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I have been away for a long time, and when I come back yours was the first message I saw.
I'm so sorry to read what's happening .
I also thought that things were really getting on track.
I read some answers regarding the "it's not over until it's over" and from my own experience I have to say that I truly bellieve that.
AN affatr is something so strong and addictive that sometimes if things are down for some reason - doesn't even have to have anything to do with the relationship - there can be some relapses and setbacks.
I agree that you should calmly and gently tell your wife you know, but also agree that it's important to really think about it first so you can prepare yourself for the conversation.
I'll be thinking of you
Kat

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Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.


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SHA,

You've deposited plenty of love units over the last 8-9 months. Prayerfully, there is enough in there for her to realize SOON what she is doing.

Hang on SHA.

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Prayers & God Bless!
Chris
For relationship info check out Marriage & Relationship Resources


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SHA-

I am so sorry to hear this, as you know it is one of our greatest fears as the FS.

I will be praying for you.

lizzie


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SHA, I’m so sorry to hear (read) about this. I don’t know what to say. But I’m here to support you. You were there for me when I was down. Please think before you act. Only time can tell if this will ever work.

I wish your W could see through your eyes and know that contacting OM would bring her back to square one and continue to hurt you more.

I’m soooooooo sorry.

OffOnOnOff


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My dear friends,

Thank you so much for your encouragement and support. While this whole thing sucks big time, it is comforting to know you have friends who not only support you, but have walked through the fire as well.

God bless you all,

SHA


WilliamJ
Bill, thanks for your help. I am trying to calm down about this and clear my head for what lies before me.

FaithHopeLove
Hey good lady. I'm still hurting, but I'm holding on. Thank you for your concern.

suse
My dear suse, you seem to know what to say to lift me up and give me hope. I thought this addiction was almost buried. I thought the pull toward this man had died. The odd part is, this om's response to her is so flipant and uncaring. I believe he wishes she would stop contacting him. I feel certain that his wife is still in the dark about this.

To answer your question, YES I think depression is still playing a major role. I though we were through it. She stopped taking her meds and seemed to be doing better. She was warming up to me again, and then *whammo* she turned cold and distant.

Suse, you are a source of inspiration. The fact that you and Dmac made it AND are happy gives me strength. I'm still pretty depressed right now. But, I know this will soon subsie and I can think clearly of the road ahead.

Thanks you for your prayers and support. I'm sure I will need your help in the days ahead.

catnip
Damn is right! This mess certainly wears you down. Thanks for posting to me.

NSR
Jim, thank you for your support and prayers. That is one thing I covet is prayer.

heartache
Thank you for the hugs - I need those right now. Nightmare is a good word for this. Just when you think you made it through the darkness, you find yourself trapped once again. I'm trying to determine if I dropped my sword during the battle. Oh well. Thank you.

Lor (Lor)
I'm not sure if she is confronting her demons or they are pulling a vale of darkness over her eyes. God, I feel like I have taken a huge step backwards. Your quote "sometimes another chance comes long after you've given it the "last chance" treatment" is something I needed to hear. Thank you.

Dazed and Confused
Thanks Dazed, I will write you an email back.

lighthouse
I know physical interaction stopped about 8-9 months ago. Verbal and email stopped for about three months. It was at that point that my wife started coming around towards me. I don't know exactly when she started pursuing this om again. He wanted to end it. He tried to push her away gently. Why he decided to start communicating with her again - I don't know. Thanks for posting.

professorg
Gosh it has been a long time since I have seen your name. Rob, I am praying. I'm seeking His will and guidance. I don't think I could live through another affair. Thank you for your prayers my friend. I'm happy to hear things are finally getting better for you.

Bozos_ Deb
Hey Deb. Thanks for your encouragement. I'm still thinking about what I should do. I kinda know what needs to be done, and I'm not looking forward to it. But, that's the way things are. Thank you.

lostva
Hi Lori. I have done well by following suse's advice too. I'm just trying to get through this initial shock right now. I will be OK. I need to put the armor back on, and get back in the battle again. Thanks for the prayers.

