Hi,<P>Not such a good day here. I took the kids to see the house we are going to rent and they were so upset. Its not a bad house but nothing like we have now. We all worked so hard on this house and its so hard to let it go. H wants to move back in with OW and her kids if we move out that really makes it tough. What should I do? My house payment here is 727.00 a month. Rent for that other house is 300.00. I will make after taxes 1800 a month. If I keep the house it doesn't leave alot of money left over. That 1800 includes child support of 400.00. H also pays for the kids health ins. So what should I do? Should I uproot the kids and move into something they are so unhappy with or do I struggle with making 7oo house payments. <P>He really has made our lives a mess! I have a 16 yr old daughter who is upstairs crying her eyes out. I have two boys who are also moping around. What do I do!<P>Jill

Hey C or W,<P>I'm so sorry you and kids have to move. And I do think it's for the best considering the $$ situtation.<P>Looking at the avail $$, and not knowing all of you expenses, it looks to me as tho the $400 extra money you'll have will be very much needed. You always need to have some padding for emergencies, because there are always emegencies w/kids. And shoot, you also need to save $$ C or W, so yes, you need that padding.<P>I know how sad your kids must be to leave the home they so love. I hope your new place has enough rooms for each of them to have their own bedroom.<P>Try your best to decorate it very much like your old place, C or W. Slap on some new paint on those walls and shampoo the carpeting. Can make a world of difference.<P>I'm so P/O at your H. How can he and OW, in clear conscience, move into the home you and H worked on without any guilt???<P>This must really hurt your kids knowing this. Your H is truly in a thick FOG. He doesn't have a clue what he's doing to his children and their impression of him. So very sad.<P>And the OW is very selfish, what a preditor, to move right into your home. Absolutely no conscience.<P>Jo

Thanks Jo,<P>Yes she is a peach thats for sure. My boys seem ok with moving now. We talked and they agree its for the best. I just hope my daughter comes around some. Hopefully when she gets all of her stuff in her new room she will like it much better. Its a huge room and she has lots of stuff. There is room for all of them to have their own bedroom so that is good. We will just have to make do.<P>You know the more I have to deal with this crap the more I really wonder how I could have ever loved such a selfish jerk.<P>JIll

If H can afford it, why can't he pay his share for you and the kids to live there.<P>Does your state have decent alimony and child support?

H will only be able to afford it if she pays half. So we'll see how long that lasts. He is giving me 400.00 a month plus he pays 220.00 a month for the kids health ins. That is about all the courts are going to give me. H lost his partnership a month ago because of all of his crap with OW. So he is now working at a job that pays way less than he was making before. So I'm just plain screwed.<P>Jill

Good Gawd,<P>The more I think about this the madder I get.<P>I just think your H is a BIG FAT Jerk for doing this. I'm really sorry CorW, but that's how I feel.<P>These are "HIS" children, "HIS" blood. They love their father. He was their hero, his fan club. Doesn't he want only the BEST for them anymore. How the H%ll can some WOMAN, a stranger I might add, compell your H to betray, abandon and snub his very own flesh and blood. And she is such a lowlife bottom feeder ... she'd just move right on in, unbelievable.<P>I could just spit nails right now.<P>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited September 07, 2000).]

CW,<P>I'm sorry for all that you are going through. I have to say "ditto" to what Resilient said. My H isn't perfect and still in the fog, but he still pays for half the mortgage whether he lives here or not. His name is on the loan, and his choice to move out not mine. <P>Would you still be able to live there if you both split the mortage? It's the decent thing to do? What is he thinking? He'd rather put his kids out and move OW and her children into a home that your family dreamt of and put energy and spirit into? <P>If they don't have a conscience, they'll have nightmares in that house! <P>Take care sweety, MT

Jo- No offense here. I totaly agree with you my H is a big jerk and alot of other names I can think of also. He did this same thing last year. I had a A plus credit rating and now its terrible because of all of his crap. You would think he would have more brains then to move back in here wouldn't you? I'm going to talk to my attorney about selling the house instead. Yes I agree if he would pay half of the payment plus the 400 for child support then I could stay here but his truck is more important. So let him be the bad guy in his kids eyes. They are all old enough to understand whats going on. Sometimes they understand more than I do. Lets put it this way at what he is making now we would have had to sell anyway even if we had stayed together. The construction business is getting slow here and it would have probably been a hard winter. Still its the principle of the thing.<P>You guys make me feel so much better <BR>It's so good to have people in your corner.<P>Jill

In your situation, I agree with selling the house, if you are not going to live in it. He won't like that at all, but that is too bad.<P>I really wish you well.

