I'm frustrated right now, please forgive me in advance.<P>I feel like I don't fit in anywhere. I feel like my H is really all that I have. I'm 21 years old, married, with an 18 month old son. I don't fit in with my old friends from high school because #1 - they're all in college; their biggest worry is midterms. and #2 - I am so embarrassed to say this, but I don't trust them around my H. I know, I used to run with that crowd. Most people my age don't have ANY qualms about sleeping with MM. At least where I live, that is the case. I lurk over in TOW, and sure enough, many of them are twenty-somethings. The old adage my friends and I had was "Marriage is a condition a cute, young honey can EASILY remedy." Pretty sick, huh? When I was involved in professional wrestling, I had crushes on MANY of the MM I had the chance to work with - and unfortunately, many of those guys only considered themselves married when they were at home. I never actually went through with anything, but I could have. I have grown past that attitude, obviously now that I myself am married.<P>So most of my friends now are in their mid-thirties to late forties. Some are on their 3rd or 4th marriages, some are divorced. But I still feel like I'm out of place. They all know my H's story, and they're like, "a leopard never changes it's spots, once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater!" I also get the infamous "You were too young to get married - you're 21 and you've only slept with *TWO* people?! You don't even know yourself!" <P>The popular belief with my Southern relatives is "Every man cheats - don't dwell on it, at least he comes home to you." Monogamy is against human nature, blah, blah, blah (but if it were ME who cheated, I'd be a no-good tramp. Go figure )<P>Yes, I'm young, but I don't think that it's the age that matters - it's the mileage. I have done a lot of living in my lifetime. Do I have a lot to learn? Absolutely! Don't we all?! My H and I did jump into marriage, but maybe that isn't such a bad thing. The feelings that we have for each other are SO strong. I will not believe that we are "too young to know what's good for us" (My H is 28)<P>I want to learn from you guys, not be lectured. When I ask how you guys have dealt with triggers, please don't insinuate that I'm too young to know anything. No, I don't have a *lot* of experience with life, so I need to learn from other people's experiences - people who have been through affairs, so that I will know what I need to do NOW to prevent it from happening again. <P>My H and I have started fighting again. One was instigated by alcohol (we "Karaoke" hopped around Seattle/Tacoma Saturday night), and one was instigated by the bank statement I received yesterday from the time I was in Dallas. I still don't know how to handle the extreme triggers. We were both too drunk Saturday night to control our tempers (but we did make up, and get this, he finally gave me the proposal I've wanted for years onstage! But it is kind of marred since we were drunk). Obviously, drinking again is out of the question. I just want the reminders to STOP! I want people to support my marriage instead of either lecturing me or acting like my friend and trying to f**k my H behind my back.<P>I'm extremely confused and frustrated. Who knows, maybe everybody's right.

I'm 39 & have <B>ONLY</B> slept with 1 person in my life! No regrets here.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

I married at 21 and, by the time my x left, I had been married 17 years. I survived the divorce and could proudly say that I had had sex with only one man. It can be done. <P>I agree with the advice to find some new friends. There is the option, possibly, of taking a course at a local college or community education source. Story time at your local public library or a nearby bookstore. Children's activities at a local mall or toy store. Church. Playgrounds. There are a number of sources for finding women with similar interests and of a similar age. <P>Good luck! May God bless you.

CB,<P>In case you're wondering...<P>One man, my H, and I'm 34.<P>And remember, I'm a Snake!<P>Nothing wrong with wondering about other men, but just remember that sleeping around doesn't really get you anything special...<P>At least, not the things you can be proud of when you look back on your life...<P>Not the things you want to be remembered as accomplishing...<P>It isn't exactly something you can put in your eulogy!<P>But if you do sleep around, you can get alot of things you wish you hadn't!!<P>Didn't have to jump on anyone's bones to "know myself". In fact, being a nymphomaniac or homewrecker is a kind of "running away" from yourself and the issues you <I>should</I> be dealing with, don't you think?<P>I think you are way ahead of the game in knowing yourself already, CB, so pity your young friends. You're a very unique, wise and special 21 year old woman. So sorry that being ahead of your time is causing you so much frustration. <P>And I don't have to say it as you already know but either don't drink in this period of your recovery or set some ground rules to prevent triggery if you guys do. My H and I know that if we're with certain other couples or friends or in "certain" settings, we shouldn't be drinking or drinking more than one or two whatevers very sloooowly! <P>Another reminder - alcohol can be a catalyst or used as an excuse for many behaviors. Be very aware of it's role in your relationship and your efforts in recovery. <P>Aloha,<P>L<P>

Carolina Belle, I've felt the same as you many times! I'm 27 and have an almost 9 year old daughter. Believe me, I'm the youngest mom of a 3rd grader in her school! In fact, one of her friends has a sister my age!! All of my friends are also older, but that's not all bad. You are going through the same situations as people who are older than you, and they can help you through them.<P>You can email me if you want to talk about this more---hurting_mb@hotmail.com<P>Praying for you!

