Part 1<P>[QUOTE]Originally posted by peppermint:<BR><B>Hey Dylan,<P>[b]Let me ask for your honest opinion on this. After dday #1, I did the typical woman thing (wondered if this was my fault; felt inadequate; let the pain completely dominate my life, etc.)</B><P>see Peppermint, I too did the typical woman thing...of course, I was helped along by Deut telling me it <B>was</B> my fault (only for the first few days, then he 'changed' his tune...but the story (it was only twice, no emotions etc..)then changed too...sigh)...but, I think the fact that he was so cruel at first and said it was because of me etc, that a kernel in my mind opened up and accepted it as truth and has yet to let go...I <B>still</B> feel inadequate, and the pain no longer dominates my life...but it is still such a large part of my everday life...Deut has no idea the extent of that daily pain...it has lessened, but I still think there is something wrong with me...maybe I'm just not wife material..it also did not help that OW was this gorgeous 'stacked' porn-thing...the visuals are no longer in technicolor, but the 'porn-queen' visions won't go away...even when we are alone in bed together...to this day...<P><B> He made lots of promises, but almost immediately began neglecting them (wouldn't write a no-contact letter, wouldn't read Surviving An Affair, wouldn't do the POJA, rules of honesty and time, etc.)</B><P>oh, the promises I got.....as to the letter, OW hated Deut by the time d-day came around..or shortly thereafter..so our no-contact letter was met with hate, hostility and all-out threats from the bimbette...I threatened her with a cyber-stalking and harrassment suit....so our full last contact of any kind was Feb. 1999...the principles used at this site just never 'caught on' with Deut...POJA...??????? what's that ...LOL..Deut thinks it a kind of beverage...the 4 rules??...he just didn't 'get into it'...he too has yet to read a book or anything about any of this...even though we own Harley's 'Lovebusters, Hendrixs' 'Getting the love you want', mars and venus, etc....I would say that there has been VERY little of that kind of 'marriage work' being done by Deut.<P><B> I let it slide because I didn't want to nag him right back to the other woman (gotta watch those lovebusters, you know). Oh, I had my bad moments, but all in all, I let him off the hook pretty easily. Now I think I was TOO easy on him.</B><P>you would have to ask Deut his opinion on my behaviour....I feel I let many things slide...but not just because it might throw him right back at her, oh no...much deeper than that...I think looking back now, that it was more of a question of not being a b!tch, not letting him see that side...I mean, god/goddess forbid that I really be the 'b!tch' he thought I was...the b!tch that he used to justify and rationalize his affair....god/goddess forbid that he be <B>right</B>....that he had a point, that it was my fault..that I had driven him there...that he had an affair because I was so unliveable-with...I radically altered my behaviour at first...I pulled a '180'...I did the complete opposite of anything I would normally think of doing...my gut instinct told me to pack and leave...I had an appointment the day after d-day to see some apartments..I mean, I was on my way out the door, ladies...I found a guy with a van that could move me, etc...I did indeed have a plan..I was going to take control of my life, get hold of my self-respect and self-esteem and leave that sorry-as$ son-of-a-cheater...I had been so unhappy for so long...he never seemed to be involved in our marriage..in our lives...I felt so neglected and began to shut down.....we neglected each other, and to each other, seemed to no longer care..the affair, to me, was a punch in the face...but I stayed...he got down on his knees and hugged my legs and asked me to not leave him (he knew nothing of the apartment and moving plan..if he reads this, it may be the first he knows of it)....at times I think I was too easy on him, at other times, I may have been too hard on him (over-reacting to that messge board incident for example)...<P>but overall, think about it...these men have an affair, we 'freak' (and all that entails), over-compensate for awhile, stroke their egos, give them the wifely version of the OW drug, bite our tongues,walk on eggshells around them, watching our words, our temperments, and the releasing of our hurt.... they get comfy, they too, are unsure of what exactly is 'going on', but they are getting treated really well for what they have done, so why look the gift horse in the mouth?...without care and a plan though, the same old pattrns start re-emerging minus the OP, but we bite our tongues lest we drive them away <B>again</B>... then we get indignant and righteous at their continued neglect, but still perhaps are not as vocal as we should be...<P>yet, they never lost their faith and belief in us, they still got our beds to share, our laundry and housekeeping services, they had their families, their kids, barely anyone else knowing, they had to watch us torment ourselves, they hugged us, said many sweet and wonderful things, suffered along with us (we like to think)...but what did they really lose?..what impact did having an affair really have on their lives????<P>their wives turning sumersaults to please them is what they got...they are the ones who for a short/long time got an improved version of every-freakin-thing!!..they've got it made!!!...and we, insecure beyond recognition at this point, dish it out and then keep the unhappiness in...or let it leak out in 'blah' days...and that, without a proper release, can build up a wall of pain and resentment...(and yes, it <B>really</B> is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die)<P>aadd to that, that many of us live in fear, mistrust and alot of pain, mental anguish, self-questioning, self-esteem issues, mental instability, weight probs, greying hair, anxiety attacks, wrinkles, bad skin, and horrible visuals of our beloveds in flagrante delecto with OW in return...<P>but it could be that I'm just bitter...
