My situation deteriorated very quickly. Of course lots due to me. I couldn't take the unbelievable bizaarness of my H and though I was not nasty, pulled myself out of the situation.<P>Which led to finally an admission of a PA adn him saying he's not coming back and now he's filing.<P>He knows how I feel, I've taken responsibility. I've lost it maybe 3 times in the past 8 months and the rest of the time I've been nice. Though I think if I smile it is a LB><P>NOw it is the night befor school starts.. One going to middle school and our last entering K. <P>He is no longer the bizaar grandiose person he was, but now he begins discussing me selling the house. Him gettin g the D. and how I'll never get over it and what about the kids being with OW!!!<P>Now, I'm just not going to fight this. Anything I do is just looked at as control.<P>What do you do in this circumstance. I certainly can't do plan B. That was the biggest LB, though it did finally get an admission.<P>I want to be as nice as I can under the circumstances. I mean We went on a vacation as a family in April, sleeping together. He spent the night here in May. He up until recently was simpley telling our kids he was sad and confused.<P>Now all he can think about is our kids beign with OW> <P>Of course I will have to let it happen if they are married. My kids know her and her kids. I will never belittle her. I don't hate her. I realize people do not do things on purpose. <P>But how can I get him to at least give the kids time to adjust. I mean, I am still sleeping with theml Our oldest two sleep in the same room (son and daughter because d won't sleep alone). My youngest cries every night for her dad. Not that he understands. I know this. But how do you get them to realize that although the y are deliriously happy (what a joke...my H looks so depressed), the kids will not be!!!!<P>I really handled the conversation well I thought. I did not LB , did not cry or plead or whine. I guess the only thing i said that was a LB, was that I didn't have the choice I wanted and I would do what needed to be done and yes I would talk to him I had never had difficulty before and I was still having a hard time understanding how a person hates someone in one day. I guess he took that as a lb and walked out angry. What a night!!! <P>Even in the bizaarness there were bright spots. Like when he said he missed sleeping in our bed. It just seems like he gets deeper and deeper into the tunnel.<P>Boy, what a shock when the two of them wake up and really see their lives!!!!!!

TT- I'm really sorry for your pain tonight. I guess misery loves company because here I am. I don't know what to tell you. I think that there comes a time and place when a person just can't live in limbo any longer. I to have come to that place. It hurts like hell, I don't know if what I am doing is right but I can't go on like this anymore. I do know that even though things look really bad today maybe tomorrow will be a better day. We have a long hard road ahead of us. I have been trying to think of this as a new adventure. It used to be that I thought I knew what my future held but know longer so all I can do is look forward to each day and hope it brings me some much deserved happiness. I don't think what you told your H was bad, it was honest and right now he can't face any thing to do with honesty. <P>Please just don't regret your decision. It was made with alot of thought and time involved.<P>Take Care,<P>Jill

Hi TT,<P>Excuse me, I know I'm not supposed to understand, actually no one including you are ... But why the H*ll is he telling you he misses sleeping in your bed. Why would he say something like that to YOU? <P>I think your H, like mine, is a manipulator. I think they know our buttons all too well.<P>Hon, I know you love this man but he is out there right now. I've been keeping up on your posts and I can't believe how selfish and self serving all his actions and words have been. It really must be hell on earth for you TT. But you handle things in such a logical and compassionate way, I truly admire you. Please know that your unbelievable patience and undersatnding is not going unnoticed. Just how do you do it?<P>I keep telling myself "I need to take care of myself", I say it again and again and again. But that ole' depression keeps setting in. I fight it with all my might, and I pray to God He'll please help me be strong.<P>As far as OW being with the kids, I can't imagine what that must feel like. If they were my kids I think I'd fight tooth and nail. But my H and I don't have kids and maybe that's a good thing. I wouldn't be a BIG enough person to allow HER into my babies lives. I know you really have no issues with her, but I couldn't stand thinking about her having her hands on my children. Call me selfish and posessive, but that's how I feel. I'm sure the law would override any feelings I might have had in that regard.<P>I'm thinking of you alot these days TT. I'm also praying for you.<P>You just get yourself into that school and you make yourself happy. Love and be with your children and move away from that schmuck. I just wnat to SHAKE him!!!<P>Jo