Chris – That’s great! I REGRET being with MORE than one!<P><BR>Sweetpea – I agree about sex being something precious to give to the man that I love…now that I’m actually married. My mother, bless her heart, is an extremely free-spirit, and actually encouraged me to explore my sexuality (as long as I was careful). But my high standards (I apologize if I sound like a snob, but I refused to give my heart, body and soul to just anybody) kept me from promiscuity. It took only one ONS for me to realize that the physical gratification (which is overrated) is NOT worth it in the long run.<P>I know that I need to have the same standards with my friends that I do with my man. I feel so bad…I haven’t been to church in over a month! There are some incredible women there, but at times I feel so out of place because while I am a strong believer, I enjoy going out, shooting pool, bowling, dancing, doing karaoke, playing darts…you know, things you do in a bar. My church acquaintances wouldn’t be too enthused about that environment. But at the same time, I don’t fit in with the “bar crowd” – it’s the same people, day in and day out, lacking in morals and trying to find comfort in a bottle and/or with a stranger. I’ve been working out at an all-women’s health club and selling Mary Kay, and I have met some wonderful women at both places, but I still don’t feel like I’ve found my niche yet.<P>Cinderella – I do want to go back to school, for both social and academic reasons. My H is finishing his phelebotomy course in December, so hopefully I can take some classes when he’s finished. It’s hard being away from my little boy though – he’s the sweetest baby! That’s where it’s hard for me to relate to people my own age – most don’t have kids, an H, or a full-time career yet.<P>Leilana – Oh dear, if they DID put that info into eulogies, I’d have to miss the first couple of hours of my H’s funeral…okay, shouldn’t have gone there. But you’re right (as usual ), the people I know who have had multiple partners are still very empty and don’t have a lot of depth. In this day and age, it’s NOT worth the risk of AIDS and other STD’s.<P>Thank you for the kind words! Although I do wonder at times what I missed out on by “growing up too fast”, I wouldn’t give up my family for anything in the world.<P>I was doing great Saturday night until the Long Island Iced Teas and the shooters (I know, I know!) My friend Alice told me that I’m terrible about bringing my skeletons out of the closet when I drink that much. My H and I fought terribly – it got to the point to where I tried walking home from Seattle (my house is about a two-hour DRIVE north of Seattle!) But while we were arguing (the night is still fuzzy, I apologize), he let his guard down. My H does not show emotions or feelings – something that has bothered me for years. He (angrily, but emotionally) did a declaration of love and devotion that blew my mind. We hugged, and then he went in and started talking about how proud he was that I was fishing with him (his favorite hobby), and then went on the karaoke stage and proposed to me. That made my night, but none of those events have been brought up between my H and I since then, so I wonder if he’s regretting what he did. Whoa, did I go off on a tangent! Anyway, I know, I am definitely going to limit my drinking and DECLINE those shooters!<P>hurtinginil – So you were 19 when you had your child, too? You know, it’s not all bad (other than the social aspect) – I think that I would rather do my “living” in my late-thirties than in my twenties. I’ll be more established financially, I’ll be wiser, and at 37 (when my S graduates), I’ll still look good! But is meeting others easier when they’re school-age? I’ll e-mail you later, thanks for the addy!<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Carolina Belle (edited September 20, 2000).]

I too am 39 (like Chris) and H is my one and only. I didn't marry 'till almost 30, boy was it hard waiting to have sex. And I have regretted it, for whatever that's worth.<P>If you don't like the crowd, what do you like about the bar scene? Never got into it myself.<P>I have a 5 and 3 year old. I'm at the other end of the mom age group, the old fart (but I don't look it) <P>My h's second A was with a 21 yr. old, he's 35. It was very tough feeling I had to look as good as the teenagers he kept oogling the first few months after breaking off the A. He's doing much better, though.<P>I also know what it is like to not find my niche. I did my career first as a CPA at 21 and started the SAHM at 33. I'm not sure what you mean by starting the "living". I went from college, to long hour career to mom. By the time I have an empty nest, I'll be old.<P>As to others telling you once a cheater...That's what we all think until we're faced with it. You want your marriage, it's best not even to tell these "friends" anything. Our friends and family don't know. <P> <p>[This message has been edited by schizzo (edited September 20, 2000).]

