Before I drag my depressed, weary, confused self to bed, I thought I would bring up a subject that could be very sensitive to alot of us Bs's.<BR>My H has listed his #1 emotional need to be "an attractive spouse" and his #2 sexual fulfillment.<P>Bingo! I think therein lies our problem!<P>If any of you have ever read my "story" you will know that I am an ex-beauty queen and as my H has told me on ocassions "his Cinderella blew up"!<P>I consider myself (at 51) to be attractive, granted I don't have the body I once treasured or he treasured. I pretty much let myself go after birthing four children.<P>For the past 30 plus years I have gained weight and lost weight, several times. Since the birth of my fourth child at age 40, I have not lost much weight and except for the infidelity diet that took off 20 lbs quickly, I still remain over weight by about 50 lbs!!!<P>I also most recently with the help of my counselor discovered I have been depressed for many years. <P>I knew that my weight was a particular sore spot for my H but, didn't realize how much. He is a rather small man, and I now know that I, being larger than he, dwarf him some what. I also enjoy sex with my h very much, but as you can guess, it is not sizzling b/c I am so self conscious about my weight. <P>His OW is a much smaller woman than me and is also 3 inches shorter. I know that this was a big draw for him, not to mention she is a pro-flirt! She also tormented him for sex and would get very upset if he didn't have an orgasm with her.<P>What really scares me is that I can lose weight but I can't get shorter. He and I are about the same height. I feel myself getting more and more depressed every day because it will take me a long time to lose this weight and am I willing to lose this weight to please him or should I lose, or need to lose, this weight to prove to him that I am lovable.<P>I think he has hung in there all these years waiting for his Cinderella to come back and I have disappointed him so many times that he finally decided to find another Cinderella. I hate myself like this and yet I don't take the initiative to do anything about it, I guess because of my depression.<P>My great big question is... How many of you experience a weight problem and do you think your personal attractiveness in regards to your size was a major factor in your WS's decision to betray you?<P>I need some support with this issue, please share with me. I just exposed myself totally to you.<P>Exposed and Vunerable!<BR>Cathy

Hi, Cathy!<P>I have been self conscious about my weight also - it was a major factor in the slowing down of our sex life over the last 4 years that we were together. However, I have never been one of the "beautiful people" and have finally come to terms with the fact that i never WILL be one of them. I am me - and all I can do is be the best me possible.<P>Rather than making yourself crazy trying to lose weight (unless you are doing it for YOU it will not work, anyway - you know that!), find other ways to be attractive! Be fit, dress nicely, walk with confidence. Attractiveness has to do with your ability to attract - not how much you weigh.<P>I am no small fry, and I need to lose weight for my own health - but I am coming to be more comfortable with myself as I am - and I think that will actually help me to lose weight in the long run.<P>I sure don't have to worry that my weight is what is keeping him from coming back to me - you should get a load of the slug. A little shorter and about twice as wide...<P>I hope this has helped a little ...<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Hi Cathy<BR>I'm up late too! I was drawn to your post because of several similarities.<P>First of all, my H is also sort of a small man. I am tall, but am still about 2 inches shorter than he is. When we got married 11 years ago, I weighed about 5 pounds less than he did. Through the years and 2 children later, his weight remained unchanged, I gained about 30 pounds. I have always been self conscious about us being so close to the same size. Then I gained weight, and it got so much worse.<P>My H has always said that my weight did not matter to him, but it certainly did to me. I quit undressing in front of him, was self conscious during sex and had generally low self esteem. I covered as much of me as I could as much of the time as I could manage. Our sex life suffered greatly because of this. <P>Well, due to the infidelity diet, I also lost about 20 pounds, so I am pretty close to what I weighed when we got married. Well, with the weight loss, I also had more energy. I started walking a lot with my kids around the neighborhood. My H has not really said much about the weight loss. As he said so many times in the past, my weight did not matter to him. What he has commented on was my different style of clothing. Not as much to hide! He has also commented on my increased energy level. Also, I have found that I really do enjoy sex and am no longer self conscious. Regardless of what happens between us, I feel much much better now and hope I can lose another 15 pounds.<P>Your infidelity diet loss of 20 pounds is a great start! I think that what you need to do right now is take care of you. You obviously know what to do to lose the weight since you've done it before. Did your doctor put you on an anti-depressant? Is there some form of exercise that you enjoy doing that you could start?<P>Remember, take care of you. And we're all friends here- don't feel bad "exposing" yourself!<P>

Another one weighing in.<P>I had gained alot of weight since we were married too. My H always made derogitory comments about overweight people. Never said a word about me in paticular. I felt my weight changed my feeling about myself and proably affected our sex life too. <P>I have lost 40 pounds since finding out about his affair and he still didn't say anything. I wonder if my weight played a role in his having an affair. I do not know for sure, but suspect OW is short and small. <BR>(Although she has a mexican background and I find him eating pork rinds .. yuck.. alot now so I can only hope she gains alot of weight)<BR>I am trying to be healthier for me. Trying to exercise, and eat better. I hope I can continue, but have a history of yo-yo weight gains. I am really trying to change my lifestyle. Of course its different when I am cooking for me only and dont have to prepare meals for 2.<P>I think alot of us here deal with this issue, so don't feel alone. <BR>Lora

