I talked to OM today for a long time. I called him. he was very receptive to the call. I asked why he didnt try to contact me and he told me he didnt want to start any ****. <BR>I asked how it was going. He said same ol same ol...<P>Where do I go from here. I really dont thin k taht I want him or H.<P>I just want be to feel like a person.<P>NEED PRAYERS<P><P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

Renee,<P>I won't lecture you. I know that you know that you shouldn't have called. But I do understand where you're coming from. I feel the same way many times.<P>But now, you have created another problem by opening the door to the OM. what wil you do if he DOES call you? Do you really want something to start yup with him again? If not, then I suggest you write the no-contact letter. Start out by apologizing for calling him, that it was a mistake, and that it would be best if the two of you had no further contact.<P>Give it SEVERAL MONTHS (if not a year) of no contact before making any major decisioins about your marriage. Are you in counseling now? I'm sorry I can't remember. If not, get into counseling to help you get past this period. Since you had contact, you're back at square one in withdrawal.<P>What I think would help with this is if there was some kind of toll-free adultery hotline. Someplace you can call and say "I want to contact him." and there would be a live person there to talk you through it. MB is great, but it's not the same as a real-time live conversation. You can get weak while waiting for a reply.<P>Renee, is there someone you can confide in and talk to about this so that when you feel weak you can get that kind of help? <P>How are things with your husband? I'm guessing you're feeling distant from him and I bet part of that is because of the thoughts you've been having about the OM. You feel guilty about those thoughts and feel aneed to distance yourself from your husband in order to distance yourself from the guilt. I know that I have done this. I also know that it makes you feel worse. Now more than ever you need to be close to people, to connect with someone. Find someone (NOT the OM) who you feel you can trust, that you can get close to - preferably your H. But if not, then at least a friend, relative, church member,... (NOT of the opposite sex).<P>Darn. I said I wasn't going to lecture you, but I think I just did. Sorry about that.<P>My thoughts and prayers are with you.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by TruthSeeker (edited August 15, 2000).]

Inamess -<P>You're inamess, now!! LOL!! Just kidding. I want to "ditto" Truthseeker's comments.<P>You know all that anger you felt towards the OM - was it really anger and hatred? Are you really "over" him? Your mind says yes, but your heart says no, right? Even though he's a creep, you still want to talk to him, to see how he's doing, right?<P>Well, I hate to say it, but you cannot live your life like that. You have to choose to be with the OM or choose to be with your H. You cannot have your cake and eat it too. Sorry, I haven't had my coffee yet this morning, I don't want to lecture you.<P>But, If you are going to make your marriage work, you absolutely cannot contact the OM. When the OM calls you, hang up! When you feel the urge to call the OM - go for a walk, grab a soda, post a new thread on this site - do anything to take your mid off of the OM.<P>For me, after I sent the no contact letter, I didn't contact the OM for two months. It was very difficult. I thought about him everyday, would write draft emails - but would never send them. Then, one day, out of the blue - he called me. I was happy that he called (because I didn't contact him, right, he called me), but after I got off of the phone with him, I never really told him not to call again. So that began I whole stream of emails - I continued to reaffirm that my H and I were trying to work things out - but he actually wanted me to "come and see his hotel room." Anyway, I blew him off, but the contact was eating me alive - I didn't tell my H that he had called, etc. . .<P>Finally, I told my H what was going on. My H even said that if I thought I could just be friends with him - he could live with that. Anyway, needless to say - that could never work out. . .I knew it would hurt my H and the OM just WASN"T WORTH IT!!<P>So, the next time the OM called me, I was in a bit of a panic - I didn't have the guts to say don't contact me, I mean it this time. Fortunately, as luck would have it, I had to put him on hold and he hung up on me. I haven't talked to him since. That was 1 1/2 months ago. Isn't it funny how I keep track of the days - but it is like an alcoholic - that's the last time I took a drink from the affair - 1 1/2 months ago.<P>You can do the no contact - if you want to. There are plenty of people on this site who have successfully done it, and are in far more serious relationships than I was in with the OM.<P>But the things is, you take one minute at a time, until you're up to an hour. Then you take one hour at a time, until you're up to a day without contact. Then you take one day at a time, until you're up to one week. Then you take one week at a time, until you're up to one month. Then you take one month at a time, until you're up to a year. Then you take one year at a time . . .You get the picture . . . <P>Anyway, it's really hard. You know this guy is a loser - so who would you rather hurt, your H or the OM? When I had my OM Contact crisis, I posted a thread titled "HELP." I don't know how to do the fance links, but a bunch of people gave me some good advice on that thread. It's worth the effort, if you do a search on my username SKM and then look for the help post - gauranteed, it'll change your outlook on no contact. It really is necessary.<P>Now, you know I was just sitting here shaking my head "no" when you said you called him. I wish I had a marshmallow to throw at you - that's what we used to do when we were kids, throw marshmallows at someone when they messed up. Maybe I had too many marshmallows thrown at me, or something, but you can get through this.<P>Break contact . . .If you're like me, you won't regret it . . .<P>Put it this way, if he is saying "same ol same ol" - that's the line I gave the OM when he asked me how things were going. I was afraid to tell him the truth - that my H and I are working things out. Maybe he's trying to work on his marriage - and he was trying the "no contact."<P>He's a cheeseball - cut him loose - love your H, work things out with him. You know, I never really see you post anything about your H - is he still in the picture? I sure would like to hear more about how he is handling this situation, and what you two are doing to get past this. Let me know what's going on . . .right now, I'm going to buy some cyber-marshmallows !