Crazy: <P>Do you have enough room in the house to rent out the basement or a bedroom?<P>Why not sue the OW for Personal injury like I am doing? You can pay your mortgage with the settlement money...<P>Catnip =^^=

catnip, you mean you are really suing the OW for personal injury? How can you do that?<P>No, my house isn't big enough to rent out a room. <P>Jill

Yeah, Crazy...I should be called crazy for doing this.<P>You can read about it on the Pregnancy/Child forum here on MB. <BR>The XOW has hit me with a phony OFP and now the Judge in NY has lengthened it two more years simply because I sent her a copy of our child support appeal to her via certified mail in compliance with the laws of NY state.<P>I also called her the first week (I have phone records) she was with my husband explaining his alcoholism and how sick he was and begged her not to see him. She threatened to kick my [censored] and proceeded to see him and got knocked up their third and final weekend together.<P>She had the kid August of '99 and has sued for child support. The courts are mandating 55% of my husband's salary and we have no other alternative than to divorce and have him file bankruptcy to protect what little we have left.<P>Even though we are in recovery from all this, he is sober now and on medication for his bipolar disorder, we are forced to take these drastic steps to protect me. <P>We have proof that this was a set up be cause she thought my husband had a lot of money and she lives at home with her Mom and Dad and does not work (at 35) and managed to get pregnant immediately, we beleive to garner income shares from someone who she thought had money.<P>Even though she is a resident of NY, she met my husband in Texas at a party and insisted he join her for Thanksgiving weekend in 1998 in Texas at her sister's house. That's when she got pregnant. The day after my husband returned home, she called with the 'news' that she was knocked up. She had to work fast because she probably realized when my husband sobered up and really took a look at her, her window of opportunity would come crashing down.<P>My husband remembers her taking an EPT pregnancy test at the hotel in NY during their second weekend, too. He thought she was just playing games, blew it off and he's an idiot.<P>So with all this evidence and more, an attorney in Texas believes I have enough to charge her with Personal Injury for destroying my family, my marriage, threatening me and changing my life forever and creating all this financial hardship and forcing us to divorce to protect me.<P>We're flying down to Texas on September 22 to start this suit...wish me luck. I hope it works...most states don't have Alienation of Affection anymore, but if you can find an attorney willing to bring suit against the OW for Personal Injury...it is something I think every Betrayed Spouse should do...it's time not to take this lying down anymore and curl up and just lick our wounds. It might just be the ticket to dissuade potential OP's from getting involved with married, unavailable people with families, histories, mortgages and love. <P>Crazy...we all do what we must do...<P>I'd like to see you stay in your house...I'd make it a B & B, or take in a boarder...or a lover with pockets of money (just kidding on the last one-hahahaha)<P>It would be nice if you could find a way to stay in your house and if you can't do that, the satisfaction of bringing a suit against the OW may be just the ticket to put closure on your horrible dilemma...it couldn't happen to a nicer gal, right?<P>Catnip =^^=

Jill,<P>I can relate to what you are going through. Being someone from the situation that your children are in I can give some advise. The children may be unhappy at first and blame you for changing their lives so drastically. They are young and children do not like change. When they grow older and realize the sacrafise that you mad to make sure they could still have things they wanted and play sports and such they will come back and say "thank you". It is a tough decision to make now, but why strugle to keep them in a home where there are bad memories. Let them know that they might have to give up new clothes, CD's, nights out, and spending money if they want to stay. Give them something to think about.<P>Melanie