Catplay,<P>I am just going to add one piece of support here. Don't lose weight for your H, lose weight and get in shape for YOURSELF. Focus your energy on doing this for you and not because someone else wants you to. You have a good start like Cloudy said. Go for it all. Good luck and keep us all posted with your progress. ....fs

Needed to join in here...<P>I have gained weight slowly over the 18 years we have been together - it doesn't show actually how much I have gained - I carry it well - but I know the numbers...<P>I have health problems that make it very hard to manage my weight - but have recently found a combination of things that have made it possible to pull some off - I build muscle really easy - so the weight doesn't change much but the inches do...I've quit worrying about the weight number.<P>My husband placed his top two EN as sexual fulfillment and an attractive spouse - we had no problem with #1 - but now I guess we had a problem with #2 - I don't know what else led to his affair - I was meeting all of his needs - except I was heavier then when we married. <P>It's so frustrating - it's not like I did it on purpose - I have health issues and I'm not considered obese - so my doctors would just shrug when I complained - I got angry when I read his EN paper and then I cried - because he knows how hard I have tried and all I have gone through to get the weight down - the number is what he focuses on. <P>Through all this though - it gave me the strength to FIND a way to make me more comfortable with this issue..... also - men I have met recently don't see the extra weight - they have told me weight doesn't matter - it's how comfortable a women is with herself, they really do look for confidence and can see the beauty inside - that is the real turn on. I needed to have that confirmation and it has been great. The funny thing is - most of the men I have talked to recently that have said nice things - have been much younger then me...well what do you know.....<P>My husband has noticed the change and now he says I'm dong it all to go cruzin for a new guy - hmmmm...hadn't thought about that......lol - really - I think he is just seeing that OTHER men really do find his wife attractive - has given him food for thought. I'd like to see if his EN's have changed any since I've started getting it together...:-)<P>I'm rambling..... but ladies - weight - and the bottom line numbers aren't always the important issues - but if you want to change for yourself - then go for it and find a way...I have learned that no one thing was a magic bullet - I use several and I feel better, have more energy and my clothes fit better.<P>J

A lurker weighing in...<P>I've lost 100 pounds over the last year... and I still have 40 to go. I was very heavy for the last five or so years (top weight I'd let them see even at the doctor was 271). My stbx told me it didn't matter, but pointed out "fat girls" on the street (walking) and said, "Good, she needs to exercise"... they were SMALLER THAN ME. Soooooooo, either he really didn't realize that I was so heavy (saw me through rose-colored-glasses) or he was trying to "help me" see the truth (more likely). He has said, several times, how good I look now. <P>I weighed 135 when we met and married. It didn't take long to start gaining weight with those babies, and also I comfort-ate through his affairs of the 80's. Gained and lost, gained and lost... and each time I gained an extra 10 or so pounds.<P>His latest OW, by the way, is chunky, but not fat by any stretch of the imagination. He's mentioned several times that she's heavy, so it matters to him, although now that he has his choice of anyone, why he would choose someone overweight and then complain about it is beyond me... but I digress...<P>Yes, Catplay, lose the weight for YOU if that's what you want... don't ever lose it for someone else... you'll gain it back that way, plus some (how well I know that one!). I'm still hanging on to that last 40 pounds, going up and down 7 pounds over and over again. Losing the weight brings up issues of it's own too... I was suddenly noticed by men, my girlfriends who needed someone to pig out with got jealous... but on the plus side, I can walk up a flight of stairs, shop in regular size clothes (sizes that begin with a "1" instead of a "2") and see my feet. All to the good! <P>Good luck Catplay, and remember, you are beautiful from the inside!! <P>

New_Beginning, How did you lose the 100lbs?<BR>Congrates on the loss!

Funny thing--my husband would get on the porn websites and look for:<P>1) older women (HER)<P>2) buxom beauties (ME)<P>Some of the chics that he cybered with were actually grotesquely huge.<P>Since I have known my husband, I have fluxuated between 5-30 lbs overweight. I was never seriously big until he took off with Miss Kitty. I was living in Tacoma WA then. It was cold and rainy, and I was so sad that I felt no motivation except to lay on the couch in my ratty ol sweatpants and purple shirt with bleach stains, cover myself with an afghan, and eat girlscout cookies.<P>I can blame him for being fat--although, like with everything, I am the one who has to live with it now. I am having a horrid time losing it. I am so sad now that getting off my butt is a chore.<P>This is one thing that he has never never complained about, my weight, however. Thank God. It was just about the only thing he didn't complain about.<P>I am a little heavy, but I carry it pretty good, I have a big bust and a big bottom, and if I wear a dress, which I often do, I look just fine.<P>If I could stop being so depressed, maybe it will come off. It's a mental thing.