I am really confussed now...........<P>I think that this marriage is over. I try to kid myself about it. Is it becasue fo OM. Isa that why? My H is still here. Only physcally though. No sex and all that jazz. <P>Off here to get to work.<BR>Im so screwed up now. I want OM. But dont want to hurt H. If this is square one again in withdrawal. Then screw it!!!!!!<P>Prayers<BR>Renee

Dear Inamess,<P>I can only imagine the pain and anxiety and confusion you are feeling. My wife was the betraying spouse, so when I read your post, I thought of what she went through. It was terrible, and it lasted and lasted. I have never seen her as depressed as she was four months after her last contact with OM. Depressed enough that she got into in a very severe traffic accident. Thank God we were all right.<P>And then, following the depression, were four more months of terrible confusion, soul-searching and tension. Which culminated in a request for a divorce. <P>That only lasted one day, but it shook us both to the core. And she finally phoned OM again, and found that he wasn't what she had pictured him as all of those months. <P>We are drawing closer together every month now. A year after the affair ended, she told me that she hadn't thought that it would ever be possible, but that she loves me and respects me again. We aren't talking about fireworks and moonlit walks or anything, but I hope that it is the beginning of a real emotional connection.<P>And you are going through all that now, and the only way through it is pain and grief and soul-searching. From my own life, and from all that I have read this past year (I have been obsessed about books, letters and articles), I can guarantee one thing:<P>YOU WILL NEVER KNOW IF YOUR MARRIAGE COULD HAVE WORKED, OR IF YOU COULD HAVE RE-CONNECTED EMOTIONALLY WITH YOUR HUSBAND, IF YOU DON'T STAY TOGETHER AND WORK TOGETHER FOR MONTHS, MAYBE EVEN A YEAR, FOLLOWING THE POINT WHERE YOU STOP FOCUSING AND DREAMING ABOUT OM.<P>Of course, even if you do this, your marriage might not work out. But no one can assess their spouse or their marriage realistically while involved (even emotionally, even in withdrawal) with another person. And I don't think that anyone can realistically assess their OP based on an affair. Just my bias there as a betrayed spouse, but I would bet lots of money on it.<P>I feel like Winston Churchill here, "I have nothing to promise but blood, toil, sweat and tears" (or something like that). I have experienced it, and it is awful, and what my wife went through was terrible. But the alternatives you are contemplating are also terrible. There is no easy way out. But there is tremendous hope if you find the strength to stay the course. Hope either for a renewed and beautiful marriage, or for a respectful divorce, that was not caused by your relationship with OM.<P>both times that my wife called OM this past year, she told me shortly afterwards. And she didn't do it because she loved me then, but because she had promised that she would tell, and being honest was very important to her. Her honesty afterwards must have been difficult (she denies this, but I respect her effort tremendously) and gave me something to cling to in our relationship. I think that it gave her something to cling to as well, as she sought to understand who she was and what she really wanted to be and do in life.<P>Please, tell your husband about the phone call. You might eventually divorce, or you might find 6 months from now that you actually feel a deep love for him. But whatever your relationship with your husband turns out to be, let it be based on the truth. Tell him that you talked to OM. Tell him what you said. Tell him what you felt. And then just listen to him and try to understand his own feelings and response.<P>I am so sorry for what you are suffering now. But it isn't because your husband is wrong for you, or OM right for you. Those questions are, right now, unanswerable. You are suffering because you have been through tremendous emotional pain and loss, because you are re-evaluating who you are. And from your letters, it sounds like you have the courage to do this right. <P>Just give yourself the time you need as well.<P>May God bless you.<P>StillTrying.<P>Watch your thoughts, they become your words<BR>Watch your words, they become your actions<BR>Watch your actions, they become your habits<BR>Watch your habits, they become your character<BR>Watch your character, it becomes your destiny<P>—Rabbi Hillel.<BR>