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<P>and this truly is my problem...bitterness....there are so many side issues here that would take 4 years to explain...let it suffice to say that the moral, emotional, and financial support that was given to Deut by me the first years of our marriage was complete and huge, and the bankruptcy, ex-wife/step-son probs that followed seemed to me to have 'earned' me the right to a faithful spouse...hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...so I was delusionary...sue me!!...I felt that I had done so much for him...constantly and consistently...above and beyond the call of what I considered 'normal' ...to the detriment of my health and happiness that it was really a question of "I have done all this for you and this is what you do to me?!?!!...to say I was stupified and de-moralized is an understatement...<P>I had given, given, given and even given when I had none to give, etc... all I wanted as a payback was a good marriage, a 'stable' life where peace with the ex could reign, and where we valued each other as human beings, as partners, lovers, and parents....I felt valueless to him before he had his affair...all that did was to remove the last bit of self-worth I had...for years I felt like a maid, a cook, a mediator, peace-keeper, a pet-feeder, a child-rearer, and a sex-partner...what I got in return was a man who was 'cavalier' about employment, who complained about sex and the lack of desire from me, who played online or video games more than he would talk to me...and was irresponsible in general...we could talk about things and changing them... for hours..but when it came to implementing anything...I felt like I floated alone...both before and after the affair...<P><B> He has since admitted that he did intend to end the affair because I wanted him to, but not because he thought it was the right thing to do.</B><P>Deut at first told me that he was sorry, not for having the affair, but for the hurt it caused me..he said he did not feel guilt about being with and having sex with someone else, but that he felt justified at the time, and was only upset that it upset me.....even though he later retracted that statement, and in fact could not believe he had said it or taken that stance, I think it killed a part of me...his later retraction couldn't even revive it...to live with someone of that moral fibre or lack thereof....who could not see that the action itself was wrong...not just the hurt it inflicted...now I wonder how much of that was bullsh!t....how much of what he has said has been to 'save his as$'...? am I still living with a liar?...how much of my life now is my own stupoidity??...which is the real thing?..has he been 'faking it' for these months...out of fear of losing it all?<P><BR><B>So, did I let him off too easily the first time? And how can I try to recover from this without making that mistake again? Plus, how does "the wall" enter into this?<P>I have to say that I am feeling stronger every day now and seeing things pretty clearly for what they are. But I'm still confused about what to do from here. Please share some words of wisdom with me!!! </B><P>I have no words of wisdom....I think I am ready to acknowledge that Deut's affair has led me over the brink of mental health...that I am in fact, in the middle of a nervous breakdown, with of course, other contributing factors...I think every spouse is let off too easily...the steps you have taken such as accounting for all his time, calling, etc...are good steps...you will not take it for granted ever again that it is 'alright'...you will automatically be 'on guard'....a shame, isn't it?...not forever...but for a good long time, he will have to agree to be hald accountable....like a little boy...you have such strength, you can hold his hand through this..you know that...you can make a full reovery this time...when you feel like you are backsliding, say it..out loud.....talk everything through...beat the dead horse...beat it so hard that its ghost will be afraid of you.....<P>to be continued tonight....gotta go to work...<P>------------------<BR>"The journey into darkness has been long and cruel, and you have gone deep into it."<BR>~ A Course in Miracles<p>[This message has been edited by soulloss (edited September 19, 2000).]
