I the BS is comming to a very real understanding of what withdraw is. I have just recently moved to Plan B, I think. At least that is what I've told her. Unfortunately I can't stop calling her. I miss my W so much, I feel so pathetic. <P>I am emotionally exhausted, I want to go on with my life. I want to let her go. I don't know if I could take her back after what she has done, then continued to do. I just don't know how to let her go. Can somebody give me a little help here? <P>Also, How does a WS actually enjoy having intimate relations with OP, when they know they are hurting every person they know and that loves them, their children, their spouse, their parents, their inlaws, their friends, THEMSELVES? I just don't understand. How could what they have for the OP be love when the very basis of it would cause so much pain to their children? I can understand how a WS may fall out of love with a spouse. <P>How does a WS respect themselves? <BR>Is the affair a low self-esteme problem?<P>sorry for all the ?s<P>Just tired of hurting, sometimes I'd rather just go into a coma and come out when the "fog" lifts.

Number 1: You are *not* pathetic.<P>Number 2: God, I wish I knew all the answers...<P> Why do they do what they do, and hurt all in a seemingly careless( loveless) manner? How can I answer that without "putting your spouse down"? <P> All the terms I use for my xH are not appropriate, here. But here goes... She has turned off her conscience. She has lost her way. She is blinded by "love" for the OP. She is quite possibly so screwed up that she doesn't even know if all that she has done is remotely repairable. She is afraid to face the "music". She does not want to see herself as a bad person. <P> I don't know... I truely wish I did. Some questions are just best left alone, because they cannot be answered in a reasonable, understandable way.<P> ((((homer))))<BR> Have yourself a good, long cry. I know you're probably sick of crying already. But, you know something? If I had not been able to cry during my x's fiascos, I probably would have ripped my eyes out by the roots. <P> After you do that, let yourself fall into a dreamless sleep. Rest your mind. Tomorrow may not bear what you want, but you will face it and get through it. We all do, somehow.<P> Hugs and prayers for you. God is holding you now. Take comfort in that. We are here for you, and for each other. Post all you need. We can relate. If you have kids (sry, I am not familiar with your story), rest easy... you know that you will always have their love. <P> Mynabird

Mynabird,<P>Thank you so much, I have had a much better day. I still don't understand what I can do for myself. I don't even know if I want her back. I know that my future with or without her is bright. The only problem is I love her still. It is difficult to let go. I feel sorry for her as well. She looks as if she is going to continue down that path and it will be misery for her in the end. My pain will only last as long as I let her stay in my heart. Her pain will last her a lifetime in the end. She cant see it now and may not for a while. I have not talked to a couple yet either on MB or in RL who is happy after they married an affair partner. <P>I have asked many I have quite a few WS and BS in my extended family. All the WS either turned to drugs, many other divorces and my closest one who is still with her affair partner has tried to commit suicide 3 times and has lost her job and is unemployed. She is being chased by the IRS and has given up her daughter to her X because the child is out of control now that she is in her teens, burgulary, autotheft, and drugs. Her Dad can barely control her now. <P>Affairs are horrible and destructive. Maybe the marriage isn't working out but to have an affair is the worst possible way out. <P><BR>All I want now is for my heart to let go of her, I want to not care if she is with him, so I can move on with my life.