CB,<P>Well, maybe he regrets the way he expressed himself if he's the repressed type but I'm sure the sentiments were probably in there all along. <P>Not advocating getting him sloshed just to find out what he's feeling!<P>I'm guessing you're just a good girl that enjoys a night out. I'm guessing that because I feel the same way. You might want to take another look at your options for a good time if you're not completely satisfied with it or it's hampering your recovery. <P>Seattle, huh? Do you have some sort of tourist directory of some kind for fun things to do in your area? I don't even know if it's a tourist area you live in but here we have one "101 things to do on Kauai" that really has been a hit when I start to feel like we're not having fun anymore or I'm stumped for something new. I'm not very creative, I pretty much need pictures drawn out for me!<P>And as for "living" - you're doing it everyday of your life. Never put your life on hold. Even if you're doing five things at once, if they are things you want, they are good for you, they are good or won't harm your marriage, then I say go for it. <P>What are you putting "on hold", I'm wondering?

Hi,<P>I wrote you yesterday but when I tried to post, I was locked out time and again. Anyway, I am not going to fess up how many and when. Not that I have anything to hide.<P>You know, some presidents are 70, some 35.<P>Some freshmen are 80, some are 11.<P>It is just that you belong in the 'extreme' of the spectrum where you are located. You may even be in the country.<P>I read that you got a group of 'good time girlfriends' - maybe you can pray for them.<P>As for you not fitting in with the church gals because you like pool, darts, etc..I think you can do both. Remember that Jesus used to mix a lot with the prostitutes (not that your bar crowd are) and others because they need Him and He came here to help them as well. You can spread the Word even as you party (with some self control, ie, no drugs, pissed drunk, vulgar gestures , not that you do). You can set an example and be a Christian dart player, pool shooter, etc..<P>I used to be very insecure about being a fashion model and going to church because I think others will see me as someone flighty. It affected my worship and I think it is bad because it affected my relationship with my Hs. If I had been more deep into worshipping God than feeling out of place, I would know God's voice really well, and would not have married either H. Both H1 and H2 are church goers but they are not close to God and sometimes I fel they love me more than God, and that is wrong. Now I kept on telling WS to love God first because then all things will flow through God to the wife and the family. When King David committed adultery, he cried to God that he had sinned against God. <P>The only hope in my marriage now is Jesus and we have been advised to make God the central of our lives. I used to think God was, but I know now that it takes BOTH of us.<P>I hope you can pray with your H. You can also read books by Derek Prince, Lewis B Smedes, Watchman Nee, etc.. There is a purpose for you, and your wonderful life experiences and your strength and courage are so beautiful to have in one person. I think you are special. In fact, I know so.<P>Take care<BR>weep

i too can relate- i got married 2 yrs ago at 22 yrs old.i have heard the you were too young phrase more times than i can count- anytime a hard time hits us its blamed on our age- but you know what? everyone has hard times no matter what the age- i also can relate to the feeling stuck between two worlds- friends out partying and their biggest worry is whether their hair looks rite and then having friends who are in their 40's & 50's- it is hard to find the balance, but we learn from both sets of people- so don't look at it as lost inbetween but gaining knowledge from both aspects- And remember marriage is hard work and a full time job but it is worth it in the end hope i was of some help-<BR>rax

CB -<P>I was 21 when I got married 3 years ago. I once dated a guy that was 32 and I swear he acted like he was 17, he didn't vote (whcih really irked me) and didn't have much self esteem. Age counts for nothing. Maturity is the knowledge that you have encompassed, what you have learned via trial and error.<P>I've found that the poeple we call immature are those who have not learned their lesson the first time. Do you keeping banging your head on a brick wall if it hurts? No! Wisdom is like that too. You have to step back and figure out what you need to learn from that situation. <P>Don't let the 'age' routine get to you. I stop letting it bother me a long time ago! <P>Vee

