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Joined: Feb 2000
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Just wanted to post a thread about the true victims of infidelity...our children.

How are they doing? How old are they? Do they seem to be handling things at home OK? Do you have them in therapy? For the betrayers...will you ever tell them what you have done? Have your spouses told them?

I have three kids, 17b, 14g, 12b. Since my H and I are seperated they have gone through hell and back. 17yo has pierced both ears, which meant he got fired, stayed out all night four times...never did this before, said anything and everyting he could to hurt me. I can't even tell him when dad is coming over because he'll leave. My 14yo daughter is compensating by becoming the perfect child. She cries easily and is so quiet now. Her gregarious personality is gone, I hope to God she comes back to me, even if it means she quits cleaning her room again. My 12yo, well he has always had sleeping problems, but boy are they escalated now. He sleeps with me every night and is scared to be alone.

I have the youngest 2 in therapy, the oldest will not go. I don't know yet if it's helping, but I guess it can't hurt.

My children are confused and hurt. Since my H and I quit dealing with our problems years ago, they did not see us fight, so the seperation came out of nowhere for them. They do not know about H's infidelity, and if I can help it never will.

I remember reading somewhere that saying bad things about your spouse to your children "belittles the childs very existance", so I try to be very careful about that. It's a killer sometimes, because they would understand this so much more if they knew the whole truth.

Just wondering...out there...how are your kids doing?


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wow....

{{{{tears}}}}


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AzAllison~
My children are doing fine now, but then we are survivors and are in recovery. Initially I had all kinds of reactions, a source of irritation to the tensions that were going through the house. But, if I hadn't put us in counseling things might not have worked. Because of the problems btwn us the only reason my H went to counseling is because of the girls (we now have a son but then only the girls) Since we went it proved to be invaluable to finding out what the real problems were in our marriage and now we are together. Of course, I didn't have proof that he had been involved with someone else when I started us in counseling, I just knew we had problems. The girls have survived very well the only problem is my 9 year old has an aversion to being in a room alone ( but I'm not sure that's not a result of my 14 year old scaring her all the time with her monster stories!) And I would strongly suggest that you make it family counseling, you didn't make these children by yourself and they need to know that there is support from both parents regardless of weather or not the two of you are together. God Bless!
(by the way, there is a separate forum for children questions under infidelity as well)

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Chick's
Bren

You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!


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Oh NoMas,

I'm sorry. Didn't mean to make you feel bad when you're having a bad time right now. We will be ok here. You worry about you hon.

Chicks,

Thank you, I have never looked under the Children questions, now I have a new place to get information...which is always good. I'm glad you and your H are doing well, as your children seem to be.

Quick question Chicks...My H has a huge aversion to going to therapy, but will pretty much go with our kids if I insist (though it's a LB for him if I do insist). We went one time..to talk about our kids, but my counselor took the opportunity to talk to him alone about Marriage Counseling. By the time I came back in the room he looked like a deer caught in the headlights. It seems kinda funny now. Think I should push it, even if it's a LB for him?


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Allison, My children are not doing well either. My 11 year old D (and the one that was the closest to her Dad) lost her mind when he told her he was moving out. She has not slept alone since Feb.13!!! She slept with me holding her and now sleeps in her brothers room. Her grades dropped and she acted out. she was a top math student who now did not test into prealgebra for middle school. She got headaches and stomach aches and eczema!!! She is in counseling. She and her dad went last week. She told him she was sad and confused and he told her he was sad and confused. The counselor said he is walled off emotionally!!!

My 9 y.o. is only now starting to get depressed. Before this he just denied it. He is similar to his dad in emotions....he holds them in... I have to work very hard to get him to talk about things.... He won't play a lot if it means being too far from me. He likes to stay near me, but also he likes to go visit someone that lives far away so he doen't have to be in this house!!!!

He came home from his dad's last weekend and cried hysterically...said he wanted me to marry someone who wouldn't leave!

He will be starting counseling in August when I return from vacation.