Dear Renee -<P>If you truly want to rid yourself of OM forever, I feel that you need to get him out of your system by being in contact with him. <P>He eventually will screw up and do something that will cause you to grow disenchanted with him anyway.<P>Life is too short to be in this sort of constant agony over him. Some of these lunatics on here agonize for months and years unnecessarily. You don't want to eternally punish yourself for picking the wrong person to marry when you were only a young girl.<P>Eight months of your life have already been completely wasted being in misery. Is this really the way you want to live???

Still Trying - <P>Awesome post! I could have written the same thing - but as a WS. <P>Inamess - I am sorry that you are having these awful feelings right now, and I didn't mean to make light of those feelings. I agree with Still Trying, the one thing you will have to live with - regrets. No matter which way you decide to go, just be sure you don't have any regrets (i.e., that things couldn't work out between you and your H).<P>For me, mentally, I kind of said, okay, this A took approximately 6 months to create - so why don't I give myself 6 months to get over it. And you know what, once you distance yourself from the OM - yes, you may feel like you still want him - but you don't NEED him. Then, day by day, you realize the love that you do have for your H - think of things that attracted you to your h when you first got married, why can't there be that love again? I know it seems impossible right now, but it can happen.<P>For me, I took a long hard look at the OM and my H. Did a mental list of pros and cons - what I would stand to lose if I left my H for the OM. I didn't even know if the OM wanted me - but I was making plans to leave my H. It was a little backwards, but eventually you do see that when reality hits - what makes you think that this OM will be that Knight in Shining Armor? Let's say you two end up together - how could you ever trust him to be faithful to you? And how could he trust you to be faithful to him?<P>I don't know if you've done any reading on the subject, but the percent of marriages that survive when a spouse leaves his/her spouse to be with the OP is very low - like less than 25% survive. The reason, because the marriage is based on mistrust.<P>I'm not saying you want to marry the OM, but you have to think long-term - wouldn't you just be trading one set of problems for another set? Who's to say life would be better with the OM? You can change the players, but unfortunately, the problems may still remain or be worse.<P>I have had discussions with other WSs about the "thoughts of the OM" that consume us. I think the reason we still continue to fantasize what life would be like with the OM - even well into recovery - is that the relationship with the OM did not die a natural death. When you date someone, things work out, you get married. If they don't work out, you drop them like a hot potato and look for someone else, right?<P>Well, for me, ending the affair, I never got to see whether or not it would work out. Between you and me (oh and everyone else reading ) I think it would have died - naturally in a matter of weeks. In the meantime, I would have already lost the one man who truly loved me - loved me even though I hurt him very deeply.<P>Look at your marriage, sure it has its problems, but those problems CAN be overcome. My H and I are reading Harleys book "His needs, Her needs" - maybe your H is not meeting your needs. . .maybe the OM fulfilled those needs - but I doubt he fulfilled all of them. Why not give your H a chance to fulfill your needs? If you haven't read the book, I highly recommend it - it gave me a little more insight on how my affair could have gotten started in the first place.<P>Look, I'm not here to judge anyone. I just want to make sure you really take a hard look at the OM and at your marriage. Don't have any regrets . . .Okay? I don't know how long you've been married. I've been married almost four years. The way I figure it, it took four years for my marriage to get to this point, I owe it to my H and TO MYSELF to put four years into recovering.<P>For me, I have only come to this point with such clarity because I was willing to separate myself from the OM. Why not at least try it? It's like that old saying - if you love someone set them free, if they never return to you, it was never meant to be. . .Let the OM go, try not to contact him, focus on you and your H. It does get better, but you have to take positive action. We're all here to support you.<P>You mentioned that the OM's W does not know about the A, correct? What would she do if she found out? Is the OM even willing to leave his W for you? I knew in my heart that I could never leave my H to be with the OM - so maybe it's been easier for me to get through withdrawl - but I still think of the OM - occasionally, but after time, I'm starting to see the A for what it really was - a fantasy I had created, an escape from normal life.<P>Hey, I'm only 1 1/2 months into no contact - how about trying no contact for at least two weeks, not for me but for yourself?

