On Dec. 31, 1992, h. told me that he was infatuated with someone at work. I said (in my sweetest church lady voice) "No #### Sherlock, are you just figuring that out now?"
I told him if he wanted to stay married, that he needed to stop working with her, be accountable to our pastor, and drop some of his outside commitments, because he looked ready to implode. He thought I was overreacting, but since I HAD just given birth to his third child, I had a little leverage.
BTW, At the time, I was 20 lbs overweight from the pregnancy, wearing my hair in a short and practical (read UGLY) style, and not bothering with contacts or glasses because they were too much trouble. Remember, I had three sons 6, 2 and newborn!
H. tells his boss he cannot work with her on any projects. Boss #1 says he is stupid for telling his wife about OW, since 'nothing has happened', but agrees to keep them apart.
My h. was working like crazy to keep up with bills and advance his career. I was then a full time homemaker. H. had been at this job for three years.
I had been aware of his growing infatuation with OW. At this time, he was also one of the youngest deacons our church had ever had, and served in two of the major board positions. Evenings, he came home an freelanced till about 10PM. He was also in a service org., and they too, had discovered what a gungho worker he was.
1992-1997 minimal contact with OW, still co-workers
1993 His parents go through a bankruptcy in their old age and lose everything, mostly because they would not take any of his advice.
1993 his dad dies of a stroke
1996 his mom's surgery and death
Sounding like a textbook case study for MLC, huh? I am NOT making this stuff up!
Jan.1998 h. plans to change jobs,
While he is in negotiations, h. lets guard down and starts joking/flirting with OW again, because he was sure he would be out of office soon.
Early March 1998,Job falls through,
3/13/98 OW takes him out to breakfast at a hotel and proposes an affair. She gives him a hand job in her car. They make reservations to return to hotel on 3/18/98 at lunch.
Affair is off and running, nooners at cheap hotels, business trips, quickies in office.
First three months are hot and heavy, then she cuts it back to once/month. At this time, she starts back with other other man, Boss #2.
July 1998, Boss #2 finds out she is still with my h., threatens his life.
Sept. 1998 Husband takes a transfer to a branch office several hours away three days a week, buys me a luxury home, tries to get over her, but keeps up emails and phone calls to her.
Nov. 1999 Tells me he is still depressed about his mother, that it has nothing to do with me, and that he is NOT having an affair.
I can see that he loves being away from me and the kids, and hates to come home for the 4 days each week. Lives the batch. life with other single guys in branch office, goes clubbing, starts heavy drinking.
I started active Plan A in July 1998, knowing only that he said he was deeply depressed. He would only 'let' me make love to him, didn't initiate with me unless I asked, was rough and almost 'rape-like' when I asked.
I learned not to ask. I suspected an affair, but he threw me off target by telling me about his friendships with different young girls in the office.
I never suspected that it was again the OW, because he spoke so harshly about her, what a #itch she was, what a bad mother, etc. (Besides, I am a 9 and she is a 7 on a good day!)
They continued with one nooner a month through April 1999.
In May 1999, he became frantically obsessed, and started to slip up. He borrowed my cell phone to keep track of her, not realizing that my bills are itemized, and, I can check what numbers have been called that day.
On my May bill, I found a call from a hotel to her cell phone at lunchtime.
The next week, I cleaned his car for him(Plan A) and found a condom wrapper (I had my tubes tied years ago). A few weeks later, I found a receipt for condoms on his bedside table. (Hello? I am the one who cleans our bedroom AND the one who enters the charges into our checkbook.)
Obviously, subconsciously, he wanted to be caught, but she had told him at the outset that if he EVER told me that she would cut him off immediately, so he chose illicit sex over honesty.
April 28, 1999 Their last time. He is now certain that she is lying to him about Boss #2 (DUH). He begins drinking heavily every day.
He thinks his one chance for true love is gone.
Summer 1999 The lies continue, I develop panic disorder, go on Xanax. He feels incredibly guilty, offers me a divorce "Because you deserve a decent Christian husband" I refuse the offer, saying "You know the only reason I would give you a divorce, and you won't admit that."
All summer 1999, I continue counseling with my therapist, he attends only once, but confesses to her in his private session.
He thinks he can stay with me, if I will agree to be roommates for the sake of the kids. (He felt privately that he could never be happy being physical with me).
August 22, 1999 He removes his ring, I cry all day asking "What have I done wrong?" About midnite, he confesses all, and shows me all the emails he found detailing the OW's second affair. I am devastated, because I assume that I have now contracted an STD.
Aug. 23, 1999 he moves to our pastor's house.
I begin fasting and seek counseling almost every day.
Sept 1 I decide that I will offer forgiveness, if he is willing to attend counseling weekly for 6 months, stop drinking except 1/day at night, give me access to all his communications, get another job ASAP.
Sept 3, 1999. I send an scripture email about new life and restoration.
I figure either I will file for separation to protect myself and the kids, or he will respond positively. What more did I have to lose?
Stunned, he called me for a date, and moved home that night. He says repeatedly that I am AMAZING, and that maybe there is a loving and gracious God after all.
He started a new job about six weeks later. He loves his job, and has advanced like lightning there.
I stayed on the anti-anxiety meds until about Christmas 1999. He contacted her with a few phone call exchanges in December, but they were not a threat. Why? PLAN A.
We originally agree to stay together for a year to try to fall in love. He has recently said that he'd like to be a great-grandparent together with me, rocking on a front porch. He chases me around like he's 19. I have hickeys I have to hide. Sex is great, better than ever.
The resurfacing of the OW/old office issue this past week has driven us closer together than ever. I assured him that if there is fallout for him, I will be on his side.
We WILL make it, I believe. I expect more hard times ahead, but I feel like we are cemented together by all this tribulation.
[This message has been edited by alias (edited September 06, 2000).]
[This message has been edited by alias (edited September 08, 2000).]
[This message has been edited by alias (edited September 14, 2000).]