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Joined: Jun 1999
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Hi friends, <P>It was only two weeks ago that I signed off on what I thought was my last post. I thought my marriage was well on its way to healing. The om had been out of the picture for nearly nine months. I thought we had recovered from the most devastating event of our lives. <P>I was wrong. <P>I found evidence that my wife is back in contact with the om. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] It seems her addicition is far greater than I thought possible. The steps she has taken to keep this from me shows me that her ability to decieve me is far greater than I thought too. <P>I'm not sure how I feel. I'm angry. I'm hurt. Throw in some apathy too. <P>Has all this been in vain? I honestly feel like surrendering this time. I will not start over again. I can't. I don't have the strength to do this all over again. I look in my wife's eyes and I don't like what I see anymore. The woman I married is gone. I look in my kids eyes and I hurt for them. I hurt for their future. <P>I am OK - don't worry about me. I know I will get through this some how, some way. <P>I guess my time here is not over. I must have much more to learn.<P>Thanks for listening, <P>SHA<P>------------------<BR>There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.

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Crap, SHA---I hate it when you come back for the "master's program." We really like our alumnus to stay away (and happy).<P>A call to Steve is in order. I'd suggest that you sit down and "confront" your wife, in a non-confrontational manner. Try to use the POJA to make some decisions regarding what you both should do. Your patience and love haven't been for naught, and I'm sure that you can handle this turn with skill and grace.<P>God bless you---ask Him for a good dose of strenght.<P><p>[This message has been edited by K (edited September 05, 2000).]

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SHA,<P>This really really hurt to hear. I was so happy for you. I wish I could give you some good advice, but I guess the only thing I can see is Plan B. God knows you have done Plan A about as well and long as anyone.<P>Have you talked with the Harleys? I think you ought to do that.<P>Does your W know that you are now aware of the presence of the OM in your life? If so what does she say about this? <P>Oh man! I wish there was something I could say to help or guide you. Hopefully, K will come along and perhaps he has something to offer.<P>Meanwhile SHA, know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.<P>God Bless You and Your Family,<P>JL

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I'm so sorry SHA, are you certain of your suspicions regarding the A continuing?<P>Oh I know what you mean about starting all over again and not having the strength, I feel that way about a potential recovery w/H. What if he changes his mind and comes to me to reconcile, then I have to go thru recovery WITH him, whereas right now I'm much more emotionally healthy than I was when he lived here and did the things right in my face.<P>I'm just very very sorry, SHA. I wish I could say something to make it all better for you and the kiddos.<P>Can you tell us what things you have uncovered that make you believe she's seeing OM again? Maybe it will help.<P>Jo

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I am so very, very sorry. I remember reading your last post, the song your wife had sent you, etc. She must be very, very lost in the "fog." <P>I wish so much I could say something that would lessen the hurt...I do think K's suggestion to call Steve is in order.<P>You are in my prayers...<P>Kathi

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<B>K</B><BR>Hi K. This is one education that I hoped I wouldn't need an advanced degree to move on with. I am going to think and pray about what to do. If I've learned anything from this place, it's not to act when you are feeling this low. <P><B>Just Learning</B><BR>No, my wife doesn't know I know about this rekindled relationship - yet. It's not a good time for me to think of my options. At this point, I would just like it to all be over. I'm ready to move on. I will not be settled for nor will I share my wife with another man. Maybe a separation is in order - I don't know. I need time to pray and think this through. Thanks you for your prayers my good friend. <P><B>Resilient</B><BR>I found numerous email messages from a new account she created for the sole purpose of staying in contact with the om. I doubt if there has been anything physical going on, but her messages to him are rather disturbing after all we've been through. There has also been many phone calls. She has been pushing to see him again in person. And he plans to meet her soon. I really thought we were healing. Now, I feel like she has just been pulling the wool over my eyes. It's not a good feeling. Thanks for posting to me. <P><B>kam6318</B><BR>I have that song you mentioned posted in my office. I look at it now and wonder why she sent it to me. She's lost and confused. Thank you for your prayers Kathi. <P>SHA<P>------------------<BR>There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.