FYI,<P>Maybe I should just tell you that I was married at the ripe old age of 21. <P>I was still going to college, finishing up my last year of nursing school (where they say you shouldn't have a job, a boyfriend or be married as the curriculum was unbelievably intense).<P>Within 6 months of marriage we became foster parents to my H's 12 yr. old niece who had been sexually abused in her home. <P>I was also working full time. Going to school full time.<P>Never stopped living. Never stopped having adventures and fun. Our niece was a handful but she looks back at that time in her life as disneyland!<P>Your reality, your life, is what you make it. You make your own standards in how you're going to live it. <P>Sure I have classmates and girlfriends with different lifestyles and priorities--I know I wouldn't be happy in their standards so I never felt like I was missing out on anything.<P>There, now maybe I've said what I should have in the first place.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by schizzo:<BR><B>If you don't like the crowd, what do you like about the bar scene? Never got into it myself.</B> <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Like I said, the karaoke, playing pool, dancing to a live band, etc. I like the activities (sans drinking, for the most part ), but I don't like (most of) the people.<P><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>My h's second A was with a 21 yr. old, he's 35. It was very tough feeling I had to look as good as the teenagers he kept oogling the first few months after breaking off the A. He's doing much better, though.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I was in the opposite situation - my H had his affair with a 41-year-old bar floozy who HAD to be at LEAST 250 lbs, stringy, mousy brown hair, and ugly! I'm young, a size-8 (goal is to be a 6 by New Year's), former model and wrestler, with a great career at a fabulous company, money (I bought both of our cars AND put the $50,000 down on the new four-bedroom beachfront house we bought 6 mos. ago), and I'm fun, by golly! <P>Seriously though, a friend of mine from work and I had this discussion - she was married when she was my age, and she's 27 now. She is a thin, pretty blonde, and her H always cheated with older, overweight women. We came to the conclusion that an A is an A, no matter what, but it would have been less of a blow to the ego if these women were at least CUTE! When you have an attractive wife and cheat with somebody like my H cheated with, it's like EVERYTHING with boobs is a threat to you. Plus it's even more humiliating b/c people think that "wow, her s**t's so bad that an old fat chick can satisfy her H better!" I just want the A's to STOP - whether it's with Jennifer Lopez or Roseanne Barr, I don't want to worry about them anymore!<P><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>As to others telling you once a cheater...That's what we all think until we're faced with it. You want your marriage, it's best not even to tell these "friends" anything. Our friends and family don't know. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I've finally learned that's the best way for things to be. Of course family and friends don't want to see you hurt, and they're just trying to help, but you're right...until you're faced with it, you don't know. Looking back, I used to give my friends the same advice!<P>Leilana - I talked with my H last night, and sure enough, his exact words were, "I meant every word that I said - I just didn't see the need to bring it up again." See, if he would show those emotions - SOBER - that would eliminate a LOT of our problems right there!<P>Yes, I'm pretty much a good girl who enjoys a night out. We actually live about 2 hours north of Seattle now - where I actually live, there are only hole-in-the-wall dives to go out to. Seattle has a ton to do, you're right - it's just a matter of finding a babysitter for our son and finding a friend down there who will let us spend the night. We were lucky last weekend.<P>By the whole "living" and "on hold" thing - it's just that for the 6 month period between graduation/moving out and meeting my H, I did whatever I wanted. Once every couple of months when I was living in SC, my roommates and I would decide that we were bored, so we would fly to NYC, or Florida, or Nashville, or wherever we felt like going, for a few days. We had virtually no bills, and nobody to answer to. I can't do that anymore - not that I mind, I adore my family...but as soon as my son is graduated, I want my H and I to be able to travel, since that is our favorite thing to do.<P>The "on-hold" remarks refers to my wrestling. I had an offer to go to the WWF as a valet, but by that time, I had just found out that I was pregnant. Once again, I wouldn't have traded my son for anything, don't get me wrong, but when I see how successful the WWF has gotten over the past couple of years, and I think, "I could have been a part of that," it does sting a little bit. I guess I'm not putting it on hold - I'll never get back into it, simply because it wreaks havoc on families to have someone on the road 300+ days out of the year. But it was a dream, and I was SO CLOSE! If my marriage can work though, that will be far more fulfilling.<P>Weep - It's funny, I read your post yesterday and I realized that I hadn't been to church since before I went to Texas in the beginning of August. Since that time, my life has become far more difficult to handle, because I've been trying to handle it alone without God. Anyway, I get home, and our pastor called and said that he was thinking about us, and now we're spending Saturday with him and his family, and we're going back to church on Sunday.<P>My H has a strong belief in God, but he won't turn his life over to Him. He thinks that as long as he is repentant, he can do whatever he wants and will be forgiven. I want both of us to be able to wholeheartedly get back on to the right path. We need all of the help that we can get...and He can provide it to us, I know.<P>I'll answer everybody else in a couple of hours - I'm going to be late for work! <P>

Exactly my sentiments about the uglies - it is like EVERYTHING female is a threat. I mean if your H has some taste, you know who to watch out for. Now, it is like everyone is OPEN SEASON .<P>So, I actually give up. Sometimes I even tell him "Look, there is a woman there who is gaping and looks stunned, dragging her feet, wearing expensive clothes so she must be your type of sexy. Sorrrrrry, she is not ugly enough for your liking or loving. <P>How undignified when you have to feel so insecure about everything that moves. I quit that now and concentrate on being ravishing and decent, or I will walk into a lamp post soon. <P>

I was married at 17 and had a baby at 17. I was what you describe your friends to be before I met my husband. I did do a lot of living before I was married and I regret most of it. I do know that people can change. I have completely changed. I am now proud to be a wife and mom. I live for my daughter, who oh my gosh will be three in a few days, and my husband. They are my life.