I don't even know if I'll post this. Damn it, I thought I was getting better. I just told my best freind yesterday that my pity party was over. And here I am with tears streaming down my face...and I don't even know why.<P>H came over tonight to visit kids b/c he is going out of town for a few days. Kids had their own things going on and didn't pay much attention to them, so he left...and damn it I cried in front of him. Told him I felt he was getting farther away from me. He said he didn't feel that way, but was still confused.<P>I come here and act like what I am talking about...giving others advice...Plan A...blah, blah, blah. Why can't I learn to keep it together. H said he didn't want to come over if it was going to make me sad. I told him he had been here lots of times when he was sad and I didn't mind. I can't be expected to be "up" all the time. I asked for, and got a hug, he teared up, and left. I am broken hearted. How long can I do this? I feel like I am losing it, and yeah...that's with Prozac every day.<P>So...I wonder, if I drive over a cliff will it make him love me...what if I got cancer? Would he love me then? <P>No, I'm not suicidal...hell I'm a mom, can't be. Whoever said Plan A isn't for wusses was right. <P>allison<P>

Last time you checked you were human, right? All your feelings are human reactions to a seemingly impossible situation.<P>I was "lucky". My H's affair was 4 weeks, 12 if you count phone contact. I don't even think it crossed to a PA. Although I can't say my H was wild about me in the weeks after D-day, he was totally committed to staying. Although I put on a good Plan A show, I was a basket case for months and still struggle with residual issues 18 months later. <P>Your situation is not as "easy". I don't know how I could have lived through what many here are facing.<P>You have character and courage, grace under fire. But you are still human and have devastated feelings.<P>Give yourself a break. You can't control your H. Sure, Plan A can make a difference and is better than being a LB fool, but in the end, you can not control, nor are you responsible for your H's choices.<P>Do the best you can and hold your head high.

Hi ya az allison<P>having a downer tonight eh. We all have them and the normally sneak up when you least expect them. You will find they become less but be prepared from them.<P>When I feel a downer coming on I surf the net for jokes. Its amazing how you find one that suits the occassion.<P>Try and think and understand how it came on and you will feel better for it.<P>Try and stay off the roads you are thinking of driving off, its one hell a stop at the bottom. Your H wouldn't love you more less if you did because your not there to share it with him. Sending you lots off HUGS.<P>keep that smile on your dial!!!!!!! Hope it helps<P>bye for now<BR>timtam

Hang in there hon. He is still coming over and that is all that matters. Just do your best to keep up with plan A and remind yourself why we all keep doing this to ourselves. Things will eventually work out, but right now he is still so confused he doesnt know what color the sky is in his world. You just keep posting and we will all be here for you. Hugs and best wishes.

Allison:<P>Been off the board for a few days dealing with questions in my own mind but felt like I needed to respond to your dispair. <P>It's always hard to visit with WS or to interact when he visits with kids. Not seeing him is easier in some ways. Having him at home where he has always been brings back those feelings of loss. You want and need for him to respond and he's just not capable of giving you the response you need right now. <P>But that's right now...not forever. So take one day at a time...because you never know what change tomorrow will bring. <P>Yes, we all know what is best for us...Plan A, Plan A, Plan A...and it is definitely not for wusses...but doing is always harder then saying. The secret is to do as much as you can and to forgive youself if you're not perfect.<P>Just remember, tommorow really can be "just a day away".<P>Buffy.<BR>

AZ,<P>(((((((((AZ))))))))))))))))))<P>Hun! What are you thinking? You must have been hit by a depression bat or something! <P>You know that I am the only one on this board that is allowed to cry, whine and fell like the end is near. I have no idea what what you were thinking about! I do know one thing though! DO NOT EVER THINK YOU CAN TAKE MY PLACE!!! <P>I am the depressed QUEEN!<P>OK! OK! I just wanted you to giggle! <BR>Honey, we all haev those times. Think about how many times you ahve posted you wonderful advice to people that have done the same thing that you just done. <BR>I use to play a game with myself about how often I thought about OM. I started counting minutes in between times that I would think about him. Then before I knew those minutes went to hours. Then I know that I will eventually graduate to DAYS!!!!! <P>You can do the same thing here. You will be proud of yourself for the accomplishment. <P>You just keep that chin up amd pray! Get the book by Ed Wheat. Making your marriaeg work alone! It is short (about 50 pages).<BR>And it is all in biblical principal. It will also help you to forgive H for what he has done. <P>Go gt that book for yourself.<P>Take Care<BR>Prayers<BR>Renee<P><P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