Thanks for your replies.<P>I can't even say it's pain that I'm feeling. It's more like resignation. This is not in any way shape or form the man I was married to. I have no idea what happened to him. But I cannot be totally responsible.<P>Jo, he said that about the bed in the beginning. When he was really out of it. tTHe night OP's H confronted them in a car and he crashed sort of because he was afraid her H was going to blow the whistle at work.<P>Things were improving then with being nice. But then it kept getting manipulating. Whenever we would begin to talk he would get possessed again and say things that made no sense and tell me he was lying and couldn't tell me why.<P>Now he is just "in love". <P>Of course I will have no choice of letting the kids be with oP and he if they are together. I doubt she will be that loving, she is not very attentive to her own kids. <P>To top it all off, he calls tonight and I reiterate that I will do what I have to do. And that I do not believe I am better than anyone else, including OP. He then says he was only doing the every other weekend thing at my wishes.. (the control thing with the MLC) and he would prefer to have one or two at a time so he can spend better quality time with them.<P>In other words...he has a life and I do not. There is no point in arguing. I will make do and find sitters or sleepovers to find some time for myself. But this is another reason I'd like to move closer to family.<P>It's almost like one big punishment. Public humiliation, hatred from someone who loved you so much, coldness... One big punishment for what???? I still don't know.<P>I really think his is more of a really big MLC in which he just is unhappy and wants to change everything. But just taking another "drink" hoping the outcome will be different.<P>It's amazing how YOUR life can change in the blink of an eye while the rest life goes on like nothing has happened. The world goes on. His office goes on with he and she in it "in love" when just 7 months ago I was in there with my kids seeing all of the office staff.<P>It's more of an overwhelming feeling I have. You know, I really thought he'd wake up.

TT,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>I really think his is more of a really big MLC in which he just is unhappy and wants to change everything. But just taking another "drink" hoping the outcome will be different.<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I believe you're right about this. I think he will wake up when he has changed everything and finds that he is still unhappy. There is something inside himself that he wants to chagne but he can't see what it is. So he's changing stuff around him, hoping that will be enough. He's changed his outward behavior, but deep inside there is a part of him that is crying out for attention and until he pays attention to it, nothing he changes externally will be enough to make him happy.<P>Unfortunately, he's not the only one affected by it. You and your kids get to go along for the ride.<P>I completely understand how he can feel so lost within himself that he feels a need to change everything. I wish there was some bit of advice I could give you to help you through this, but I don't know of any. I guess all you can really do at this point is live your life the best you know how and make sure the kids get to see him regularly. If I were you I'd ask that he take all the kids at once for at least one night a month. That will give them a more complete family experience with him. He has the whole rest of the month to plan individual quality time with them. Just make sure it is consistent. That is what kids need most. Consistency.

TT,<P>I know this response is off the wall, totally, but I can't stand to hear you give up this way, and I have to add something here.<P>Is this OW a nurse in his office? I believe I read earlier that they work together?<P>Why don't you do this: Get your hair done, your nails, a makeover of sorts, I mean dress to the nines and prance yourself into that office, ask for him, make sure she knows you are there and say to him " Hello there sweetie! or babe or whatever that would absolutely blow her [censored] off and ask him to go to lunch with you or if it's later in the day, ask him to take you to dinner, just to spend some time together. Pleaseeeeeeeeeeeee! do this, I want to see or hear what happens. You need to pour it on him and make her LB her butt off!!!!<P>The people that monitor this board are probably going to get rid of me... It won't be the first time someone's tried to get rid of me.<P>Cathy<p>[This message has been edited by Catplay (edited August 21, 2000).]

