Here's my question - Has anyone really had any success repairing their marriage totally and completely? I read a lot of posts and it seems like months and years can go by and couples are stuck in a holding pattern. Or the spouse leaves again, or they stay together but it sounds like a kind of limbo.<BR> Now I have said on other posts that I am not the patient sort. I have been more patient than I ever thought possible. But what I am wondering I guess is will it ever really get better? My husband returned a month ago and is "Trying" to decide if he thinks we can make a go of it. I have been told he is in withdrawl. I am willing to have patience but sometimes reading other people's posts gets me discouraged. Are there any real reconsiliations out there?<BR><p>[This message has been edited by quakermom321 (edited July 22, 2000).]

Hi, Quakermom!<P>I'm only lurking these days, got a lot going on, but I couldn't pass this one up. Some of our long-term success stories can answer you later.<P>I know a lot of people, married 20, 30, 40, even 50 years who are happy and in love. They, too, have passed through their "trials by fire". They, too, have suffered through hurting, themselves and each other, and have come out on the other side - still together, still loving, even though there were times in their lives that they never thought it would happen.<P>Life will bring all couples so many trials, so many temptations and we all grow and change a bit along the way. Those who learn to grow together, to weather these things, IMHO, are very much success stories....not those who have never had a problem...or THOUGHT they didn't and lived through this life blindly.<P>I believe these people are all around us....we don't know because they have fought the battle together...and won.<P>Robert and I are going through a difficult time right now (which, btw, is getting a bit better daily and no, it's not a reignition of his affair. ). At first it shook me...yes, even me....I'm as sensitive as the next MB! The difference? Now we're holding on to each other, now we're sharing our feelings and our fears honestly with each other...now we're committed to each other and our marriage and we KNOW we have what it takes to ride out the storm...no matter how it might toss us while we're in it's midst. Now we're pulling together instead of apart. Now we know how very strong our love is and we depend on it-and each other - to pull us through.<P>So, as of yet, we're still a success story "in the making". We plan to be that way forever. Just my 2 cents.<P>Stay strong.<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori<P>

Yes, tho we are still recent survivors, I feel we are a "success story". I will tell you that our marriage is now much happier than it had been for years before he "feel in-love" with his co-worker. We both feel very in-love with each other now, and glad that he did not leave back in December. <P>The best part is that we seem to be building an even closer emotional tie than ever. You cannot go through something like this (or at least we could not) without all of your emotions laid bare. To see & care for each other at your most vulnerable is a very soul-touching thing. Our task now is to continue to foster the deeper levels of communication that this whole thing "helped" us to reach, and not to fall back into old patterns. I have no doubt we can do that.<P>Hang in there--<P>Kathi

Hi Quakermom,<P> YES, there are sucessess, but I have a feeling that many leave the board after awhile and move past this.<P>Anyway, I am starting to feel like a success....H had a 2yr. affair, the" love of his life, soulmate "etc(ugh)......and after Plan A and then Plan B he decided he couldn't leave his family. Really, it was only because of the kids. We have been in recovery 1yr, we moved 6hrs. away and this year has been rocky. He was miserable in withdrawl(he was still in contact), depressed and I really felt at the end of my rope.<P>However, once contact was really over.......boom ,he has become the H I used to know long ago, the defenses are gone,and he treats me great....it is truly unbelievable. <P>Many times I was ready to pack it up and <BR>move the kids back home but something kept me here, trying and hoping.IT REALLY CAN HAPPEN.....btw, the counselor who saw us in the beginning said he never saw someone so "captivated" by an OW and to prepare for the worst...........LU

Thank you - thats a point well taken. Many of the success stories may no longer post. I hadn't thought of that. Thankyou for your inspirational stories so far I really need to hear them success seems so far away to me. <BR> Kris

H and I are a success story. We have a much deeper bond now than we ever did before. We understand each other better, meet each other's need better etc. When I look back to the way he acted during the affair I never would have believed that we would be like this now. The main reason I come here now is to help support others by sharing my experiences and trying to offer hope. It was a hard road to travel but it was well worth it. I'm so glad I didn't give up.

fairydust - thankyou I look forward to having that kind of bond again and I hope it is really possible. It seems so impossible coming from where I am now with my husband; cool yet here. We get along very well. It's like good friends co-parenting but I want to regain our intimacy and he coninues to be aloof.