SKM -<P>Renee has already followed the no contact rule for 8 months! Only during the last month has she made contact. <P>She has discussed her unfulfilled ENs with spouse for 8 months and he refuses to meet them. What else can she do???

Runner1 -<P>Thanks for the information. I didn't know inamess was doing the no contact thing. I remember seeing a post that she kept talking to him - didn't realize that was just within the past month. But, once she started no contact - then contacted him - she would have to send another no contact letter or tell him not to contact her again - the process would still need to start over. But, I guess that's not the real issue here.<P>Inamess, I hate to talk in the third person, didn't realize your needs were going unmet for 8 months. Can I ask why? What reasons does your H give you? Does he just not care? Do you think he would care about your needs if you filed for divorce? What needs aren't being met - I know you talked about the sexual intimacy - but are there others?<P>I think both partners need to contribute to the "meeting needs" part of a relationship. I don't mean to give bad advice - or advice that has no relevancy to your situation, but why haven't you filed for divorce? Does your H know that you have been contacting the OM for the past month? Ambivalence is deadly to a relationship.<P>I always say, I would rather someone have a bad opinion about me - than no opinion at all. If they have a bad opinion - then maybe you can look at the reasons why and attempt to change or make improvements. <P>If your H is uncooperative, or just doesn't care, I don't know HOW you get him to care. I think that's the real reason why the pull of the OM is so strong - it's not that he's such a great guy, but at least he's interested in you. If that's true than your H isn't meeting your needs - I still think you need to resolve issues with him first - then think about pursuing another relationship - why be married to him at all?<P>Okay, you may have been young and "picked the wrong person to marry?" But you picked him, for some reason, right? I have a friend that recently got divorced. She made the decision that things were going bad and she wanted a divorce. Fine, I'm not here to judge her or anyone else. But, my friend said "you know, looking back on things, I never really loved him." How sad is that? To me, it sounded like she made her decision, and then started finding fault in everything he did in the past - without focusing on the good. It's like she was justifying her decision by saying "gee, things were never really that great to begin with."<P>I don't know, sometimes, when things are going badly, we tend to look back and focus only on the negatives to justify the way we feel today (add fuel to the fire).<P>I'm not saying that's the case here, but, inamess, just be sure you've given it every possible chance. I don't know what a person's tolerance level is 2 months, 6 months, 8 months for not having their needs met, but maybe now is a good time to see why your H IS still there. <P>WHY isn't he there physically? Have you told him - honestly - how you feel? Now's the time to let it all out. Tell him you're thinking a divorce is the way to go. This is serious stuff - whether you end up with the OM or not - you're really considering leaving your H.<P>Right now, that's the only thing I can advise - talk to your H one more time. Get counseling if you two need it. If he won't go, go alone. If he doesn't care what the counselor says - then he doesn't care about you. Some people can't express their feelings very well. You can't make someone feel something they just don't feel. <P>Inamess - you say that you don't want to hurt your H - why? Is it because you've resigned yourself to the fact that you "picked the wrong one" when you got married? Or is it because deep down he's a nice guy - and you don't want to hurt him?<P>I don't know anymore . . .It's like I want to try and save the world by coming on this board. Sometimes I get carried away in my optimism. Hope for the best - but maybe it really doesn't work, maybe some marriages are not meant to survive. Inamess, you and your H have to be the ones to decide that, but you've already said that you're not sure that you want to talk to the OM - so don't, at least for now. Wouldn't you be settling or "picking" the wrong person again?<P>I can only say that my heart aches for you and your H. I'm sorry if I have given you bad advice - think I'll just listen for a while . Take care.<P>

