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Joined: Jul 2000
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I would like to conduct an informal survey concerning time as associated with recovery.
It may not amount to a hill of beans for some of you, but for those feeling hopeless as the days tick past, it might offer a ray of hope.

This may have already been a topic, but I missed it and maybe others did too.

H began A September 1998(10 month secret life)
H moved out early July 1999
D-Day late July 1999 ( 3 weeks after moving out)
H came back home November 1999 for last time, after coming and going 4 times( 4 months after D-Day)
H in withdrawal November 1999 to February 2000 ( 4 months)
Been in recovery since February 2000 (7 months to date.

This totals 26 months to date.

A brief update:

I thank God we are where we are at this time. I feel good emotions for my H I haven't felt in years and it is wonderful. I was just about to give up hope for any major marital healing for us. But for now, I see the light at the end of the tunnel. It has been a long hard road and we still have miles to travel to make this a better relationship.

Ours was a very seriously troubled marriage and still is, we are not finished yet, as I said. At this moment, I feel like a new spirit has entered my body and I have hope for a promising future with my H. Maybe our children will finally see the terrific people H and I truly are and see us as the parents they deserve to have seen for so many years.

I believe they (the children) deserve and need to see two people who love each other, heal from such a devastating experience. If and when we get to say we "survived" it will be the greatest life lesson we could ever teach our children.

I wish I had answers and ideas for anyone trying to heal from this hurt and pain. When all is said and done, I would love to become a crusader for rebuilding marriages after an affair, and I would certainly use the Harley principles as my guide posts!!!

Bless you all,
Cathy


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Married 18 yrs.

H had a 5 week flingette with a brazen hussy he met in a bar. I do not believe it had yet turned sexual and had no deep emotional involvement. I discovered H as he was trying to walk away, January 8, 1999. He has always been committed to the marriage, has been accountable with his time and actions, but hates to talk about the affair and continues to be "clueless" in general.

I had about 4 1/2 months of incredible 24/7 pain, although since no one in our life knew, I had to behave normally.

I had an additional 6 months of significant pain which seemed to abruptly end for no apparent reason about 10 1/2 months post discovery.

We are now over the 18 month mark. I still have bad days and a degree of insecurity (since affair really did seem to come out of the blue and H insists had nothing to do with me), but in general, our marriage is better than ever and I would say that our marriage is in full recovery from the affair, but is still a work in progress in potential.


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Affairs probably existed always.

1st known EA (might have been PA) 1995, we were newlyweds.

Nov 1997- today PA (off and on)

April '99- Nov '99 PA

April '99- July '99 PA

series of other encounters that I don't know about

Sept '99- separated

Nov '99- discovery of the April- Nov affair. Filed for divorce.

Nov- started going to counseling because H said it was all my problem.

Jan- H moved in with OW he's still with today and 1 other person. Denied that it was a OW. He's still there.

Feb- started talking about group counseling, but he never went.

March- this was the worst period. I thought I was literally going crazy and contemplated suicide to escape from the pain and thoughts in my head. Cried daily. Stayed in bed most days.

April '00- discovery of the April- July affair and that that OW gave birth in Feb. Truth gave me realization that I WASN'T crazy, my H was liar! Started serious reconciliation effort. Felt the truth was out and that it could be dealt with. Found MB.

May- H's roommate moved out and he and his OW were all alone! H was supposed to move back home, but didn't without explanation. Gave up on outward reconciliation effort, but was still a tiny bit hopeful. Stopped initiating contact. Made it hard for him to see me or talk to me. Got a job and started feeling less attached and more self sufficient, hopeful. Began planning a life without him. Still had that desire to "win" and prove to the world that HE loved ME and that we really did have the fairy tale life I believed in.

July- H's relationship with OW seemed to be falling apart. Decided definitely that marriage was over when he gave me an STD. Got on with life. Haven't been happier. Felt like a burden was lifted from my life! Haven't looked back.

