I know this goes against Harley's ideas, but I just feel like maybe I should let my H go. He is starting to feel resigned to staying with me: out of guilt, exhaustion, and some caring for me. Also, OW has had some second thoughts, but hasn't broken it off (the second thoughts are because of her children not because of feelings for my H). He clearly isn't attracted to me anymore. He doubts that he can be again. He would want a marriage of friends. <P>I just wonder whether I'm being selfish to want him to stay. If he'd truly be happier with her, then maybe I should let him go. I know Harley says he won't stay happy with her for long, but maybe he needs to find that out. I wouldn't divorce him right away--I'd make him wait two years or so to see if the relationship with OW would die a natural death. That might be the only way he'd be able to love me again the way he used to. <P>I just feel like in some way I'm forcing him to stay. I'd like to think we could practice Harley's principles and regain our love, but if he is just depressed and resents me, how can that happen? I know the time frame that Harley says, but I'm not convinced it would be true for my H. <P>I sense that OW would lose her doubts if my H told her he was sure he wanted to be with her. He's been keeping her in limbo too.<P>Has anyone else done this? Said to WS, ok go see if this works, I'll be here if it doesn't?

I posted something similar under Recovery about giving up & all the responses told me not to - that as long as he's with me & not her then I have the upper hand. I don't always feel that way but I know things would be worse if he was gone. And yes I have told him to do what makes him happy, that he doesn't have to stay out of obligation (I'm pregnant & just discovered that I don't have a job to return to) but under no circumstance will I take him back when he comes to his senses & discovers that she's not what he wants. There is only so much each of us can handle. Every day I wonder whether we're going to make it or not & I don't have the answer although I hold on to the belief that we will make it. However the clear sign that we won't is the day he walks out of that door either on his own or because I've kicked him out for not working on our marriage.<BR>It's not about giving up your H to her. That's not the problem. It's about your relationship and working on that.<BR>I don't know how long you've been working on your marriage but he will change his mind every other day. The difficulty is holding on during the times when he doesn't seem to work on the marriage.<BR>Personally I think it would be a mistake to tell him to do whatever he wants, you'll still be waiting. The WS also needs to take steps in the right direction.