Hi Tootrusting -<P>Haven't been around much....just popping in and saw this.....<P>It reminded me of something that I had wanted to ask you about from one of your other threads......<P>Did you ask your H to meet you and your little one for her first day of kindergarden? She deserves that tradition like her sibs - REGARDLESS of what you and he have going on right now.<P>You had stated that he wouldn't be doing that for her.....but did you ever ASK him about it? He might very well be aware of it and want to be there, but not have any idea that it is appropriate or would be potentially harmful for your daughter if he wasn't......<P>If you haven't asked him....perhaps a quick call early enough in the AM to "remind" him of his ritual!!!!!<P>If you are inclined not to do this...just try to keep in mind that this particular thing is not about "you" or "him".......it is about your daughter's being included in something that the other kids got to have!!!<P>DO NOT DEPRIVE HER OF IT... .....Reinforce that way of thinking onto your H if he balks at the idea!!!!<P>You can do this TT!!!!!<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba<P>PS - why the heck is school starting so early? If I was a kid, I would picket!! LOL!!!<BR>

truthseeker, yes, I know he is trying to change everything, and no I do not think he will be happy. He isn't happy now. I do know that he is in a big swirl of "something" painful. I have to remind myself that he is not "himself" almost every second.<P>Catplay, I cannot do that. They shut me out of the office a long time ago. Back when my H was obsessed or possessed in Jan. he told me I upset the office staff too much. (she told her H the same thing....) I won't go in. Don't take that as giving up. It would only be my LB. My H "hates" me right now. I am better off letting him control the situation right now. I can only follow his lead.<P>Sheba, thanks for chiming in. Yes he is invitd to D's first day. But a lot of what is going on with him is work (and OP) is the first priority. He can't make it. He views a phone call in the am as the next best thing. And yes, we start school early here in the south. But we are finished at the end of may! Just got my eldest off for her first day of middle school! She looked so cute in her capri pants (peddlepushers in my day) and her new hoop earrings. <P>The three kids got up at 5:45 to make me breakfast in bed and they bought me a little gift at bath and body shop. ( relaxing bath). Now that made my day!<P>

Hi TT,<P> I, like Resilient , am amazed at your logical , patient responses....and to NOT hate the OW.....you are really amazing.<P> Anyway, I swear you are living alot of what my life was....even down to living in the south!!!I know you have read Private Lies.....does your H not sound like the Romantic who"hypnotically" gives up<BR>everything for love? There is no way this relationship could last.....first of all, the inordinate amount of time they spend together.....yikes, it won't be long till they have a falling out over something....<P>I guess I'm just trying to encourage you to stand by and slow the D if you can...he sure doesn't have a clue as to what he's doing...LU

TT,<P>You and I are carbon copies. My situation seems to be moving way too fast. I do not have time to catch my breath or be thinking clearly before the next onslaught.<P>He moved out 2 fridays ago and insists that D has to be doing things with them and staying with them. So far that has not happened but he keeps pushing. He has seen her a total of 3 1/2 - 4 hours in over 2 weeks. He is not making an effort to see her and they were attached at the hip, she was his pride and joy. She is devising her own ways to avoid him. All she knows is he is gone and has a new family and a new home.<P>Saw him last night. He called on cell phone while we were driving home from shore. I asked that he come over when we got home to see her. He called and came over after 10 pm - we only got home at 9:40. They took a lap around development - he took his dog along - I know he misses him. <P>When they got back he stood outside and we talked. He says he is not coming back. He is happy now. ( Right now because he is not living 2 lives - but I do not believe he is happpy ) He is still too angry, confused, he is still lying to me, still hiding things from me, and when I look in his eyes - I can not explain that. He threw in that he was taking me to court over child custody. Then he threw in he was filing for divorce - that he and I were threw and we were going to be divorced.<P>Again I told him that I love him and am willing to do what ever it takes to rebuild our life. He said that this was not his home any longer.<P>I can handle his attiudes, lies, nastiness, threats, OW and S, but I can not handle it when it comes too our D. That is were I draw the line and that is where the LB is occuring now. I stop myself as soon as we get into the fight cycle, but it is really hard because he is not even thinking of her or her feelings.<P>Any thoughts on this anyone. I do not believe in divorce. I want to save my marriage. I want to be here when this thing falls apart to pick up the pieces. He has literally jumped from one life into another with no regards to us at all. I am having a hard time believing it is even happening.

