Last Saturday I finally acknowledged to my W that I can no longer hope to control what may happen. I betrayed her, but we both realize that there is now much more to this than just that. I told her that I love her and need her in my life. That I will never give up believing in us and what we can be. I have set her free...I am not going anywhere and I am not looking for others to fill the void, but I am SCARED!!! I continue to turn to God and my faith. please keep us in your prayers

[QUOTE]Good luck. Took a lot of courage to set her free. How did you get there? I'm in the same boat. My W wants space to decide if she wants to try to rebuild our marriage or not.<P>I guess the best medicine is to trust in GOD. I agree, we can't control the other's decision. That is the scarry part, isnt?

I'm proud of you Looking4suz. If you are being true to yourself and honest in that you aren't "going anywhere" then she'll come back to you. Don't give up on her. She needs time to heal. You wait patiently. You'll find each other again.<P>Oh, how I wish my H felt as you did. Pray for me. And my H. I think he's lost. And I can't seem to find him. I'll keep you in my thoughts. And your wife too. Don't ever stop looking for each other. I have faith in you both. LSM

Best wishes Looking4Suz. Guess mine should be Looking4Wendy. W and I separated last Sat and this has been an agonizing week. Even I say I am pityful. Like the other reply, she wants time to think and decide if she wants to continue trying to rebuild. She has asked me for a month of nothingness except some low keyed phone calls to her and my 2 yr old son. Missing them both terribly and hoping I get a good answer at the end of the month(or before) She did accept an invite to a local fair for Friday nite with myself, our son, and a girlfriend of hers. Hopefully, that is progress. You keep the faith and we will be thinking of you. I, like you, have no plans of going anywhere anytime soon. Been with her for 12yrs, why stop now!<BR>LHC2

I'm so happy to hear you both saying such things. LHC2 keep it up. Wait for her. She needs to heal and needs to know you'll wait even if you don't know the outcome. This is so encouraging to hear from WS's. I hope mine comes around.<P>Can I ask something from each of you?<P>What draws or drew you to the OW when you know deep inside you W is who you really want? And what opened your eyes? Was it the time away and the realization of life without them? Should I ask my H to leave and give me time? I fear for my health and don't know what to do. Advice would be greatly appreciated. I have faith in each of you. Don't give up the fight. LSM<P>p.s. It's been 12 years for my H and I and we also have a 2 year old D.<P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate

I am with Soulmate--<P>Please, I wanna know. My H says he still loves me very much. His girlfriend even says he loves me ('magine that.) He once got up out of bed with her, got dressed, drove home, called me up and asked me if I wanted to work things out--the conversation ended with a tearful 'I love you.' (I found out the circumstances much later, of course.)<P>So why?! Does it take a rocket scientist to figure things out? The knucklehead! I don't get it.<P>You are on the right path! I am so happy to read posts like yours! What a man! Keep going--my prayers ARE with you.

I'm curious to know the answer as well.<P>Especially since I am one of those betrayed wife's that has heard, "But Marie, I swear, I never stopped loving you...."<P>My H finally, after 8 months, gave me an answer I think I believe....<P>Here's his answer:<P>After 17 years, our love had grown *comfortable*...kinda like an old sofa. Although he had had sex with other girlfriends (prior to marrying me), he had always been faithful to our marriage vows. Suddenly, at the age of 40, he started to feel "left out"....it seemed all of his married buddies were getting lots of action. Some were so bold as to ask him "what his problem was?"....and he started to feel as if he was missing out on something....as if an affair was a normal *passage* into the over 40 world. Of course, all his buddies were getting away with it--not one had gotten caught. So, when he had the chance, when a younger co-worker showed interest, he flirted back.<P>And, it worked like a charm. What he didn't count on was how irresistable the "pull" of the affair became. What started out as H's just wanting to experiment, began to turn into a full-blown love affair. He was--for lack of a better phrase--in over his head.<P>The more she "gave" to him, the more he "gave" to her...and then the more they "fell in love". The more "perfect" she treated him, the more able he was to find fault in me....and the more able he was to ease his guilt over what he was doing.<P>Once he was discovered, the "spell" was broken. He realized that his *experiment* had to come to an end. He realized that he wasn't willing to throw away the "old sofa"--after all, it had held up DAMN WELL for 17 years! Horrors upon horrors, what if the new sofa wasn't as strong, what if the new sofa gets a tear in it? What if the new sofa isn't as BEAUTIFUL as it first appeared? What if the new sofa turns out to be high maintenance?? ...THEN WHAT?...Oh, what have I done?....WHY DIDN'T I REALIZE WHAT A GOOD SOFA I HAD TO BEGIN WITH?<P>Peace, ~Marie <BR>

Marie,<P>i couldn't have said it better myself. in my situation, my H wants to hang on to the "old sofa" (me) and can't seem to bring himself to part with the new piece of furniture (that snazzy, sleek chair with no worn spots in the upholstery). he hasn't realized, like your H has, that the old sofa has held up well over 22 years, though it sags a bit, and over the long haul will be more durable than that cheap Walmart chair. (sorry if anyone works at Walmart). SW

Dear Looking for Suz:<P>You are right by saying that you CANNOT control things...BUT, you can certainly CHANGE things. You can ask for a second chance to prove to your wife that you CAN BE THE MAN THAT SHE NEEDS YOU TO BE. You can ask her for a 6 month trial period OF LIVING TOGETHER--so that she can see how SERIOUS you are about the marriage. If she's open and willing, and you're able to ask without her thinking you're pressuring her, you may want to try suggesting this before too much time has gone by.<P>You can share with her that you have visited this site, that you have become familiar with Harley's concepts...and that you BELIEVE in them! That there are many of us, just like the two of you, that are turning our marriages around for THE BETTER. <P>You can buy her a copy of the book and ask her to please read through it. Let her know that you are more than willing to fill out all the questionnaires and faithfully practice the concepts. (Again, remember to be patient--and to not seem as though you're pushing too much on her, too soon.)<P>REMIND HER WHY YOU LOVE HER. Tell her what makes her special. <P>Even though she is gone from the house, there is still so MUCH that you can do to hold onto her. TELL HER AGAIN THAT YOU WON'T GIVE UP SO EASILY ON HER LOVE.<P>Do what women want....send flowers, tuck notecards in places where you know she'll find them, take her on a picnic, take her dancing, if you have any old pictures/letters that symbolize the "beginning of love" between the two of you, mail this to her with a note saying how it's your DREAM to get these feelings back with her--YOUR TRUE LOVE.<P>YOU CAN DO THIS! YOU CAN GET YOUR SUZ BACK! GOOD LUCK...I'M ROOTING FOR YOU!<P>Peace, ~Marie