Hi,<P>I think if it is at all possible, you should sell the house so that you have less worries financially.<P>Although in principle, it seems good for the kids to realise the negative impact of the father's infidelity in as many ways as possible, the reality is that they already know how bad he is in neglecting the family by leaving them for another.<P>So, I personally feel that they should not be further loaded with more emotional baggage such as : he wouldn't care to put us in a decent financial state. Protect the kids, put aside some for their college/wedding/vacation or your retirement. Get the man to help.<P>I am of the view that you should look after the kids' interests first (you are already but you are a kindly soul like I used to be) by making their father work at 2 jobs if need be. I think you actually took on two jobs before - why should you when men are built like horses and tanks and have the energy for multiple families? They should be the ones to take on two or at least one additional part-time to provide for multiple families, until their wages get better.<P>I personally know of BS with your frame of mind, i.e., let him feel guilty, let the kids know. Unfortunately, in some instances, the WS have rationalised away the guilt, and in others, the grown up kids may become more sympathetic to the father when he gets older.<P>I hope pride, dignity, sympathy or empathy will not stand in the way of asking (demanding) for better terms for the sake of your precious children.<P>I am very sorry for your predicament.<BR>God bless and Loves you<BR>weep.<P>

COW,<P>If it were I, there is no way I would let him move back in with the OW. That would, among other things, really give your kids bad memories of the house. I can't imagine why an OW would WANT to live in a house that had been the MM and his wife's. <P>I am in a similar situation (except my H certainly doesn't want to move back in) - my house payment is about twice yours, and my total income including child support is about 600 more, for six children, two of them in college. Does your state have subsidized/free medical insurance for low income families? If you sold the house, is there enough equity that your financial situation would be significantly better? I wish I lived in a state that forced H's to share in the house payment - then again, maybe my lawyer is just not aggressive enough. <P>

Nellie, How do you afford it? How do you manage the insurance and utilities ect and still eat? No, Minnesota expects the father to pay the health ins, also its a no fault divorce state and if I keep the house I pay for the house. I wish he wasn't moving back in here but its the only way. I can't afford to keep paying the house payments waiting for the house to be sold and decent rental houses are hard to come by here. So as long as I have found a house and he is planning to take it all over then I have no choice but to leave. Besides we just refinanced the house in 98 so we have 0 equity. The housing market here is not good as the big employer is going bankrupt not to mention the farming crisis. So I guess I'm just plain stuck. Daughter and I had another big fight again today. I have never fought with my kids before and it hurts. I gave her the option of living with me in the "****hole" of a house of staying here with Dad and his new family. We'll have to see what she decides. <BR>God, I hate this!!!!!!!!!!<P>Jill<P>Catnip- You are one strong woman! I'll have to ask the lawyer on Thursday about suing OW. I wish I could have a bed and breakfast but I live in a small cape cod house in the middle of a rural town of 2000 people. There would be no draw to stay here. <BR>To me this house is filled with the memories of us and I need a new start. Every room is filled with the memories of the days when we worked together as a team, picking out paint, carpet ect. The days we worked gutting the walls ect and laughing at how we looked when we were done. Let him live with the memories now! Let him live with the fact that some other woman is sleeping in the bedroom I decorated just for him. I need to make new memories. So I'll live a little poor for awhile. The kids will eat well, the electric bill will be paid. They will get the extras they want. It is a pride thing. I want my kids to see that even when you are knocked down you can get back up again. I want them to relize how important family is and that you don't need a 80,000.00 house to be happy.<P>Thank You All for all of your responses. If I sound harsh and bitter its not aimed at you its aimed at the hurt I am living right now.<P>Jill<BR>w2wio- I gave the kids the altematum yesterday. It was either I work 80 hrs a week and never be home or when I am be to tired to enjoy anything or move and I cut back to only 45-50 hours a week and be home everyday. They all agreed they wanted me home. They know of the sacrifises they have to make.<P>weep- My H feels no guilt at least not right now. I blame some of that on the prozac as it can do that to people. Maybe he feels guilty and just doesn't know what to do about it I don't know. I think OW has alot to do with how he is acting these days. But that is his problem. My kids are old enough to know what is going on. It is up to them to decide what is right. I don't want them to stop loving their Dad but I'm not going to pretend that what he is doing is right either.