a new twist to the story,,, ow just sent me another text message saying she loves me and wants me, if things dont work out she will be there, waiting for me,,, gee this is tourture!!

Alberta<P>Thanks for the advice <P>I can’t call my wife and kids, like I said before I live in England,,, my wife and kids are currently on vacation in Wales, its a VERY remote part of Wales, set deep in a wooded valley in the country , so there is no signal on her cell phone, I have to wait for her to call me. Still I will be going back to them tomorrow, cant wait!<BR>

bringing it back up to the top !!

Itsme -<P>Hi, I'm doing the rounds again. I saw your post about the OW's message to you. you said it's torture, why? I think it might be because you haven't fully decided what you want to do, work things out with your W/Family or leave them for the OW. <P>How did you respond to the message? My advice - that is if you decided to stay with your family - is to (1) delete it and don't respond; or (2) send a message that you never want to see or talk to her again (i.e, a no contact message must be sent). If you haven't told the OW that you want to work things out with your W - you better do that once you decide to stay with your family. If she continues to contact you after that, she is only being disrespectful to you and to your W.<P>I know you are still in the early stages of making heads or tails of this situation. But it seems to me that you need to make some hard decisions (1) Stay with your family or leave; (2)Confide in your W about the A; (3) Inform the OW of your decision; and (4) Follow your chosen path. From what I've been reading, it sounds like you want to work on your marriage. Once you believe that and are committed to that decision, the rest will follow.<P>Since the OW is a friend of your W's - if you send a no contact message - you need to be really careful that she won't tell your W about the A - in retaliation. It'll bite you in the butt. That's why, I still strongly believe that you need to confide in your W about the A. But, you already know how I feel about that . . . <P>It's hard to put the feelings for the OP in the past, take it one day at a time. After four months, I still have fleeting thoughts/feelings for the OM, but it is less intense. It takes time, and in one of the books I read, it can take up to 2 1/2 years to fully recover from an affair, and some people may never forget the feelings for the OP - they just choose not to act on them. The reason being - they love their S and they want their marriage to survive.<P>I think you know what you want to do, you're just having trouble taking that first step. We're here to support you, whatever you decide. It takes a very courageous person to want to stay and fight for his/her marriage - not only for a BS but for the Betrayer as well. Hang in there, but don't sit on the fence, make your decision and then take action.<P>It's really tough, I know. Even after I did the no contact thing, the OM still kept calling me, etc. . .I have chosen to ignore him from this point forward, and so far it has been 1 month since he tried to talk to me. I hope he gets the message. If not, I'll have to do another no contact message.<BR>Do I feel bad that I have to be "mean" to the OM? Not really - just simply because this is the same person who helped me almost destroy my marriage. My H is so much more important to me - his feelings, etc. - than the OM's. Try to keep focused on your family, what you have and what you could have with them - it's real.<P>

is there anyway you can put a block to those messages? I've never heard of SKS messaging before. Must be specific to Europe (i'm in us)<P>You are starting to think a little clearer already, in just the 2 days I've been following your saga. If you do have contact, it will put you right back to where you started. So, by all means - strategize how you will not have contact.<P>Just concentrate on that for now, remember the goal - get to Tuesday without contact.<P>TNT

SKM, hi the reason I said it was torture when the ow sent that message is because I had hoped she would not make contact, I think by her saying this she is not letting go, it makes it harder for me to focus on my wife when I know in the back of my mind that the ow is waiting just in case it doesn’t work out. I have already made a decision,,,, that was to finish the affair and give my wife all my love.<P>trustntruth<P>SMS messages are like emails sent via cell phones, I don’t think you can stop them.<P>No contact today and no messages from the ow.<P>I am leaving work now to drive to my wife and kids, cant wait to see them hope you all have a great weekend. Thanks for your help.<P>

