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I haven't posted here in a while, but I still try to follow most of the messages. My H and I are pretty much still in the same situation - we've had some bad days and some good days. For those of you who don't know, I am the WS. My A was discovered a few months ago, and I moved into an apartment a month later.

Anyway, I have a question for the betrayed spouses out there. Those of you who chose to swallow your pride and stand up & fight for your marriage - how many of you looked elsewhere for companionship (during your separation)? I'm not asking about a betrayed spouse having an affair as a result of their WS affair. I guess I'm just wondering how many of you decided you wanted to stick around and try to save your marriage, but at the same time didn't rule out someone else coming along?

The reason I ask is that all along my H has been incredible. He has been patient, forgiving, understanding, etc.... and especially loving. But what he says and what he does are two different things, and I think part of that might be holding me back (from committing 100% to my marriage again). He talks about how much he loves me and misses me (which I know he does), and we both would like to see our marriage survive. But then he will turn around and tell me how many women are hitting on him lately, and I know that he's been out on dates. I have reason to believe he has someone that means more to him than just a casual date. How can I make myself believe that we can work on this when the one "rock" in our marriage (my H) is starting to crumble, and some other lady is probably picking up the pieces?

I know, as the WS, I have no right to tell him he can't see other people. But I love him, and this hurts. If he loves me so much and still wants me to be his wife, how can he even think about dating someone else while he says he's focusing on us? I know this might sound wrong, but I need to be convinced that we can fix this, and how can I do that when he's confiding in other women? I know to many of you, that will sound.... selfish. I realize that I am in that situation myself (with the OM), but two wrongs don't make a right?!?!?!? If he's giving up on me & us and wants to start fresh with someone else.... that would hurt because I do love him and still have hope for us, but it would be understandable. But he's still saying that he wants to save our marriage.

I know the BS reading this are probably saying, "Good for you" to him..... but since I AM still his wife, and I DO still love him, it's not a very good sign for us if he's turning away from me, right? I know there's only so much a person can take, and I don't ever want him to reach the breaking point, but the "best" times for us since D-day have been when I've been able to count on him and his love, and I'm not sure that it's there for me anymore. What is going to pull me back (to my marriage) if he's not there anymore either?

I just wanted to hear from some of you who may or may not have been in this situation. I know, when the BS shows love and forgiveness, when the WS shows remorse and committment, and both spouses quit love-busting, the marriage has a good chance of surviving. But what happens when even the BS who says he WANTS the marriage to work starts looking elsewhere?

I don't blame him for wanting to be with someone else. I don't really like myself too much these days, and *I* wouldn't want to be with me either. It's like I've read on here before - a WS is like an alien being until they come out of the fog. I'm not writing this to judge him or throw stones. I know more than anyone how much he deserves to be happy. But it just really hurts when he talks about how lonely he is, how much he wishes he had me to do things with, how much he wants US to be happy again, etc... and then I find out that he DOES have someone to spend time with, and it's not me.

What a tangled web we weave....

lost_in_love
p.s. my H also lurks & occasionally posts here, and he told me yesterday that he didn't want to post anymore because he didn't want to "publicize" us any more than we already have. So, SS4N, I'm sorry if this bothered you - I just really needed some opinions or advice on this.

[This message has been edited by lost_in_love (edited September 18, 2000).]

[This message has been edited by lost_in_love (edited September 18, 2000).]


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After reading my message, I realized that it sounds like I'm expecting my H to "save" our marriage all by himself. I'm not. I'm realistic and know that it is going to take both of us, and a lot of tough decisions on my part.

The reason for my post is that I don't know how anything CAN be saved if, now, both of us aren't sure about it?


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Dear lost-

I am sorry, but I have no sympathy for you. You have probably broken it off with the OM, but you did not move back in. You did not start filling up his love bank again.