Gill
Hi Gill, I've been plan Aing for much more than 9 months. Things have gotten much better between us, since this originally happened. I'm hoping we can get through this setback too. To answer your questions, almost 2 years ago, my wife dumped on my all the usual things a betraying spouse says (I don't love you anymore, we were never lovers, I'm only here because of the kids, etc.) I asked her if there was someone else, and she said no. Two months later (after a lot of snooping), I found that there had been someone else for the last 6 months. The om lives a few hours away form us. I hope you don't have to experience the same junk I'm going through. I still suggest you Plan A all you can. It does help.

SKM
You know I learn so much from you ladies that were once a WS. My wife wants very badly to rekindle "just a friendship" with this om. She knows it went too far before, but she doesn't see why she can't be friends now. I think she has lost her self respect with this man. She is a strong self assured woman, except when she is in contact with him. I don't see what the attraction is. I've seen him. He's older, overweight, and not nearly as handsome as me not to mention he treats her like dirt. I just don't understand the attraction.

I am happy to hear that you are choosing your H over the om. I feel like my wife is "settling" for me as opposed to choosing me. She can't seem to break this addiction, it has a horrible grasp on her. She wants to see him. She wants to think he cares about her. I believe your actions are very much like my wife's. She loves me too. She doesn't want to leave me. She's just lost. I want you to know that your post has helped me a lot. I hope and pray my wife will come to the same realizations that you have. Thank you so much.

Kat1
Hi Kat, I'm so glad you popped in. Thank you for the encouragement. I knew there were setbacks to face, I simply thought I was through the last of them. Thanks.

Chris (CA123)
Hey Chris, I'm hanging on. It just hurts to take such a big step back. Thanks for your concerns.

alias
Lizzie, thank you for your prayers. I need lots of prayer right now.

OffOnOnOff
It is always nice to have someone support you when you are down. I thank you for that. I wish my wife could see what this is doing to her as well as what it does to me. I think she has had an awful two years. Thank you for posting to me.


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SHA
I'm so sorry that you are going though this.
You are feeling things you should never have had to experience even once.

The secrets always come out in the end.
Unfortunately the secrets rob us of our right to make decisions based on reality.

I have no advice for you. Just praise. You are a very strong, loyal, loving man. Your patience is an inspiration.


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Im so sorry. Hold your head up high god will see you threw this.

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Sha,

I'm down to lurking, as I'm travelling an awful lot. I saw your post, and I can "taste" your pain.

I do think the only way that works is to ask her what is going on and tell her how you feel. I guess for me, having tasted a really open relationship like we've been having, it seems the only way. Gosh, I freak out when he is distant for a few days, and it is usually because he is unhappy about something.

What I really wanted to share is something I've been going through not really related to my marriage. My bio-Dad and his wife have mostly treated me like dirt since I met him again at 17. For years, I took every rejection as an unworthiness in myself. It just made me want to run to him all the more and earn his approval. Only in this last month do I see clearly that it is something entirely on his side, choices he has made, and I am only now comfortable with breaking contact if he will not treat me right.

I know this is different, wrapped up with parental approval. But I'm shooting in the dark. You wondered what was behind your w's obsession. You're right, it doesn't make sense if he treats her like dirt. My h's OW treated him like a god.

We can all appear strong and self assured, but it seems most WS are experiencing a crisis of confidence (I believe it was Suse that said this on a thread).

Though Harley says we marry because someone has deposited so many love units, I know I didn't do that. I distrusted the guys who were too "nice" to me. I married the guy who didn't treat me very well. I looked up to him. And now, in rebuilding, we are attempting to build a new marriage. All those wonderful things you used to write about that you do for your w, my h is now trying to learn, but it is tough.


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SHA -
I feel your pain. I was beginning to think that maybe our wives have been going to the same school. I know that you are hurting. I really do. I am truly sorry. I am in the exact same boat as you are. I have decided that I am in my "Last Stand" Plan A. Keep your chin up and work on you.

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SHA:

I can't tell you how sorry I am to hear this news.