Hi Renee,<P>During your last two topics you wrote... you went from not wanting OM and wanting your marriage, to your marriage is over and <BR>you wanting OM. <P>Renee, he is married! YOU are married! Are you willing to leave your marriage for OM? Do you really think he will leave his wife for you? Do you think about what kind of life you will have together if he does? <P>Woman! You need to talk to your H about the needs you are not getting from him and tell him how you are feeling... Otherwise, you are going to end right back up where you were before you told H about your affair! IN A MESS!! Only bigger than it was....<P>Remember how OM treated you? Remember how he told the stories about you? Remember how understanding your H was when you told him? Remember that H is still with you even though it happened? H is working through things himself... but you have to communicate with H!<P>Don't call the OM anymore... look how much more confused you have gotten since you talked to him? He loves the attention and the way you are hung up on him... and don't forget, he has been without you for some time now... it's very possible that he has someone else besides his W by now... <P>If you think it was a mess before... imagine this one! Write me if you need to... talk to me on Instant Message if you need to... Just DO NOT call OM anymore... you will just end up getting even more hurt that you were and are now... <P>You know I wish you the best... I am SO SORRY you are feeling like this...<P>(((((((HUGS))))))<P>Lacee<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Runner1:<BR><B>Life is too short to be in this sort of constant agony over him. Some of these lunatics on here agonize for months and years unnecessarily........Eight months of your life have already been completely wasted being in misery. Is this really the way you want to live???</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Runner1, while I disagree with calling some of the people here lunatics, I do agree with you that life is too short to put up with a lot of things that I read that people do put up with here on this board. I have said as much here in the past, only to be told that this board is for building marriages and if I didn't believe in that, then I should leave this site. While I agree that marriage is a very serious institution and shouldn't be taken lightly, I do not believe that every marriage should be saved at any cost. <P>Inamess, a lot of sugar coating goes on on this board, but you are a grown woman and you should not always hear things in a sugar coated manner, while I don't agree with calling people lunatics, Runner1 has a point, life is too short to be going through all of this. If you no longer love your husband and he is not willing to make changes to meet your needs, then leave him, get a divorce. If you still have some love for him and he is making changes, the put the effort in and work it out. In other posts you have talked about the OM, and it didn't sound very flattering, so why would you even think about being with him, that's like jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire <P>Life is too short, think about what it is that you want and then do it, get off of the fence.<P>I'm not saying any of this to be mean spirited, but I do believe that we all sometimes need a hug, and sometimes we need a good kick in the a$$, I could be wrong, but from what I have read here, you needed a kick in the a$$, you've already gotten and will continue to get, plenty of hugs.<P><p>[This message has been edited by F A (edited August 15, 2000).]

