Yes I did plan A and where did it get me? It got me into more turmoil. I can't say it didn't work but it was still only onesided. I could plan A and my H would think things were just fine here, which is what happened. But that didn't get him to start opening up to the fact that I have needs to be met too. (Reminder he wouldn't even look at the EN questionnaire or this site.)<P>I could give into his need for sex and make it seem like everything is just fine on the surface but that is still going to leave me with the hurt from being accused and all the feeling of being in this marriage(partnership) alone. It will also bring up feelings of being used and still feeling like a slave. Its not going to change the workaholic in him. I will still have to deal with the kids and all the problems of raising two teens by myself. I will still have to deal with all the house issues(outside and inside work) and bills by myself(well financially he takes care of the bills but thats about all). I can't even talk to him about my D's counseling sessions because thats something he won't discuss at all. <P>These are the things I have said to him before and he still doesn't see it. I still say that if only one person in a marriage truly wants to work on it that plan A is not going to work. So why should I plan A? <P>I know plan A also has to do with making me a better person, but let me tell you it is making me feel a lot worse. I'm really starting to shut down my feelings all together just so I don't LB. I am begining to feel like a zombie. There is nothing left in my lovebank right about now and I don't think things will improve in that area. Yes I could fill his up too the top but where is that going to leave me? EMPTY!<P>This may very well be my last post here(haven't really posted too much lately anyway). I might keep lurking but I honestly don't know where that will get me at this point. <P>Thanks to all who had imput in my situation and to keystone for telling me to keep my chin up!<P>falsely accused<p>[This message has been edited by falsely accused (edited August 14, 2000).]

{{{{{falsely accused}}}}},<P>I'm sorry where you've come too...<P>Plan A can't be done perfectly by anyone...<BR>...we are all human!<P>How much you get out of it is as much as you can put into it.<P>Ask yourself if you haven't grown by developing your realtionship skills...<BR>...to have learned what it means to "care for"<BR>...to have learned what it means to "protect"<BR>...<B>these</B> are the keys to Plan A.<P>Maybe you didn't get too far on apply th POJA...<BR>Maybe rules of <B>honesty</B> and <B>time</B> never got fully applied!<P>It's OK...<BR>...you worked on yourself... and you have taken some good steps... NO?...<P>Look at your glass a more than half-full!<P>If it is time...<BR>...go to Plan B!<P>Consider a 'checkup" with Steve or Jennifer Harley.<P>We'll still be here for you!<BR>Plan B is tough too...<BR>...we'll help!<P> <P>Jim

Falsely Accused -<P>I really feel bad for you. You know, I read your post and it got me kind of stirred up. I am a WS, but it really irks me that some WSs just don't wake up. I know BSs want to take a bat and hit them over the head - and sometimes, I feel the same way (about WSs).<P>I don't know if it's because I'm a woman or what, but I think the WS needs to step up to the plate and take some swings. I think it's ridiculous to put all of the responsibility on the BSs to "meet my needs so I don't stray." I know the theory about Plan A and it's focus - but, I just wish more WSs would accept their share of responsibility in the marriage to "meet needs."<P>I guess I just wanted to say that I can sympathsize with you - even though I'm on the opposite side of this ugly mess. Please don't let this be your last post . . .Your message served as a reminder to me, that I, too (as a WS) have a responsibility to my H to meet his needs. It shouldn't even be a responsibility - it should be something I want to do.