Your BS has EN's too. Do you think that after feeling the constant rejection from the WS, that when affection is offered that it will be turned down? You were comfortable in the knowledge that you could return at any time. Now you know that there is a real time limit on these things wether we set them for ourselves or not. Living, giving love and support to the ones we love, is the BS trying to rekindle that marriage flame. Eventually, when that is not returned, and it is offered from someone else, our natural need to be cherished overcomes our brains saying, "NO, Plan A..." Self esteem does suffer incalculable amounts. The offer of care or affection helps raise the esteem again. They feel human again.

This is often the cause of the WS affair in the first place. I think it was in my H's case. I did it unintentionally, of course. Since he doesn't talk about his needs or feelings, they went unchecked until he had an offer from an admiring W. He jumped in with both feet.

His A is still going on,even though it is mostly by phone as she lives across country, but it is still daily rejection. He talks to her, but he won't share with me. I Plan A...even though it is killing me...

I cherish every compliment, and every hug and every peck from female and male friends alike to help me feel human still. My kids too!!!!

I know I was hard, but truth is sometimes hard to hear. But it is best to have it anyway.


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quote:
Originally posted by burnedspouse:
Dear lost-

I am sorry, but I have no sympathy for you. You have probably broken it off with the OM, but you did not move back in. You did not start filling up his love bank again.


burnedspouse - thank you for your reply. I honestly am not looking for any sympathy. I haven't ever asked for that from my H, and I certainly wouldn't expect it here.

I was just trying to get some opinions on whether or not my H is moving on and just not saying so. That's why I wrote "I don't blame him if he has found someone. " I just wanted to know if there were any other BS out there who may have turned to someone else (for whatever, not necessarily sex) while at the same time continued to want their marriage to work.

Now I know that I shouldn't have posted this here..... it came across the way I hoped it wouldn't.

I guess it's true that some things are just better left unsaid.

lost_in_love


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lost_in_love:

Congrats to you for wanting to work on your marriage!!!!


I hope you understand not all BS feel as burnedspouse. I am a BS and recently had a 2nd discovery. My take on what you are asking is this:

At first I felt hurt, anger and pain. I wanted to correct our mistakes to make our marriage work. I plan A’ed my husband and it now shows since he is wanting to work on our marriage this time. I am sure your husband has felt the same emotions as well. A lot of things go through your mind and very confused.

I see you moved out, it is possible to move back, because it would be better to be home and to work on the marriage. But it is possible to make it happen even in separate living places.

During the rebuilding of your marriage both need to protect yourself from outside help, except from counseling or friends from the same sex. A lot affairs start from listening about problems in a marriage and the affair starts. This is how my husband affair started.

I feel you should commit 100% to the marriage, because maybe your husband sees you are not and feels like you really don’t want to have the marriage.

Your husband needs to be reassured a lot now, because he is in a lot of pain.

As far as women hitting on him, well that happens he will need to protect himself from letting them into his heart. I have had several men hit on me as well, but I felt the line would be crossed if I would take them up on their offer. As you said two wrong don’t make a right!!!!!!!

Spend all the free time you can with your husband and do little things for him without him asking. You both have to want your marriage!!!!!


Good luck
Judy


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quote:
Originally posted by lost_in_love:
Now I know that I shouldn't have posted this here..... it came across the way I hoped it wouldn't.

I guess it's true that some things are just better left unsaid.

lost_in_love


It came across the way it did because that is the ugly reality of it. And "leaving it left unsaid" doesn't change the truth of it.

If you are serious about rebuilding your marriage, then go back home and get busy. Both you and your H need to be concentrating your emotional resources on each other.

Make your choice. It sounds like he is inviting you back into the marriage, but not sitting there like a sad little puppy if you choose not to. He WILL move on with his life.

If you want to see how sincere he is about inviting you back into the marriage, take him up on it!