Dude!! Why do you read mail from her?<P>That's what got my ol' boy going again. She would send him e-mails saying that whenever he was depressed, it gave her hope for "them."<P>I don't want to tell the whole story again, but I will give you a little of our situation so you will know:<P>My H, in the military, met his OW while in a military school on the E coast for six months. Granted, he was mad at ME for re-enlisting in the army (he is in another branch of service) and being stationed on the w coast. Really mad. He had a good reason, I will give him that. So he started up with "The Joker." (What she looks like--to me.) The had a cyber friendship for two months or so, an intense romance complete with sex for two months, and then it was time for him to leave. During this period, ol boy would go back and forth between me and her as far as the future went. However, I had no idea what was going on over there on the e coast! All I knew was that he was mad at me without forgiving and acting weird, very weird.<P>He came to our house on his way to his new duty-staion overseas, and that's all it took to reunite. Can't say we had a real good time, he was still acting weird, (and I still didn't know about EA) but he took me out to breakfast easter morning and said "Now. Will you please get out of the army and come with me?!" So I did. Immediately. Not a question in my mind.<P>During the time he stayed at home on leave, a month or so, he did not talk to, call, write, or anything to the OW. Months later, I found bolshoi unanswered e-mails that were oh, so sad and heartbreaking: "Where are you, tonight, baby? Are you somewhere out there? Can you feel my love?" (This is how I ultimately found out the truth--email and chat, but I found out months after the fact.)<P>Things were goin pretty good for us, and the family was beginning to heal. Until he started answering her letters again, for whatever reason, that is. Because he felt bad about the way he left her. Because he really loved her, whatever. He never saw her again in person. But the spent all the rest of the year engaged in a romance that was a torid as ever, cybersex, everything. She reminded him that I was an evil witch, and how the heck could he be happy with me? He told her that he now felt trapped after getting me to make such a huge commitment to him, giving up my career and coming with him. On and on. More in love than ever.<P>If I could paint one picture for you: Six months later, when he came back to states and escorted me and the kids to his new duty station, that was the longest plane ride that I have ever taken--not just because of the hours it took to get there. He met me at the international airport with a brusque "How are ya?" and he sat on the plane with his jacket wrapped around him and his eyes closed. He drank as much beer as they would give him. Anything not to have to look at me. Here we sat, inches apart, and I felt that he would have been more comfortable with a cement wall full of rebar set up between us. It was horrible--especially since I STILL did not know what was going on. I thought that he hated me. That is a miserable feeling--to feel that someone hates you when you have done nothing to them that you can think of.<P>The same feeling when the relationship continued for a few more weeks. Finally, my husband wrote to her and said "Enough. I love you, but I cannot take this covert stuff anymore." (That was the last entry in their chat--I know, I am terrible. I read the whole thing after a while. I wasn't trying to snoop, but his lies were bothering me and I had to know. I found out things that I didn't want to know now and wished that I didn't.)<P>He shut the computer down and didn't touch it for a long time (weird! I STILL didn't know.) We had the beginnings of a wonderful marriage after that. He was the man that I married a long time ago, and even better!! It was a dream! He would catch my attention from across the room and smile at me. We would curl up on the couch together and just pet each other's hair. He would call me from work just to say 'hi!' Unbelievable!<P>Then got sent out on ship, and one day I was fixing the PC and found the chat files. All hell broke loose. But that's another story.<P>Monsieur, if there is one thing that I could tell you, please, find some way to get away with your wife for a while where the OW will not be and see how you REALLY feel about your wife, if you are interested in keeping the marriage. It is important to quit one or the other COLD TURKEY if you want to keep your sanity and to be fair to the women in your life. <P>You just cannot love two women. I know how much you do, but you can't devote your life to two women, unless you are a shiek or a tribesman wearing a lionskin and carrying a spear. As you have pointed out, one woman will always have to be slightly more important than the other at different times. Your lover makes you happy, makes you feel important. Your wife is the mother of your children and the caretaker of your home--you owe her a lot. But think of how THEY feel--a lady needs to know that she will be loved by her man unconditionally. You have set conditions for your love by including two. <P>I think that you want to re-invent your marriage. Like I have said, do what you can to make your wife exclusive to you for awhile, and see if that is what you want. (Vacation, leave from work, whatever.) You have a marriage contract with her--she should be the priority. The other lady can wait. No, I take that back. She can't. Don't even think about her. Throw the phone away. Power off the PC for awhile. Go camping. <P>I know that you have been hurt very badly by her, but if you are still holding on to her, that means there is hope, even if you don't realize it. (I think that this why my hubby did what he did. He was hurt by me for what I did and either tried to comfort himself or get back at me or both.)<P>You owe this to your kids, too. Half of their genetic make-up is from their mom, so wouldn't it make sense that their dad loves their mom as much as they do? This is the greatest gift in the world that you can give your kids--to be in love with their mom. Think of how you would feel if you were a little kid!<P>Just my two cents. Dollar and two cents. Sorry if I have made this too long and boring.

Yay yay!!!<BR>you made it to Friday!!!!<P>Congratulations. Thanks for the info about the cellphone email. That is new to me!<BR>TNT

SKM...<BR>I love the advice you are offering to "itsme"<BR>Your story sounds much like my own. My husband has been supportive and strong for me in so many ways I never imagined he would be. <P>My time frame is much like yours as well. The days are difficult, but once I ended...really ended the contact, it has been easier to give fully to my husband...which is absolutely vital to our surviving this crisis. <P>Thanks for the gentle reminders I gleaned from your post.<P>"Itsme" <BR>I do hope you have a wonderful trip with your wife and family. And I would agree with SKM...tell your wife the truth. Please keep us posted as to how your are doing.<BR>

Itsme,<P>I was just wandering how you were doing. So how the hell are ya? Let me know.<BR>Thanks<BR>Renee<P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!