<B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I am begining to feel like a zombie. There is nothing left in my lovebank right about now and I don't think things will improve in that area. Yes I could fill his up too the top but where is that going to leave me? EMPTY!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I know EXACTLY how you feel. As time goes on, I do see how Plan A has helped to make me a better person overall. However, better for who...for what? Whoop-de-do, so I'm a better person! I feel like a zombie. I have absolutely no future as far as I can see. Everything I've ever dreamed about for my future was ripped away in this mess. I am just going thru the motions of living most days. And as time goes on, things have acutally seemed worse to me....my breakdowns (waking up in the middle of the night just bawling from my gut) are coming more frequently and my thoughts of just making the pain go away for good are becoming more rational and realistic. <P>Now my H is all cozy, living with the OW and thinking he can just call me whenever and we can still be best friends. Plan A...Plan B....it's all the same at this point!<P>I know God says He has a hope and future for me...but that's what I've believed all my life....ever since I was a kid, I had a relationship with God and never strayed very far at all from walking with Him. And for what purpose? So that my hopes and dreams can come true then be ripped away! Is THAT God's plan for me? Well, no thanks. I don't mean to be irreverant here, but that sucks!<P>Where is He in all of this??? How many people....Christian believers....have gone thru this and ended up divorced? What happened to THEIR belief that God was in control...is that what He wanted for them? Why should I think God is going to act in my situation when He didn't in theirs? <P>I'm sorry I'm ranting now. I'm am just soooo totally discouraged. I feel like George Bailey in "It's a Wonderful Life" but knowing that there isn't going to be a Clarence coming to help me.<P>I have no feelings left about anything anymore. I don't know if I love my H...or even HOW I feel about him...I just have no feelings. I'm still Plan Aing....but it doesn't seem to have any purpose anymore...it's just a way to get thru the day with a pleasant front.<P>I probably didn't help you, falsely accused, but I can relate to part of what you are feeling.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Mrs.O (edited August 15, 2000).]

FA --<P>What more needs to be said...? We've related so much after all these months. Today, I actually took off my wedding ring for the first time. Surprisingly it doesn't feel that strange. Secretly, I'd hoped it would.<P>One thing that I think has happened is that you have grown as a person. You know yourself better now. Your limits. Your real wants, needs, and dreams.<P>I agree. Plan A, Plan B... You need two people to share in the responsiblity of repairing the marriage. One cannot do it alone. And, like you, I've grown bitter from seemingly trying to go at it alone. <P>Despite the rollercoaster, I do feel stronger. Again, I know my limits now. I'm healthier, although I don't always feel that way through al the depression. But, I'm less dependant, less willing to "roll over" now.<P>If my marriage continues-- and I don't think it will -- I'll be stronger, more wary, and more willing to be a participant instead of an observer. I'd be more assertive. I'd remember that the core of our existance cannot be shuttled down a list of priorities after trivial matters.<P>And, life goes on. And, important note there... LIFE GOES ON.<P>My kids need me. Your kids need you. You need them, too. Don't ever forget that. You've done a great job of reminding me of that fact, too!<P>But, I still believe in God. I don't always know what He has in the cards for me, but in the end, I'm sure there's a reason. Of course, the headaches, the heartaches, the ulcers -- they just make the journey a little more exciting.<P>FA, whatever you do, do so from a position of strength. You know who you are. Be true to yourself. If you walk away, only you know if you've made the effort. You don't want to be reflecting on this time years from now, only to realize that you missed one last opportunity.<P>It sounds like I'm trying to convince myself as much as I am you. It's true. There's even the teeniest hope, but I have to "play it out". Until there is absolutely no hope at all, I cannot commit to an end of the marriage. <P>I don't want to ge considered a quiter, and I know you don't either. We're tired. We're angry. We've got no more fight left in us. But there's strength in numbers, and the numbers are her at the MB website.<P>I know you may not post again, just lurk. I don't know what I'm gonna do, either. But whatever happens, only you know your limits and whether you've got anything left to give.<P>Yes, CHIN UP!<P>--keystone<P>P.S. I'm going home from the office now. Not to see my W, but to see my KIDS!