The strength of the addiction is simply astounding, even in the face of the love and effort you have shown. Although I am still greatly ashamed of the way in which I did it, I am very glad I completely destroyed the bridge back to my OW. Who knows if that addiction would have reared its ugly head, and I’m glad I never found out.

Best of luck to you, SHA... I know no matter how it turns out, you are a better person for your introspection and the changes you have made.

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wasstubborn
Thanks for the kind words wassi. I'm starting to feel a little better and working on how to confront her with this. I really hope my wife finds herself soon. She was a wonderful loving lady in her own right. Satan has taken something from her and twisted it in to something awful. We'll get through this some how.

tigger
Thank you tigger. God has been very good to me. I am trying to make sure I am on His side through all this.

schizzo
I will confront my wife with this latest event. As you know, there is no easy way to do that. You are right about the WS experiencing "a crisis of confidence". Thank you for telling me about your situation with your dad. I understand about seeking their approval. I don't believe I do that anymore. I give to her because I love her. She needs to figure out what she wants. I hope your H is working hard to treat like the man you deserve. Hoping the best for you!

scanman
Hey, sorry to here you are going through this too. I know I am already a better man for having been through this. What ever happens I know I will make it. I hope you hang in there too. We all need help as we walk through this valley.

WhoDat
Hey WhoDat, I haven't seen a post form you in a whiile. Thank you for taking the time to send me a line. I thought I knew how powerful an addiction was. It amazes me too at the lengths someone will go to hold on to someothing they know deep down is not right. I thought this om had burned the bridge to my wife. He tried to let her down easy. He then got flippant about anything my wife said to him. He tried another route to destroy the bond by telling her how great his marriage was going. He finally shut off all contact - for a while. I don't know why he is now returning her pleas to be "just friends". It sucks. Thanks for your encoouraging words. i hope you are well.

SHA

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There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.


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Hey there again, SHA,

Just a couple of thoughts/tidbits that popped into my mind upon reading your responses & those of others...

First of all, BEG your W to get back on her meds. A few months on them just isn't enough, especially with the stress & emotional upheaval both of you are dealing with. I'd bet dollars to donuts that depression has *everything* to do with both her distancing herself from you, and with contacting OM. SHA, this is a story with which I am VERY familiar, unfortunately . I kept trying to get off my meds, kept sinking like a rock into hopelessness and that 'empty' feeling, and kept getting re-involved with my OM to try to jazz up my miserable life!! It was the only thing (I thought) that gave me a boost - 'so it HAS to be right', huh? Sick, huh? To top it off, my OM was depressive as well, so we spent *years* just like a couple of billiard balls, rebounding off each other. Yecch. It was awful for everyone. Please try not to let her do this to the both of you... her self-image will continue to plummet at her "weakness", she will feel like dirt for allowing herself to be *treated* like dirt by OM... been there, done it all. I'm still amazed we all survived (says something about the strength of the human spirit though, doesn't it?). So, to wrap up, perhaps her OM is depressed as well, after making a good hearty start at cutting ties w/ your W. I know you don't owe him any sympathy! but I suspect they are two hurtin' cowpokes.

Secondly, this "we can be friends" thing (how many times have I read *that* on this board??)...uh-uh. No can do. Just about everybody TRIES (including me & OM) - but it just keeps those embers burning, & they're 'WAY too easy to fan into flames. Both from my own experience & reading here, I think the normal and *neccessary* progression to effectively ending the connection to OP is to go though a phase of extreme anger - "he used me, he duped me, I deserved better than I got from him, that a$$hole!" kind of thing. I think this is a sign of good healing - the BS is regaining their sense of self-respect, is no longer willing to be in such a degrading situation (and make no mistake - it IS degrading, and this can perpetuate problems w/ depression...). Your description of your W a 'strong, self-assured woman, except when she's in contact with him' spoke volumes to me.