I look at him now and feel sorry. I think he's pitiful. I believe he will always be a liar and cheater and that he never was faithful a day in his life. Our fairy tale romance was only in my head. I don't look back on our past as something warm and wonderful, but something I am glad to have escaped from. I learned a lot from this pain, but I don't ever want to revisit it. I find my H repulsive. He is a sad and lonely man inside. His life is a series of superficial encounters. Even his life with me was superficial because he really never gave himself to me. I feel my H stole years of my life with his lies. I am happy to let go of this and move on.

I feel that we really did have a chance to recommit and have a happy, healthy marriage, but he is too afraid that I will take revenge, too afraid of giving the honesty I need. He cannot admit to himself that he did all these things because he can't face his true self image and it is easier to walk away and blame me than it is to fix himself. I had enough love and desire to help him through this, but in the end he was not worthy. I feel no guilt or sadness for leaving, only relief!

[This message has been edited by popeye (edited September 06, 2000).]


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Hiya.

On Dec. 31, 1992, h. told me that he was infatuated with someone at work. I said (in my sweetest church lady voice) "No #### Sherlock, are you just figuring that out now?"

I told him if he wanted to stay married, that he needed to stop working with her, be accountable to our pastor, and drop some of his outside commitments, because he looked ready to implode. He thought I was overreacting, but since I HAD just given birth to his third child, I had a little leverage.

BTW, At the time, I was 20 lbs overweight from the pregnancy, wearing my hair in a short and practical (read UGLY) style, and not bothering with contacts or glasses because they were too much trouble. Remember, I had three sons 6, 2 and newborn!

H. tells his boss he cannot work with her on any projects. Boss #1 says he is stupid for telling his wife about OW, since 'nothing has happened', but agrees to keep them apart.

My h. was working like crazy to keep up with bills and advance his career. I was then a full time homemaker. H. had been at this job for three years.

I had been aware of his growing infatuation with OW. At this time, he was also one of the youngest deacons our church had ever had, and served in two of the major board positions. Evenings, he came home an freelanced till about 10PM. He was also in a service org., and they too, had discovered what a gungho worker he was.


1992-1997 minimal contact with OW, still co-workers

1993 His parents go through a bankruptcy in their old age and lose everything, mostly because they would not take any of his advice.

1993 his dad dies of a stroke

1996 his mom's surgery and death

Sounding like a textbook case study for MLC, huh? I am NOT making this stuff up!

Jan.1998 h. plans to change jobs,

While he is in negotiations, h. lets guard down and starts joking/flirting with OW again, because he was sure he would be out of office soon.

Early March 1998,Job falls through,

3/13/98 OW takes him out to breakfast at a hotel and proposes an affair. She gives him a hand job in her car. They make reservations to return to hotel on 3/18/98 at lunch.

Affair is off and running, nooners at cheap hotels, business trips, quickies in office.

First three months are hot and heavy, then she cuts it back to once/month. At this time, she starts back with other other man, Boss #2.

July 1998, Boss #2 finds out she is still with my h., threatens his life.

Sept. 1998 Husband takes a transfer to a branch office several hours away three days a week, buys me a luxury home, tries to get over her, but keeps up emails and phone calls to her.

Nov. 1999 Tells me he is still depressed about his mother, that it has nothing to do with me, and that he is NOT having an affair.

I can see that he loves being away from me and the kids, and hates to come home for the 4 days each week. Lives the batch. life with other single guys in branch office, goes clubbing, starts heavy drinking.

I started active Plan A in July 1998, knowing only that he said he was deeply depressed. He would only 'let' me make love to him, didn't initiate with me unless I asked, was rough and almost 'rape-like' when I asked.

I learned not to ask. I suspected an affair, but he threw me off target by telling me about his friendships with different young girls in the office.

I never suspected that it was again the OW, because he spoke so harshly about her, what a #itch she was, what a bad mother, etc. (Besides, I am a 9 and she is a 7 on a good day!)