I guess I didn't expect that many replies on this thread. Its late here on the east coast but I couldn't sleep so I came on thinking I would just lurk. <P>I have never been one to make waves or complain, just kind of took everything as it came in this marriage. I knew from very far back that this wasn't a true partnership in the sense that it should have been when all he cared about was his work. But it really hit home as my D reached her teen years and all the sh*t hit the fan(I was trying to put that differently but it didn't make sense) with her and the troubles began. Thats when I realized that I am really in this all alone. Yes H says hes here to support me in any decision I make( I still can't believe that one!). But what happened to being partners. <P>As I sit here and type this I wonder where the man is that I need once in a while around here(and thats not meant sexually). I'm sitting here right now with a broken toe and have been for the last week. Whos shuttling the girls around? Me. Whos out there mowing the lawn? Me. Who's doing everything I can possibly do to make his life easier? Me. I'm tired and in pain!! Does he ever think that just maybe I need a little quiet time for myself? No, and that is something I have mentioned repeatedly(and nicely I might add) to him. <P>Sorry I didn't mean to go off on another vent here.<P>Jim,<BR>We didn't get to far with the POJA. He only sees and hears what he wants to see and hear. Most things I have discussed with him have gone in one ear and right back out the other. He is a very stubborn man and he will tell you that himself. The honesty was there (finally) on my part but he never let me into see what he was honestly feeling. This is the stubborn side of him I can not break through.<P>When I told him I was in contact with my old HS friend he said good that my friend was a person who deals with people all the time and what better person to discuss D's issues with. So I guess in a sense he got out of dealing with because he didn't want to deal with it. I honestly don't think he got what I was saying to him at all about how that was a need of mine no matter how blunt I was to him. <P>I have put an extreme amount into this marriage, more then a lot women out there, but there comes a time when you need to have something in return. <P>Yes I have grown from being involved with this site and the Plan A. I know what it means to "care for" and "protect". <P>I also know the way I could have been headed if it wasn't for this site. And for that I thank all the people here. When needs are not being met and someone else comes along and starts to meet them it is a very dangerous road. I honestly think I have done a good job keeping the two things separate. Thank God for that!<P>Thanks for your words. I will remember them. And I wish you the best in your situation which I have followed. <P>SKM,<P>Your not really on the oppsite end of this then me. I could have very well been another WS. I just didn't let it happen. I saw what was becoming of an EA and stopped it before it ever really happened. <P>I think the thing is with me is I have always met my H's needs( and he would probably tell you that himself) and I got caught up in feeling "Hey what about me?" all this after 19 years. <P>I do think that when there is a betrayal that both people should be meeting each others needs that it can't work only onesided. That is the one thing I just can't seee eye to eye with on this site. I see so many couples who only have one side working on the needs. It makes it extremely hard. <P>Wishing you the best.<P>Mrs.O,<P>Your first and last paragraphs say it all. Thats exactly what I have been feeling lately. As long as I make it through each day and I am alive I guess thats all that matters. I have no choice but to be there for my girls. I will admit I'm still in Plan A too just because I don't want to fight. Like you I'm just plain ole tired of living like this. <P>Take care and good luck in your situation. <P>Hey keystone ! <P>I see you came out of lurkdome for this one! LOL <P>I hear ya about the wedding ring thing. I've been wanting to get a thumb ring and when I took the girls school shopping today I saw one and D#1 said get it. I thought to myself not a good idea being I still don't wear my other rings. <P>Your right about me growing as a person. I definately have and I do know now what I want out of life. I just don't know how long it will take me to finally get there. Like you I always think that there is a glimmer of hope. Hey thats why I'm still here! <P>My kids are what keep me going and I will never in my life time not let their need for me become less then what it is. I will always be here for them. Even though things are really rough with D#1 and the counseling I continue to take her and talk to the counselors about what is going on with her. I hear its natural for teens to rebel once they start counseling and boy is she ever rebeling! But I feel it will get better. <P>I'm glad to hear your getting stronger and feeling more human again. I think we all need that. Yes the depression will get to us every now and then but I think we are better able to cope with it now. <P>"I don't want to ge considered a quiter, and I know you don't either. We're tired. We're angry. We've got no more fight left in us." <P>That quote above from you says about everything in a nut shell. <BR> <BR>PS.by the way a little medical update: my cyst has returned(I noticed it about 3 1/2 weeks ago) and I am thinking about moving up the next ultrasound appointment from Oct. to Sept. when the girls go back to school. No one here knows about it right now, but I did want to let you know. I'll keep you posted on this. <P>Best of luck to you! And I'm gonna steal your saying "Chin Up!" <P>falsely accused<P>I don't know if I will be leaving here all together. There are too many people here with words of wisdom. Thanks to you all. I'll be lurking for a while and who knows maybe you'll see me post again soon. <P><p>[This message has been edited by falsely accused (edited August 16, 2000).]