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#887264 09/22/00 09:40 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
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My H travels with his job. Last time he was gone for a long time, about 2 1/2 years ago, I got really drunk and kissed an ex and we touched a little but I stopped it there and that was that. Well, recently when he was gone I got drunk and my friend who is single had her boyfriend and his friend over to my house. The boyfriend's friend made passes at me all night and we ended up kissing and touching, for a lot longer time than in the first incident. I will for surely never get drunk with people I don't trust again. I must sound like a lush but really I only drink like once a month.
This first incident years ago was only like a five minute thing and then I told him to leave, this second one was on and off for probably an hour or more. Gosh, did I feel horrible the next morning. My stomach just turns when I think about it. Why did I do it? I love my husband, we are happy, and I am satisfied in every aspect. Well, obviously not every aspect when he's away. We've been married 3 1/2 years and have had our ups and downs but I love him and know that he is the one. I just don't know what these incidents make me. I feel terribly guilty. I know if he knew he would freak.
PLEASE HELP

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Hello LE,

maybe you are not as satisfied as you would have yourself believe. You say that him traveling is not satisfying. Are there other things? Have you read any of Dr. H's articles posted on this website? That would be a good starting place. Try the book, His Needs/Her Needs. Maybe that would help you identify what you really need out of your marriage.

I'm not lecturing here but it doesn't seem that you have such a good track record when you are drinking. Can you not drink so much on the occasions that you do drink? Also, you don't have to be with members of the opposite sex when your husband is out of town and you are going to be drinking.

A good starting place would be reading the MB principles here and sharing your needs with your husband.

welcome to the board.

cleo


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L E,

I kinda did the same things too. Before we were married H and I were stationed in different states in the military. I missed him terribly - it physically hurt I missed him so much. There was this guy stationed with me who reminded me a lot of my H at the time - in fact, all three of us had been stationed in Washington DC together and one day I mistook this other guy for my H. Anyway, this guy and I became friends and would hang out together - totally innocent, platonic, just friends. So how was it that we ended up kissing one night? It was brief, gross, and no other touching was involved. I was so plastered I could barely walk and he was so drunk that he puked all over the sidewalk promptly afterwards. (got my shoes a little too as an added bonus.)

All the rest of that night I did not sleep, and I said a few prayers to the porcelin god myself. I felt horribly, sickly guilty over what I had done. I never even told my H until AFTER I'd had my PAs last year. He brought up an interesting point, which we argued/debated over to this day: he said that what you do when drunk, you'd also do sober under the right circumstances. So drunkenness is NOT an excuse. I tend to agree more with him on that one now, but I do think of other situations where I'm not sure how true that is.

So here's the moral of the story, as I have learned it. What you and I did are huge indicators that something is not right with us and/or with our committed relationships. It is a tip-off that more serious things could happen along down the line, should the right person and circumstances come about.

What I admire about you is your strength and insight in coming here to talk about it. I kept what I did locked up very tight inside. I'm usually a blabbermouth to my girlfriends, but I only told one person about this and seriously threatened her with her life if she ever said anything to anyone. I just did NOT deal with it the way you are. So, nice going, it's a big step in the right direction! Wish I'd done it years ago... I might not have had the affairs.

When you are lonely, need friends, crave the attention of men, and loosen up when you drink, AND have a history of acting innapproprately in such a situation, you have to avoid the possibility of all the above mentioned factors coming together. I have finally realized that for myself. Hey, it's fun to get all dressed up, go out, get eyed up by guys (pretending you hate it but secretly it's somehow satisfying), get flirted with, have a few drinks etc. To me, that has always been my idea of a good time. But I think that for you and me, it can lead to too many 'iffy' or flat out WRONG things happening.

I know just how you feel right now - there is no sicker feeling inside than the one you have now, eh? I think the problem may be more with you, not so much your relationship with your H. I believe you when you say you love him.

Now, here's the clincher - I really think you need to tell him. Yes, it's scary as hell. Yes he will likely be very angry and hurt - he may not believe that you love him. But if you don't tell him, LE, it's going to keep on happening like this. If your H knows, the way you do things is ging to change from now on, which may sound a little confining and scary right now. However, in the long run, I'll bet anything that you will be GLAD you purged your conscience. In a crazy way, having the truth out can make your marriage feel more pure - now that the skeletons are out of the closet. And then your H will be able to help you keep yourself out of these risque situations.

I have a feeling he will forgive you.

I do think you could benefit from exploring the reasons WHY you did this further - be it in your own mind or with a counselor. YOu will understand yourself better, and will be able to trust yourself and forgive yourself.

Keep us posted, let us know what you decide to do!

Khyra


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Thank you for your responses. I do feel that I need to find out why this happened. I also know that if I were sober that night it wouldn't have happened. He may have tried to kiss me and I may have took a second to back away but no way would things have carried on like they did. I'm not trying to find an excuse here I just know that if I had been sober things would have been very different. My husband is in the military as well. I would never tell him while he was away though. It would kill him and drive him mad. It would be all he thought about since he has so much time to think being away and all. I do want to talk to some sort of counselor. I have been digging for answers inside myself and just can't come up with one. I can picture my H if he knew. Oh, God he'd be so disgusted which just makes me feel the same. I already feel horrible for doing this to him and he doesn't even know. I always pictured telling him about the first incident some where down the road. Kind of like, "hey remember when you were gone so much, well..." I do know that I won't feel completely better until I tell him but I do know that now is NOT the right time. His job stresses him out enough. I don't think I'd feel comfortable telling him until he was out of the military. How did you tell your husband? Did he have anything similar happen while you were away?