My 5 y.o. asks her dad frequently why he lives in an apt. He never answers her. She tends to act out alittle when she is with him which bothers him which makes her act out more.

The worse thing for my kids is that they never saw us fight. Their last memory of us is in the kitchen kissing and saying "goodby, I love you" when he left for the trip overseas. My H and I checked in fairly frequently re: "how are we doing" I think I would remember if he had ever said anything was amiss.

Plus, my H completely changed his personality like an on off switch. He truly became the polar opposite of himself and was very grandiose when he came home. In fact when D said "I thought you loved us" he said "that's what kids think love is" Believe me this is NOT my H. He is even eating onions!!! His whole family can't get over that...he never ate onions...now he makes tomato sauce with onions in it.

He also refuses to look at any photos of himself being happy with the kids just last summer.

When he is at work he smiles and laughs and is normal...when he comes here he looks like an old depressed man.....complains of being cold and wants to take a nap all of the time.


It is just so bizaar. It is like what he was (which was a very nice conciderate, affectionate husband and father) is gone!!

I do know he is in there though, because the night Op's H confronted my H when they were getting in a car together, my H really crashed...I am wondering actually if that was D day!!! He called me that night and said he missed sleeping in our bed with me. He also came over the next night and hugged me and remembered some things...Plus when we went on spring break he started to have some memories.... So I do know he is in there!!!! Just very walled off!!!!

When my H says he's "changed" he really means it and we all (me, the kids, his family all notice it!!!!)


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Hi TT,

I was wondering where you were this weekend, usually you and I are big weekend posters. Guess you're managing to get yourself a life Huh? Good for you!

You know the only time I get angry about all this is when I see how my kids are affected. It's like, mess with me...ok...mess with my kids...you die sucker!!!LOL

This is the first (I think) time that I have seen you post about your H making some sort of progress! You are doing it girl! I know it's scary to get our hopes up about every little thing, but jeez TT, he is remembering things...and that is huge for him. It's encouraging, but scary when we see a little of the man we married in there. I tend to get my hopes up in a big way when H shows any progress, and then get hurt again when he slides away, but I guess it's human, isnt it?

Where are you going on vacation? Are you taking a lap-top so you can keep up with us here? Wherever it is, have a wonderful, relaxing time and take a break (and a nanny).

I'm so glad to hear good news. Will be thinking of you.

allison


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Allison, The good news was in the beginning. He crashed big time back in March, right before spring break...then Op was afraid he'd come back to me and moved out...maintaining her married life just in case........but accomodating my H as well

My H regrouped after that, started saying that he never said he wanted a relationship with her, but that they really enjoyed working together and have some common bond of antimaterialism and doing missionary work.!!!!! (sort of controlled drug use)

When he talks about her or mentions her name it sounds "magical" The last time he said to me..."this has nothing to do with you or OP (in that magical voice) this is about me" I wanted to tell him he shouldn't even be saying her name in the same breath as mine!!!

ANd her H tells me she pines over losing my H all the time....making sure he (herH ) is right there so she at least has him.....

I think to myself What is it with these two grown up people. They are so absorbed in themselves they cannot even think about what is happening to their kids...and spouses. I have known Op as long as my H has...and it hasn't been that long....There she is pining away for my H....closing off the office to his kids...(we used to go in there at least 3 times a week to say hi, or to have him drive one of them to one of their after school activities...or to say hi to the office staff that I have known for a long time.) I cannot even imagine what these women think. They saw me 3 times a week and suddenly , right after their mission trip, I (and the kids) were banned..(it upset OP too much!!!!) Can you believe it.

ANyway, I'm off on a venting tangent. I am nowhere really.... I am not talking to or seeing my H until he wants to talk to work !!! Remember, he has yet to say anything to me at all.....all he says is "he's changed" and "he's confused" he won't tell me what he's changed into or what he is confused about....all he says is he has questions and no answers.

He seems ok with all of this though. He just calls my kids nightly and sees them every other weekend and 1 time a week.

It's like he suddenly gave out...got tired of being a H and father and wanted to just work!!!!!!!