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But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.
Galatians 5:22-23


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quote:
Originally posted by lost_in_love:
The reason I ask is that all along my H has been incredible. He has been patient, forgiving, understanding, etc.... and especially loving. But what he says and what he does are two different things

I know, as the WS, I have no right to tell him he can't see other people. But I love him, and this hurts. If he loves me so much and still wants me to be his wife, how can he even think about dating someone else while he says he's focusing on us? I know this might sound wrong, but I need to be convinced that we can fix this, and how can I do that when he's confiding in other women? I know to many of you, that will sound.... selfish. I realize that I am in that situation myself (with the OM), but two wrongs don't make a right?!?!?!? If he's giving up on me & us and wants to start fresh with someone else.... that would hurt because I do love him and still have hope for us, but it would be understandable. But he's still saying that he wants to save our marriage.


I am a BS and I don't know if I'm misreading what you have written or not, but it sounds to me like you're not sure you want your husband, but you don't want him to be with anyone else either, the old "I don't want you, but I don't want anyone else to want you either". That is not fair to anyone concerned. You don't say for certain in your post if you are still involved with the OM, I get the feeling that you still are. If you are unwilling to give the OM up and move back home, why are you putting these superhuman expectations on your husband. If you really want to work on and save your marriage, then give up the OM and move back home. "Two wrongs don't make a right", this is a very true statement, but you are using this statement as justification for what you are doing.

I AM still his wife, and I DO still love him, it's not a very good sign for us if he's turning away from me, right? I know there's only so much a person can take, and I don't ever want him to reach the breaking point, but the "best" times for us since D-day have been when I've been able to count on him and his love, and I'm not sure that it's there for me anymore. What is going to pull me back (to my marriage) if he's not there anymore either?

lost_in_love does this above quote sound very logical or reasonable to you? You don't want him to reach the breaking point, yet you still see the OM and live apart from your husband, how can you not expect him to sooner or later reach a breaking point? You want to be able to count on his love being there for you, but what are you doing to make sure that this happens, what are doing to keep his love alive, what are you doing to keep him from reaching the breaking point? How are you going to pull yourself back into the marriage, it's not your husband that is hindering this for you, it's you. I'm not trying to slam you, I'm just trying to get you to see that maybe you are being unreasonable in what you are expecting at this point in time.

But it just really hurts when he talks about how lonely he is, how much he wishes he had me to do things with, how much he wants US to be happy again, etc... and then I find out that he DOES have someone to spend time with, and it's not me.

I am trying hard to understand you, but I admit that I am having a very hard time doing so. Your husband is telling you that he is lonely, how he wants to do things with you and how he wants you two to be happy. If he feels this way then obviously you are not doing anything to make him feel differently, but you get upset because he isn't sitting around the house waiting for you. I'm trying to be as nice as I can, but you are the one destroying this marriage. If you want your marriage to work, then why aren't you doing something about your husband feeling lonely, why aren't you doing things with him, why does he have the time to do things with other women, is it because you are off busy being with the OM?

If you don't come out of this and start behaving like a woman that wants her husband, that wants to save her marriage, then it will be you that will be at fault.

Please WAKE UP!!!


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[QUOTE]Originally posted by F A:
"Two wrongs don't make a right", this is a very true statement, but you are using this statement as justification for what you are doing.

I'm not using anything for justification. I make no excuses and take full responsiblity for what I have done.

lost_in_love does this above quote sound very logical or reasonable to you?

Ok - how many WS are "logical" or "reasonable"?? I was really just looking for someplace to express my feelings and ask some opinions from people who may have been in the same place. I can see now that there is no way to do that - all I've done is create a lynch mob because everyone thinks I'm feeling sorry for myself.

are being unreasonable in what you are expecting at this point in time.

What part of my post said anything about expectations? I don't "expect" anything from him except what he says or does. If he says one thing and does another, how can I not question that?

why does he have the time to do things with other women, is it because you are off busy being with the OM?

No - the OM is over 1000 miles away and I've only seen him twice. I do spend time with my H, but he works shift, so our free time doesn't always coincide.

