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<small>[ October 20, 2002, 08:27 AM: Message edited by: SHeBANG ]</small>

What an ego!!<P>Has he had more than one A? Maybe since he is not worried about you finding things out he will answer all of your questions. I wonder if he didn't just say that as a defense for being caught. You know, protecting himself from the fall out.<P>Most people feel that their situation is next to hopeless but if you want the marriage, you can still Plan A. Join his recreational activites even if you think it is boring for right now. You might end up liking it. I don't know what else to tell you. That just blows me away.

Have you read the article at the url posted by "today" on this forum last week? It is an interview with a counselor who has closely studied infidelity for years. I think it addresses just the issues you bring up, and you may find it helpful: <A HREF="http://www.smartmarriages.com/glass.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.smartmarriages.com/glass.html</A> <P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

My husband said the same thing to me. He justed want to have sex with someone else. Isn't that special? I yelled and screamed, called him names, lovebusted big time, did the plan A thing, but in the long run...it just had to run its course. His diddling ended with him getting fired for it, the kids losing respect for him, him losing respect for himself, and me looking at him through different eyes. Your choice is to stick it out or move on. I stayed, because I didn't have the funding to go. My husband is very sorry for what he did to himself, for himself, and to us. Once I figured out it wasn't about me, it made the whole learning experience a lot easier. The pain was still there. If my husband wouldn't have come to his senses, I would be gone by now. If I were to met my husband today, I wouldn't date him or marry him. I still love him, but see him differently. It's about choices, and how much you want to take on. It will get better when you make the choices that honor YOU!

My H also said I did nothing "wrong", it was him. His explanation was "I just made a mistake" -- about as hard to take as your just for sport H. A 5 month "mistake" ???? When I asked him why he did things out in the open where he knew he might be seen, such as out to lunch, to movies, etc. he said he thought our marriage was already heading toward ending. Oops, he forgot to tell me. We were still making love and planning a future. The point is, the real problem is communication. It sounds like your H has a tough exterior. Also, I agree you should participate in his recreation, but he should participate equally in your choice of recreation.

I know just how pointless one feels when a WS throws a good marriage away for nothing. Nothing to them, nothing to you, nothing to the OP. Just sex?<P>My situation is disgustingly horrid because my WS thinks I am the love of his life, but one pissed drunk night, this Chinless Wonder Whore (I like to call her names because it is therapuetic at this point) of a staff got in his hotel room, and his bed. He was blackmailed to continue to sleep with her. For almost 2 years!<P>The A had the dramas of a fatal attraction movie, complete with threats on baby's and my lives and ended with her kniving WS and landing in jail.<P>My WS felt he needed to stay by my side to help me heal and restore, despite my kicking and beating him out of the house. I allowed WS to stay because of my baby. But on the surface and deep inside of me, I don't want him. I still am not sure and am giving it some time.<P>I don't understand the cavalier attitude some unfaithful people have with regards to their pitiful affairs. To make light of the affair seem to be a way to lessen the enorminity of their wrong doing? You may know your H better to answer this, especially if he has great faith and belief in God.<P>It is some small consolation to you and people in our situation whose WS stress that the adultery is about them and not about you. <P>What is there to change? Even that is taken away from you. I often screamed at WS that if there was something lacking in the marriage, at least I can see it (the A) coming or at least I can FIX the thing (EN, or...) now. Even that is taken away. <P>So, I yelled that it must be a forbidden fruit or extra woman missing (his father kept a mistress and he was brought up by the mistress for a good ten years before all (mother and OW) moved into same house!!! scary!<P>Sometimes one has to accept that there may be a character problem with the WS or that WS hadn't taken steps to protect themselves. <P>I am at the bottom of any curve right now because of the pointlessness of the affair. I hope you can get some truth and reality about your situation and seek counselling, together or separately from your H. Your H should also be made to understand the seriousness of the adultery for which the natural response of a loving and decent spouse are sorrow, remorse, regret, repentance and showing the fruits of repentance.<P>I hope your journey towards recovery would be shortened by your WS's recognition of how devastating his adultery was to you, and how alarming his subsequent lack of guilt and remorse and repentance have been to you.<P>Establishing where your WS is at (emotionally and relationship wise) at this moment is important so that you can be somewhat certain that he is not going to indulge in more such 'sports'. <P>Be Strong and Be Kind to yourself.<P>Try to compartmentalise your thoughts so you don't drive yourself mad.<P>God bless and loves you<BR>take care<BR>weep<p>[This message has been edited by weep (edited September 11, 2000).]

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<small>[ October 20, 2002, 08:27 AM: Message edited by: SHeBANG ]</small>

Hi,<P>Part 2 of your story shocks me a little because you are a very kind and giving person married to a selfish taker - sounds like me, a softie doormat. I see the connection between what he said about you being forgiving as well - my WS said that at first and that he knew I can find it in my heart to love him again and that I am the magnanimous sort! ARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!<P>The recent past has shown him that his reading of me was indeed way off as I went ballistic.<P>I think you know best what to do about the 6 months your H offered to help you. Maybe you can give it a try given that you have children.<P>I also feel that you should find out more about the OW - is she married, divorced, have children, etc. - this will help you evaluate as to what you husband many intend for the future or not.<P>What you are feeling is not unlike most deceived spouses. But your H's disregard for your feelings when he played the OW's messages are really in bad taste and very questionable. Does he want to irk you for some reason?<P>You are in a very demoralised and fragile state. I want you to be strong for your children when they are around. <P>You can also keep evidence and information that may come in handy. <P>It may not be easy to see your WS as a friend but that is how I have been advised to see my H, abeilt a very bad disloyal friend. <P>With D-Day, I lost all strength and stamina to do anything. No housekeeping and looking after the baby and had my WS hire a housekeeper cum nanny. When the help is not around, WS does everything. WS recognise now that he paid a very heavy price for the long A. <P>Please be prepared for the full force of your H's adultery because as it slowly unravels, the pain can be very piercing in your heart. For your sanity and well being (especially when you seem the loving and very giving and selfless sort) you have to learn to numb the feelings sometimes. <P>The process usually goes like this: shock, denial, grieving (loss of spouse through the A), anger, hatred, forgiveness, healing and restoration (oneself). <P>Your H has to really show how repentant he is through his actions before you can truly love again. It takes time for different people. But if he continues to trample on your feelings, you need to talk calmly with him about the future and what he really wants in the marriage and the children. Ask him about his value system and how he views adultery now; this will give you a clear idea of how he intends to conduct his life as a married person.<P>You are in my prayers<BR>God bless you<BR>take care<BR>weep<P>