I've been a "lurker" here at MB for a while and just posted for the first time the other day. (See "a big failure" for my story). Anyway, I just have a question for all the WS: <P>If/when you decided to end your A and focus on rebuilding your marriage, how did you break it off? I know the only answer is to completely cut off contact, but did you talk with the OM/OW first and let them know your decision, and if so, in person or on the phone/email? Or did you just stop seeing them and not take their calls... that kind of thing? What does your spouse think of how you handled it?<P>I am to the point where I have begun to think of it AS an A and not just a "relationship" that might work out. (Sounds dumb, but it's a major step in my book.) I know ending it will be extremely difficult, but I also know that I have to in order to save my marriage and not lose the wonderful man I know my H to be. I just don't know how to go about it. <P>Also, how do you find the strength to say goodbye to someone you care about so much? I never thought I could love two people like this, but here I am. Any advice/comments/suggestions will be appreciated. <P>I just wanted to get some other people's thoughts on this. <P>Thanks!<P>

Lost_in_love<P>I am in the process of trying to get out of my relationship now. This is hard and I am still struggling along. I posted on this site for the first time the other day and began trying to end it without hurting the OW. This person I also care very much for. I read this post and began to get an erie feeling. I am lost and don't know which way to go and just need some support and help. Maybe someone will give an answer and help us both.<P>I called the OW, and I hate to call her that, on Tuesday and told her that I had posted on this site and what my post was about. I told her that our relationship was wrong for our marriages and that we just needed to put an end to the love and contact. She cried all afternoon and I felt like I had just killed her and myself. I spent yesterday with her just trying to find away to say good bye. I failed. Since I called her I have felt very empty inside and for the first time since we began our relationship, my W asked me what was wrong. I couldn't answer.<p>[This message has been edited by roadie (edited August 11, 2000).]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by roadie:<P>I am in the process of trying to get out of my relationship now. This is hard and I am still struggling along. <P>Roadie - sounds like we are in a similar position. If you'd like to talk more or share stories, I'd be glad to take this to email. After all, this web site IS for support, right???<P>I just keep praying that everything will somehow work out the way it's supposed to.

Hi Lost in love and Roadie,<P>If you go to the "concepts" area of MB you will see an article by Dr. Harley explaining exactly how an affair should end. It's pretty cut and dry, and the betrayers I've seen on these boards seem to have a very hard time with the no contact thing.<P>Do your spouses know abouty your affairs? If not, Dr. H says you need to tell them. Yep, the hardest thing you will ever do, but the only fair way to go about this. You should send your affair partner a no contact letter ASAP. Do not take phone calls from them. It has to be a clean final break you guys. It will hurt like hell from what I've seen here, but the betrayers that keep going back and forth seem to have much more pain. I've seen them say that every time they had contact it was like starting withdrawl all over again.<P>Be prepared to feel like crap. Hopefully you guys will have a spouse that can help you through this. The Harleys phone counseling has seemed to help people here a lot. Maybe the investment of $95 would be well worth it if it helps you make the break off a bit smoother.<P>Please, please do the right thing. Give your spouses the chance they deserve. Read about how to fill thier needs. Come here as much as you need to...we can talk you through the bad times when you want nothing more than just to talk to OP to see if they're ok. Read the posts from other betrayed spouses. When the betrayers really cut off contact and work on their marriages things just progress very quickly and well. <P>Put your spouses first...it was not their fault. You may only see the bad in your spouses right now, this helps you justify what you have done, but try as hard as you can to see what they are going through. You must think of them first.<P>Your OP's will be OK. It's natural for you to worry about them. They will be free to get their lives straightened out now. This affair could not have been much fun for them either. It causes pain all around, and letting them go is the right thing for all of you. After the affair ends, they can get on with their lives too. Soon, you'll all be wondering just what the heck you were thinking!<P>Read SAA...post here...be strong.<P>allison

Yes it is for support.<P>az allison<BR>Thanks for your help here. I do not blame my W for any of this. My affair started over two years ago with a woman who I have been friends with for years. It is not the physical part that was hard to break but the emtional bond that is there. I feel like I have killed myelf here. I do love my W and would never consider leaving. At the same time I know I am going to have to destroy a good friendship. That is a person who has been there for me for many years. I hate that I let it get this involved and physical. We together ended the PA because that was not right, the EA is going to be harder. I know it must be done. We both have good marriages with few problems and I am afraid this is going to destroy both of them if we tell. If we come clean, it will be together, on the same day. Now, How do I tell? This is going to be hard.

