The words by Sir Hurts are very close to what I was going to write. Read all this early today & couldn't respond then, but I thought about you a lot today. <P>Whatever you do in all this, do it for your kids if nothing else at this point. It is very hard to set aside the "me" and do what is right. Your wife is having a hard time setting aside the "me". The "me" is often a terrible thing and leads the best of us down bad paths. For the next few days & weeks try to not deal from a position that is about you. Do it from "what is best for my kids". Later, once you have had time for some of this to settle down you can start functioning again from what is best for you. At that time you will not be so raw. Rash decisions are made when our hearts are exposed. <P>Take care... Carolyn

I thank all of you for your words of encouragement and helping me get things straight. I realize now that I am being prideful. My children and my wife are worth every effort I can give to restore our marriage. I realize now that my 'perfectionist' attitude is a turnoff to my wife. I need to start making the effort to 'listen' to her side of things and show her that I truly understand, even though I might not always agree... I can at least respect her opinion. I need to follow my desire to be perfect (as Christ instructs), but not expect others to share my same desires... to apply my standards within myself and not impose them on others. It all boils down to respect. My fear now is that any respect I have for her is being dashed against the rocks of this affair. It's hard to see your wife in this light... how could she bring another man into our house and plan to make love to this man on the same damn bed that her husband had washed the sheets for and made up that very morning! (I caught her trying to sneak loverboy in when she thought I was gone... mind that she still says its not sexual... yeah right. Anyway I scared loverboy half to death and her... she filed a restraining order against me even though I didn't hit her or him (never have hit her) and we talked shortly after she dropped loverboy off somewhere.) Come to find out she is having doubts now... evidently loverboy may have a problem with commitment... hah. This guy is a jerk.<P>Therefore, here is what I plan on doing. Trying to stay in the house, be the father I've always been, try not to love bust, be her friend and let her know I'm here if she needs to talk and just keep bettering myself as a human being. The hardest thing is going to be trying not to fall out of love with my wife. This whole affair repulses me.<P>

FO2,<P>Don’t <I>react</I> to anything she does. Just act on what you need to do.<P>Don’t go to “Plan B” yet. You still have plenty of oomph (Plan A) left in you.<P>Move back home. If your wife wants to move out, then it is her decision.<P>It may seem like the end of the world, but it is only if you let it be.<P>As Kam said, “You are in the right...but, you can easily end up in the right, divorced, with 2 devastated kids.“<P><P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

I feel your pain quite keenly, fatherof2. My W left the house tonight for good. Once she makes up her mind, there's little chance of changing it. <P>I'm a lot like you. I have made a committment to honor my vows until the day the divorce is final. I do this for me, not for her. <P>I have also come to realize something about my future ex. Let me point out here that I'm not a Christian, but a Buddhist. Buddhism teaches me about Karma and the endless cycle of re-becoming or re-birth (which some people confuse with reincarnation). Perhaps you've heard the term "She's an old soul." <P>My W is definitely a "young soul." She has not been through enough turns of the Wheel to realize that her actions are hurtful, not just to me, but to her and to her Karma. In other words, if you repeat this class called life often enough, you will begin to learn something. I think the problems we've had can be chalked up to a difference in "soul experience."<P>I realize this may be a difficult concept to follow, but it makes a great deal of sense to me now, at the nadir of my married life.<P>I hope this has helped in some way. While I won't pray for you, I wish you well, and hope you can find the compassion to continue being a loving, kind person.

fatherof2,<P>I just read all of the posts on this thread. If you haven't already done this, please go back and read your first one and compare it to the last one you posted. What an amazing difference!<P>You have learned so much in such a short time. When I read your first post I wondered if you would ever be able to open your mind up enough to get the MB lessons. Obviously you have.<P>I know (believe me) how very very hurt you are feeling right now. It's just that out of all the options out there this one makes the most sense to me. I've read a ton of books, and some have helped, but this site has real everyday people that can answer your questions night or day. And they are usually right!<P>When you are at your craziest (and you will be no matter how high your standards for yourself are) come here and post and vent and let us have it. We can take it. I have come here and whined and complained and been met with so much encouragement.<P>Yeah Plan A and Plan B do seem to be kind of a backwards way of looking at all of this. I would have never thought I could do it. But over time, and with much studying, I have found peace with myself in the Plan A. I am getting to know more about myself and how independent I can be than ever before. Plan A really is for you fatherof2...not for your wife.<P>Keep learning. These affairs are so very alike in so many ways. I know it feels terrible, but we have all been through this to some degree. You will learn a lot from those who are betrayers, please read their posts. They will give you insight into a world you and I don't understand. They have helped me more than I can say. <P>Good luck, and remember...this is so fresh...at 9 days I was still in shock! Take care of yourself first and foremost. <P>allison<BR>

Fatherof2 send me an email if you need some support through the day. Similar circumstances and I don't mind what so ever.<P>J<BR>firesong@bigfoot.com