I also think the whole "we can still be friends" thing stems from the BS's efforts to make sense out of a situation that *makes* no sense. She's still trying to reconcile, in her own mind, the disparity between the essential bizarre-ness and degradation of the affair, and the fact that she wants to view herself as a nice, rational, honorable person... so if they can just go on & have a nice little friendship, without screwing up, doesn't that mean that they're both nice people?? who genuinely *care* about each other's well-being? And - oops! - just kind of made a mistake there for awhile? But of course, sooner or later (usually sooner) they do screw up - and the cycle continues.

It's hard to describe the tortured logic that goes along with an affair and the addiction, but I hope I'm helping... honestly, it took me years to think it all out, my thoughts kind of EVOLVED as a work in progress.

I really think it's essential to get your W back on anti-deps. They made a world of difference for me, as far as relieving that awful, aching empty feeling; and also, getting me beyond that deep pessimism that things w/ Dunc would EVER be any good. You know, you may wind up with some "leverage" when you tell her what you know - maybe you can use it to get her back on meds.

I really feel for you, SHA. She truly *is* lost, you know...I am very lucky to have been 'found' before I ruined my marriage. I sure tried to wreck it! But as time passed, I came to respect and VALUE Dunc's maturity, commitment, values, tenaciousness... more & more... it looked pretty good stacked up against the craziness of the affair. I'm hoping the same thing will happen in your case. All that Plan A-ing hasn't been for naught! You've done some solid foundation-building.

She's obviously still trying to work out a lot of things, but I really don't think it's time to throw out the baby with the bathwater yet. I think in her mind, she's just trying to "normalize" a strange, upsetting, relationship and time in her life...make all the pieces fit nicely... but they don't. The only ones that ultimately will are the pieces of her life with you.

Much good luck, strength, and peace be with you as you soldier on, SHA! (*find that sword!*)

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~suse~
Rome wasn't built in a day.


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sHA,

As usual, I was not very clear. Funny, I used to be a writer, yet I stumble on my words all the time.

I was trying to guess at your w's need for approval, not yours. Just can't figure what she is missing, and it may not be so much the needs as you seem to be doing a very good job. So I shared the story of Bio-dad (I don't call him dad) as a situation where I kept going back to a man who treated me badly and CRAVED his love like you wouldn't believe. I thought maybe your wife is going through something like that.


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SHA,

There must be something going around. I found out three weeks ago that my husband's affair was back on full speed after nine months of what I thought was recovery. I wish I had some advice or comfort to give you and myself. I've been praying night and day, but God seems very far away these days. Maybe he'll hear me tonight, and I'll include you in my prayers.

Best wishes,

Peppermint


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SHA -

I think I'm a lot like SUSE - things just pop into my head, too.

I have never been on medications for depression - I'm trying to do this on my own (with my H of course - he is my happy pill ) and on my own terms. What I have to say next may not be great advice but it worked for me. . .

When I came on this site and asked if anyone knew of any situations in which the OP and the MS remained friends - well, one response struck a chord so hard in me that I was determined to stay away from the OM. . .

The person simply said "Find a friend you haven't slept with." And they were right. . .Why did I want to have a friend who almost helped me destroy my marriage? Why do I want a friend whose friendship puts my marriage in jeopardy. . .Why did I want to continue to hurt my H by being friends with this guy. . .

You know I have a lot of friends and a lot of old friends. . .I find it difficult to keep in touch with those "true" friends as much as I like - so why am I gonna talk to some loser who continues to pull me into that pit of despair. . .

Yea, there's withdrawl. . .Yea you think this guy is the greatest thing since chocolate. . .but sometimes the WS just needs to be hit in the face (literally not physically) with the reality of their actions. And it frustrates me to hear these stories over and over again - I usually recommend "Give her more time." But, I'm feeling fiesty today.

Confusion or no confusion, the WS needs to make some tough decisions. If there's anything I've learned - you CANNOT HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO. Your wife needs to decide what she wants to do. . .She may not feel 100% confident in making every decision, but sometimes, you just gotta rely on faith to get you through.

I took responsibility for my actions. I decided to stay with my H - to give it another try (luckily he still wanted me). I have CONTROL over this situation now. I choose NOT to call the OM, I choose to be happy, I choose to find the good in me and the good in others, but I refuse to be tempted by a relationship that has caused me and my H pain. Even if I decided not to work things out with my H - even if we did divorce - I would choose NOT to be friends with the OM - he's not my friend, I can't trust him, I never knew what I ever saw in him.

