Well I moved back home after finding out my wife was doin' the nasty in our bed with someone else. Morally, I can't stand by and let her do this with the kids in the next room.<P>She told me yesterday that she can't live with me in the same house so either I move back out or she leaves with the kids. I also can't say hi honey or compliment her anymore. Apparently thats a LB!<P>What do I do from here?<P>I'm calling a lawyer today to get there advice but what do you think?

I think you should stay in the house with the kids. They need a stable, responsible parent in the home (and, it improves your position if it gets to a custody argument later on). If she wants to leave, that is her choice.<P>Sorry things are not better for you right now--<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{Goober}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Hang in there!<P>Kathi

Goober,<P>The person who is irrational is your W. Just knowing that she is doing something in your house, and in your bed, with the kids in the next room, shows you just how messed up her mind really is.<P>I would advise you to STAY in your house. DO NOT LEAVE. I have a feeling that YOU will be the one to have the kids.<P>If your W wants to make a lousy choice and leave....then so be it. But don't allow her to drag your kids along for the ride and be around this OM.<p>[This message has been edited by NoTrust (edited May 25, 2000).]

Goober:<P>It's a tough call. You're getting to a point where what's best for the kids and you may not be what's best for the marriage. I'd suggest that you get to your lawyer and see what chance you have to keep the kids at the house. If it's a strong case---then press on it (this will be a huge lovebuster). Make sure that you let your wife know that you do want to reconcile (the "Plan B" letter).<P>If your lawyer says that there's no chance in hell that you'll get the kids and the house, then I'd move out and try to get the best arrangement that you can to visit.

DO NOT LEAVE THE KIDS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.<P>You need to get to your lawyer and file a request for an emergency custody order.<P>My understanding (at least what my lawyer told me) is that you both have equal access to the kids until a custody order is issued. She can move out with the kids, but the next time you see them, you can move them right back in. I don't agree with the volleyball method of custody, so get to your lawyer.<P>I agree that it may be a huge LB, but you need to protect your children. That, IMHO, comes first.

If you file first....you can make/set what the judge will do until the divorce is final.<P>Since my stbx left me with the girls in the house if was far easier. <P>Get to a lawyer...protect yourself and those children. If the lawyer puts in the papers that she is romping around in the house with OM...then the judge will take that into consideration.<P>Too bad infidelity isn't a crime anymore. For my stbx, a linching sure does sound good.<P>Start documenting everything, if you already haven't. Sit down and try to remember dates and times from the past. But the big thing is hide this documentation. My stbx stole it all from me. Now.....after a year...the dates are forgotten...but his actions are not.<P>Document what the children tell you.<P>Good luck...and sorry to see that it has come to this.<P>Nancy

"[QUOTE]Originally posted by Goober:<BR>[B]Well I moved back home after finding out my wife was doin' the nasty in our bed with someone else. Morally, I can't stand by and let her do this with the kids in the next room."<P>Welcome home, Goober-you're a mensch (Yiddish word for a stand-up grown-up man). <P><BR>"She told me yesterday that she can't live with me in the same house so either I move back out or she leaves with the kids." <P>I echo what others here have said, get thee to a lawyer post haste to protect your kids.<BR>She can't live with you, and she's shtupping a boyfriend in the marriage bed? Ugh.<P>"What do I do from here?<P>I'm calling a lawyer today to get there advice but what do you think?" Yes, (see above).<P>Bless you for protecting your children.

An update<BR>I've tried to make an appointment for a lawer but can't get to see him until next week sometime. My wife has her appointment with her lawyer today I think.<P>She said if I don't move out, she will take the kids to her parents. It seems as if I am caught between a rock and a hard place. If I move out, I can't control what happens in our house when I am not there, If I stay, I will see the kids even less and she will be even more angry than she is now (I didn't think that was possible). Also, if she moves out with the kids, I can't protect their best interests which is my goal right now.<P>I told her that I wouldn't answer the question until I spoke to a lawyer because of the legal reprocussions.<P>What should I do?

Goober,<P>Still keep your appointment with your lawyer. STAY in your house. DO NOT LEAVE. If she leaves with the children, it may be just temporarily. It all depends upon who has custody of the kids.<P>Document everything. Remember to mention to your lawyer that the OM was in your house, in your bed, with the kids in the next room. I don't think this will set too well with the judge.<P>I'm hoping that some of the Father's who have had to deal with this will Reply to your Post.<P>Maybe they can give you some good suggestions. I've never had experience with this, so I don't even know if my advice will help, or if it is good.<P>Hopefully, others will chime in soon!