They continued with one nooner a month through April 1999.

In May 1999, he became frantically obsessed, and started to slip up. He borrowed my cell phone to keep track of her, not realizing that my bills are itemized, and, I can check what numbers have been called that day.

On my May bill, I found a call from a hotel to her cell phone at lunchtime.

The next week, I cleaned his car for him(Plan A) and found a condom wrapper (I had my tubes tied years ago). A few weeks later, I found a receipt for condoms on his bedside table. (Hello? I am the one who cleans our bedroom AND the one who enters the charges into our checkbook.)

Obviously, subconsciously, he wanted to be caught, but she had told him at the outset that if he EVER told me that she would cut him off immediately, so he chose illicit sex over honesty.

April 28, 1999 Their last time. He is now certain that she is lying to him about Boss #2 (DUH). He begins drinking heavily every day.

He thinks his one chance for true love is gone.

Summer 1999 The lies continue, I develop panic disorder, go on Xanax. He feels incredibly guilty, offers me a divorce "Because you deserve a decent Christian husband" I refuse the offer, saying "You know the only reason I would give you a divorce, and you won't admit that."

All summer 1999, I continue counseling with my therapist, he attends only once, but confesses to her in his private session.

He thinks he can stay with me, if I will agree to be roommates for the sake of the kids. (He felt privately that he could never be happy being physical with me).

August 22, 1999 He removes his ring, I cry all day asking "What have I done wrong?" About midnite, he confesses all, and shows me all the emails he found detailing the OW's second affair. I am devastated, because I assume that I have now contracted an STD.

Aug. 23, 1999 he moves to our pastor's house.
I begin fasting and seek counseling almost every day.

Sept 1 I decide that I will offer forgiveness, if he is willing to attend counseling weekly for 6 months, stop drinking except 1/day at night, give me access to all his communications, get another job ASAP.

Sept 3, 1999. I send an scripture email about new life and restoration.

I figure either I will file for separation to protect myself and the kids, or he will respond positively. What more did I have to lose?

Stunned, he called me for a date, and moved home that night. He says repeatedly that I am AMAZING, and that maybe there is a loving and gracious God after all.

He started a new job about six weeks later. He loves his job, and has advanced like lightning there.

I stayed on the anti-anxiety meds until about Christmas 1999. He contacted her with a few phone call exchanges in December, but they were not a threat. Why? PLAN A.

We originally agree to stay together for a year to try to fall in love. He has recently said that he'd like to be a great-grandparent together with me, rocking on a front porch. He chases me around like he's 19. I have hickeys I have to hide. Sex is great, better than ever.

The resurfacing of the OW/old office issue this past week has driven us closer together than ever. I assured him that if there is fallout for him, I will be on his side.

We WILL make it, I believe. I expect more hard times ahead, but I feel like we are cemented together by all this tribulation.

[This message has been edited by alias (edited September 06, 2000).]

[This message has been edited by alias (edited September 08, 2000).]

[This message has been edited by alias (edited September 14, 2000).]


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I hope this helps some of those who are suffering so terribly...

H started A November, 1999
D-Day January 19, 2000
No withdrawal that H went through. Was mostly friendship that ended up crossing the line (once that I know of).
No contact started January 25, 2000 after she decided to call me and "apologize", and then call H to ream him out for not telling her he is an alcoholic (duh).
Have been in recovery since D-day.
Renewing our vows September 23.
Unfortunate to have such a heartbreaking thing happen, but it was the best thing to happen to our relationship or we would have been divorced by now.
H and I do everything together, he has not had a drink since January 21st, we have done joint counseling which has now moved to a once every other month venture.

We are happy. Both my H and I tell each other regularly that we have never been more happier in our entire lives.

It can happen. You can make it. We did. If I thought there would be a marriage that I knew of that was doomed, I would have said mine. Not anymore!

