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Joined: Aug 2000
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Are there any betrayers out there, who sometimes feel that they just married the wrong person? <P>Are there ANY situations where the betrayer is better off without the spouse? Whether or not they end up with the OP.

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Not a betrayer, but I think the "reformed" betrayer would probably answer like this:<P>"At the time just before, during and just after the affair, I absolutely, positively believed I married the wrong person."<P>However, after the affair is over & they are again recommitted to the marriage & they are doing the things which restore the love then they say something like this:<P>"I cannot believe I thought that or said & did the things I did. I know I married the right person & I cannot believe how lucky I am to have had them stand by while I was such a (insert any rude terms here)"<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

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SAF,<P>I am one of the "betrayee's". People do not betray their spouses because they married the wrong person. That is sidestepping responsibility for your own actions.<P>First and foremost, if everyone had to leave when they had the feeling of wanting "out", there would be no marriages. What happened to committment ?

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My husband firmly believes that if he had known himself as well when he married me as he does now, he would never have married me. He says this is not my fault or his fault but just how he is. To me, this says that 31 years of marriage was a lie. He has been with OW for 8 years that I know of and it has been 18 months since he moved out for the last time. He looks happy. He acts happy. He seems to be enjoying life and doing things he has never done before and would never do with me. He is travelling and taking time off work which he would never do before. His family says he is happy. I guess he is right.

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I think my H wondered this while he was "in-love" with his EA...since he has told me that he knows I am the right person for him, that this is where he belongs.<P>FWIW, I've never had any kind of affair, but sometimes I wonder if I married the right person...I think we all have moments when we wonder "what if?"<P>Kathi

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I have to agree with Kathi. What makes up the right person???<P>I married my H when I was 31. I dated and had some, not a couple, what I would call serious relationships. I felt "in love " with a few. Maybe the timing was off. I think they felt "in love" with me too. <P>I really believe that what the harley's say is true. there are probably at least two people you can feel this way about a year.<P>The hard part is sustaining it for a lifelong marraige. It takes two people working at it and following the rules provided here.<P>No, it's not magic I think. And yes, peoples needs do change. It helps if they communicate that to eachother.<P>And there is more at stake in a long marraige with history and kids to make it more worthwhile to make this one work.<P>More often than not, people just leave marraiges and take the old behaviors and patterns with them.

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As I recall, your story is the one that I identify with most strongly of any I've read on MB. And yes, I have thought many times over the years -- not just during betrayal -- that I should not have married my H.<P>I even fought with myself on the way to the church for our wedding. I came really close to asking my dad to take me somewhere else -- anywhere else -- but I felt like I "had to" go through with it, I'd gone too far to back out. I was madly in love at the time, too, but I recognized even then that he wasn't going to give me the emotional support I needed.<P>The "madly in love" stuff took a few years to die, and by then we had kids, so I stayed for their sake. My H says he realized that about 10 years ago, but didn't know what to do and did nothing.<P>Our relationship has been really cold for the past 3 years. I asked H last night, where do we go from here? He had us split up and divorced in the first 3 sentences. Then, when he realized I was unhappy with his answer, defended it by saying that's what he thought I wanted, not what he wants. To say I'm not optimistic is an understatement. But, of course, I haven't been for a long time (about 3 years).<P>***<BR>You seem to be implying that affairs happen because you're married to the wrong partner. I think that CAN be true, but the MB principles say that a person can LEARN TO BECOME the right partner. "Rightness" or "wrongness" has a lot to do with the way you and your partner interact. Some of your responses come from your basic temperament, but an awful lot of them are learned. <P>Most of us had parents who tried to teach us to be thoughtful, kind, and considerate of/toward other people. But for some reason, we tend to think we don't have to practice these virtues toward our immediate family members, particularly our spouses. The result is a pattern of LoveBusting behavior, and it's enough to make anybody think they married the wrong person. <P>Better off without your spouse? Possibly, if spouse is abusive, chemically dependent, etc. If he's NOT abusive, etc., and IS willing to work at repairing the relationship, it seems to me that you owe it to yourselves to make the attempt.

