I just have to get some feedback on this. My H told me last night that OW is definitely headed towards calling it off. They are to have lunch on Friday. She is deciding that her kids are more important and it would be too disruptive to break up her marriage. It in no way reflects on her feelings for her H, which remain negative.<P>This conversation started a night of no sleep and much emotion. I have been close to the end of my rope as it is. He has clearly stated that his preference is to be with her, but he feels guilty about it. He has remained at home with me trying to plan A. <P>He has been seeing a counselor for his depression and has started Paxil, but is only on the third day. His counselor has said she thinks he should wait to do marriage counseling, because he has so many changes right now--starting antidepressant, OW probably calling it off. He says he will try to work on our marriage, but I can tell he doesn't expect much. He will continue to work with OW as they are both tenured faculty in a department of only about 10. <P> I thought that sex was the main issue. Last night however, he said he thought we had to work on other stuff first. I said like what in particular. He was hesitant to discuss it (he vehemently disagress with Harley's total honesty, and I must admit I have a tendency to get upset as I did last night). He said my lack of ambition was a problem for him. Now this came out of left field for me and was very hurtful. I have never had a great deal of ambition, so I was like this when we married. I worked before we had children, but my job was always secondary to his. We moved for his etc... I didn't resent that because I felt that his career was more important. I always knew I wanted to have children and stay home with them. I'm intelligent and well educated, but just not career oriented. After 8 years of marriage our son was born and I became a full time mom. I have been pursuing a master's in education with certification and am to do my student teaching this fall. I enjoy it, but I'm still not passionate about it. I would prefer to work part-time and be home some with our son. However, for the money I am willing to work full-time next year. My question is, is my lack of ambition a reasonable complaint on his part? He never mentioned it before. He never complained about money or me staying home. Where would this fit in his emotional needs? If it's money fine, but it seems to be some kind of disapproval on his part for my emotional make-up. This lack of ambition has become a character flaw. I don't think I can change that. I can work, but I can't become ambitious just because he wants it. <P>Most of the other things he's mentioned seemed fixable: improved sex life, more admiration from me, more recreational companionship, but now this has me scared, and angry--it doesn't seem like a fair complaint. Plus, it seems like it will be difficult to fulfill all of his wants. Fitness is another area I'm lacking in. Again, I'm only a few pounds (maybe 5) and a baby away from when we married, but he has become much more obssessed with fitness. If I'm going to work full time (plus lots of night work being a teacher), add an exercise program which I don't currently do, join him in recreational activities more, travel, and have sex more often, something's going to have to give. I know I will feel horribly guilty leaving our son in after school care and will want to spend as much time with him as possible. I don't see how all of these things will fit into a day, not to mention my favorite recreational activities are reading and movies.<P>Anyway, I mostly just needed a place to express some of my thoughts. I'm wondering whether I really love my H any more or not. That he's had all of these feelings about me for a while (he says they all predate the affair), hurts me terribly.

MCMP,<BR>My H has said some of the same things to me. I am not sure if they really always bothered him or if part of it is justification and they pick on something that can't be easily changed just so they can say... see you can't meet my needs.<P>Maybe you can talk to him using POJA and see what is really important to him and what should take second place. I mean even he should be able to realze that you can't be superwoman.. a job, working out, somehow providing for your child and having energy to be a sex goddess everynight. I mean if he has found Ow who can do all that maybe he should go for her. Sorry for the sarcasm, but it seems they can set unreasonable standards and then if you can't meet them, oh well. Maybe you should talk about what his added responsiblities will be when you are working and see if he is going to be willing to do half of the household and child rearing?<P>I'm sorry this probably isn't very helpful, but just frustrated me to read your post. I wish you the best and hope you can come to some agreement that works for you both.<BR>Lora

I think the counselor is right, that he is not yet ready to work on the marriage until his depression gets under control & situation with OW stabilizes. Right now, he is probably pretty confused...depressed, in-withdrawal husbands say some darn weird stuff. He may or may not feel this wa after he gets "clearer headed."<P>Give it a bit of time and see...<P>Kathi

Kathi and Lora,<P>Thanks for the replies. Intellectually I know all the stuff you've said. I know that if he's depressed and still in withdrawal (or semi-withdrawal) from OW, I can't take too much of what he says to heart. And he knows some of it is unreasonable--he admitted as much after talking about my ambition. But it is what he feels, at least right now.<P>I am going to go see a counselor tomorrow. I hope I connect with her and she can help. I do suffer from low self esteem I think, and I've never really known what I want to do with my life. If money weren't an object, I feel like I do know what I'd like to do. I'd like to volunteer at my son's school and my church and be a stay-at-home mom. But money is an issue, so I have to think about contributing to our income. I have to confess to acquiring an unhealthy need to buy a lottery ticket every week since this has happened. I feel like if I didn't have to worry about money, it would free me up to work on everything else. Of course, most of the rest of the world feels this way too.<P>This "give it time" thing is so much easier said than done. But I don't like the alternative either... Wish me luck in connecting with the counselor tomorrow. I hope she can be of some help to me. <P>Molly<BR>