As I stated in the beginning, I hope this gives hope to someone. Everyone here at MB gave me the hope that my marriage would thrive, and it did. Not without a lot of hard work, but the things we do now don't seem forced. It seems natural.

--purplemag


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I probably should not reply to this as my situation does not have the ending I desired but here goes...

May 99 - Wife begins to act "strange", witholds intimacy, bizzare conversations, no reaction or response from "I love you W".

June 99 - Wife leaves to live with brother to "think things through" (What? Why? questions never answered)

July 99 - I discover evidence that wife is seeing married man - I go into denial...W would NEVER do that...

July 99 (1 week later) - Wife returns home one evening with alcohol on breath and not wearing wedding ring to say marriage is over. I ask if there is another man - she confirms. Pain is so great I entertain suicidal thoughts. I discover Harley site, read Harley books and start Plan A (however, she is nowhere to be found - no one knows where she is).

August 99 - Confirmed that wife moved in with other married man (his wife is in Germany). Learned that he is very rich and a foreigner. I start Plan B (with letter) when she resurfaces briefly to tell me she is filing for divorce. She tells me he is her "soulmate" and she is convinced that "God" meant for them to be together. (I did not remind her that God also wrote the 7th Commandment).

August 99 - Wife files for divorce. I pray that Harley's timeline is accurate and do nothing to speed up process. I wait for "eventual end of affair" as predicted by Harley et. al.

Jan 00 - Wife undergoes cosmetic surgery to please OM. When I get bill, I cannot find out what it is for (Minnesota privacy laws), but I have to pay (I am legally accountable for her). I ultimately discover the nature of the surgery from a doctor friend after he examines the hospital invoice.

March 00 - Under threat of court mandated settlement, wife and I negotiate asset split and settlement amount (I have to pay her over six figures - of course...I was the saver in the marrige she was the spender).

March 00 (1 week later) Wife calls me a "f***ing a55hole" and tells me she "hates my f***ing guts" when she comes over to pick up assets. She is wearing new engagement ring from (still) married man and makes sure she shows it to me.

July 00 - Divorce is finalized.

Today - I am still devastated and distraught. I still cannot go more than five minutes without thinking of her and OM.

Start to finish timeline => legally - 13 months, emotionally - in perpetuity.


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Married for 17 years.
Affair started May98 and was discovered as it started.
Husband never moved out but said he was just staying untill he had enough extra money for an apartment.
Althoug I didn't know about this site then, I used what was later called planA.
Things were rough for a while with the worst part coming up in August.And started getting better by the end of September.
We went to a few counselling sessions but he quit feeling that the counselor was being on my side- untrue-.
In October a very shaky recovery started.
In December Things were finally looking a bit more hopefull.
There were a few setbacks here and there, and still one more contact by phone in February. But by then recovery was really on the way.
Things have been great ever since.
COmmunication is a priority, as is time together as a couple.
I had a big problem with trust for a while which kind of vanished one day - Around March99.
Husband started helping with the rebuild of self esteem and I'm feeling quite confident now.
The first months of recovery felt even worse than when the affair was on, maybe because during the affair shock was the main feeling. Followed by the adrenaline rush of trying to fix things or get our relationship to survive.
Last summer I still had many days were memories were bothering me. Key days on the affair were still fresh on my mind and "anniversaries" - like the day it started etc. - still hurt.
This summer I hardly remembered any of those dates, and since we're building up new memories the sad ones don't really show up .
Hope this helps
Kat

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Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.


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wow, hot topic of the week, huh!

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Hey Shattered...

I was just thinking of you a couple days ago, and couldn't decide whether or not to do a shoutout to you and find out if you're still around. Dunno why I checked this thread; I don't have much of an urge to post my "timeline." I don't look in much any more; there are a few oldtimers I just wonder about, you included.

I'm very sorry with the way things turned out for you. I realize that is wholly inadequate, but I suppose that's the best I can do. If it wasn't for my steadfast rule of NEVER setting foot in the state of Minnesota under any circumstances, I'd buy you a beer sometime.