You guys make me sad--I should forgive, it should be easy for me. If only he would talk to me about it, instead of having fits and trying to turn the tables around so that we fight. I do love him so much.<P>After we got back together, I saw how sad he was. He was silent and brooding, and he drank soooo much! (The affair came and went without me knowing--except that he demanded divorce, then reunion, then separation, then came back, then left, then came back, then wanted to talk, then didn't want to talk. . .and I had no idea what was going on! DUH!!)<P>My hubby used to be a muscle-bound guy with beautiful dark hair--in a year, he is flabby and his hair is all grey. Like I said, he drinks like a fish. I hate it--it only makes things worse! He is drowning his sorrows with beer and destroying his health. Soon he will have even more troubles to deal with if he keeps on this path.<P>He will not say he is sorry! He tells me that he doesn't feel guilty. But one night, when he thought that I was asleep, he came to bed, put his arm around me and started sobbing. I was too freaked out to even acknowledge--MY macho husband, cry?! Now I am wondering, was he crying because he missed HER, or because he was unhappy with himself for what he did? I wish that I could ask him, but it would start a fight.<P>The other night, I called him to talk about some of our property that needed to be dealt with--I know he wanted to keep talking about other stuff (like me coming home?) but I want HIM to come to me with it, instead of me digging. Is that wrong?<P>Great thing to do: keeping stuff bottled up inside until things explode. That's pretty much the story of his life. But if he would talk, if had talked instead of yelled, then we would have never had problems in the first place--the problems that lead to him cheating on me. And if he did talk, I would not be where I am (I am staying with my parents, and he and I are separated by the Pacific Ocean.)<P>I understand, Homer. An EA is an addiction, like a lot of things, and you hurt a lot of people in the process of fulfilling your "needs." I even feel bad for the OW in my case, when she could not end it gracefully with my H--she loved him. I am not so mean that I don't understand. I just wish that it had never started in the first place, I wish with all my heart that we could all go back to that point in time before it happened, and make it all go away by making better choices!

"Affairs are horrible and destructive. Maybe the marriage isn't working out but to have an affair is the worst possible way out." <BR> <BR>"All I want now is for my heart to let go of her, I want to not care if she is with him, so I can move on with my life."<P> You are absolutely correct. Affairs are the worst possible way to go. Nothing but misery comes of them. I'll tell you a little of my story... my xH married his affair partner. I was actually ambivalent about the entire thing. I had gone through so much grief with him, that I was *glad* to see him go. He lies to me so much that he killed my love for him.<P> Now, over 4 years later, they are miserable. His (now) wife doesn't trust him. I have to chuckle when I wonder if she ever really thought that she could. Their 2 kids are *wild*. That is what my ex-in-laws say, anyway. <P> I don't revel in their misery, amazingly enough. I have my life to live. I have gone back to college and am studying for my associate's degree in nursing. After that, I intend to continue my education and go into the field of microbiology. In my secret life, I am an artist. I enjoy working with pen and ink. I have started a tiny herb garden. I still love to read, although I rarely get to read for pleasure anymore... not enough time in the day, lol!<P> I come here, even with a broken marriage, to tell people that there is life after an affair, no matter what the outcome. I don't tell people what I would do, personally. My opinion usually runs along not trusting a cheating spouse. But, if the WS really wants to work on the marriage ( my xH didn't) then, I say go for it!<P> The hurt takes a loooooooong time to lessen. It never really goes away. You just learn to live around it. Then, one day, you are just lying down to sleep... and you realize, "Hey, I didn't think of WS *all* day!" Cool!<P> I strongly recommend doing things for *yourself*. The herb garden was something that I had never done before. I love it. My friends pick on me... they say I dote on my plants like a mother. I can't bring myself to break off the leaves for cooking, yet. I love how they look and smell. Silly, huh?<P> I am truely happy that you had a good day. Here's to many more in the future! <P> Mynabird

I can totally relate with you, you are feeling exactly how I feel, one minute though, I wish I could have him back in my arms, and the next, well, i want to move so far away, so that he cant hurt my children or me ever again. The pain is so real, and you often wonder to yourself, "do they feel it? Is it even remotely possible to miss our children, or even me?" One minute it is as if they do, and then they turn and walk away, as if it never meant a thing. I feel your pain, it hurts, and just know that that feeling you feel in the pit of your gut, that is what will get you through it. That is what I beleive, I beleive that is why that feeling is there. I was once told, that "God doesnt give you anymore than you cant really handle" I am beleiving this, even today, because he is getting his, as we speak, he will have to pay child support for not just our 3 children, but for a 4th one that came about after his last affair. And him and his new girlfriend think that they will be so happy. So know that what goes around, does eventually come back around. Good Luck to you!