Quakermom.<P>I'm so glad you asked this question. I hope lots of success stories come out of the woodwork and post. I need inspiration too.<P>Every day feels like the day after Christmas to me. The more I look around and talk to people the more dissapointed in life I get. Infidelity is everywhere I have looked. I finally was able to pray for God to take over and do whatever is right, rather than desperatley pray for H to love me.<P>The realization that people are not good has been like a kick in the gut. I have to change my entire belief system to accept this now, and it's changing me into a sad person. <BR>What's the matter with me, that I don't want more that what I was promised on my wedding day? Am I settling? Why do people do this to themselves, instead of accepting life for what it is? <P>I'm sorry, just really struggling right now with the big questions I guess. <P>I just never thought it was all going to be so hard. Thought I was one of the lucky ones.<P>You know, last night at the kids ballgame I was talking to a woman I've known for years. She said she and her friend always would look at H and I through the years at these ballgames (H and I were very involved and on the board there for years) and say..."yeah, they have it...why can't we have what they have?" We really were the couple that others envied. If they only knew it was all bull****. If only I would have known.<P>Sorry guys, bad day for me I guess.<P>allison

Back to the top - az allison and I need really need some inspiration. Thanks<BR> Kris

Well, I've been on this board almost 2 1/2 years, and we are a success story. We have a much better marriage than I've ever had! My H and I are doing well, not in fairy land where everything is perfect but in the real world where we cling to each other and help each other through alot. I am deeply in love with my H again and much more important is the fact that we are committed to each other again......keep working at it, with help from the Guy above, you should be able to work things out!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

Hi, quakermom. I guess I would consider my husband and I a success story, in that although we still have problems (nothing like before), we don't run away from them anymore. And we're now able to deal with the anger and difficult, stressful times not with harsh words, but with negotiating and compromise. I really think it's just a journey that we learn bits and pieces along the way, not a miraculous overnight success, and we still have a lot to learn. Last night my husband and I went out (first time in ages) and a good friend of ours we hadn't seen in a year said, "Wow, you two never used to get along so well". When I look back at how we treated one another, it was pretty horribly most of the time. We didn't take one another's feelings into consideration, and were very "me" oriented. <P>My parents have been married for 49 years, h's for 41 and I have been taught from an early age that marriage was forever, he's seen by example and has been told the same. We've both made some horribly bad choices in our marriage (I had an affair, he did as well) but we've both learned from them. We've learned that we love one another very much, and that we have to fight for what we love sometimes. It doesn't come easy, takes a lot of work, but it's certainly worth it.

Quakermon:<P>I don't consider my marriage a success story, in fact, it should stand for an excellent example to use to illustrate what not to do or what does not work, but to me that not really important.<P>What's important to me is that I learned and in that I am a success. If H never comes back, I'll be OK, if he does come back (and that will be up to me), then I expect my marriage to be better for the ordeal. <P>Either way I am better for the ordeal, at least I have been tested in the fire and survived. I've grown stronger and I know what I want...a more intimate, supportive partner more willing to give and receive.<BR>My days of living in limbo at last are over.<P>I've asked myself the same question you have asked. Seems like everyone here is dealing and continues to deal with the same problems over and over again, nothing is ever resolved, there are no success stories that don't have "it hard, but we still trying" somewhere in the middle.<P>I too decided that, as is human nature, the success stories have just moved on in their lives, and they don't need this board as much as they did. But that's alright, that's how it is, so we have to draw our inspiration from the limited successes of those around us, dealing with the same problems as our own...no matter what stage we're in. <P>I hope that at the end of all of this we can remember those still lost in the pain and reach out with the comfort of the possibility of an end somewhere down the road. With this in mind I try to reach out to the newbies because I feel they are the ones who need the help the most and the ones who can benefit the most from it.<P>One thing I have done is to go to the post-only threads and read through the posts back through the last year of those people like Lostva who are "success stories." To see the struggle and pain in these stories, so similar to mine, and the everyday ups and downs that they have experienced, helps to keep my own situation in perspective and gives me hope.<P>Anyway, lets take this back to the top, so perhaps we can hear somemore success stories.<P><BR>Buffy<BR> <P><BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by buffy:<BR><B>so we have to draw our inspiration from the limited successes of those around us, dealing with the same problems as our own...no matter what stage we're in. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm afraid I don't know what you mean, Buffy. Could you clarify???<P>What I read in this thread and other success stories is that there is no "and they lived happily ever after", we are all human beings with different hang-ups. But I DO READ TRUE SUCCESS IN REBUILDING MARRIAGES BASED ON HEALTHY RELATING.<P>Yes, many have moved on. But many of us stay for two reasons: to keep learning and to help others.<P>For myself, there is no comparison between what we have now, and what we have ever had. We are truly learning to relate at the deepest levels. And following the Harley principles set the stage for it. My husband and I love each other, more than ever before. We too were good as friends, but are now finding so much more.<P>

