Stardust, <P>I thought I was reading my own problems when I read your post. One difference is that my W went beyond an internet affair. Like you I smothered and clung and did all the wrong things at first. Also like you, I eliminated the love busters, took over most all of the household chores, and set out to win back the heart of my wife of 17 years. It is tough.<P>My wife stayed because of our children. That enabled me to show her real change in me. I have no quick answer for you. I'm still working on this whole thing myself. I can only suggest that if there is any way possible, keep her in your home. Your changes of reconciliation skyrocket if she stays in the house. Offer her more 'space' by having her stay in another room in the house or you move to another room. Tell her your son will benefit from you both staying in the home. <P>You have to find what her top needs are. My wife would not fill out the emotional needs questionaire so I spent a long time trying to figure out what they were. It can be done. the down side is that there is tremendous rejection with the things that are not her needs. So, you keep trying.<P>Since we drifted so far a part, my first goal was to become her friend again. Do you remeber when you first started dating? Do youy remeber how you used to talk for hours sometimes? I think ALL women love to talk. A man that can listen intently AND share in the conversation will score many love deposits with a lady. So, I started talking to my wife again - a lot. It was hard at first because I felt like I was interviewing her for a job she didn't want. I found out her interests. She loves her profession and I became obsessed with her wanting to tell me all about it. All the trials she has, all the victories she encountered. After a while, our conversation became so easy. We started to become friends again. Throw in lots of compliments and appreciation of her too. <P>We started dating again. I took her to things we had never done before. We go to plays, movies, concerts, dinners, dancing, you name it. We have gone out more inthe past 9 months than our previous 16 years of marriage combined. I wanted to show her I could be fun and that I was willing to be the husband she always wanted and deserved. <P>Touch is another biggie. All women, and I mean ALL, enjoy loads of non-sexual touch. Getting there after infidelity is one of the toughest things there is to do. For you to reconcile your problems, you have to start touching her again. If you were anything like me, most of our touching in the past was only during sex. So, as you can imagine, she thought anything I wanted to touch her, I wanted sex. It took a long time for her to get over that. I took a lot of rejection to get to where I am today. You start small. ask to rub her feet after a long day. Ask to give her a hair rub while you are watching TV together. Suggest a back rub at night. As you are thanking her for something, just give her a gentle pat on the shoulder. If she pushes you away - and she most likely will - back off a little. But keep trying. Don't be a great toucher before you are her friend again - that will not work. Be her friend first. Just like when you were dating. you talked and where great friends before there was very much touching. <P>It takes a very long time to win back the heart of a neglected woman. But, it is possible. Unconditional love was my key. Give, give, give and expect nothing in return. Your time will come later. <P>I hope this helps a little. I could keep rambling but I probably overloaded you as it is.<P>Hang in there Stardust. Keep trying. <P>SHA <P>------------------<BR>There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved. <BR>