Imamess:<P>We only know about each other what we share here, but if I met you at your best, I bet I'd find that you were:<BR> Young<BR> Carefree<BR> Spontanious<BR> Generous<BR> Enthusiastic<BR> Fun/Energetic/Life of the Party<BR> Decisive and quick to act<BR> Hardworking<BR> Quick in movement and efficient<BR> Capable of great emotion<BR> Caring friend<BR> Passionate<P>However, I think you are acting like your own worst enemy right now and although I might be entirely incorrect in my assumptions, I would some of your personality traits and life experiences are acting as stumbling blocks in your own recovery.<P>Once again I could be entirely incorrect, but I would bet you tend to be:<BR> Restless<BR> Impulsive<BR> Run Hot and Cold<BR> Act before considering consequences<BR> Derive self worth and approval externally rather than internally<BR> Hot tempered<BR> Likes your own way<BR> Tough to learn from anything but your own experiences<P>If you are young, immaturity may be a big factor. I can't remember, but I don't think you have kids, so you may not feel the constraints of marriage because of responsibility quite as accutely as those with kids. Your self worth may have suffered horribly though this experience and is a contributing factor in your behavior.<P>Your H sounds committed, but does not seem to be able to connect with you. You talk about your needs not being met. Are you sure that you are not running so hot and cold with your H that he honestly doesn't know what to make of all your emotions and is just trying to play it safe and not get in the line of fire? Is his youth getting in the way of his reaching out to you?<P>Imamess, sadly, although your emotions are understandable, you are not going to recover personally or in your marriage if you can not control your own actions. As difficult and seemingly impossible this may seem, you need to figure out some way of internally setting limits or externally finding some help for yourself. If you continue on these cycles of negative thinking of hate/revenge and now contact and indecision, your life will undoubtedly be a train wreck. Not only will you hurt yourself and your marriage, but you will take other people down with you as well.<P>Right now you are in a no win situation, but with your own convictions and by turning to your faith and other professional help, you can have a wonderful life. I pray you find your path to recovery.

This is 8 months into no contact. I made contact about 4 weeks ago. He wasnt receptive then. He told me they were doing fine. I talked to him today. He wants me to call him tomm night. Then he was suppose to call me back. Needless to say he didnt. So there is that. His W is going to be at the beach for a week. She is leaving tomm morning. You know what that means. I will be the love of his life starting tomm. That way I will meet him tomm night. Have sex for the rest of the week. Then she will be back and I will be **** again. AM I STUPID??????WHY CAN I NOT LET HIM GO?? I THOUGHT THIS WAS OVER!!!!!!!<P>As far as H meeting my needs. He thinks that MB is BS. He just loves in a different way. I have tried to hang on here. I dont know what to do. I just want to feel feelings for H. I dont want to hurt him. But why can he not do these things that are so small. Last night I went to the park wiht a friend and he was kinda upset about it. Going to the park with a friend on the spare of the moment. I guess he can feel the disconnect. I tried to console him today about it. I asked him last night to go with us. I really didnt want him to go though. <P>My H thinks that when you first marry that your "in heat". Then you just get mediocre about things. He thinks that it is infatuation. Then it wears off. He doesnt think that you can have "in love feelings" <P>I think I started posting H not meeting needs around the beginning of March. I told him today that I didnt want him to feel that way. that he needed to tell me when he had taht feeling of distrust. I said well we hang around on the fence post all the time. We dont spend time with each other like we should. Maybe when we are divorced we will look at it different. He said we wont divorce. I said I know you think that MB is BS. But it does work. He said well we never have time to spend together. <BR>I tried to say WE. That way it wouldnt be a LB. <P>So here I am back at square one. I have now stuck my foot in hell AGAIN...... Now watch OM call me tomm all nice and sweet. And wanting me to meet him. That way he can have me all week. I DONT THINK SO!!!!!!!!!!!!<BR>I feel so desperate right now. I just want to leave town. Get away from H and OM. I know that OM and I would never make it..That isnt even an issue. His love is to elusive. So why cant I say NO!<P>ST,<BR>Thanks so much for the post. That was great. I have to print that one and save it.<P>I need prayers as I glut for punishment!<BR>Thanks <BR>Renee<P><P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