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My wife believes it so strongly that she even told my 8 year old son that it is OK to divorse if you marry the wrong one. My son told me that when he and I was having dinner one night.... he looked up at me and said "so dad your the wrong one huh" Then just the other night he reiterated that is ok to leave if you marry the wrong one.<BR>I guess my question to everyone is what all of a sudden (or not so all of a sudden) makes a spouse the wrong one.... when you are not getting your own way? Your needs met? The trash not being taken out to your standards? He or she doesn't look as good any more? Feelings? sorry but it all sounds rather selfish to me... especially since the betrayers go out and find some new excitement, spend all this time emotionally divorsing thier spouse and when it hits... you can't just "move on" like they have....<BR>My life and my son's life has been changed forever and it is not a good change just because someone decided they married the wrong one.... ain't it great....<BR>

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There is a book titled "What if I Married the Wrong Person?"<P>I can't remember the author right now. I remember buying it with tears in my eyes about 1 1/2 years ago, because I was sure H felt that way.<P>It was interesting and had a lot in it how we view or spouse and their actions and how we communicate.

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I, for one, did not have an affair because I felt I married the wrong person. What led me to my affair was not getting needs met. When that person came along, the one who talked to me, paid me compliments and valued my opinions - well it was easy to get involved. I realize it was wrong - I should have tried harder to have my husband try to meet those needs.<BR>I struggle frequently getting those needs met with my husband so that I don't fall into the affair trap again. It is especially important since the person I had the affair with works with me. I pray daily for strength.

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This is essentially the story that my wife gave me, among other things. We never should have gotten married, we did it too soon, she was too young, she needs to be young again, etc. I know she thinks someone else can give her all those exciting feelings that get lost in the daily routine of raising children and paying the bills. Time will tell for me what the outcome is. I personally think it is all about making a choice. You made a commitment, had children, and built a life together. Times get tough, but to me it isn't the solution to leave. Anyway, I'm just sitting here wishing things weren't like they are for so many of us. As I understand it, the whole fog thing includes the feeling of being with the wrong person. Hopefully the fog goes away.

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In India, where marriages are arranged, they say that they don't marry the woman they fall in love with, they fall in love with the woman they marry.<P>... now isn't that an interesting concept?...<P>If we all had this commmitment to marriage and family and looked at this as a life journey that needs to be made the best of, if we all looked at our happiness as OUR responsibility, couldn't we all love the one we married?<P>Your choice of mate is never an excuse for dishonesty and betrayal, especially in this country where divorce is so easily obtained and socially approved.

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Yes, I have always felt that I married the wrong person. And I could have never put my finger on it. I told my best friend before the wedding that she doesn't fit into my life. And after 15 years of marriage, I have found my answer. I got talked out of divorce during about my second year of marriage. I had an affair when I finally found the my type of people (long story, but from age 13 to 28, either went to all boys schools/camps/activities or worked with all men, no women. missed the social development years to be able to judge the kind of person STBX really is. also BPD does not show itself to strangers other than immediate family)<P>so here i am with the STBX just figuring it out now, 10 years later, and I have been in the marriage mostly for the kids and the guilt of having the affair. Fair? depends upon your persective. do I give up easily? HELL, no! does my STBX believe in getting well? HELL< NO! can i fix her? I TRIED AND HELL, NO! Did i giver her everything I could? yes, did I get much back, some, she thinks tons, and it was a battle of what is our goal here? I asked, and never, NEVER got an answer. She still doesn't know what her goals in life are or in a relationship.<P>next question.<P>thl<P>Personality and values difference as well as psycho/mental illness on STBX part makes it very hard to live with.<P>

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SAF<P>I'm a betrayer, but not once - not before the affair, not during the affair, not after the affair ended - did I think that I married the wrong person. <P>I think - somewhere along the line - my H and I maybe took each other for granted. You can say he wasn't meeting my needs or I wasn't meeting his needs, the thing is, we stopped having fun with each other - we never meant too, but we started to let life get to us, instead of living life to its fullest.<P>AT the time, the EMA made me feel special, made me feel wanted. . .It wasn't that my H wasn't the right person for me (and boy am I glad I still have him). . .we just stopped or neglected to really appreciate each other.<P>Looking back on it, I don't think I married the wrong person. . .I think I could have fallen in love with any number of people, but I chose my H and he chose me - to be married, together forever. . .I'm glad I have him, I'm glad he's still with me - even though I did the unthinkable. . .But, that's just it, I wasn't thinking about how kind my H is, I wasn't thinking about all the things we have in common (values, recreation, goals), I wasn't even thinking about how much I really and truly loved my H. <P>I was only thinking about my self and how this OP was attracted to me, and how good that made ME feel. Well, I think I've finally realized that something that makes me feel good - and only me not my H - cannot be good for us. . .I mean we each have our own careers, etc. . But when I get promoted, my H is genuinely happy for me. . .When my H gets a bonus, I'm happy for him.<P>When we stopped being "us" and turned into "you and me," I think that's where we started getting into trouble. But, I never thought I married the wrong person. . .