Roadie,<P>If there is one thing you must realize it is this--you <B>already</B> destroyed the friendship when you started the affair. You crossed the line. You will never be able to go back again. Whether you go back to your W or not. <P>Once he said "I love you"--he , in effect, murdered his friend. That friend doesn't exist anymore.<P>Once SHE said "I love you, I'll never love another again"--she, in effect, made my H a romantic partner--he'll never believe she can be only platonic with him as well. The friendship is history.<P>The emotional bond IS the hard thing to let go of. But if you want to reclaim your marriage--it's just something you're going to have to do. <P>My H's deepest regret is turning the friendship into an A. He has grieved over that lost friendship. But he continues to have no or as little contact as possible with OW (they work together). Even tho he knows she is hurting. He realized it is still her responsiblity to find another support system as well as find strength in herself so that she can survive and move on. <P>He was determined to save our marriage and never took his eyes off the ball. He's a regular pitbull. Thank God.<P> You can't support OW AND your W. It's not emotionally possible for you to do. You will need to make a choice. To do otherwise will only cause more pain.<P>And Roadie, my H is ecstatic with his decision. He sleeps like a baby now. He has control over his life again. He's totally in love with his W. He feels like a good person again. He never wants to go back to that dual life hell. He loves THIS life. <P> It can and does happen.<P>Read SAA--with your wife. You will need to be honest with her. She is your partner. She needs to know. She needs to be able to help you 'cause you are not going to be strong enough on your own...and when she's not strong, you'll need to help her as well. That's the deal. That's the way it goes.

Uhhhh...Roadie? You're a guy, right? And "lost_in_love" is a gal, right? Then I think it's a VERY BAD IDEA for you guys to take this "mutual support" to E-mail.<P>If you don't believe me, ask NoMas.

Leilana<P>Thanks for you insight. You are right. I feel like I have betrayed two women here. My W first of all. She thinks I am perfect and I know I am not. Over the past four months do you know how many times I have awakened in the middle of the night and thought that? I AM NOT PERFECT. I don't even know how we let it get this far. Second I have betrayed my friend. I know we are both guilty, but I have let her down also. There is a lot more to this story than I have time to write. It is going to be hard and I hope we all can make it through this. My W and I have faced many things in our lives, this is probably going to be the worst for both of us. I am going to try an find the book SAA. I read part of it in a book store Monday night. The story about Greg, Jon, and I don't remember the woman's name, is where we are. There is such an emotional bond here I feel like I am trying to knock down a wall. If I do knock it down it is going to fall on all of us. I am going to get through this and so is my W. We are strong and we are going to make it. I have to keep this attitude to do it. Thanks all....

Dazed, you are right. <P>Lost in Love if you need to talk to me about anything I am righ here on this board. I will help you any way I can but Iam not very good at this either.<P>Our two families got together last night. That is why total no contact is going to be hard. She took one look at me and I kind of looked down and she broke down. Right in front of everyone. I had to get up and leave and she followed. I told her this is going to kill us both. I am afraid it is.

rodadie and lost_in_love,<P>You are both in very difficult and painful situations. I know because I've been there and I'm a little ahead of you (no contact for over 8 weeks now), but definitiely not out of the valley yet. As NoMas once said, the descent into the valley is easy, but climbing back out is not. <P>How do you find the strength to say good-bye? In my own case it was only by the grace of God and my own heart just so hurting from it all that I knew I had to do the right thing, no matter how painful. We all have different situations as to the specifics of why we got into it, what kind of void it was filling... For me the pain of being in it (guilt, deceit) began to become greater than the "pleasures". Seems like you both might be getting to that point too, so that is good. If you are on these boards looking for answers - that is an indicator you are wanting to turn from it and do what is right. Keep reading, keep seeking support here. <P>I wish I had more wise words to write. It is hard, I'm still feeling hurt/loss/consequences of this also. It is a long road ahead, but get started on the right road. That is the beginning. After that it is one step in front of the other, staying on the course. Try to find support from a few others who understand - that has been so helpful for me.<P>Read some of the old threads also (some from last Fall that are helpful - others who were where you are now). I find it helpful to read about others who are ahead of me - like a light urging you on through the dark. <P>I am praying for you both.

Having been on both sides of the betrayal fence, all I can say is "No contact, no contact, no contact, no contact, no contact" then, as the withdrawal eases, "no contact, no contact, no contact, no contact".<P>If you want your marriage it is the only path to that outcome, the only way to be sure the affair doesn't flare up again. And stay away from new, sympathetic, opposite sex friends--because there are new "soulmates" just waiting around the corner.<P>And never worry more about hurting the Op than you worry about hurting your spouse. A WS DEVASTATES their spouse.<P>Finding the strength? The WS found the way to blindly hurt their spouse (don't forget I'm talking about me as well), I think the capability exists to brutally shut off the OP in the interests of the marriage. The OP is not an innocent victim, they knew you were married, they either didn't care or they took a chance on "falling for you" because you were "so close" to divorce.<P>Sorry, guys, I won't feed into the "romance" or "being swept away" of the affair. <P>If you want your marriage, the OP has to be put out of your thoughts, and you have to be strong enough to do it. You just have to.<P><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