Oh, Renee. I feel so bad for where you're at right now.<P>Believe me, I can relate. I've been through that on again, off again stuff w/OM several times. You just have to get to that point of no return when you truly decide what it is/who it is that you want. I know it takes SO much time, but you can get through this.<P>I know, I've been so lucky to have the H that I have. He's been supportive, understanding, and he's once again the man I fell in love with. All of this has taught both of us many hard lessons. Although I'd never wish to go through any of this again, both my H and I have grown like we never would have before. If I could turn back time and change everything, I would. But I can't, so I've just had to move on and deal w/whatever comes forward.<P>Renee, don't get me wrong, I can totally understand why you called OM. But don't you realize that it puts you right back in the same situation you've been fighting so hard to get out of? I feel I can be very frank w/you, because I've been in your shoes. I've been in your place where you think you'll never get over him and this A.<P><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>AM I STUPID??????WHY CAN I NOT LET HIM GO?? I THOUGHT THIS WAS OVER!!!!!!!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You can't let him go, because you don't <B>want</B> to let him go. You have to want to let him go to actually do it. It can be over if you want it to be, it is in your control. A lot of times, we WS's think that it's "out of our control", "we can't control what's happening". That's total B.S., and we all know it. We have to be the ones to gain that control and take responsiblities for our actions. It won't be over until you make a conscious effort to say that it's over, period. Remember, I know how hard it is. It's the hardest thing I've ever been through. I thought having a child out of wedlock was hard before my H and I got married. Try having a child out of wedlock and actually being married! That's even worse!<P>And yes, Renee, I'm going to keep praying for you. I want you to get through this and past this! This post may sound like "tough love" and that's what I meant it to be. I care about you and want what's best for you. You can do this, I have faith in you. I've made it through this, you can!!<P>I don't know if you'll stay married or not, but you know the pain for all of you in your situation. You have to stay away from OM before it gets even worse. His being married certainly doesn't help matters, either. Imagine how his W would feel if she found out. Imagine your pain it was your H cheating. <P>Renee, we put our own selves in this hell. We've got to be the ones to pull ourselves out, before we end up destroying ourselves. Maybe you need some time alone away from your H and OM to figure this out. The sooner you quit flip flopping, the better. I'm not telling you it'll be easy, because it won't. It's very hard and hurts very badly. But for me, now, looking back on my own situation, I can honestly say I'm doing better than I ever have since this whole mess began. It's taken TIME, PERSERVERANCE, PATIENCE and WILLPOWER. But it has happened!<P>My thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope it gets better.

I haev the cell phone in the car! That is where he will call. I am about tempted to have it cut off today. That is the only way he can get in touch with me. Of course I started this ****.. One minute I want to the next I dont..<P>He didnt call yesterday so he may not today. I am just overwhelmed. I really cant tell you what I am feeling. For you BS when we are in fog. WE ARE IN FOG!!!!<P>I wonder if it dies a natural death which wont be long. I dont have the same strong feelings that I did have for OM. Would that help? Why am I so weak. i thought I was doing great until about 2 months ago. I have tried to convince myself that I Love H. And taht I hate OM. WHAT HELL~~~~<BR>~~~~PATTING MYSELF ON THE BACK FOR THE HELL THAT I HAEV CAUSED MYSELF~~~~~~~~~~<P>Ill be back tonight. PLEASE PRAY!!! I cant handle more hurt!!!<P>Thanks<BR>Renee

Renee, <BR>Just want you to know I am praying for you. You can stop this right now, you can. Just do it.<P>Definitely get rid of the cell phone!<P>You said you thought you were doing great until 2 mos. ago. What happened is that you gave into that withdrawal. You couldn't stand the thoughts and feelings of OM, so you let it get the best of you. I KNOW, I'VE BEEN THERE!! TOO MANY TIMES! When you start thinking of OM and thinking of calling him, etc.--that's when you have to be the strongest. I know it's when you feel the weakest, but you've got to find strength to deal w/it and focus on your H or something else.<P>It's a good thing that your feelings for OM are decreasing. Let it die it's natural death. It can't if you keep hanging on.<P>Remember to think w/your head, not your heart right now. Your head and heart will eventually get on the same track, the right one!!! But you've got to get there first!! Hang in there. Also remember, we're here for you. Keep posting, hopefully that will help.

