date and relax, try to have fun. It's good he doesn't have feelings for her, and it is very true that a man needs a woman's shoulder to cry on (can't use a man's).<P>Make it really comfortable for him to talk to you, really safe, and he will be wanting your shoulder. I say don't pressure him about that friendship at all right now.<P>Above all, go out and enjoy it, you deserve it! <P><P>------------------<BR>Cindy

Hi Lori,<P>Thanks for your encouragement and advice. I guess I just have to do something to get myself "up" for this tonight. I wish I would have never opened up that bill. When will I learn? One one hand, I need to know what is going on, but on the other hand it just hurts so much that I don't feel like fighting. There is just so much more to all of this than I thought, and I feel like I take one step forward, and two steps back.<P>So...maybe I'll have a glass of wine, try to relax and get rid of some of this anger. I do have to be a wonderful, charming, witty date tonight and deposit those Love Bucks...so that he can stomp on my heart one more time.<P>I just want a husband, not a damn date!

That glass of wine sounds like a good idea! <P>You'll do great... just enjoy yourself and concentrate on having good times together.<P>Best of luck and massive HUGS!<BR>~Lori<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I just want a husband, not a damn date!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I know, I know. But, think back...how did you get your H to begin with ? You were a great girl to date, right? Right.<P>Now, go have that glass of wine, and go have fun!!!<P>

You guys are wonderful. I will go tonight and will try my damndest to be his friend. He needs one very badly right now.<P>I'm just so tired of it all. I needed to revitalize a bit, and reading your posts helped.<P>Goober, I did go back and read the responses from my other post, and it helped. Good advice, thanks.<P>Schizzo and Kam, You're right, he does need a friend and I told him that I was glad he had her, but to be very careful. I do not trust him, and after he has told me how badly he needs to be "in love" with someone I know just how open he is to this again. He says he's had an affair, and has no desire to start up another one. I pray he can stay strong.<P>Thanks for your help, I really needed a shoulder of my own today.<BR>