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I am the BS. I have a say too. My H cannot decide what he wants to do. He loves the OW and cannot get over her in the face of his resposibilities here. So he is miserable. I asked him about if he thought he had married the wrong person(it was an interesting idea) and he said definitely not. I asked what changed--he didn't know.<P>I,however, am beginning to think I married the wrong man. All the dreams of security and passionate weekends(never happened,), My H ended up lazy after about 5 years of marriage, pretty soon after we began to have kis. he was 28. <P>He stopped consulting me about things that effected the family(job moves.) and he stopped being careful spending $. That always put a financial burden on me for paying bills, I couldn't spend as freely as I wanted to because i was Aware of our checkbook. <P>He started drinking more and more. As a matter of fact when I was due to give berth to our 2nd, i was constantly afraid that he would be too drunk when the time came! Now after I found out about the A, he is drunk almost every nite. Then he stopped being open, so I stopped considering him my best friend,and really not communicative. And now I find out about the A. It should be the final straw, don't you think? I thought his pride and values were unchangeable, dependable. <P>H has been weak all through our marrried life. I am tired of carrying him. I won't anymore. I didn't give up and look elsewhere, even with no sex for 2 years(while he had A.) Now he cannot even do the no contact, or make a decision about what he wants.(Fog) <P>Oh, I thought about it(my own A or even divorce)while I was unhappy, but my commitment was granite. His was talc, obviously.<P>Yes, I wonder. He may have too many changes to make. Why do I still love him? Only God knows, but i do. I just don't like him and his new wobbly values. Maybe I just love the man I MARRIED--NOT the man he is today. But my heart just doesn't know the difference. <P>Ah, my achey-breaky-heart. Did I say that? I hate that song! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

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Interesting topic. When we got married, our son was a year old, and my H had been uncommitted for quite a while. I knew I wasn't the perfect image he had as a wife, but only cause I am older than he is - he used to tell me, "I want to marry someone just like you, only 10 years younger" I never pressured him to marry me - let him do his own thing until he made up his mind. So when he finally decided it was time, I figured he really wanted me for myself, not just cause he was the father of our son. 4 years later we had another, planned child, and I figured we were on the home stretch - I thought we were pretty happy. But then around the 8 year mark, he got involved with a younger woman at work. When I asked my H how he was able to justify the A, he told me that since he was feeling vaguely unhappy and restless after 8 years, that we had been bickering more often and our sex life had decreased, he figured the marriage was dead, so pursuing a fresh relationship with another partner was the thing to do. "what about working on the marriage" I asked? He seemed genuinely perplexed, and responded that he figured if there were problems, it was time to trade in the old for a new. I think that this is because his parents divorced when he was young, and he just assumed that if stuff wasn't perfect, you just split up. End of story. The concept that we could work to make it better seemed totally foriegn to him. <P>So this is a difficult question for me. Did he have the A because he wanted one last chance to escape with someone more well-suited to him, or was it just a "seven year<BR>itch fling with someone who came on to him, that he ended up falling in love with? <P>The first thing he told me at d-day was that my age had nothing to do with it. But what about him marrying me cause he wanted to "do the right thing" cause of our child? Now he has ended the A, and although we are closer, happier etc, I am haunted by the question of whether he ever really saw me as Miss Right, and is still hanging in there, resigned to his fate, trying to do the right thing for his family, but really feeling like he married the wrong person. I don't know. I hope those of you who feel that the A just clouds the vision of the spouse as the right person temporarily, and later they fully realize that they did marry the right person after all, are correct. The doubts are killing me.

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When I had my affair, it wasn't because I thought *I* married the wrong person. I was very depressed because it seemed my ex thought I was the wrong person. I had just moved to a new place, and the OM was my only friend (some friend). <P>After I confessed, I found out my feelings were correct. My ex told me that he had always thought I was the wrong person. To this day, I really have no idea why he married me except maybe he liked the idea of being married, but not the realities of it.<P>However, I feel the same way about marriage as Popeye does. My ex stopped working on our marriage long before the affair, and certainly couldn't muster the courage to do much after my confession either. He was just another person who believes that real love means being "in love", not about commitment and effort.

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geez, im wife number 4...how many chances does someone get to "marry the right person"?<BR>


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