I don't know if this goes against the Harley way or not, but as a WS, I can say that sometimes we need to be jolted back into reality. She's got to choose, because she can't have both of you - you should be her friend - not this bozo. She can live with out this guy. . .You say she's self-assured and strong. . .it doesn't sound like it. Now is the time for her to practice self-control . . .She is confused and she probably wants to look like she is in control of the situation - but she's really not. . .It's hard to cut-off a friendship - but that's not what she's cutting off - she'd be cutting off a relationship with a man who almost destroyed her marriage.

If she is so confused, ask her to try and work things out with you first - if it doesn't work out, go be "friends" with the OM.

You deserve better than to be treated like that. . .I'm fired up (can you tell ) I know you have to be kind and gentle with the WS - AND THAT REALLY BUGS ME, too. I don't want people treating me with kit gloves - sometimes I need someone to lean on, but sometimes I just need someone who is strong and secure to tell me how it really is. . .I think sometimes my H is afraid to tell me how he really feels, darn it, I'm tired of that. How can we get better if we don't know how each other feels?

I need to go get a drink of water or something. . .I'm not going to say "Hang in there," "It gets better," or "She's just confused. . ." You're a good guy - your wife needs to realize that she needs to "take a stand on something or she'll fall for anything." Right now, she's sitting on a picket fence, eating cake - with another piece on the side. She needs to jump off and get moving in one direction or another. You know, I may not be perfect, but I'm not afraid to try, I'm not afraid to take action - good, bad, whatever. . .I've already made a huge mistake, what in the heck have I got to lose now??? Anyway, hang in there, oops I forgot I wasn't going to say that. . .HANG TOUGH. . .I like that better.

[This message has been edited by SKM (edited September 07, 2000).]


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Sir Hurts Alot,

I, too, am so sorry for your hurt and pain. You do deserve to be treated better than this! No one deserves that kind of treatment - no matter what. I am a WS also. When I saw the hurt of my husband, I had just those thoughts - no one should have to hurt so badly - and I was the one who caused that hurt. It was a very helpless feeling for me. And I wondered how I could be so mean. That is the most confusing and crazy part of all this - you don't intend to be mean, you don't really even "feel" the other's pain. Your own emotions and feelings are so much in the forefront (I know it is so selfish).

Yet, despite all I know in my head about what is right, the fantasy, the hurt it causes others - this thing still pulls me at times. I don't even understand it. I am not giving into that pull, but wonder why it is still there at times. It helps me to not give into the feelings when I remember that the pull is really something inside myself that I'm trying to fill. And then I remind myself that a wrong relationship cannot fill it or satisfy it - that is not the answer. I try to understand what I'm REALLY needing. Some of that void I believe is God calling to me - I'm missing a relationship with Him - and I need to go to Him. He is the one who truly satisfies. We need people and they enrich our lives, but no one (not even our spouse) can truly fill us up and satisfy the void we all experience inside. That is what I try to remember when I feel an urge to run back and "drink from that poisonous well".

Your wife will need to begin to understand that she is trying to fill some kind of emptiness she feels inside herself - but the OM cannot truly fill it. Just like other addictive things cannot (alcohol, drugs, pornography...). They are deceitful substitutes - disguised as something good, something sweet, but when truly revealed, they are agents that destroy and poison us.

Also, realizing the need we have inside (manifested as a pull to the OP) gives us an opportunity to heal those parts of us we may not have even realized needed healing. We lose that opportunity when we just give into the feelings.

My prayers are with you. Pray for your wife, it is hard to break the hold on a WS. Pray she will begin to see that it isn't "love" - it is a void inside her she is trying to fill.

[This message has been edited by siftedlikewheat (edited September 07, 2000).]


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*Woo-Woo-Woo-Woo* !!!! <pumping fist in air>

You go, girls!! SKM, of course you are right on the money... but that fine line always has to be analyzed & walked: "Will hearing the truth wake her up or drive her away?"