Lost in Love<P>I to am the betrayer. I ended it immediatly. I just picked up the phone and called him told him this is the way it is. IT IS OVER!!! I have to rebuild this marriage that I have now destroyed. I have told H about it. I will try to keep it from your wife. H isnt going to bother you or your wife. I wish you the best...<P>Be abrupt and to the point. I suggest a no contact letter as well. I am having a very hard time right now becasue he got off scott free. I have been through hell. His life has been peaches and cream. They are doing GREAT!!! <BR>I think you may get closure that way. with the letter that is.<P>I strongly suggest that you end this thing NOW!!! Tell H about it. I know it is a hard decision to make. Look at it this way. What have you got to lose??? You marriage is on the rocks anyway. If H doesnt want you then it isnt mean to be. That rarely happens though.. I told all except the sex thing. I could not tell H about that. I had hurt him anough.<P>You cannot get through withdrawal without H support. You haven met hell yet. Wait until withdrawal. Yours may be easier. It sounds like your affair is dying a natural death anyway.<P>Best to you LIL<BR>Renee<P>You may email me at Rpstyle@aol.com<P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

Hi, lost in love. I decided to end the affair because of all of the pain it was causing, both to me (all sorts of physical problems healthwise) and my family. Once that decision was made, I just needed to get out of where I was working (I could not stand the daily reminder of seeing him).<P>Once you separate yourself from that situation (stop seeing the OP) it gradually gets better. I actually went through withdrawal while I still was working with the OM, and by the time I quit, I was basically over it already. I know it's different with everyone, but the closure does come, but with some it's just later. <P>I know I could not have been able to look clearly at my situation had there been contact with the OM. I really had to distance myself, and can completely agree with Dr. Harley that contact needs to be severed completely. If there are betrayers out there who can still be in contact with the OP and work on their marriage, I can say I'm amazed. Because I know there is NO WAY I could have, I know it just would not have been possible otherwise. There was a clarity I developed after several months of no contact with the OM I hadn't had in a very long time. It was if I was able to see finally all of the hurt and pain I caused to my family not to mention the destruction to myself. To answer your question about the severing contact, I had received several calls from the OM and I told him that I no longer wanted for him to call, I wanted to work on my marriage. I also sent a letter to him that said I did NOT want to talk to him again. He still called after that, and I stopped answering the phone after I told him this (thanks to caller ID). My H doesn't care too much how I handled it, he was too hurt about the affair to care how it ended. <P>I think you are taking a very big and positive step in ending this relationship. Of course, when you care about someone it hurts to end it. I think you should be proud of yourself for doing this, you're definitely doing the right thing. <P>I have to ask, do you plan on telling your H about the affair? Have you already?<p>[This message has been edited by Connor (edited August 13, 2000).]

I want to thank all of you who have responded. I, too, feel that I have taken a very important step in deciding that I need to end the A. Gathering the courage to do it is another thing altogether, though. One thing I do want to say is that my H knows about the OM. He has known for sure since May, but suspected before that. <P>H and I took a big step in recovering what we lost in our marriage yesterday. We went to church. This may not seem like a big deal, but to us, believe me, it was. The only times we have been to church (together or otherwise) in the last five years was our wedding and a couple of Christmas Eve services. We are not religious people at all. We almost thought the walls would cave in when we got there. We both agree that we need to surround ourselves with good people and try to connect with God in some way. I feel that was a good start. We have plans to go again next week.<P>Dazed and Confused - thanks for the reprimand. <sigh> I see your point, but my intention wasn't anything more than to try and be there for someone else who is hurting. The sermon yesterday in church was, appropriately, What is my life objective? One of the points the pastor stressed was that EVERYthing is part of God's purpose, the good AND the bad in our lives. He said that there is a lot of bad out there, but that we can take our hurts and use them to help others who have those same hurts. <P>I had no intention of crossing any line, believe me!<P>Thanks to everyone for your support and advice.

Hello guys, Thanks from all of you for being here and helping me and Lost in love. I know I kind of attached myself to her post but I felt common ground here and needed some support. Some of the things I say here are very hard for me. The no contact rule is going to be very difficult all things considered. Our Faimilies are close friends. Thw OW in my case is the W of my W's first cousin. I know I am going to get flamed for that one. <P>We have been friends for the past 8 years or so. I have a great marriage and so does she. Now tell me why I got into this mess. Most of the people close to us have always thought when they saw Jen and myself together that we were just that, friends. That was true. We crossed the line one day about 5 months ago and our relationship turned physical. It happened twice before we sat down one day and asked ourselves if that is what we wanted. Both agreed that a physical relationship was out of the question and since then that has not been an issue again. That contact has left me void inside because I feel like I have done my W a great injustice. I have betrayed my marriage and my family. I think it just finally got to me.<P>My W and I are totally happy together and she has not suspected anything happened. Now my question, do I chance losing the only woman I really love and tell her everything, or do I put this behind me and die with this secret. The OW does not want to tell her H. This past weekend we put and end to the close friendship we once had. I know I am taking this better than she is but I am trying to think of my W here and how she would feel if she knew. This is difficult. I feel like I am trying to break a drug habbit. I have been sick and slept most of the weekend. Please just keep talking to me and I am sure I will find my way here. I love my wife and I don't want her hurt. If I tell her that beautiful smile that I am so used to seeing will go away and I am afraid I will lose her. Just give me support and advice here. <P>To lost_in_love. Way to go girl. Now I know you are making the right choice. I would have been glad to help you but considering the mess we are both in I want to keep everything open and honest. I hope you understand that.