I had a long chat with my wife (who's having an affair with another married man) today. She told me that she's torn between the two of us (me and OM) and very insecure. She admitted that she suffers from always wanting the greener grass on the other side of the fence. We then discussed her future and happiness with OM should they get together. My question is, what are their chances of finding ultimate happiness together (being both betrayers). Is there anybody out there who has found happiness this way - remember we are talking years down the line??

The odds statistically are very much against it. The replies under the subject "when does addiction turn to love?" were very good on this question, so I won't repeat it here.<P>I see you are pretty new to the site, and I'm sorry to have to welcome you here (given the circumstances that bring you).

Van,<P>Get her to read...<BR>...(or for you to read)...<BR><A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0393307077" TARGET=_blank><B>Private Lies :</B> Infidelity and Betrayal of Intimacy</A> by Frank Pittman!<P>Also check out the book review "link" on this book in my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000013.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A> post.<P> <P>Jim

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>We then discussed her future and happiness with OM should they get together.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Don’t discuss the om. Don’t discuss how “nice” it may or may not be for them. <B>SHOW</B> her how nice it will be with you!<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Statistically the odds are against them... are there children involved? That adds additional stress. I know of a couple, my H's brother actually, he had an affair with his best friends wife. Both couples divorced and my brother in law is now married to her and they have been married about 6 years now and they do seem to be happy. There were no children from their prior marriage so they didn't have that stress on them... I do not know if their marriage will last.. they certainly have their fights and their issues...but they are trying hard. My sil has told me that she feels guilt about the role she played and that she wishes and hopes her first H will remarry because than she will finally stop feeling guilty... so she at least continues to live with some element of guilt in her life.<P>I do think that it is possible that a person in an affair can marry that other person and be happy with them.. but I think the odds are against it. She needs to get her butt to counseling with you or independently and work through why she is doing this. The one thing I can say is, a new relationship seems exciting in the beginning and fun.. but that fades and what is left is /are some of the same problems you have now.. there is no perfect marriage or perfect couple... the grass is not greener it is just different!

I liked Chris' reply. I agree. Having had an affair because my husband was neglecting my needs and now we are 'trying', all I want from him is to shower me with his love. I want him to romance me to death so I will forget the OM, if that is possible. <P>Van, is the OM willing to leave his wife? You need to win her back. You need to be everything to her and more. It's what we all want in life, to be totally content. I'm still working on it. Good luck to you.

Van, I was where your wife is once. I DID divorce my H and marry the OM. I love him very much and I believe he loves me, but YES we do have our problems. In fact, I'm hear now because my H has had 2 EA with co-workers which he never saw anything wrong with because they were "just friends." Of course these were "private" friendships unknown to me and lunch was going on between them, emails at home, etc. Anyway, for my part, I am not sorry I left my former H because I wasn't happy and counseling did NOT work, but I think I carried many of our problems into my current marriage and this is what you can tell you W. My advice would be for her to give up the OM and try working on her marriage before she makes any decision for a major change. But then... OM can't be waiting in the background either. Yes, the grass was greener on the other side for me. I have never loved anyone like I love my H, but he also has caused a great deal of pain too! <P>Good Luck, Van.<P>Windy