Went to appt. today with son. H decided not to go. She said we are confusing him by still spending time together and especially signs of affection between us (he initiates frequent contact).<P>She suggested it isn't good for me or for S to be sitting on the fence. I explained Harley's concepts and she agreed that was a positive thing to do - but that S needs to feel security and know his parents have control. She said H's belongings still at the house, and his constant contact at the house is sending our S mixed signals. (Tell me about it - me too!) She feels H should spend time with S one on one - without me there. On neutral ground.<P>She said there is no reason he cannot go to H's apartment - but that it needs to be decided if he's going to be told about OW or not. If not - she isn't to be around while he's there. But that is H's decision.<P>H called and I told him all this. He didn't say anything at all. Just said we would talk about it later (story of my life).<P>I'm leaving town this weekend on business - asked H if he would stay at house with S and take care of him - he hemmed and hawed for a few days and now says no - make other arrangements.<P>I think I'm going to pack all his things and drop them off before I leave town. This way S doesn't have to keep seeing them. I have to lead a semblance of a normal existence for my S. <P>Can I still Plan A in this situation? Is it time for Plan B? For everyone involved?<P>How to proceed?<P>Cali

Gosh, I'll do the best I can on this.<P>If I were you, I would lean toward a Plan B. If your H is living with OW, you kind of have to. If you've been Plan A-ing for awhile successfully, then when you do break contact, his most recent memories of you will be wonderful ones. If he's able to live w/OW and still come home and be affectionate too, he's getting his cake and eating it too. He won't make a decision between you and the OW if you're letting him get the best of both worlds.<P>I agree with your counselor - seeing that will send mixed signals to your son. As far as whether or not you should tell him about the OW, I guess that depends on how old he is. He's bound to find out, but I would leave it up to your H to tell him about that. He created the situation, let him explain it. But I do suggest that you Plan B and make your H face his situation alone. Best of luck to you.

For the sake of your son, DO NOT LET HIM MEET OW until a divorce is FINAL!<P>It’ll only confuse him even more than he is. If a divorce is final between you & h and then the they break up (extremely likely) your son will only be more confused & hurt.<P>Just let your h know that you do NOT agree for your son to meet her until a divorce is final. DO it the best you can with no lovebusters. <P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

I have a friend who's H is bringing the OW around his kids. I know every situation is different, but this has been devastating for her children. Their father is around a lot and is always asking to come home, but he hasn't given up his OW and is even seeing her openly. It's very confusing. These poor kids are acting out horribly and talking about suicide. <P>I don't think children should be introduced to the person they are surely going to blame for the situation and the person they are going to be asked to like and respect, until everything is calm and it is a reality that the WS and the OP are going to have a long term committed relationship. It's just too much to ask if you ask me.<P>It sounds like your counselor is right. There is too much ambiguity and time apart might make things clearer. It might give you some peace. Not seeing you and your H together might be easier on your son.<P>The only thing is, I'd give your H a chance to be a part of this decision. I know he may decide to not decide, but having the choice to have a say is more respectful than just dumping his stuff off. (POJA) (Early in my separation, I made all the decisions about if we were going to have contact, how much we were going to talk, if the divorce papers were filed, when he got out and when my house was no longer going to be used as his storage facility. I regret that and wish that these things had been more joint decisions. It might not have changed anything since he usually decided not to decide, but at least he would have had some control over what was happening).<P>I don't know how Plan B happens when there are children involved, but it sounds like a good place to go to me.