It has been two months since my EA was discovered. Since then my wife and I had been working toward a chance for recovery. She returned home with the kids after visiting her family in Florida the end of June. Although still separated she and I have spent much time together since that return. I should add that the time was spent not only as a couple, but as a family as well. We finished our patio project, talked about future projects and things that we wanted to do with the house. We had even started counseling. Something she had resisted after my first EA. <P>At the advice of several people here I read SAA and found the advice helpful and the main story scary, for if I had changed the names, the couple could have been us. This past Saturday the kids and I left for a day at the amusement park and my W, although invited, opted to stay home as she said she just need some "quiet time". All sounds good...well on Saturday night she informed me that she was finished and that we were done...period! That during her day of thinking it became clear to her that this was the best thing to do and she just did not have it in her to continue trying.<P>I feel as if she is giving up on us before we really had a chance to get going, that these feelings she is having are feelings that she kept buried and did not openly express. It is these feelings and emotions that I wish so desperatley to talk about and come to grips with. Unfortunately for us, just as our counseling started, our counseler left on vacation and none of this discussion ever took place. Now with our next counseling set for Friday, July 21st, my W is completely opposed to going and is resolved in her mind that we have no hope. The only visit she is planning is a visit with a lawyer to begin divorce proceedings. This person I am talking to (my W) now, is not the person I was talking to less than a week ago, seemingly full of hope and a willingness to see this through. I have told her that I still have faith in us and in what we could accomplish, but she says "No Way". Why the sudden turn around? I am just so baffled by all of this. <P>Before I left her yesterday, I asked her to please, please not give up on us, to take the time to read through SAA and open her heart to the possibilities and hope that the book offers. Her only response was that "yes she would read it, but it would do no good...there is no longer an us". <P>Today I want to curl up in a ball and just disappear.<P>I am at a loss and although I have put all my faith in God and his strength, I no longer know what to pray for. I continue and will continue to hope and pray that we can get through this and be together, but how can I reach her if she feels so certain?<P>- Todd

I'm guessing here...but I wonder if she has seen the possibility of it working out, and it scares the cr*p out of her. <P>She probably has been thru a lot of feelings recently. She's tired and disillusioned. At the same time, maybe she can see that yes, she could really fall for you all over again. But, why should she take that risk, and chance getting hurt all over again??? And, to guess at her thoughts, who the h*ll are you to ask her to take that risk? <P>A lot of us go thru this kind of crisis after starting recovery. It requires a leap of faith on our part...and right now you are probably not looking like a great candidate for placing her faith in. <P>All I can suggest is that you ask her for a little time. Grovel a bit. Tell her how you know you have hurt her, and how very sorry you are. Ask her if she is angry with you, and listen without defending yourself if she opens up and gives you an earful. Tell her you can't blame her if she is unsure she can trust you again, but that really, really want to prove that she can. With luck, she'll give you a little time, and during that time you can be proving what a wonderful H you can be.<P>Good luck. It has been 6 months since I found out about my H's EA, and I am so glad we worked through things. I hope your wife will work thru her feelings of anger and distrust and give you both a second chance.<P>Hang in there--<P>Kathi<BR><p>[This message has been edited by kam6318 (edited July 17, 2000).]

Response from a BS. My H and I are in counseling and I go alone as well. He is doing the homework, we have stopped talking about his BestFriend (the OW) in counseling (under orders from the therapist). Some progress to rebuild, at least we're not fighting any more. And to help you understand your wife, please read below:<P>Even if the affair was "only" an EA the message we got from you guys is that the past was a lie, that the OW is too fabulous to resist, and in my case, that H has no intent of ceasing contact. He is just waiting for me to come to my senses. (Your story is probably different; you're not insisting that your W renew the contact with the OW which was so painful in the first place, are you? My how green the grass looks on the side of the fence where your wife is sitting. I envy her, sort of.)<P>Now here's what your W and I have in common: I don't dare risk loving him again. He rejected me so many times, so many ways these last few years. Refused sex, pulled away from affectionate contact, answered "I love you" with "I care about you, I love you, but not the way you want me to". <P>I plan things for us to do together, and he participates, but never seems as happy as when he was doing these things with his BestFriend. It hurts too much. I'm working harder than ever, trying all the time, and he's going through the motions. <P>I'm not brave enough to make that Leap of Faith. The romantic things I tried were ignored or barely acknowledged. <P>So I am also struggling with the desire to call it quits. It's not getting any better. <P>We're committed to therapy at least til Sept. I haven't gotten a clear apology or acknowledgement of what he did nor any promise to stop it. <P>I feel it isn't that he wants to be married to me; rather, he just doesn't want me divorcing him right now or just yet. It doesn't feel like a commitment. <P>If your wife doesn't trust you, why should she put her heart on the line, and risk falling in love again? Anyway, that's how I'm feeling. I see the counselor on my own to keep my angry feelings from taking over and sabotouging the work we are doing, and keep hoping things will get better and I'll start trusting and loving again. But the only way I can describe it is like the wild animal that gets its foot out of the jaw trap; it hurt so much when the jaw held the limb, why would you voluntarily risk that pain again? <P>I don't know the individual pain your W suffered; I only know how left out I felt with my H and his BestFriend were joking and talking constantly together while I tried to entertain myself, talk to her other family members, play with her cats, watch sporting events on their family's big screen TV (yawn) or watch two of the kids play a video game on the same TV. <P>They were so at ease with each other, and I felt so awkward and deliberate and superfluous and unnecessary.<P>But that's my story. Your wife is scared, doesn't want to be made a fool again, and doesn't admire you the way she once probably did. You lied to her. <P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Bellevue (edited July 17, 2000).]