Best of luck to you... I really wish there was more I could say.

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Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die


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Timeline for Unseen2 and Khyra:

I am hesitant to talk about this because I don't want to stir up my H's anger or hurt by bringing bad memories up. But for the purposes of this board and in hopes to help someone, I will.

My PA timeframe lasted about two and a half months (estimating here). They ended as abrubtly as they began.

During this period, I went back and forth from requesting a separation to coming back to make it work w/ my H. My weakness and withdrawl and not really realizing what it would take prevented that from occurring at that time.

Then, I asked for a divorce. The papers sat in the bedroom but no one would sign them. (Best evidance of a miracle I've ever witnessed.) Left home AGAIN to persue my interests and 'think' some more.

Finally realized how horribly empty and sick inside I had become and how deeply I needed him. I knew if I didn't come back then that there would be no more US. I just didn't understand at the time how close this was to happening! So I came back home. For good.

Left UT for PA (my home state) to make a new start. H left right in the middle of his school, left a job where he was making about as much as both of us are pulling in together now working sh*t piddly jobs. Left a HUGE beautiful apartment and the only place that felt like home to him - all to try and make it work again.

I STILL can't believe he did this to be with me.

We have been in full recovery since the 4th of July weekend of 99. It's been a hard, sad road, but not without rewards.

Unseen2 is just getting back into school again - he's 31 now. He wanted to be much farther in life than where he is now - and he would be if it weren't for me.

But, he is a daddy now, and a wonderful husband. I try everyday to be a good wife - better than I was the day before. I do not miss the OM at all.

I believe that we are a success story, tho, for my H it is unfortunately a Phyrric victory. Now, it's on with the rest of our lives....

Carrie


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Met H in 1989, as we are dating he introduces me to OW, who is "Just Friends" but then I find out later from gossip he used to date her and that his family wanted him to marry her.
In 1993 we marry, she sends card saying she wished his family was more supportive of "us" and she will always be there for both of us, LOVE ALWAYS, D_____.
In the later half of 93 we are invited (oddly) to her wedding, instead of h's sister, who is her best friend?
In 1998 h is hired by her h to represent him in the purchase of their new home. Suddenly we are best buddies again.
In Aug. 1998 she and her h come to my daughters grad. party, my best friend remarks to me how she is "TOO FRIENDLY" when I am not around.
In Oct. OW announces she's made up her mind and she wants a divorce. She wants my h to represent her and they need to spend time alone together to "discuss her case". Less than a week later h comes home and asks me for a divorce, I fall over in a faint, and he's a little "scared" about how he "might" have hurt me?
In November and December I invite OW and her h (who's decided she might reconcile after h decided to give our marriage a chance, coincidence??) to our holiday dinners and parties, all the while feeling extremely uncomfortable with the closeness between h and OW.
In January she comes to our daughter's B-Day party and my father remarks that he doesn't like her and wonders about how she and my h are so close.
In end of January I confront H and make him tell me sordid details of "EA" that he is having with her. I tell him he must break all contact with her and give our marriage a good effort and that WE are worth the time and effort.
In March I find out EA was actually a PA after she gets upset with him for his no contact and tells my h's sister who in turn tells the rest of the whole family. I confront him in counseling saying that we will never work unless he tells complete truth and that since I think thinking is just as bad as doing and yet I am still here with him he should come clean, he does.
We meet again in September 99, she is 4 months pregnant with her twins, I am one month pregnant with my new son. My h won't leave my side and they glare at each other. She will not leave her h's side but yet she shows up at a "family" party, my h's family. LOVELY!
Now we are in recovery but I still haven't decided if it's full recovery or if I need to relax. Life is really good, h's communication, love making, respect, and enthusiasm for our marriage is remarkably like it should be. I am praying this goes on. I also thank God daily!

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Chick's
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You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!


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