I have posted previously in the "recovery" board because I feel we are in recovery. My husband confessed his affair to me two weeks ago. His affair lasted 8 months. My story is very similar (so far) to Leilana's so I quoted part of hers here:<P>"Anyway--this A my H had--he told the OW point blank he was in love with me--would never leave me but wanted to "make her happy" too (like he's God's gift to women!).<BR>Said he would never marry her. Would never raise her children. Would stop seeing her if she ever confronted me (real creepy, huh?!). Yes, he did say "I love you" to her--but whatever kind of love that is, she can keep it!! Four days before d-day he stopped all contact with her--no long goodbye--just "That's it" and no contact. For those four days he treated my like a princess again--said he was so sorry he was so cruel and neglectful, said he realized how much he loved me. Four days later the OW's H told me about the A between my H and his W. <P>My H has never waivered in his love for me. Never said, "I don't know"--never hesitated trying to win me back .<BR>He admits he will not be able to forget her (when I said she will always be in his heart)<BR>but that I was his heart and he can't forget her like he can't forget many people that he learns lessons from in life. Even his enemies he can't forget. "<P>Now back to me: <BR>Three days before he told me about the A he cut out all contact with her. He claims he is not grieving the loss of the relationship and his only feeling toward her is that he feels sad for her (like you would feel sympathy for someone who had a death in the family..he thinks she had no idea he was going to end it with her although he told her repeatedly he would not leave me for her) and he feels disgust at himself for the whole situation. In the books I have read so far and the info I have found on-line.. everything points to that there should be a period of "grieving" for the loss of the OW. My husband does not (or has not) feel this. Is he in denial? Do you think it will hit him eventually? I don't understand (and I am trying very hard) how he could risk so much (losing me, losing his daughters, losing his job--had sex with her there-he is a teacher, exposing me to an std--had unprotected sex) for someone (he claims it wasn't her--it was the excitement, the feeling, the situation) and not feel anything. Leilana's post was the first that I have read (and I have just started reading these boards) that sounded very similar to my situation. <P>So..in a short question... is it possible to have an 8 month relationship with someone..be friends with the person..share things with the person..all the while knowing the relationship wouldn't go anywhere and not feel anything for the person once it ends?<P>Thank you for your insight.<BR>Tammy<P>

Isn't it amazing how our husbands never stop loving us, never plan to leave us, but devastate us with an affair! We were married 31 years when this occurred. My husband's affair was about three months. He did not give her up by himself--I caught him. But he was so relieved that I caught him and got him out of it. He had never mistreated me and if possible he is even better than before. He can't explain what caused him to do this, but hopefully, with therapy (which he has been in for nine months) he will find some answers. He claims he never grieved her because he never loved her. Men are unbelievable, aren't they?

Yes from a man's point of view it is possible. I had a fling with a girl once (a long time before my marriage when I was still single) It was adventure and an ego trip and when that was gone, her atraction was gone too...there was never real love and I put it behind me...as water under the bridge so to speak.<P>More recently I noticed that men are generally more intense grievers, but the grief doesn't last that long...anything from days to a month or two. Women seem to grieve much longer...sometimes unnoticed...but up to years.<P>These are just my observations but maybe it answers some of your questions.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Hopeful in Michigan:<BR><B>So..in a short question... is it possible to have an 8 month relationship with someone..be friends with the person..share things with the person..all the while knowing the relationship wouldn't go anywhere and not feel anything for the person once it ends?</B><P>Sure. Maybe it is more a guy thing, but before I was married I had some physical "sport" relationships that didn't have any emotional baggage.<P>Conversely, maybe there was some emotional attachment for your H but it died and he dumped her.<P>Either way, a better situation for you than many. <P>Ity seems like men in true withdrawal from an emotional relationship are a pretty pathetic sight and hard to miss. If your H is looking and acting chipper, be glad, it was probably not a relationship that reached much of his heart.<P>

I have a good male friend who allows himself 2 weeks to be completely over a relationship. When he has had his heart broken he gives himself the first week to wallow and the second week to start getting back on his feet. Then, swear to God, he is right as rain. I wish I could do that. In my experience women tend to grieve for much longer periods of time. We will think about someone for years. I think men forget about the person although when they see her again they may think "She's still pretty hot" leading us to fantasize that they were thinking aobut us all these years. Not to offend any guys here! As a woman I really believe that women are much more likely to live in a romantic fairytale than men. I think that's why so many OW say "He'll never forget me, he'll always love me, we're soulmates". I have hardly ever seen an OM who was involved with a married woman spout that kind of stuff.<p>[This message has been edited by fairydust (edited July 07, 2000).]

Hopeful, YES IT IS POSSIBLE, esp. if the WS has been raised with Christian morals, as my WS was; my H'S A lasted more than 8 YEARS (off-and-on), and when it was over, IT WAS COMPLETELY OVER - He never looked back. We went out one night soon after d-day, and there she was. I was a basket case, but the two of them didn't even bat an eye. They weren't even interested in eachother. I think they had both gradually become disgusted with themselves and what they were doing (She was also married.) They (or at least my H) saw their relationship for what it really was - a fantasy that had nothing to do with real love. They spent a few secret, guilt-ridden moments together, comiserating about their spouses (to justify the A), and having hurried sex. What kind of relationship can that be? Only one which makes you feel bad about yourself eventually. Toward the end of the A, my H had become so ANGRY - he flew off the handle at the least little thing. I now understand why - I think he hated himself. After d-day, he must have been relieved not to have to live with the secret anymore. He had to put up with some terrible rages, crying jags, and all-night inquisitions on my part for awhile (total love busters!), but he did because he said he felt he deserved whatever treatment he got, and I had a right to vent my feelings. I felt SO CHEATED. . .all those years of not knowing. I so wished that SOMEONE HAD TOLD ME! I think it was OhMy_Marie who said, "Throw the other spouse a sword, so at least they know who the enemy is, and can fight for the right to the love that is theirs," or something to that effect. My eyes would have been opened then, and I could have seen more clearly the pain he was in. I told him that he must have HATED ME to do what he did. He said he had questioned his love for me at some points, but always decided in the end, that we were worth saving. In the end, he realized he couldn't work on saving our marriage until he had ended the A. What a tragedy - why does it take so long for people to grow up, to learn the most important lessons in life?! We wasted all those years! We could have been having the kind of wonderful marriage/friendship that we're having now, if only we had confronted our issues BEFORE it came to an affair!

Wow! I've actually been quoted!<P>In answer to your question at the end of your post--yes, it is quite possible if the affair was "ego-based". The A was total ego-stoking in my H's case. (Guess what, it lasted 8-10 months--they aren't sure exactly when it started).<P>It was all about how the OW made him feel. She saw him as the perfect man--he fell in love with that image of himself not with her. Talk about narcissism! <P>But I still don't know why he says he never "fell out of love" with me. I know I should consider myself lucky. I just can't believe it's possible. How could that be true? My H is no help with question. My only thought is that I was fulfilling as much EN's as OW was--some the same, but some she could not. Having his cake and jello, too.<p>[This message has been edited by Leilana (edited July 08, 2000).]