Sorry if I've ruffled a few feathers with my ramblings.

lost_in_love


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lost_in_love - calm down, no ruffled feathers here, I'm not trying to come down on you, I am trying to understand what it is that you want. In your original post, it was unclear whether or not you were still seeing the OM.

You expressed your feelings as you have every right to do, but you also asked for opinions from BS and you are getting them. I don't think you are feeling sorry for yourself, I think that you are very confused and thinking illogically and irrationally right now, and I was just trying to use your quotes to point that out to you.

You ask what WS is logical or reasonable, to me, to even ask that question seems as though you are trying to justify your actions by saying that "all of us WS are illogical and unreasonable, so cut me some slack, I can't help what I am doing", and I simply don't agree with that if you are able to ask the question.

You say that you don't have any expectations, yet that is exactly what you are saying when you say you question your H saying one thing and doing another. What I was trying to get you to see in my original response was that you play a huge part in what your husband is doing. If you don't want him to feel the way that you say that he does, then why not do something about it? If you are not seeing the OM anymore, do you maintain contact with him? If you want your husband and your marriage, why haven't you moved back in with him, giving him something to hang his hat on, giving him something to be inspired about.

You asked for the opinions of BS,and I am just one of many, but if my W would have moved out, maintained contact with the OM and seemingly disregarded my feelings of loneliness and wanting to be with her, I too may have sought companionship with someone else. If your husband's contact with others is that bothersome, what are you willing to do to meet his needs, from your posts it sounds like he is doing what he can to bring you back. All I'm asking you is this.....Are you doing ALL that you can to make it work?


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Ok, I feel like I must interject here. (Yes, I am L_I_L's husband) I would do anything to save my marriage. I have tried everything to save my marriage. I am STILL trying to save my marriage. My wife has not ended her affair.

I HAVE been to dinner and a movie a couple times, with other women. No repeat dates....no intimacy. I have not been unfaithful, I have not spent the night with another woman since before I met my wife. I have no wish to do that. I have talked/chatted quite a bit with a few other people, mostly divorced women. It helps to cope and have an understanding ear, sometimes. (Which ironically, is how my wife's affair started, I think)

There is one that I dated, who I do like, but she has taken a much bigger like on me then is permissable. I have clearly told her that I still want my marriage, but she is still pursuing me. I have been tempted....I am human. But I have not given in.

I know I shouldn't even talk to her, but just talking helps to fill the huge void left when my wife moved out on me. If she would end this thing with the OM, I would love to start repairing our marriage. But she has to make that step first.

I miss my wife, and still love her more than anything, but I still haven't seen her make any step towards us. I need that, I need something to work/focus on, but her contact with OM hurts me so much.

SS4N


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{{{Lost}}}:

I am so sorry for the pain you are in. I hope that you can find your way soon.

I am a little confused about your post: what is preventing you from moving back home? Is it because you are not sure about your marriage or is there something else?

As far as your husband finding someone else to confide in, I'm sure it must hurt you a great deal. I know I hurt every time I think of my H confiding in the OW. One of the first things I wanted to hear was what they said about me.

Just because he is telling you how many women are hitting on him does not necessarily mean that he does not want to be with you. It is a terrible blow to the ego when one's spouse has an affair, and telling you that other women are hitting on him may be his way of saying, "See? I am attractive." It is not a good thing because it is hurting you, and thus is a love buster, but it may have its roots in insecurity.

My question to you is this: if you found out that your husband was in the midst of an affair, would you still try to save your marriage?

If the answer is no, then I think you should proceed with divorce proceedings and let both of you get on with your lives.

If the answer is yes, I think you should move back home and try to save your marriage with all your heart.

Good luck to you, lost. I hope you find the right path.

All the best. --HBC


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SS4N:

Filling the void, a question: Can you do that with another male, not a female?

