Hi. I am new to the board and would like some advice about whether it is a good idea to give my marriage another try.<P>My wife and I were really compatible and had a lot of good times, but right after we were married, I had an emotional affair. I was away on my job and I didn't realize I was doing anything wrong. I just thought that the companionship was preferable to hanging out with the knucklehead, drunken guys night after night. Anyway, the relationship haunted our marriage. No matter what I did, she just would not get over it. She said she forgave me, but she really didn't. She got meaner and more withdrawn. I felt rejected by her. So I had an affair. I had several actually. <P>I told her that if she ever changed on me or stopped having sex with me (she didn't actually stop, but it wasn't very warm and fun anymore) that I would go out and do this, and I did.<P>So, now we're separated. Sometimes I want to get back together with her, but I don't think that she will ever be able to let this go. I don't know how she can ever forgive me or trust me again. I've done a lot of things that I have never told her. I don't know how I could tell her. She'd never trust me or want me if she knew. I don't want to tell her one more thing that would hurt her, but I know if she found out later that I am still lying she would just be destroyed. <P>I love her so much. I don't think there is another woman who could stimulate me the way she does. I've never felt the way I do about her with anybody, but I don't trust her to not reject me again. I deserve to be treated like a good man. I want a wife who will appreciate me. I don't think she will. I don't want to walk on eggshells or not be myself around her. It's just so much to compromise and give up to be with her. There is so much to risk and no guarantee that things would ever be good between us again.<P>I see her and I just want to protect her and love her, but then she gets mad at me and I see all the bad times and want to run. I don't know what to do. I can't talk to her because she just brings up all this stuff that I don't want to deal with. <P>We're on the verge of divorce. I am afraid that if it goes through, the doors will close and any chance will be lost. Anybody got any advice?

[This message has been edited by MF]<p>[This message has been edited by MF (edited June 01, 2000).]

A good relationship does not involve fighting or argueing daily. The only hope I see for you and your wife is for both of you to dig into Dr. Phil McGraw's<BR>book "relationship Rescue". You both need to learn how to avoid conflict and work more on building a good relationship.<P>Anything is possible but it will take work on both sides. And it isn't easy. But it can be fun and more than that it will be very rewarding!!<P>Try reading through the MB website and also invest in a few other good books about rebuilding a damaged marriage.<P>Most of all-give your wife every reason to know she can trust you.<P>I will send prayers your way. I wish you the best.

Welcome <B>poorme</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>You really need to decide if you want to save your marriage....<P>People here will tell you... it is the best thing to do... for counteless reasons...<BR>...but the final decision is yours!<P>If you decide you want to... following the steps of starting on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>!<P>Get the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>... read it... learn from it!<P>Stay here and ask.<P>If you see the pain on the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=34&SUBMIT=Go" TARGET=_blank>Divorcing/Divorced</A> forum... it may just help you decide.<P> <P>Jim

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by heartache:<BR><B>A good relationship does not involve fighting or argueing daily... You both need to learn how to avoid conflict and work more on building a good relationship.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>We didn't argue daily. In fact, she says she never saw the affairs coming. She thought that our distance was just something married people go through from time to time. In some ways I guess it wasn't that bad. There weren't any knock down drag out fights. There was no hysterics, no physical fights, no alchoholism, no cheating from her, no dramatic stuff. It just didn't feel warm and inviting anymore. I didn't feel needed. I felt she was more involved with her own life than mine.<P>Avoid conflict? lol She says I am a pro at that! She says that is the reason why all this happened! <P>I'm just so confused. She's so beautiful and has so many good qualities, but when she is mean, I feel like I could just kill her! <P>I deserve a happy family. I work hard to support her while she does nothing but sit home all day. The least she could do is pay attention and show me some respect.<P>The thought of dealing with all this mess seems like it's too much. I think it would just hurt her too much and she'd never trust me or love me like she used to. I know I've done bad things- horrible things. I can't face that.

Your user name says a lot about your situation. Added to the fact that your posts use the words "I" and "me" quite a bit, it's easy to notice that one of the problems in your marriage is selfishness.<P>Certainly your wife made some mistakes in your relationship, because nobody is perfect. But by your own admission she did not make the biggest one there is- unfaithfulness. You focus a lot on YOUR unhappiness and dissatisfaction. Do you think that your wife was happy and fulfilled in your marriage, but you were not?<P>You also talk a lot about what YOU deserve, but what did your wife do to deserve an unfaithful husband? No person deserves the pain of infidelity. I also doubt that your wife sits around the house all day while you financially support her.<P>You complain about having to work at improving your relationship, and even comment that at times you feel like killing your wife. Before you go any further, take an honest look at yourself and your marriage.<P>As someone who is really trying to recover from this nightmare, I can assure you of two things:<P>1. You will have to work harder at this than anything you have ever done before, and you will have to do it for the rest of your life.<P>2. You will have to accept the truth about yourself and focus on your wife's pain, needs, and happiness instead of your own.<P>I have been assured that the results are well worth the effort, but am not there yet. Nobody on this site can make the decision about saving your marriage for you. The truth is that unless you make a total committment to do so, chances are the marriage will never be a real success.<P>If you decide to commit yourself to your wife and your relationship, I would advise you do deal with the effects of the affair first by finding a good counselor and following Dr. Harley's advice on this site to identify the emotional needs of you and your wife, and devising a plan to meet them.<P>It is possible to repair this situation, but it will take big changes for both spouses, especially the betraying partner.<P>Best wishes,<P>Peppermint

Poorme<P>It's good when someone like you comes along that can help those of us who have been betrayed understand how we got into this position and why we are still stuck. And maybe you can learn something from us too!<P>I know that from my H EA, the hardest part for me was the dishonesty that came with it...the lies....I tried to explain that to my h. Don't know if he still understands that this is where the betrayal comes..at least for me. While is EA's never turned physical, I have no doubt in time they would have gone there.<P>Anyway, when I found out, I wanted my h's complet honesty and openness. I demanded it in fact. I questioned him, I plagued him, I pestered him...and when I got nowhere, I took a part of myself away from him. The result? EA #2 happened. So I'm with you there..if only I had tried really hard to meet whatever need he had that sent him to the OW..But..I didn't know what the need was and he couldn't tell me!! <P>This last time he did try to attempt it.. to tell me. He said that he runs from conflicts..it's easier to run and hide with someone else then to face it head on with his W. <P>You made the comment that you told your wife if she ever changed on you you would go out and have an affair. Shame on you! What a burden you put on that poor woman...<P>My h said the same thing to me AFTER the fact..he said I had changed...that I didn't have that "look" in my eyes anymore. I told him he never told me he felt I had changed to even give me the opportunity to fullfill his needs before he just went out and got someone else to fullfill them!<P>Poorme...at this point, if you want your W back, you are going to have to tell her how you feel..tell her what she is doing that is hurting you...maybe she doesn't realize that by constantly throwing this in your face is not helping and that if she wants the marrige to work, she will have to listen to you and work to get over this. That's going to take more work on your part because you are going to have to prove to her that she can trust you again. That may take her some time and it may also mean setbacks where she will bring it up..it's the price you pay...butif you are open and honest with her, you will regain her trust....just don't expect it overnight and don't turn to someone else no matter how bad it gets...give yourselves time, but be HONEST with her no matter how painful..don't leave any skeletons in the closet for her to find...<P>And one more thing...read, read, read..as much as you can on here, in books....<P>Good Luck!<P> Windy<P>