Well I am now at a stand still. I dont know what to do at this point. I was thinking of telling H about this whole mess. After all what have I got to lose? It isnt like this marriage is going to make it. <P>I am trying to get my head on straight. I was Inamess today. Sometimes I feel so strong. Then other times I dont.<P>Thanks<BR>Renee<P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

Renee<P>(Aren't you glad I stopped calling you inamess? You may be in a mess, but you're a strong person, you can get through this one way or another.)<P>Anyway, I think it's a good idea to tell your H about this latest contact, and what you've been sharing with us on your posts. Sometimes, I think we are more open on this board than we are with our own spouses. To me, I guess that seems a little unfair. Everyone else can read us like a book, but our spouses only get half of each chapter.<P>And you may not be losing your marriage - you may just need reinforcements. . .Talk honestly and openly to your H - it may be painful for both of you, but you can't keep all of these emotions to yourself - you're going to explode!<P>You are a little spark plug . . .You've expressed your feelings very well here, try talking to your H. I'm going on vacation for a week. Maybe when I come back things will be better, I'll be thinking of you and praying for the best. Take Care.

WOW!!!!!!! Prayer answered!!!!! I got closure finally!!!!!SLAM THE DOOR!!!! IT IS GOING IN THE HISTORY BOOK NOW!<P>I met with OM last night. When I first walked in the door he said "Wow, you look hotter than a $3.00 pistol. LOL!! I said "OK we cannot say things like that. That isnt why I am here" "I am here to end it and say SORRY" <P>He and I discussed all this mess. The deal was that I sit on one side of the room and he sit onn the ohter. I told him that we had to be adults about this and that I didnt want him but I was having a hard time letting him go. He was now over it. He told me things that would help me cope. Plus also pointed out that this was out of sin and would never last. No matter how bad we wanted it to.He said he was sorry for doing what he done. And for what happened. he knew he loved his wife and I loved H. He said W had an idea that something happened. but she has told him in a round about way, that she doesnt want to know if he ever cheats on her. I told him taht I would never ever want to hurt her. He said when she left for the beach on Wednesday morning she said "Im going to be gone for a week. Are you going to be here when I get back?" Thta broke his heart. He said that we just screwed each others heads all up. <P>He said that he thought that one of the problems with H is with his dad. He thought that was our only problem. He said he ws the same way with his mom intil the A happened. He said the day that I called him on the phone and told him that it was wrong. And we needed to part and work on our marriages. That was when he realized that he needed to let go and it was a fantasy. He felt like he owed H something. But he didnt know what to do. He wanted to just tell him. Man, I think your a great Man for not shooting me. I think I would have done it. I just think you deserve to kick my A@#... <P>Anyway! We parted... Never to spoken to again. I promised him to never call him ever again. I told him that I would not to anything to destroy his marriage. That I was happy that it was working for him.He said he never wanted to start that again. That he could not handle it. He thought that it was a "roses" for me. I didnt want to go into that conversation to deep. We both knew that we couldnt discuss that. So we made the agreement. He will not talk to me and will avoid me in all aspects. And vice versa. He said to be strong. And think about H not him. That is what made him hang in!!!!!<BR>If I get weak and call. He has told them not to except phone calls from the 3 numbers that I contact him with. <P>So thank GOD!! I was really happy when I left. Yhe feeling that I had when I was there was odd! It wasnt the same. I think it has died over time.THANK GOD!!!!! I wanted to come home and Hug all over H. OM told me to get my [censored] home with my hubby. That i loved him and he loved me to much.... He thought that I was more of his sister than anything. But we can never be friends. So the NO CONTACT is forever now. I know he wont call me. I have to be strong and not call him.. I really dont want him. I thought he looked like crap to. So all the stuff he told me helped.......<P>So that is that. I took the day off today to kinda hash out my mind. <P>I know this is withdrawal all over again. But I know in my heart that it would not be possible. I dont have that "what if" in my mind.<P>i dont feel hurt. I feel alot better. Like it is now time to focus straight on me. Not everyone else. <P>Thanks for all the prayers<BR>Renee<P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

Renee -<P>Thanks for this update. I'm packing up my stuff for vacation, and I was afraid to read this and your other post . . .I wanted some good news before I left.<P>I'm glad you've got the closure that you needed. Now you just have to take one day at a time. I think you may have thoughts of the OM, you may even get the urge to call him - now you know you shouldn't. Stay away from him . . .You will be okay . . .Take care, and I'm happy for you.