I am glad you have not given in, that says a lot (to me), since the same thing has happened to me and I no longer turn to my male friends to vent. I see how easy if would be to cross the line.

Keep being strong!!!

Judy


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lost_inlove,

You have some interesting questions here and I will try offer my perspective on what your asking.

quote:
Those of you who chose to swallow your pride and stand up & fight for your marriage - how many of you looked elsewhere for companionship (during your separation)?
Not me. However, one thing we all need to understand is that ANY of us could fall for someone else when are needs aren't being met. A betrayed spouse is certainly vulnerable to an affair themselves. I choose to fight for my marriage and I'm still fighting. Trying to win back your wife in the face of adversity is by far the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I don't know your whole story. I don't know what you've done to save your marriage or what your H has done. It looks like you both have the potential of recovering. Your desire to be here asking questions says a lot.

quote:
I guess I'm just wondering how many of you decided you wanted to stick around and try to save your marriage, but at the same time didn't rule out someone else coming along?
As a betrayed spouse, the thought of working on my marriage and yet leaving myself open just in case someone else comes along is a contradiction in my mind. How could I give my marriage everything I have? How could I focus my attention on my wife and her needs? How could I know I gave it all I could? The answer is that I couldn't. You are either focused on recovering, which means finding what went wrong in the marriage, correcting bad behaviors, eliminating outside influences that are distructive to the marriage, creating a loving atmosphere, and giving of yourself to your mate. Anything less and you aren't trying very hard.

quote:
How can I make myself believe that we can work on this when the one "rock" in our marriage (my H) is starting to crumble, and some other lady is probably picking up the pieces?
YOU can be the one to take full control! If your still with the OM, end that relationship now. Sit down with your H and write your no contact letter to the OM. You can't hope to save your marriage if he is still in your life. Move back in with your H. Try filling out the EN questionaire together. Take the first step toward recovery. Give your marriage the highest priority. Seek help when you feel you may falter. Ask your H what you can do to be a better wife to him. Spend time together. Start dating again. It's a long road. A very long road. But, the fruits of a long term marriage are there for the taking.

quote:
But I love him, and this hurts. If he loves me so much and still wants me to be his wife, how can he even think about dating someone else while he says he's focusing on us?
I don't know. Maybe he is angry with you. Maybe he has a passive agressive nature and wants you to feel some of the pain he has felt. I know it hurts. We all know it hurts. YOU stay focused on the marriage. Perhaps if he knows you are giving it your best, he will too.

quote:
I know this might sound wrong, but I need to be convinced that we can fix this, and how can I do that when he's confiding in other women?
Well, maybe he needs conving too. If he still knows you are in contact with the OM, what have you given him that makes him believe you are going to be there? It's a double edged sword. Take the first step, and hopefully he will follow. If you both wait for the other person to show commitment, your marriage is doomed.

quote:
but two wrongs don't make a right?!?!?!?
Right.

quote:
I know the BS reading this are probably saying, "Good for you" to him..... but since I AM still his wife, and I DO still love him, it's not a very good sign for us if he's turning away from me, right?
I'm not saying good for him. I think everyone here wants to see all marriages succeed. Your husband may be losing faith in you giving the marriage a chance. Drastic times require drastic measures. Sit down with your husband and tell him your relationship with the OM is over - period! Tell him you are ready to give the marriage everything you have. Good comunication was never a reason for divorce.

quote:
What is going to pull me back (to my marriage) if he's not there anymore either?
Your desire to stand my your commitments. We all fall. We all make mistakes. How we recover from them is the true measure of our inner self. You don't want to look back and wonder if you gave your marriage everything you could. You want to look back and KNOW you did your best. No regrets.

quote:
I don't really like myself too much these days, and *I* wouldn't want to be with me either.
Time to pull yourself together. Time to forgive yourself. Giving your marriage your best will rasie your self esteem. Give all you can - the rest will be up to him.

