My Husband just the other day saw the OM's wife and son at the grocery store. The affair has been over for 2 years now, and I can say we have a stronger marriage than ever, yet this really bothered my H (reminders). Do you think that the OP's spouse should be told, or that it's up to their spouse to tell them? This is what my H is struggling with. He believes that she should know what he's done, and I do as well, but I'm not so sure it should be someone (stranger) outside the marriage to tell it.<BR> My H and I now go through weeks at a time where we actually do not think of what's happened (aka affair), but we live in close proximity to the OM and this is something I was afraid would happen. <P>This is just something recently that reminds me of the fact that an affair will have long term repurcussions. <P>

A similar thread was posted recently somewhere else. The general consensus was that the spouse would probably find out on their own and one should not tell them.

Conner,<BR> <BR>If it were all new I would say yeah tell her. People on here say not to tell. i am having a hard time dealing with the fact that OM got off scott-free. So now I wish I would have told. I also see that in many other betrayers. I would say let it lay now. Does anyone else know? I must admit that I break my neck to tell people if I think they know him. I want the worst for him. Were you that way?<P>Just curious. See my new thread.<P>Prayers<BR>Renee<P>How long did it take to get over OM???<P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

Three months after d-day I did tell my H's OW's husband in a letter. My husband told me on d-day that whatever I wanted to do that he would support me. For those 3 months I was in torment as to my responsibility. I prayed and prayed about it. I sent the letter to the man and my H blew up! They were seeing each other again-I didn't know. Her H called me and told me he had known about the A for a year. I couldn't believe it! Why didn't he call me? Anyway, because of that conversation, he, I and my H learned that my H wasn't the only one but one of many. Boy did that put a crimp in my H's drawers! I now look back on that and see that it revealed what a truly piece of trash she is. My H would have spent more time and money on her thinking she was a wonderful person. Her H has now left her, her boss that she fooled around with to get and keep her job has left, her employees hate her, she's about to lose her job and her son (6 years old) is in bad shape and under a doctors care. <P>Don't inform the spouse unless you spend much time on it in prayer-make sure it's the right thing to do. I was told after I sent the letter that it was wrong. That really, really bothered me as I felt that it was what the Lord wanted me to do. In the end, we now see it's purpose. I'll never truly know if was the right thing to do because by the time I get to Heaven I won't care. Examine yourself and make sure it's not just for revenge because that's not our responsibility.

Yes, do look at InAMess's thread--I wrote something to her about this.<P>Don't tell the OP spouse if it is just a retaliation thing, bottom line. You are just hurting people.<P>There is a proverb: A snake bites you, and instead of running away and getting help for your wound, you kill the snake, and in your efforts, you die along with the snake from the poison.<P>Am Hurt--it worked for you, in your case! That is a very interesting twist.<P>I think that you should pray about something like this, and do what you feel is just, not what you feel would destroy the other person and their lives just to make you feel better.<p>[This message has been edited by Bernzini (edited August 14, 2000).]

Thanks, all for the replies.<P>Let me just say, this is NOT a retaliation thing. I've never felt as if I wanted revenge, I just feel sick about what I did. And yes, I did feel anger at his contribution to the affair, but I just want that chapter put behind me. I think my re-hashing here what happened is doing more bad than good, but the other day when my husband came back from the store and told me about seeing the OM's wife, he said that he thought it only fair that she should know. That's why I wanted to see what others here thought that were in the same boat. I honestly want the OM's wife not to be broadsided down the road by something similar happening because the problems that were there before (obviously) were not fixed, because she had no knowledge of the affair. But that's not really any of my business. To hear how he told it (and we all know there is no deceit in an affair, right?) she was a horrible person that treated him borderline abusively. When I met her, I could see this wasn't the case. Meeting her at a function was one of the reasons that lead me to break contact with the OM. My H is not going to tell her, he told me this last night. I believe it's best to leave this behind. Hopefully, they will work through these past issues without outside intervention.<P>Renee, no one else knows. Only My H and I and the OM. I didn't tell anyone about this, to be honest I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die after it happened. Went through a lot of physical and emotional problems. The withdrawal from the OM pretty much was over by the time I left my job (we worked together). Maybe that in itself was a blessing, I keep on hearing so much about withdrawal, but I never really went through it. <P>We were friends for about a year before any feelings developed, and then the affair lasted about a year and a half. I never saw him after I left my job, although I did send a letter asking him not to contact me, and he phoned me afterward and I told him again.

Connor:<P>From a moral point of view, there are pros and cons to the situation of telling the wife of an adulterous spouse.<P>However, from YOUR position, what is important is how you and your husband decide to deal with this. It seems that you're both close to a POJA deal to tell the wife of the OM. If you can both enthusiastically agree on the details, then I would suggest that you do so. I think your motivations here are good.<P>There's no telling how it will end up. But I'm usually in favor of knowing the devil I'm up against, rather than being ignorant of it.