Goober,<P>You need to <B>protect</B> yourself legally (and/or financially)... I usually make the recommendation of finding a <B>good</B> attorney. A good place to start off is at the <A HREF="http://lawyers.martindale.com/marhub/form/by.html" TARGET=_blank>Martindale-Hubbell Lawyer Search</A> site. Do a search within your county... look for only "family law" specialists(>80% in divorce/custody/etc.)... make sure they do a lot of "family law committee work"... if they know the judges all the better... You can normally find a few that will give initial counseling free of charge.<BR><A HREF="http://www.uslaw.com" TARGET=_blank>USLaw.com</A> (an alternative search site)<P>I think everyone here is saying the same thing here...<BR>1. Don't leave the house.<BR>2. See if you can fight for you kids.<P>Now <B>K</B> is right...<BR>...you may be told that you can't win custody of the kids...<BR>...but I too, was told the same thing.<P>The first attorney I spoke to (senior family law attorney in our county) gave me a 10% chance. Then another told me 20%... another said maybe 25%... and my current gave me a 30%-33% chance(when I first accepted him)...<BR>...and now...<BR>...I have them!<BR>...my W too, "couldn't stand" living with me... the "no touching" thing... and the "don't say you love me" thing too.<BR>And.. has moved out to live with OM. Now we are progressing toward a divorce, and she basically has given up physical custody.<P>Getting a "good" attorney is a priority!<BR>If your W is serious...<BR>...she may be filing for "temporary physical custody"...<BR>...your attorney may ask you to do the same thing... first one in usually wins... but check with an attorney!<BR>Are you ready to take them?<BR>Are you able to? Job issues are important here?<P>In most states... you cannot be forced out of the house if there is no abuse... spousal or child!!! It's a very hard road to travel... you'll have to walk on eggshells on this one... since even raising your voice just a little can get you kicked out! Women do have a huge advantage here... I have personal experience on this one too.<P>As far as her taking the kids to her parents...<BR>...you don't want to fight her on that...<BR>...but you may be forced to contact her parents to explain the situation and get their support... <B>This will also be another love buster</B> and is generally against most MB concepts. If you can't get any support from her parents... there isn't much you can do... (claiming "child abduction"... a maximum love buster... is something to avoid.)<P>I realize things are happending so fast here it is hard to keep your head on straight.<P>I agree with <B>K</B> on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> letter (especially if Plan A-ing becomes unreasonable for you.) The details of the letter will be based on what you plan as your actions... get to your attorney! When time permits (ha...) check out the sample letters...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000098.html" TARGET=_blank>Help with Plan B letter (from Hi Infidelity)</A> <BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000032.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan-B Letter; The final cut...(from WilliamJ)</A> <BR>and the links to other ones in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011046.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101</A>.<P>A lawyer first... is a must!<BR>For you to look at... check out <A HREF="http://www.divorceinfo.com/sitemap.htm" TARGET=_blank>divorceinfo</A> for questions about custody issues.<P>If you really are at the stage where the protection of the kids is paramount to your marriage (it happened with me... even though I still continue Plan A)...<BR>I know this sounds radical too...<BR>...but now is also the time to consider the "documentation" issue. Get yourself a micro-taperecorder... and record all conversations (phone or in person{discreetly}). Check out radio-shack! <B>Nancy</B> knows better than else here I think about how important <B>documentation</B> is...<B>Get a journal</B>... and write and write and write... as much as you can. Protect this journal!<P>Later on you can check out <A HREF="http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/" TARGET=_blank>Fathers Rights To Custody(FRTC)</A>... for lots of other steps to take... but be very careful... this site is very anti-marriage.<P>I hope things work out!<P> <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited May 26, 2000).]

Hi Jim<BR>Thanks for your comments.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>...but you may be forced to contact her parents to explain the situation and get their support... This will also be another love buster and is generally against most MB concepts.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>Do you really think that I should let her family know that she is involved in an affair? What will that do for me? More importantly, what would that do to her and her relationship with her parents? I can only assume that she would be completely devastated and never want to even consider any kind of reconciliation.

I'll be honest with you...<P>If I had to do it over again...<BR>...I would <B>NOT</B> contact her(my W's) parents.<BR>Even if I had not them(ILs)... they would have found out very quickly as my entire family found out quickly as well as everyone else. By me withholding it from my ILs... they could have taken it the wrong way.<P>This is just based on where my situation has lead me... and I did contact my W's parents!<P>It is a very big <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Buster</A>. And even in Plan B... you avoid <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>.<P>Your ILs may not understand why you wouldn't have told them...<BR>...but letting them know that you are trying to convince your W to reconcile should be an adequate/acceptable reason. Maybe?<P>It's your call though...<P><B>K</B>... go ahead... knock me on my head again... <P> <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited May 26, 2000).]

Not me---I think your advice is on target. This is a very difficult situation; and different states have different laws.<P>When I left my house and children to go to Plan B, it was because I believed (sort of) that we had a chance, and that I believed that my wife could still function as a good mother (regardless of her lapses as a wife). But it's a very difficult situation regardless.

Weel I just got off the phone with her and she asked me one more time if I was planning on moving out. My response was that I wouldn't asnwer that until I spoke to a lawyer. If he says that I have to leave, I will be out in 15 minutes but I am afraid of what would happen if I left now.<P>I think this is the best way to handle this. I don't want to get in a huge legal battle as we would end up taking all the money we put towards a house and giving it to lawyers. <P>She seemed somewhat OK with that but still very angry. She started making claims about my infidelity (never happened, she is starting to make things up to cover her own a$$).<P>I will get a plan B letter together over the weeknd and put it up for comment.<P>Thanks to all of you for your support, sometimes I don't know where to turn but have always received the best advice from you.<P>Everyone enjoy their long weekend. Do something nice for yourself!!!