Best wishes,

SHA

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There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.


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lost-in-love
I think it is entirely possible for your H to want to save your marriage but still be seeing other people. It depends on what you have been telling him and showing him.

Do you remember how your A with OM started? Chances are, you didn't start out with destroying your marriage in mind, but seemingly innocent chats lead into other things....

Was the reason for your A because your most important ENs were not being met? Are you meeting your Hs ENs?

My guess would be that your H wants the marriage to work, but you have not committed to that by establishing no contact with OM. Until you do what needs to be done with your OM, what he wants is irrelevant. The ball is in your court. But remember- an A affair can happen with him just as it did with you- not intentional in the beginning.

If you want your marriage to work, cut off contact with OM, move back home, and commit to your H and the marriage.

I think that you will find that most of the BS on this board have read a lot about infidelity and are committed to making our marriages work. We have been educated about how vulnerable we are at this time and take precautions so that we do not get involved with another person while we are working the marriage. I know that if I had not read as much as I have about affairs and found a way to explain my Hs behavior, we would be divorced by now. Is your H aware of the concepts on this board?


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There seems to be a discrepancy here -- you say the A is over, your H says it's not. He needs to be convinced that it IS over (assuming that it really is) and that you are committed to rebuilding your relationship.

Most of the posters here seem to be BS, and it seems like the BS usually gets stuck doing the bulk of the work to get the marriage back on track. It's easy to get the impression that that's how it's "supposed" to be. I don't see how it can work unless both of you are working on it.


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L_I_L......

I want to say one thing....for the whole world to see (or at least the die-hards in this little corner of the world) I LOVE YOU!!!

I know you are afraid to commit towards us, because you are in love with the OM, and you are afraid of the pain that breaking it off will bring you. I know you probably fear there are things you have done, that I can not forgive you for. I can. I have. YOU have to forgive yourself. We made vows, and I recall them being till death does us part, not "til one messes up and we throw in the towel". You are my wife, and no matter what we do, that is who you are to me. None of how we came to be as a couple is ordinary. It will take lots of hard work, but if you believe in us half as much as I believe in you, we will make it through this, and come out stronger for it.

To all listening/looking/lurking.....I have been a good husband. I have done Plan A....tried Plan B.......sucked it up and kept dealing, through emotional pain that only my fellow BS's can understand. Because I love my wife.

I want to sound a warning bell to all the BS's out there. I love my wife more than anything, and she knows that. But recently I became very fed up and started to be numb with our situation. I started to talk to some people...a lot of them women. There was one that seemed to make me feel just a little better when we talked.

My wife took a trip recently, and for whatever reason, chose to not tell me the truth about where she was going. I discovered this, and immediately assumed she was with the OM. She says she was not. In a fit of anger, and emotional distress, I REALLY turned to this other person.

I have been to dinner twice and a movie once, with this OW. Notice I said OW, because I realize that it could have very easily become that. I do like her, but she has taken an immense liking to me, to where she is actively persuing me. It flattered me, but I do not love her. To make matters short, I almost had what I now realize would have been a retaliation affair. I felt like, If my wife can keep meeting OM, and having a grand old time, I got a nice woman here, more than happy to take care of me.

I only love my wife, but after being out of communicatiion for almost a week, I was getting ready to commit the big physical A myself, and I hate that I could even think it. I am not in love with anyone else, but my anger and sadness almost got the better of me. I hate that I can be weak enough that when a nice woman showed interest, I almost took the bait.

I am trying to recommit and redouble my efforts to win my wife back, but I NEED you to commit to us, L_I_L. You know you are welcome in my heart and our home. If you want our marriage to survive, I NEED you. You have to make the step back.

Lost_In_Love......do not stop posting. It is good to get things out, and if we aren't in counseling, maybe this is ok. I want us to get through this. I want you back. I love you!