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SHA,<P>You have my deepest empathy...I too had hoped that you were well on your way...<BR>You have the right idea about not reacting while you are so low...Decisions that are feeling based are often the wrong ones...<BR>I'm praying for you...<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR><P>May the roads rise to meet you,<BR>May the winds always be at your back,<BR>May the sun shine warm upon your face,<BR>The rains fall soft upon your fields,<BR>And until we meet again,<BR>May god hold you<BR>In the hollow of his hand.

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Oh, SHA [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>My heart bleeds for you! I saw this and had that horrible sinking feeling for you.<P>I am so sorry.

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I was gonna start "Oh, SHA [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] ", but FHL beat me to it... I just don't know what to say except that I am SO sorry to hear this.<P>SHA, I did a lot of backsliding in my A, even after long periods of time... the addiction *is* very strong, and starts to re-assert its pull whenever the betrayer is "down" for whatever reason. In my case, depression played a major role. Could this be a factor w/ your W? <P>Also, DMac didn't know of my affair, which I think hindered my progress because first, I wasn't accountable to him, and second, I was trying to 'go it alone' without his support.<P>But if it helps to hear it - Dmac and I are still together, and happier than ever. Remember "it ain't over til it's over" (Yogi Berra?).<P>I'm inclined toward letting your W know - very simply - that you Know; and that you are emotionally exhausted, out of gas. Knowing that she has been 'outed' certainly ought to rattle her - perhaps force her to realize that she is in very real danger of losing you. And she has your incredible love and steadfastness to compare with the OM's... what??? Not much of a contest, in truth. I hope she realizes that before it's too late.<P>Anyway, you're right to give this a lot of thought before acting. Please know your MB friends are really hurting for you - nobody deserved success more than you. I hope this turns out to be a bump in the road and not a major washout!<P>Hang in there, SHA, and let us know how you're doing. Prayers going out to you - suse<P>

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Damn...<P>I don't know what to say. This makes me sick. So very, very sorry, SHA.<P>Catnip =^^=

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SHA...<P>You know you have all our support.<P>Prayers for now... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jim

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SHA-<P>I am so very sorry that you are having to go through more of this garbage. I do believe it is everybody's nightmare [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Follow your heart and soul.<P>I will pray for the answers to come to you wisely and quickly so that you may go on with your life in whatever way HE sees best for you.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P><P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<BR>"Loyalty Is A Two Way Street"<BR>

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SHA,<BR>Is it possible she is confronting her demons? Just doing it badly & in a crummy way? As I read your posts the words "flirting with danger" came to me in regards to your wife.<P>I know how easily affairs rekindle. I know love on the part of the BS can go into hiding.<P>I don't have any advice you haven't already gotten, except...as in my story, which wasn't pretty or tidy or quick...sometimes another chance comes long after you've given it the "last chance" treatment.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).

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SHA, I sent you mail.<P>I'm so sorry.<P>Listen to suse. She knows better than any of us.

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sha...<P>question for you...how certain are you...that contact was completely broken off to begin with? Is it possible...that there has been ongoing communication between them all along?<P>So sorry for the pain you are in.

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SHA,<BR>I know it is tough but with much prayer this too shall pass. I know because I have lived through 8 maybe 9 affairs in the last 7 going on 8 years.<P>I will be praying that Satan will loose the hold he has on her. She doesn't know it but she has given control over to him. Remember the prayers of a righteous avails much. I'm sure I have misquoted but you know what I mean.<P>I can attest to God taking care of things with my testimony about this past weekend. We went to St Louis. She and the boys had a great time. I had a great time because they had a great time. She even gave me a kiss after I bought her our 15th anniversary wedding gift: a diamond anniversary bracelet.<P>I feel at times like I am losing but God reaffirms me with some scripture or sermon I hear on the radio saying, Robert, you are doing exactly what I want you to do, keep up the good work. SHe is confiding in me more with each new day.<P>Hang in there. I am praying as well even though I don't come here as often as I used to.<P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net