And SLW, you've learned the thing that took me (and I think takes many of us WSs) so long to learn. It's all about what's inside US (or NOT inside...) - not that the OP can magically fill us up.

SHA, how are you doing today? Please keep us posted! - suse


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Ladies, my apologies for taking so long to respond.

Suse
You nailed things so well in your post I'm starting to wonder if you are following me around?

Meds: She did get off the meds very recently, primarily due to side effects. She's tried 3 different ones, each with their own problems. But, you are right, it seems like as soon as she stopped taking them, she caved in. I think she also didn't want to feel dependant on them either. She wants to feel she is strong enough to handle all this on her own (obviously not working too well).

OM: I think for the longest time, he has tried to let her down easy. I'm sure he felt if he stopped contacting her, that maybe she would just forget about him. There were a few emails several months ago where he wrote my wife telling her how he and his wife are doing so great. I think that was a subtle message to my wife that he was putting this mess behind him. I'm wondering if he is feeling like she may seek revenge on him in some way (i.e. tell his wife). He's probably not doing well I'm sure. Wondering if that phone ringing is someone he doesn't want his wife to know about.

Just friends: Yes, that line has been beaten to death. I suppose it is a natural progression in a dying relationship. I find your take on anger right on the money too. Along with these messages I found, I also found several that weren't sent to the OM. Those ARE filled with anger and resentment. Lots of swearing at him, lots of belittling, lots of attacks on his character. She is progressing through that phase you are referring to, but I suppose she still has to travel down that road a bit further.

Suse, you have been and still are a tremendous help to me. Your insight into the things my wife is experiencing is invaluable. I know she is suffering on the inside even if she doesn't show it outwardly.

I'm doing much better today. The depression is lifting from me and my thoughts are clearing for what I need to do. I'm not looking forward to what I need to do, but I'm willing to take the necessary steps to get through this. My sword is sharpened, my armor is on, and I'm ready for battle.

Thanks you my good friend!

schizzo
Hey schizzo, your writing is clear, I just have a thick head. Your question is a good one. I don't know what this om supplies in the way of needs being met. I think she wants to be needed by others besides me. She may be thinking "OK, I have a husband and I know he loves me, so now it's time to work on my friendships." Normally, I wouldn't have an issue with this except that this particular individual has a history with my wife that is still hurting her and others. I'm not even sure what kind of need he provided prior to me changing. I don't think he ever treated her like she was special. Anyway, thanks for posting to me.

peppermint
Don't lose faith. I know this hurts when we thought we were doing so well. I think God just isn't done molding us into the person he sees in us. He hears our prayers. He is in control. He will see you through this. Peppermint, we WILL make it to the other side of this chasm. We never know what we are capable of until we are tested beyond what we think we can handle. Best wishes and prayers to you too.

SKM
You ARE a lot like suse! I noticed in your response that YOU were the one that made the decision to drop the om. YOU were the one who decided to get off the fence. As with all WS's I believe it boils down to just that - the decision has to be theirs. I can show her the path, but she has to be the one to choose to walk down it.

I used to be man who was afraid to share my feelings with my wife. That got me into trouble and ended up causing a lot of pain and misunderstandings between us. I changed. BIG TIME! Now, my wife KNOWS how I feel. At first she absolutely hated the change. She didn't want to know what this was doing to me. She didn't want to hear that I still loved her. She didn't want me to be a better husband. It made her feel guilty for what she was doing.

My wife is in a pit of despair and I think she knows it all has to do with the om. I think she is just afraid to face that right now. Your analysis of friendships is so true. It is hard to maintain contact with good friends. So, why maintain contact with one you knows hurts you so much? I'm sure you already know the answer to that.