Now, when I used to break down every now and then, I'd get mad at myself and Sheba accused me of putting on my "cat suit" (which I looked MUCH cuter in after the "infidelity diet"!! ) and trying TOO hard to be perfect!<P>Honey, this stuff is HARD! And it hurts. Give yourself a break. I've been following you...you're doing a heckuva job, you've got your head on straight and you're so very strong. Don't forget, you're ALSO allowed to be human!!<P>Cry those tears if you need to, they're cleansing for your heart and soul. You're having a moment, not wallowing and you'll be just fine.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{az allison}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>We're all here for you.<P>Love and hugs,<P>Lori

AZ<P>Must have been the same moon where you and I were at last night because I did the same thing and felt exactly the same way. Almost, you give much better advise than I do on this thing.<P>W came over when I was not expecting her (this is when I am not prepared and she catches me off guard)...I was having the same bad day you were and was feeling really lousy when she came over for a minute and made an insensitive remark about having counselor withdrawals. My counselor has been on vacation and it will be three weeks before I can see him.<P>In fact she was right...I do miss the sessions and I did not see the humor and I snapped at her a little.<P>I hope I smoothed it over today with an apology email but its done I am in a little better mood ( I am off to play golf).<P>Cheer up (if that is possible in our situation) there will be an upside agin.<P>Love and prayers for You and Your Family!!<P>J W

Allison,<P>Do I dare follow Lori on this post?<P>I just want to say I know how hard it is. Why is it so much easier to see hope and success and give advice in other peoples situations than our own?<P>I too find it hard when he is here. We work opposite shifts so we go days without seeing each other and I feel so strong then. Then he is off and I try so hard to plan A and get so little response it is depressing.<P>I have those car thoughts too, and I have had cancer so it is a little scarey for me to have the ca thoughts becuse it is possible to have a relapse.<P>But we have to keep hanging in there and know tomorrow we will feel better.<BR>Lora

allison,<P>Everyone else has already given good advice. I guess I'll just echo what they said. You're human. Your situation hurts. You are allowed to feel sad once in a while. And a good cry will do you a lot of good. It's a good release. We all need to let ourselves be human and cry once in a while.<P>Don't beat yourslef up over it. <P>((((((((((allison))))))))))))<BR>

You know, it's funny...I don't even really know you guys and I feel so supported here, so allowed to be nuts when I want. My nearest and dearest friends in the world don't understand this stuff the way you all do. I thank God for each and every one of you.<P>I do feel better today. I called H this morning and apologized for being nutty. He said that he feels the same way a lot of times, just holds it in better. <P>inamess, you crack me up. Thank you so much for making me laugh. Hey, we have to take turns being drama queens around here girl, you don't get all the fun. LOL<P>FHL, It's funny...that you see yourself as being lucky that your H's affair was so short and that he wanted to work on things right away. That doesn't mean that you don't feel just as much pain as everyone else here. You are a brave soul.<P>Timtam, Thank you. You also make me laugh. I can almost hear your accent when I read your words. I will surf for jokes and soon. Thank you.<P>Wessimants, Buffy, JWilly, Lora, TS...you guys...thank you for taking the time to calm me down and get me back on the right track. I will be printing this one up and using it for my next brain fart moment. <P>Lostva, as usual, your words have such a powerful affect. We all need you here (maybe too much). I think the Harleys should start giving you a percentage of their counseling fees.<P>What would I do without you guys? <P>allison

Hi Allison,<P>I just wanted to thank you for your words of encouragement. I am at work now so I cant really say much. Just hang in there and with gods will all will turn out great.<P>Susan<P>also wesimants from home and mam6838 at work<BR>just didnt want to cofuse ya<P>Big hugs!!!!!!!!! <BR>

Allison, I had a bad day yesterday too and my day was nothing like yours. I've had worse things happen on other days and managed to keep a positive attitude. Then there's other days when anything that's less than perfect "gets me." Jist dust yerself off 'n git back on that hawse. Git along lil doggies.

AZ honey,<P>You're right, Plan A isn't for whimps. You love your H and miss him more than you can express. You miss your "family" and everything that word entails. That's why you're so sad.<P>You've been doing so good in Plan A. And you've been so caring and responsive to us here on this board, it's wonderful to have you as a friend here.<P>We all experience what happened to you today. I've broke down many times in front of my H, we're not super human or non-feeling beings. You can be strong again ... and Plan A is a mind set you can put in place again tomorrow, but for now, just take care of yourself.<P>My blessings to you, AZ.<P>Jo

<BR>my cup runneth over.<P>thank you all.<P>allison<P>

As you know I have been on Vacation with H. <BR>So I just wanted to pop in and see that I made ya crack up!<P>You keep that chin upp girl!! Your doing a great job!<P>@----->---><BR>Signed,<BR>The Drama Queen<BR><P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!