So, I don't think things are going positively, yet, I am calmer, and definately learning a lot.......

Did your H change!!! really change????


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My kids seem to be doing fine. They both have pretty much had straight A's in school over the past year. My d will be 13 next month and my s is 9. I have trouble determining whta is fallout from the divorce and what is normal sibling rivalry, teenage emotions kicking in.

Both are active in youth sports and have tons of friends.

My x is doing everything possible to make om acceptable. HE switched his weekends off so that he was off when the kids were at their house. He accompanied them on shopping trips. Om's mother even babysat the kids one day while their mother worked and I was working at home.

X tried to have om watch our son last Fri, when she screwed up the visitation schedule and I made plans and she worked. My songot out of it by going to a friend's house and stayed there till his mother picked him up.
My d stays at somebody elses house more than half the time she spends at her mothers.

I am somewhat worried however, x is passing on her justifications to the kids. My d parroted back to me the same exact thing my x said about how everyone around here is so judgemental, and personal things about other people.

My son's friend's mother also told me tonite that my son said x is changing jobs because people are so mean to her and she quit going to our church because the people there are so mean. She has not set foot in our church for a year and hasn't spoke more to more than 1-2 people from their. Some did call her, but she didn't want to talk about her affair and our separation.

I don't bad mouth my x, at least not in front of the kids, but I do try to straighten out this untruths she is passing on to the kids.

It will be interesting to see how the kids react if/when x and om marry. My son told his friend who is to be in a wedding, that he will probably be in a wedding soon too.

Overall I am real proud how well they have coped!


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TT,

I am just so sorry that I misunderstood what you were saying. Reading that must have hurt you, and I would never have intended to do that. I really thought he may have been coming out of that damn fog of his, but not yet...Hey, he can't go on like this forever. I still hope for good things and your patience is so strong.

Has my H changed? Well, yeah, every-darn-day he changes. LOL. He changed from a pretty great guy who used to have water balloon fights with our kids to a depressed, confused, hard man. Yep, sometimes I see a glimpse of "him", but it's fleeting and he fights it away pretty quickly. He's afraid of giving me "false hope". Luckily, we are not talking divorce, and he does talk about af future together now and then. We'll just have to wait and see, you and I.

So, too much caffiene for me again today, I've never posted so much before. I figure if I'm going to be a MB, I may as well be an active one.

Let's have success stories to tell each other some day ok TT?

allison


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My girls ages 10, 6 and 4 are aware that something is "amiss". As the WS the day we told them was the most difficult. Both W & I are trying to cope with this. I really want to work this out! The eldest seems to be taking it the hardest and has developed an "attitude", but like myself is slow to express her feelings...would love to have a real "father daughter" conversation with her, but not sure how to approach her...Aside from my W...the children mean the world to me...want to be a major part of their life! The "kids" are the key and it is their's and all children's "innocence" and Honesty that needs to be protected...

Keeping all Children In My Prayers


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We have two daughters, 17 and 14. Not doing well - especially the oldest. Am taking them to counseling, but have only been once. Tried to get H to for their sake, but he won't. They suspected an A long before I did - children seem to have a sixth sense, don't they? It was confirmed when OW started calling our house - even hung up on the girls. They KNEW. They screamed at H, they screamed at me(how can I be so weak? not kick him out? I am a wimp, etc. etc.) Phew - rough times!! But, things seem to have settled down a bit since H and I are trying to work things out and getting along. H even talked to oldest daughter - never said the A word, but admitted to making mistakes, didn't want to hurt her, etc. Seemed to help, but we are going through teenage angst and I think all this contributed to her acting out - she started smoking, and last night suspect drinking. This is not fun!! and I can't help but feel this has hurt her and has definitely not been a good example. What to do? Feel like I am in quicksand - everyone I love doing things that are wrong - praying to God for guidance and strength - this is so hard...
God bless...A

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Allison,

My only D (17 yo) was a straight A student. She slipped a little to B's mostly with one C. She got hooked up at the time of our separation with a 22 yo boy...someone who had no job for the last 1 ½ years and wanted to only play pool. He also had no car and was living with parents. We found out later that he had gotten two girls pregnant the first two years ago and the second a year ago. Both had miscarriages so he says. My D is 13 weeks pregnant. She got P during the time W went to England to be with OM for two weeks. W gave her permission to go on a 5 day trip overnight with boyfriend. I had a fit when I found out.