Thanks for being "feisty". I'll hang tough.

siftedlikewheat
What a beautiful message. While the hurt still rears it's head from time to time, I have come to recognize that like you, my spouse can't fill the void I am experiencing. I want a wonderful marriage, I want to be loved and be able to love someone. I want the same things most everyone wants. But, I know that my wife is not going to be able to make me happy either. Christ supplies that. My relationship with Him hasn't exactly been stellar the past two years. That's an area I need to work on as well.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate hearing from you ladies who are a *former* WS. You help me to understand the emotions and inner struggle my wife is experiencing. I thank you for that. I admire your ability to not give in to those urges of returning to the om. I'm sure that each day that passes gives you strength to face the next one. I hope and pray you will continue to fight the good fight. Thank you so much for your message.

Thank you my friends, for picking me up, dusting me off, and giving me the strength and encouragement I need to face the days ahead.

SHA


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SHA,

Just to share a little more...like you, my husband has started making some big changes. It is hard, though, for me to accept and trust these changes. I keep wondering how I would feel if there hadn't been an OM. Maybe I would be ecstatic about his changes. But now, the complication of feelings going somewhere else and having all that influence, makes it so much more complicated. It is like I turned a corner somewhere and am having a very hard time getting back. Or like a plant that withered, seemingly beyond being able to be brought back to life. At least not just by watering. My hope is in a God who can resurrect, even from the dead. Just can't give into feelings right now and have to trust they will be directed in the right way again in the future.

In my case, my husband discovered the relationship last fall (was an EA at that point). I knew it was wrong and he was hurt, but didn't get very involved in the recovery. I couldn't make the break on my own and he didn't really understand the nature of the pull and so it continued secretly until the beginning of summer. He didn't know that - whether he sensed something or not, I don't know. He didn't ask (conflict avoider) and I was having a hard time with giving up the OM, so I wasn't offering any information. As time went on, though, I just couldn't continue with the deceit. Reading on this forum gave me a lot of help and support to make the break, painful as it was. When I did I told my husband everything. NOW he is realizing he has to be involved and make changes also (that I've been talking about for years). We are working hard together to recover. It is hard, my feelings are still not there, but I am going with my head and trusting feelings will come.

I hate battling this and wish it would all go away, but I am persevering, believing it will bring a lot of healing and good things. It will take time. I am not really out of the woods yet, knowing how vulnerable I still am. But I will not intentionally give into that pull.

My heart does go out to your wife also. She seems to be in quite a battle. It is sad we all end up hurting each other so much. Just remember, you are not alone and it isn't all about you.


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[QUOTE]Originally posted by Sir Hurts Alot:
I'm wondering if he is feeling like she may seek revenge on him in some way (i.e. tell his wife). He's probably not doing well I'm sure. Wondering if that phone ringing is someone he doesn't want his wife to know about.

Hi SHA,

I am so sorry for your situation.

I guess I have a question, and maybe the group can respond. First off, let me say that I am in a marriage that has not suffered from infidelity, but I am trying to bring around a withdrawn W, and I followed a few situations over here from the EN board and got caught up. So, no personal experience.

That said, whenever I see a situation like this, with an OP that is hiding it from their spouse, I think of what I would do. Now, I don't even order at a restaurant anymore without consulting Steve Harley, and I suspect that this strategy probably runs against his program, but....

Why not log on to her email, and simply send this guy a message identifying you as the sender, saying that you have discovered this email account, printed out all the correspondence, know his home address and wife's name, and explaining to him the simple terms that will prevent you from disclosing this to his wife?

Said terms to be, one more email to your W blowing off the relationship and demanding no further contact. Tell the OM that after that, the next phone call, email, psychic message to your W will result in you bringing his W up to speed with undeniable evidence. Any disclosure of your knowledge or this email communication to your W to result in you bringing his W up to speed.

It seems to me that it a certain way, your W may just be looking for closure.

I know, this isn't practicing the rule of honesty. And I know, if she discovers you did this, it would be a major lovebuster and she would resent it.

But, if you are basically ready to walk out the door, what have you got to lose?

Anyway, just one idea. The problem with disclosing your knowledge to your W is that brings things to a crisis point, and that she may just find new ways of communicating with the OM that you don't know about.

MB experts, blast away. I'm not advising this course of action, just saying out loud what I have always thought I'd do in this situation.


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