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SHA, I am so sorry ! This makes me want to cry gor you.<P>You have tried so hard, for so long . What everyone eslse has said about her still being lost in the fog is true. <P>Maybe it is time to let her know you are aware of the renewed contact, that may just blow some of the fog clear. Also knowing that you may not be able to stand another round of this may help her see what she stands to lose. <P>------------------<BR>Deb<P>Hepatitis C, Please educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In" TARGET=_blank>http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In</A> memory of a very dear friend <A HREF="http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp" TARGET=_blank>http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp</A>

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Oh, SHA, I am sorry.<P>Glad you're giving yourself some time to think. Suse's got some great advice...I've always done well when I listened to her.<P>Be strong, as always.<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori

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I am very sorry to hear about your setback. Your issue sounds very much like mine. I think my wife is doing exactly the same thing and we have 3 kids. I hope I have your strength to Plan A for 9 months. A question: How did you originally find out about the OM? Does this man live far away? Good luck and God Bless you

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SHA -<P>I am so sorry for you. As a WS, I have to agree with SUSE. I have times when I feel like I'm backsliding, too. It has been 5 months since I told my H about the A, 5 months since I've seen the OM, and 2 months with absolutely no contact. It gets tough sometimes - that addiction thing - but I think your wife needs to realize that she is losing you.<P>I agree with SUSE, I think you need to let her know that you are aware of contact with the OM. Try to see if she will explain it too you. I don't know how serious the contact has been - does she call him every once in a while to see how he's doing or has she been going out with him? Either way, there has been contact, it has made you lose your trust in her, you are emotionally exhausted (and rightly so), and you're ready to give up.<P>One one point during my no contact, I told my H that I just wanted to call the OM to see how he was doing. . .My H said that I could do whatever I felt was necessary to put my mind at ease - but he reminded me that "that's not what the book says" - referring to one of the books on infidelity we were both reading at the time. So, even though I wanted to call the OM desperately, I knew that I didn't want to hurt my H - he said that he wouldn't be happy if I called the OM, but he left the decision up to me. Fortunately, I chose my H and stuck with the principles.<P>So, I went 2 months without contact. And the OM calls me - I go back and forth on the phone with him, email, whatever, I never saw him, but I was talking to him. That was a really critical time for me (when I look back on it). I really wanted to see the OM -and he wanted to see me. But, then I came on this site and asked whether or not you could ever be friends with the OM, and the resounding answer was no - and now I know why. I crossed the line of friendship a long time ago, and I could never go back and undue the hurt to my H. By being friends with the OM (if I could even do that is a big question), I would only be hurting my H and my marriage.<P>I guess my point is, I finally realized what I could stand to lose if I kept talking to the OM - even only as friends. I would lose my H - my best friend, my confidante, you name it. During the A, I never once thought about leaving my H. I really love him, and after all that I have done to him and all the pain I have caused him - he still loves me. And I came to really appreciate that love, I guess.<P>But for me, and maybe for your w, when that OM called after two months, it was really hard to stay away. I think luck was on my side - because I simply did not have the time to meet with him - otherwise, I may not be where I am today - at home, with my H, getting through this. I think you need to really let your wife know that you are emotionally exhausted. . .If you can, try to give her one more chance to try and make things right. I think right now, she's doing what she's doing because she isn't facing any consequences - ignorance is bliss. <P>Don't give up on her, yet. I would approach her with the information you have and see where she stands. Tell her how you feel, let her know whether or not you are willing to work things out (and if you are willing to give her a second chance, tell her that you really want to work things out). Then, if she wants to stay, I would try to get her into counseling, do whatever it takes to keep her away from the OM.<P>It's hard to predict the future, but if you're willing to give her a second chance, I think she has to realize that you're at your wits end. Tell her that you will give her all the time that she needs, but you cannot handle three people being involved in your marriage. Hang in there. . .Just find out where she stands. I'll pray that she comes to the same realization that I did - I realized the my H was really the man of my dreams, the person I wanted to be the father of my children, and the person I wanted to grow old with. Take care.<BR>

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