I have to agree with Schizzo, I can't imagine any couple has an absolutely "fairy tale" marriage. Isn't marriage a constant work in progress? With marriage comes inevitable conflict here and there, isn't it how we work through those issues and learn from them that truly matter in the long run? I also believe that success is measured by the married couple...if they are happy with the continual progress, and are committed to work through any issue that presents itself, wouldn't that be a success in itself?<P>I do not believe for an instant that working on issues within the marriage comes to an abrupt halt once you reach the point of supposed "success". Those who have left the board, those you see daily, I can't imagine they don't have any problems marriage-wise to deal with occasionally. They've just learned the coping skills on how to handle them.<P>Like Schizzo said, some people stay to keep learning and help others. I know I learn something new every time I'm here, but I also know that I can't for one moment take for granted my marriage, that we will just "get along" like we are now without any work involved. I know that I'll never stop learning and growing, although I probably do have a lot of catching up to do.<P><BR>

Hi there,<BR> I never post anymore and I rarley even come to the board, but I saw this one and decided to respond in case it might help someone.<BR> 2 years ago my husband had an affair with a co-worker, and turned into someone I didn't even know.<BR> He went through everything bad and treated me like I didn't matter to him at all.<BR> He left 3 times and each time I though I was going to die.<BR> He came back home only to have her get him fired from his job of 20 years, and then we went through withdrawl and unemployment at the same time.<BR> For along time I thought we would never make it and that it was only a matter of time before things got really bad again, but I stood my ground and loved him every day.<BR> Now I can't believe the marriage we have, it is far better then ever before and we are closer than I could have hoped.<BR> I wish we could have found another way to get here, but we did get here and that is what counts right?<BR> I would say that we are definetly a success story and that it is a hard road, but so worth it in the end.<BR> Follow what people here tell you, it all works.<BR> I remember thinking I would never make it, and sometimes plan a was too hard, but it really works.<BR> Good luck and good love to all.

I must say that my story has been a success story, too, and although we're still early in the recovery process, our relationship has changed tremendously.<P>My H had a 31/2 year affair with a woman who used to work for him. He was planning to leave me and our two children when I finally confronted him. <P>We went through four months of hell before he recommitted to the marriage.<P>But, since then (March '00) we have been growing closer and closer and sharing so much more than we ever did before. <P>Am I over it? No. I still have some healing to do, but I can see progress everyday. I am sure there will come a time when the whole thing is just a memory and not a stab in the heart.<P>My H and I are very much in love now, and we communicate much better. We work through our issues, like schizzo said earlier. It's not that you don't have issues, it's that you can deal with them now.<P>Also, we are both much more outward focused now and work to please the other, instead of inward focused on getting our own needs met.<P>Hang in there. It's incredibly difficult and many times I didn't think I'd make it through. Many times I just wanted to tell him to leave so I wouldn't have to bear the pain anymore. But I didn't because one of the cardinal rules here is to not act impulsively based on your feelings at the moment. Feeling change.<P>I do hope that my story, just as many other stories on this board, can be an inspiration for those who are going through the "fire" right now. <P>I check this board frequently, and post mainly to help others now.<P>Lostva and SamH are two success stories that should be reviewed. They are wonderful!

Quakermom:<P>I consider my wife, Petunia, and me a big success. Her affair happened almost 1 1/2 years ago, and we've never been more in love than we are now. She proved to me that she was truly sorry for having betrayed my trust, and she committed to winning my heart (and my trust) back. Likewise, I committed to learning how to forgive her, and to let the negative images go.<P>That's the secret to success in this. BOTH spouses must re-commit. It can't be done without that. As I stated in a previous post, we are the sum of two things: (1) the circumstances that surround us, and (2) the choices we make.<P>Petunia and I chose to get help to repair our marriage. We chose to talk and cry through the hard times. We chose not to give up when we felt the urge to just throw in the towel. If it's important to you, you will NEVER give up, no matter how hard it gets.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>

Hi all,<P>i am having one of those bad, bummed out, really sad days, wondering if life is ever going to get better. this thread caught my eye, and, you know, i think i am feeling better. some days everything looks so bleak.time just seems to crawl. the seven months since my H left feel like seven years. i am trying so hard to hang on, but often i just want to let go. but then i think, NO, NO, NO!! i won't give up without a fight! i wish i had a crystal ball to tell me if the outcome will be worth the struggle.

Hello to all - I've been away for a few days on a minivaction with husband and kids. It was wonderful to come back and read those success stories. It's funny because I have recently begun to feel not as desperate as I had been. It has been 3mo. since D-Day and 1 month since husband returned home to "try". Reading these success stories certainly helps and I* thank everyone for taking the time to respond.<P>Anyone else out there? It really helps those of us who are struggling day to day.<BR> Thanks<BR> Kris