Lu, yes, I read Private Lies. And yes, it is a romantic affair. Also, his whole family and I have trashed Op on toomany occasions which I'm sure fuels it further.<P>I don't think I can stall the D. I tell him that It's not what I want, but I will do what I have to do. A lot of this is control...his!!!! he wants it all. I actually feel strong enough to give it to him. I don't know what's happened to me in the past couple of weeks but I've changed!!!<P>Standing back from the situation and trying to look at it third party helps. As does prayer. I have spent a lot of time reading the bible...for the first time in my life. I pray the Rosary. I have come to a different understanding of faith than I have previously had. To know me, and my life growing up and the issues I have had would help explain it, but it's too long.<P>The biggest benefit to me through this whole ordeal is the relationship I am creating with my children. My kids are actually happy. They are changed like me, but I have truly focused on them and their needs and I can see incredible growth. I will enjoy every moment I can with them. (I say that because I am human and at times blow it. But I am getting better and better every day)<P>YOu know, about the romantic affair. That was the reason I pushed him off the fence. By some of the posts here I knew I would never be able to have him back with the obsession he was in. He will have to figure it out on his own. It does seem like insanity (hopefully it will be temporary because no matter what happens with us, he is just not thinking...his conscience is shut off) that he can move out...in Feb. go on a family vacation in April...tell the kids he's confused and sad but nothing else and now in Aug. say he's in love and that's it!!! Already worried about me letting the kids with OP. <P>I try with all of my might and I cannot ever fathom thinking this way. Absolutely no concern, care, insight into anyone but himself. It's difficult to even put myself in that place to try to understand it. But that doesn't mean I will not take it as it comes and deal with it, because I will. <P>I believe, it takes incredible resolve to deal with your kids. I was like you, the kid issue was the biggest LB for me. H will say we have to do what's best for the kids and I want to slap him. He gets mad because I want to move closer to family because then he doesn't get to have his new life and see the kids when it is convienient for him.<P>I just keep reassuring him we will work it out wherever I am. I will accomodate to him where ever I am.

TT,<BR>I'm sorry you can't "strut your stuff" in his office, it was just a thought. Someone on another thread advised another to do things that would grind on the OP to the point of making OP LB and I thought that was awesome. At the time my H was gone w/OW, that was exactly what I was doing, but didn't even know it, plus I had a little help from Mother Nature and the children.<P>I am in the south also, and school started last week for us. YUK!!!<P>I haven't read Private Lies, my daughter is reading Sullivan's Island and wants me to read that,it's a story of a woman and her unfaithful H. A good read, from what I understand.<P>All I can think of now is for you to get him to commit to the children's activities as much as possible, the more he has to do with them, the more she will grow to despise the idea of sharing him with others. We need to work on that...<P>I bet your babies where so precious this morning, don't you just miss them so much the first few days? Then, you have to start cleaning out the summer debris!!!<P>Have a great and blessed day.<P>Cathy

Hi TT,<P> I have to say it again....you truly are an amazing person...I am so glad your MIL is in your corner. <P>This "temporary insanity" thing they go through is unbelievable to watch, my H said and did so many things that were just plain crazy...(he claims he doesn't remember them now!) I know what you mean about being the objective 3rd party...it does help along with the books and rosaries!!! <P> HI Catplay,<P> Hey, I read Sullivan's Island and it was entertaining!..... LU<P> <BR>

TT, <BR>I may be totally off the wall here, but--<BR>-------------------------------------------He is no longer the bizaar grandiose person he was, but now he begins discussing me selling the house. Him gettin g the D. and how I'll never get over it and what about the kids being with OW!!!<BR>---------------------------------------------<BR>I can't help feeling that he is trying to pressure a response from you. Does he think the house is important to you? The marriage? <BR>Keeping the kids away from the other woman?<BR>And the "I'll never get over it--seems that you have done a good job of letting him know you care is spite of "losing it a few times".<P>You know your H better than me, but do you think he is frustrated by your composure and levelheadedness?<P>Like I said, maybe I am in left field but these statements don't sound like someone who could care less about your relationship.<BR>Do you think the fog is lifting?