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Joined: Jul 2000
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D and I were away for weekend. Tonight H worked late and came over later. Bad talk - he told me he is/has filed for divorce - I will be served soon. He is going to fight me for visitation - but not right now (His version is to have her go to apartment and stay there with them - D says no she does not want to go there or do anything with them), he can and does see her any other time but he does not make prior arrangements and gets mad because we are doing something else.( We always have some one here or are away) We are not going to sit around here and wait for his beck and call.

Any way - he is/has filed for divorce, is going to fight custody and visitation, can not/will not give me any more money then he already is. We have a child support hearing on Thursday.

He can not give me any reason except that he does not love me and will not live this way. Can not give any hint of what this way is except the misery we both have been in since Oct/Nov while he was having an affair that I knew nothing about. D-day 6/23, she left her H on 7/1 and he left us 8/4.

Please help me - I have been in Plan A since d-day and thought I was doing a great job but he keeps going further away and doing more destructive things to our marriage. I had been giving him a card and a letter once a week. He does not want them. Did not want the b-day present I gave him. (Just a t-shirt) He wants nothing from me. He wants nothing to do with me. He is finished with me and I do not need any explaination. He is going to make things right by divorcing me and doing whatever with OW ( he did not say anything about her at all). He will live with his mistakes - he said that again.

The whole way through this I was quiet, calm, no LBing. Restated sentences when he twisted them out of context. He blamed everything on me but could not give me specifics and wqhen I asked if he was going to face his part in it the said he is and I said what about prior to Oct/Nov and he got emotional, defensive, angry (do not play head shrink games with me), walked away and left.

Please help me. I love my H and want to save this marriage. What do I do if he actually did file? I did not think that he would but I did not think he actually would leave either. Was he just bluffing to rattle me - he did that. I feel this is way out of control.

History in Plan a/Plan B- H left-living with OW.


Joined: Nov 1999
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My advice for what it is worth is go to the bookshop and buy yourself a copy of Divorce Busting by Helen Weiner Davis and a copy of Dr James Dobsons book Love Must Be Tough. Lock yourself away and read both books cover to cover.

Write a plan B letter to your H put it on this site and let others read it and give their advice, then send it to him.

If he has filed you'll soon know about it, so do not worry about it. If he hasn't, you have more time. Work on You. Forget him at the moment he is in LA LA land and is floating on Cloud Cuckoo he has not got a clue where he is at present and what he is saying to you is c**p, it is his way of making what he is doing acceptable. NEVER accept rubbish from anyone. You have done nothing wrong apart from try to be nice to him at a time that your whole persona has been challenged. Get yourself together girl, get the ammunition that I told you about in the first paragraph of my post and go to war.

Stand up and be counted, you will get your man back when he truly sees what he has lost, not before only then.

FET


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I have read Divorce Busting (3 times), Hope for the Separated (3 times), His Needs/Her Needs, The Holy Bible(Psalms), Men are from Mars Women are from Venus, Change One Thing, Lovers Forever, and I am up to chapter 7 in Surviving An Affair(and read that part 3 times looking for an answer to post here), and a couple others that I forget the titles to right now. I have ordered Midlife Crisis by the Conways and I have not found Love Must Be Tough yet.

Everything I have read and everything that I am/have been doing points me in the direction that this marriage can be saved but my H is on the freight train from H**l and there are no brakes. I have/had so much faith and hope but tonight I am crying and shaking so hard my teeth are chattering.

I do not understand and I do not know what to do because what I am doing seems to be pushing him further away. No LBing, no crying, no pleading, no contact from me - yet I see him and/or talk to him everyday except when D and actuallt leave the area for a few days like we just did. He is here, he has to know what we are doing and where we are going all the time. yet it is none of my buisness what he is doing, even if he takes my garden hose, it is none of my buisness.

I am lost right now. I love him so much and I have been letting him go but it is not working. I did not really want to go to plan B yet - I thought it was too soon; but after tonight????? How can I do Plan B with our daughter? Right now I do not think he will accept anything from me.

It is so soon after d-day and this is moving so fast. How can he just act like we do not have 22 years behind us?????


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Please help me. I am hurting badly. This is moving way to fast. Do I change anything I am doing or do I keep with Plan A. Plan B???? How with a child in the middle???? I am lost and scared. I am crying and shaking all over again.

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Hi IB,

I'm so sorry for what you are going through....it is *ell.......from where I stand I think you need to go to Plan B, he is causing you great distress and you need to protect yourself. Yes, he is in a major fog, leaping with no thoughts of consequences......

The best thing I can tell you is contact Steve H. asap and get some guidance....he is great , he helped me when everything seemed so hopeless(we are back together). Money may be tight for you but try to call him , ok? Also, if he is filing look at the link for attorneys and get yourself some financial protection.....in the fog the OP has too much influence...

Hang in there, please call Steve or Jennifer H.....LU


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Keep up with Plan A and if he does file do whatever you can to STALL, STALL,STALL! Time is your friend. My sister's H was acting just like this. 2 months AFTER the divorce was final he realized he truly loved her, had made a mistake and wanted her back. By then she didn't want him. He continued to pursue her for about 3 years. Plan A is tough but it can work. Take it from me, my H once said "I don't love you anymore, we will NEVER get back together, there is NO chance, getting married was a mistake" etc. 2 years later he says things like "I can't imagine life without you, you've always been the one true love of my life, I can't imagine a beter life than the one I have with you". It can happen, unfortuantely the road there is really tough. Don't give up unti you are ready.

Joined: May 2000
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Hi there IB - don't cry, I know it hurts. Just remember, this person is NOT your H right now. He has been abducted by aliens and nothing he says or DOES means a damn thing. Remember that. Hold on to it and continue to do what you're doing. Don't react.