I dunno.... <P>While I'm usually in K's camp on things , in this case I'm more inclined toward letting sleeping dogs lie - primarily because you & your H both have such a huge personal involvement in this. I'm not sure a "pure" decision can be made here. Secondly, having the info come from either you or H to the wife....ewwwwwww, major ugliness is sure to follow!!<P>If I knew for certain that a friend of mine was being cheated on, yes, I think I'd tell. I do believe the offended spouse has a right to know what's going on (but only if the info is CERTAIN). In your case, the info isn't exactly coming from a "friend"! <P>Last but not least - and I think this may be the main source of my difference of opinion from K - as a former betrayer, I know that I went through a period of major anger toward my OM. This is a stage in the healing process, *but* do recognize that in order to feel this anger & resentment toward OM, he (or "it", meaning the affair) still has a hold on you. You (& H) are still emotionally invested in what is going on in his life.<P>You know what? Eventually you won't care any more (promise!). The resentment will pass. Then you will *finally* be healed. <P>So the question is: Do you feel qualified to make this very important decision right now, in the midst of this angry stage of your healing? Or do you think you might regret it later, realizing with hindsight that it was motivated by your resentment, rather than 'altruism' toward the poor wife?<P>Food for thought from a gal who's been through it! Another prespective to consider, anyway.<P>Good luck with everything, Connor & H. Sounds like you're doing great as a couple. Let the rest go...<P>------------------<BR>~suse~<BR>Rome wasn't built in a day.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by suse (edited August 14, 2000).]

Bringing back up...

.<p>[This message has been edited by ohmy_marie (edited August 17, 2000).]

Thanks Suse and K, both of you always have great suggestions.<P>I have to agree with the both of you. Like K said, it's better to know the devil you're up against. But on the other hand, it could be an extremely messy situation if we decided to confront her.<P>Suse, I'm no longer angry with the OM, I haven't been in a long while (years). I got over that anger for him before I even stopped contact, I was really too messed up emotionally regarding my own marriage and how I could have ruined it, and that was formost on my mind. I don't have resentment (honest!), my main concern for these last several years has been trying to improve my marriage and find out why in the first place I had an affair, which I have. When I said I DID have anger, I did, but I DON'T anymore (toward OM). The anger I hold whenever I think about it is toward myself for allowing it to happen (and I don't try to dwell on this).<P>I didn't mean for this question or my intentions to be misinterpreted. This started because of my husband's questioning when he saw the OM's wife. I understand his position, but I think (like I said in the previous post) that this will be up to them to work out. Sometimes a trigger like this will spurn questions (in this case being my husband's trigger), and I just wanted to get a feel for what others thought. <P>Thanks again.<BR>

OhMyMarie, I think you have taken my question completely out of context.<P>My intentions here were only good, and I thought I had stated that before. I guess it's hard for others (and I was betrayed as well) to understand that a former WS can have feelings. I did not want to become the OM's wife's, "Friend". <P>Believe me, I'm not going to post a question here again.

I am the betrayed boyfriend. Two days after my girlfriend told me about the affair with her coworker (married with 3 children). I called and left him a message to return my phone call. Of course he knew why I called, what a little s***. Not man enough to call me and talk. All I wanted was his apology but he decided to ignore my call. This infuriated me to a point I called his wife and told her the whole story. <P>Long story short, he apologized many times and he was going to work on his marriage. I told him to never to call my girlfriend again and he responded yes to my request. <P>Looking back on it I don't regret it. His apology actually help me to move on. I believe his wife needed to know who she is married to, she should not have to live a deceptive life being married to some trash like him. I feel good that by me confronting him it did two things. Let him know that I love my GF and was not going to set back and let him ruin our lives. Let him confirm himself for his actions and how that impacts him and his family. He needed to take responsibility for his actions. Only a coward will hide this from his spouse. Again this is only my point of view. My therepist thinks I should have not called him. I still disagree, I needed to show him where I stand with the whole situation. I however do agree that I wanted to hurt him as well and wanted to make sure I heard it from him that the affair is over between him and my GF.<P>God Bless.. Stay Strong

Dear Connor:<P>I'm sorry my post made you feel uncomfortable and/or offended you. Infidelity isn't pretty from any angle.<P>The purpose of my original post was to illustrate that your question is <B>NEVER</B> an easy one to answer. It was <B>INTENDED</B> to ruffle some feathers...to get people to consider the consequences of their actions...to think BEYOND themselves.<P>And, honestly, I don't believe it's kind/fair/considerate of anyone to only think of how this decision would affect THEM. In fact, I believe before making ANY decision, a person should consider the effects his/her actions may have on another. <P>If I were in your shoes, debating whether or not to tell, I couldn't just simply look at the situation from what I NEEDED or how it would affect and/or benefit me personally. If it were that simple, if each of us only had to think of ourselves, and what we needed, than the answer to your question would be quite simple: TELL. Who cares what the consequences are for anyone else? ...let's all just throw caution to the wind.<P>I was attempting to "attack" your question from all possible angles... to shed light on how telling <B><I>could possibly</B></I> affect you AND OTHERS. Nothing more, nothing less.<P>~Marie<p>[This message has been edited by ohmy_marie (edited August 15, 2000).]