SS4N


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quote:

Lost_In_Love......do not stop posting. It is good to get things out, and if we aren't in counseling, maybe this is ok. I want us to get through this. I want you back. I love you!

SS4N


I just have one word - WOW!!! {{{{{SS4N}}}}}

You are my best friend, my champion, my husband. I love you and pray that I find the strength to do what I need to do so I don't lose you.

Thank you for your beautiful post.

lost_in_love


Joined: Aug 1999
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lost_in_love - From reading what your husband has posted, and being a BS, I can tell you that your husbands loves you, please don't blow this opportunity, break off all contact with the OM and Go Home.

Joined: Aug 1999
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LiL,

I have posted to you and SS4N before. I must say I am amused (in a very sad way) to read this post. And to my surprise, I almost understand where you are coming from with it.

But I do have a problem, actually having read the material here and a Harley book or so, I shouldn't. You say you love your H, but you also love OM and you don't want to hurt OM.

So you are in love with two men, one of which you don't want to hurt, OM. Yet you question whether your H loves you because he dated other women and one in particular has taken a real liking to him. IF you can love two men, why couldn't he?? In fact, he doesn't love the OW, he only loves you. Do you see the irony here?

Now, I think, I understand where you are coming from. You are having your needs met by each man and you are afraid that either one of them cannot meet all of your needs. So you have kept both of them on a string.

I have one piece of advice for you. Make a choice or the choice WILL be made for you. Now interestingly, you can choose either man. But if you wait for the choice to be made for you, there are three possibilities: 1. Your H leaves and you get OM. 2. OM leaves and you get H, or the most likely 3. You will lose both men.

You may not realize it but you are closer to # 3 than you realize. You H is still in love with you, but your seeing and communicating with OM is killing it. H is trying to keep it alive, but you are killing it with overt actions and covert actions. Meanwhile, your OM is sitting 1000 miles away in TX. He will begin to lose love, and may well find another woman to meet his needs, he isn't married.

LiL you are killing the love of both men and you know it. I suspect that is why you are panicing abit. You cannot make a decision and it is now clear that your H isn't a troll and other women find him attractive. He knows you don't find him attractive, but you need him to ease your conscience and meet some needs right now. You don't want to appear bad, but you have deserted him. You live apart and communicate with OM with impunity.

All of these things are your choices, but the time is coming when the other two in this threesome will be heard from and the odds are very high it won't be good news for you. In fact, if you chose OM, the odds are about 3% you will be successfully married to him.

So LiL, I am not a betrayed spouse nor am I a betraying spouse, but I do know the statistics and I have some idea of human nature. You now have an H that wants to work on the marriage and rebuild it in the worst way. That attitude won't/can't last, and you have choices to make.

So please think about them and make a decision before the others involved start making their decisions. You are a very lucky woman, LiL, I just hope you wake up and realize it soon.

God Bless you and SS4N,

JL


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quote:

He knows you don't find him attractive, but you need him to ease your conscience and meet some needs right now.

I would like to thank everyone for their replies - especially SS4N. As much as I regretted posting on here again, his message to me made it all worthwhile.

Just Learning - thanks for your post as well. I do have to reply to the above quote from your message, though. I have NEVER said anything about not finding my H attractive. If anything, his behavior and love toward me since all of this started have shown me just what an incredible man he is - inside and out. If he had not acted the way he has, I would have been long gone. His patience, love and understanding are what have kept me here instead of running to the OM. Even my H will tell you that if he had not decided to fight for me, I sure as heck wouldn't have - at least not until it was too late.

I have never badmouthed him and my love for him grows with each day that he continues to amaze me. You are right - I do have to make a choice. I have nothing but good feelings about my H. And contrary to what you said, having him around does not "ease my conscience". I don't know where you got that from. Seeing him, talking to him, feeling his love - all of that makes me feel even more unworthy of him. But I am determined to forgive myself, as he has forgiven me, and make the right choices to get my marriage back on track.

lost_in_love


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