To me - sounds like the pressure's on from OW and he's retaliating by blaming you and filing for D (we'll see if that's reality or a bluff). Either way the outcome is the same - he'll have second thoughts. Either about filing or about signing. I think you'll find he will stall a little too. Seems his haste is due to uncertainty. Like he's afraid if he doesn't get it all done right now - he might change his mind.

I think that means your Plan A is working. I know, easier said than done in the face of this kind of adversity. Believe me, IB, I know. Plan A as long as you can - then Plan B. You can never go back to A. If it seems to be working (his anger indicates it is) then I'd do it as long as you possibly can.

That's my plan anyway. Hang in there! Please let us know how you are. I'm thinking of you and praying for us all.

Cali


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Hello,
I know it's a very painfull situation. But try to be as calm as possible.
I have to agree with most of what Cali said.
SOmetimes the pressure and the insecurity make them gointo desperate decisions.
My H felt that if he didn't get our marriage out of the way as fast as possible he might change is mind, so he tried to hurry everything along as fast as possible.
However, 2 years after the whole thing, we're doing great - even better than before.
ANd the ow, the affair, and all that happened at that time are just memories now - not even that painfull anymore.
In any case, you need to think, decide on what you want to do, hope for the best - and although I don't like this part also prepare for the worst.That's what I did. I felt sure things would be worked out, but informed myself, made plans etc. in case they didn't.
Hugs to you
Kat

------------------
Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.


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Thank you for all your replies. I still believe this will work out if I can hold on long enough. Went to lawyer this AM. Really did not like what she had to say but the law is the law. She said if we could get an agreement from him to do what he has been we could do that. I called him when I got home. No LB. I stayed calm. He was talking in circles again. Wishy washy, back and forth. I explained that if he agreed to our original terms and he keeps giving me the money he has been it would be the quickest way to settle this now. If we wait for the wage attachment and going through 2 different hearings I would be snowed under and start losing things. He finally agreed with a reevaluation in 6 months - I am going to push for 9 months.

He will not sign custody papers for our child and I said that was ok, that I would not push for that,as long as he followed what we were currently doing. He said he will talk to her. Tell her he is not coming home. I asked him not to take her hope away from her.

He asked if I will sign the divorce papers and I told him no - that I am not ready for that. I have a lot of faith and hope and he said to give it up. He said he did file. I am hoping he is bluffing.

Again he is emotional, crying, talking in circles. This is not the man I married. I will stall as long as I can and protect all of us as much as I can.

Am I doing the right thing? I love this man. I want to save our marriage. I want our family healed. Am I making the right boundries? I am only holding him to what he had said he would do.

Please continue to advise me. I need all the positive enforcements I can get right now.


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Hi IBelieve:

You know the WS mind is a funny thing...even they don't understand it most of the time....so don't give your H credit for doing any thinking in this matter...odds are all this rush to divorce is due to OW pressure. And that could mean that she is threatened in some way and wants the matter resolved quickly in her favor by a divorce.

Now what would threaten an OW?...maybe a wavering H...unsure of what he wants because your Plan A has been making inroads into his resolve...Could be. Don't think OW wouldn't pick up on this even if H is clueless to what is bothering him.

The main point I am trying to make is that your H is in a fog...and what he says and what he does are filtered through that fog...and not to be trusted as a basis to make decision on from your point of view.

This is a lesson it took me a long time to learn...but I've learned it and it has freed me from letting H unset me all the time...because I can look back and see that 3/4 of what he has said he was going to do while he in the fog has never been done.

Filing divorce papers doesn't change anything...it's just a step in the process...a step that never has to come to culmination...or that cannot be undone.

So keep Plan A'ing strong because it just might be working better then you think.

Buffy


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Thank you everybody. I must say I am more confused now. I am much stronger then I was the other night. Called H at work after seeing lawyer. I was not happy with what the law would allow and she said if we can get him to agree to keep doing what he was doing then we could go that route.

He agreed. It took a while. He talked in circles and was wishy washy but he did agree. He even called me back. Again he is the one who got emotional and was crying.

I went to the isurance agent to get check for truck and we did not have the proper paperwork. I called him again. He met me in Hbg to get the paper work. I thought he would suggest that since we were both here we might as well transfer the truck awhile. I was going to say no , not today, but he never brought it up and he did not even change the address.

He was here last night when he dropped D off. We talked just fine.

Today I called him at work to make sure we were still in agreeance. I told him I had closed out the account and had that switched around. He again got emotional and was crying on the phone.

The hearing went south. The lawyer who showed up for him was not who he was dealing with and he talked hiom out of it for today. I withdrew the petition. I hope that was a plus for me in his mind. I could have pushed for what they would allow and set up another hearing but the law does not allow what I need to stay afloat.

We agreed on a voluntary basis on what he said he would do. The problem is I have no recourse if he stops giving me money.

He followed me home from the hearing. He talked - I listen - only chimed in a few times - nothing to get me in trouble though. I told him I could get a loan through the credit union but we would need the boat title. And he would have to co-sign. Again he was the emotional one before he left.

He met me at the Dr.'s office when I took D for her appt. He was all nice and Mr. Helpful. Concerned. He gave me the money and again he would not let go. Said he would clean the chimney - no need to pay someone to do it. He said that if it would help me out he could deposit the money for me so I would not have to make an extra trip. I have direct deposit. He would have to make an extra trip because he does not use our bank anymore.

He came to see D tonight. I am so confused. He just filled out the application for a 5 yr consolidation loan as my husband. He was in the house and at ease with being there and with me. He has already made arrangements to clean the chimney, fix the truck, have someone else inspect it because he can not do a reconstruct inspection on his own vehicle, he asked about the lawn mower, tried to start it and said he will be back to pick it up to fix it.

The aliens are at work again.



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