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L E,

I don't know that it will make much of a difference if you hold off on telling him till later. If you keep putting it off, the time may never be 'right,' plus I think there is a certain amount of sincerity of confessing sooner rather than later. Not only will he need to absorb your actions, but also the fact that you wee able to hold such a secret in for so long.

I say this because my H had kept a big secret from me for over two years. When he finally told me, that was one thing. But dealing with his dishonesty was easier than mulling over the fact that he had KEPT it from me for so long.

I just think in the long run, it will be easier and better to do it now - for both you and your H.

When I told my H, it came out with information about a bunch of other bad things I was doing at the time - things having to do with the affairs. It was kind of like a get-it-all-out-now sort of thing. And as I said before, I wish I had just told him in the beginning when I screwed up. It would have prevented a LOT of heartbreak along down the line.

LE, how can I say this if I don't really know YOU? Well, I can say it because I know ME and you and I have this similarity .... It sounds like you are prone to do these kinds of things. It also sounds like part of you really doesn't think that what you did is a big deal. Am I right? I hear you minimizing: "it was only five minutes," "I wouldn't have done it had I not been drinking." Sounds like you are putting yourself above what happened. This is dangerous because this is how that kind of behavior perpetuates itself. Pretty soon, and without you even taking much notice of it, more and more will seem like it's "OK."

That is how I have seen it happen with me and other friends of mine. First, flirting's ok. Then kissing. It's NOT ok, but really, no big deal in the grand scheme of things. Something I can keep hidden. Then kissing MORE is, well, pushing it, but damnit, I haven't been getting any at home, and damnit, I'm still mad about X,Y, and Z, and damnit, he probably did this to me when I was gone too, etc etc. Soon enough, I found myself moving out, asking for a divorce, having sex, and persuing ANOTHER guy! See how a pattern emerges?

You are likely reading this, shaking your head going, "yeah, right - that's her, not me, she's NUTS!" Well, true, I am nuts, but I see so much of me in you, LE - the lonliness, the rationalization, the hesitancy to tell, making excuses for this, that, and the other. It's nowheresville.

So? Tell him. Tell him really soon. Tell him you want to get help - for yourself and your marriage. Tell him you DO love him. And STAY out of trouble - that 'friend' who was with you that night is no friend at all if s/he let this go on without a fight! When I was in the Army, I was around when a buddy of mine was ACTIVELY cheating on his wife and even tho it was none of my business, I STILL made it know that I was disgusted by what was going on. I even went so far as to be extremely rude to the ugly thing he was with. (But that's another story for another time

If you need encouragement, words of wisdom, support, sympathy, here we are. Keep posting, letting us know what you decide to do and what happens - we care!

Love,

Khyra

[This message has been edited by Khyra (edited September 25, 2000).]


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quote:
I do feel that I need to find out why this happened. I also know that if I were sober that night it wouldn't have happened.
A good start is to NOT get drunk!

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Prayers & God Bless!
Chris
For relationship info check out Marriage & Relationship Resources


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LE,

1. Yes, you COULD feel guiltier. Be thankful that you stopped where you did.

2. Consider yourself lucky to have learned this lesson with such minimal actual damage. Take it seriously and find out what is wrong with your marriage that makes such incidents even possible. Get counseling of necessary.

Good luck, and don't be too hard on yourself.

------------------
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.
Galatians 5:22-23


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LE, I have to agree with 2Sad - you really COULD feel guiltier! It could be worse. The point of my post was to demonstrate how things can get worse - really fast on you, and I would hate to see that happen to you guys!


It's not really fair or realistic to impose your morals or values surrounding drinking on others, Chris, is it?


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LE,

How are you doing? Have you figured out any more of the reasons (other than being drunk)?

I'm glad you came here. I hope that you read the information on this site and are finding ways to make your marriage strong.

All the best to you. --HBC


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I never thought I'd get any responses. Thank you all for everything.
As of now I am still dealing with this inside. I am VERY good about blocking things from my mind especially when I don't want to remember something and it's especially easier since I was drunk when it all happened.
I do know my husband and I do know that it is best to wait. When I tell him I want to already have an appt. some where set up so we don't have to deal with this on our own. I also want to talk to him face to face. I know that if I told him now he'd go crazy and wouldn't be able to do his job.
I am glad that I don't have to deal with this other guy. It would be hard if this other guy meant something to me and if he were a sweetie and were in my face trying to make me be with him. However, that is not the case. I will most likely never see this guy again and have zero feelings for him. I do realize that if this would have been a man that I just described that I would have a problem resisting. And I do realize I need to find out why that is. I know 98% has to do with the fact that I miss my H terribly and am very lonely. However, loving and caring so much for someone should make me stay out of trouble and why it doesn't, I'm not sure. I'm going away from home for about a week but when I get back I plan to look up someone to talk to.
Thank you all.


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