The good news is that D and I have become very close. And she has dumped the boy friend. I now have her in therapy and she likes it. She lives with me.

D and W's relationship became very strained to the point that D did not want to see her because W was telling her to abort. We brought our D up in Christian schools and she has been very involved in Church all her life and abortion was naturally not an option, but my W kept pressing the issue because it did not fit in her plans and made her feel extremely guilty. I have finally got them both back together as it should be and W at least on the surface is on board with the baby and offers support and love.

I would say that D was affected by separation. She has been a wonderful D and still is. She was just have trouble for a while and made a bad decision when she needed to talk to us the most.

Big Guilt!!

Love and Prayers for All!!

J W

[This message has been edited by J Willy (edited June 28, 2000).]


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16 months into this mess and all 4 kids have been greatly distressed. An affair is hard enough, but all the other stuff with a MLC...no responsibility etc but an "uncle dad attitude" did not bode well. Many posts by me on kids issues in the divorced/divorcing board.

Good luck to all with children. They are the ones who lose the most and there is nothing that can be done to change a lot of this. I cannot protect them from their father's stupidity and hurtful behaviour


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Az,

The children were my # 1 reason for wanting to save this marriage and swallow my pride without lbing when I found out about all he had done...

And people can change! He is now the best dad to them. They are 5b and 3g so never really knew much. They didn't used to like their daddy, now they adore him.


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My kids are finally showing signs that what happened is no longer in their minds at all time, but then again, this is our second year in recovery.

Even though my H never left, they were told about the situation when he wanted to leave - when his sister suggested it to him -. My little one 4b, at that time, had constant nightmares, and after seeing dad pack up his suitcase and carry it to the car, got in the habit of packing his little backpack and say he was living anytime things didn't go the way he wanted.

My daughter, 7 at the time, wouldn't eat, would wake up everynight at 4 a.m. to see if dad was home or not, and refused to go back to school.

there were many other effects and even after we worked things out and our relationship improved a million times, there was still a long time until we start seing the first positive signs.

Even now we sometimes find some insecurity in one or other that comes back from that time.

It's incredible how we as adults can hurt and damage this little ones without a second thought. Even though my H feels bad about his affair now, and is doing his best to erase as much as he can regarding that to all of us, the fact remains that at that time, he had no problems and couldn't even see, what his actions were creating in the kids at least.

Hugs to all

Kat

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Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.


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I believe all children are adversely affected by seperation (temp or perm) of the parents. Affair or not. I fully believe affairs only muddy the waters and can take a not to nice situation and turn it pretty ugly, for the kids.

As for my two 17g and 14g. They do great in school have friends, etc., etc., etc.

The biggest problem I see, other than the way they treat their dad since this has all happened is they fight with each other TERRIBLY! They did before he initially left, but not to the extent they have since it all hit the fan 3 years ago.

Another problem I saw was my older daughter REFUSED to go to dances, didn't want a boyfriend, or much to do with boys untill this past year. Even though she was sought after by a lot of boys. There's no telling if it was due to her lack of trust in men, based on how father acted. Or if she just wasn't interested in boys. I'd bet money it was the former rather than the later as she had boyfrineds, as innocent as they were, since she was in 5th grade. She has had the same b/f for 8 months now and he is a realy sweetie, thank goodness.

My youngest still has nights when she doesn't want to sleep alone. She's always afraid that something will happen to me. Now that her dad is back home I hope her fears are eased a bit.

No matter what I see in the way of changes in my kids that's not what upsets me most.

What really bothers me is I will never know how much better, different , etc. my kids lives would have turned out if their dad had not done what he did. ::sigh::

FC



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