I find myself hurting and very loneyly after seventeen years of marriage, I hurt my wife real bad by not doing things with her, pushing her away, not paying any attention to her as I was busy working on the new place and just did not make any time for her, and it all came to a point where she asked me to move out. Since then I have changed to a new person and I like the new me.<P>My question to all of you is this.<P>I can not read my wife's behavior pattern and need your help to understand it.<P>Here is the pattern that really concerns me. She has shut me out of her life, I am not allowed over on Sundays when the kids come over, she went on riding trip and I asked her if I could stay at the house with my little dog in place of bringing him here as he did not do well before, she told me no.<P>We see each other two to four times a week and she seems so distant and on gaurd so to speak. She will give me a hug and kiss and is just starting to show just a little bit of affection. I have asked her if there was anyone else in her life and she told me no. I have asked to take her somewhere nice for a weekend and she told me that she can not take the presure of spending two nights and two days with me. I offered to reserve two rooms if we could go some where nice for our anniversary that is in two weeks and she never brought up the subject to say yes or no.<P>We are going to counseling and she did say that she wanted to save the marriage, but why does she feel the way she feels? I have totaly corrected everything that I was doing wrong and trying very hard to get us back together. If she does have some one else in her life, why not tell me, we have been seperated for two months and if she is not telling me, what is the reason for it?<P>Please give me your thoughts on this as I do not want to do anything stupid to screw things up at this point.<BR>Ted<P>[This message has been edited by tkb10000 (edited August 10, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by tkb10000 (edited August 10, 2000).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I have totaly corrected everything that I was doing wrong and trying very hard to get us back together.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>There is no such thing as correcting everything, I'll tell you that much. It's a process of forever growing. Sounds like you've started a good plan A.<P>You're asking people who don't know you or your w to guess if she has someone else. Who knows? Maybe, in general people would rather stay in a bad situation (unless it's abusive) than be alone.<P>If she says she wants to save the marriage, ask her when you can move back. It's much easier to work on it when you're there.

Thank you for your thoughts, I did ask her that quesiton two weeks ago and she said that she was not ready yet for me to move back. I do not know if she is waiting to get her feelings back or just be comfortable with me again. Plan A has been in the works for two months and I am a new person and plan to stay that way no matter what.<BR>Ted

Bringing to the top...TKB really needs some advice and help..please read and help.<P>Arrow

Thank you arrow, I really do need some help on this.

Ted,<P>You say you're in counselling...<P>Can you (individually) speak to the counsellor to get a time table in place for you to move back in. Make it a firm time table... 2 weeks... 4 weeks... whatever...<BR>...but make it clear that this is necessary to practice... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>The Rule of Time:</B> Take time to give your spouse undivided attention. (page 127 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Unless you're legally separated...<BR>...if you're both on the deed/lease...<BR>...(and there is no history of physical abuse)...<BR>...in almost all states...she cannot lock you out!<P>...but first go with a gentle apporach to move back in.<P>It is the best way to continue practicing a good Plan A!<P>Is your counsellor versed in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A>?<P> <P>Jim