Get this, I'm 5'5", 115. I have a very nice figure, big firm breasts lil waist and hips. My hubby keeps sneaking off with his ex-girl friend who is 10 years older, 100 lbs heavier and 4"inches shorter than me. He says they are only freinds, but it disgusts me and she has this deep smoker's voice and a really wrinkled face. It just sickens me.<P>I swear, men can be such blackholes of endless unfillable needs.

SadNLonely:<P>You sound so lovely and amazingly built...what is wrong with your husband, is simply what is wrong with your husband. Here he has someone who loves him deeply...a complete babe and he chooses to trade down and slum around with some greasy, raspy old fat thing.<P>I look in the mirror and recall the OW and there is absolutely no comparison. It isn't just the looks...it's the whole package. She has no outside interests, doesn't keep up on current events, politics, has no talents or ambitions, sleeps til 11 AM every day then sits on her very ample [censored] gorging herself with food while she watches Jerry Springer. Plus she is callous and heartless and shallow. She must have a trick pelvis.<P>Catnip =^^=

I have had a weight problem since I was 10. WheN I got married at 132. Gained ten lbs on the honeymoon(cruise.) Okay. top weight is 202, lowest since honeymoon was 146. I felt really good there. That is where I am shooting for now. I will stay there. This si the lasst time I take it off, too.<P>My Halso said it never mattered, but he admitted that it did, though he never really thought about it. I have lost and gained the weight two times. in the past 11 yrs,(since my D was born, then when my son was born. I kept it off for for a long time. But the unhappier I got the more I ate, you know the routine. Since I don't really remember when our probs started, I cannot remember when the wieght started to come back. But I really put on 15 this summer when things were there worst.<P>I have lost 7 only since dday. But lots of inches since I walk 5 miles a day. But now my knee is giving me trouble--darn! Pool is getting too cold for swimming!!

OK, how about a male perspective. . .<P>Up until Junior High school, I was an absoulte rail I was so skinny. I can remember one time when I was at the doctors office asking when I was ever going to get to 100 pounds.<P>Should have kept my mouth shut. . .By the time I got into High School 100 pounds was a very distant memory.<P>When I got married, I was doing construction work, and probably weighed about 190 pounds. By the time my W walked out on me, I was close to 270. I too went through the infidelity diet and lost about 80 pounds in six months. It didn't stay off for long though.<P>I am 5-10 and weigh about 235. I could definietly afford to lose about 40 to 50 pounds.<P>My W had never said anything about my weight until after we were back together again.<P>My W on the other hand is constantly complaining about her weight. When we got married she wore about a size 3. She is currently wellinto double digits, thought I don't know for sure what size she wears now.<P>I have never told her that she needs to lose weight. In fact when she has complained about her weight, my response has always been to "Do something about it if you don't like your weight."<P>Anyway, it's not just the ladies who have to deal with this.<P>God Bless

Aw, bless your heart Catnip,<P>Sounds like your hubby feels sorry for the poor trash ho. Your so much better than her.

Quick note to <B>WeNeQn</B>,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>New_Beginning, How did you lose the 100lbs?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>The wrong way! I stopped eating. Then I ate only lunch, and a big one at that!! I ended up in the hospital with colon probs, so don't try this at home folks! Now, I maintain it by eating small meals, and my stomach has shrunken down to nothin'...I haven't gained it back, and that's a VERY good thing!<P>I do feel better, look better, but as I say, still have 40 pounds to use. I can't seem to get it off!!<P>Thanks for the Congrats! <BR> <BR>

Catplay, I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I also gained weight and then lost it, and during this weight gain my husband cheated (twice). When I realized I wanted to feel better and be healthier (add to that the fact that I have very high cholesterol and was told by my doctor I had to change..or else, good motivator) and I didn't just want this because my husband obviously did, I was successful. I've been on a weight training regimen comibined with cardio and feel 100% better and have lost the weight, back to the size I was when married. I think that taking the focus off of our spouse's (but not so much it alienates them) enough to realize that our lives do not TOTALLY revolve around them is key. I know my husband has expressed to me that he wants an independant wife. But that's not the reason why I did this, I truly wanted to do it, or it just wouldn't have happened.<P>Thanks for bringing this subject up, it did hit a chord with me.

Hi Cathy:<P>Don't you ever sleep?<P>You're right, this is a "weighty" problem, one that many women have to deal with. Now this particular thing is not important to me in a mate...my H has weighted about 280 before although he has lost weight and now weights about 220. He' a big guy so it looks alright on him. Big or little, I still love him.<P>Therefore, I don't think "an attractive spouse" is high on my emotional needs list, but I think this is often high on most men's list. That's because men are visual creatures. So it's hard for us to understand how important it can be to men. <P>But you know, weight's not everything, my H's OW is thin as a rale, ugly as sin and most men would not come within ten feet of her because she so crude, but he's crazy about her (so the determining factor here is not looks, but something else). And he has had another girlfriend who is big as a barn, so I don't think weight is the problem. But I do thing sex and admiration are...and this may be have been the case for your H too. <P>But you know your H may have done the damage himself with his attitude...if he could have been more supportive of your weight problem then perhaps you would not have been so sensitive about it and more responsive in all ways. This is probably just another area you both need to work in.<P>If he could give you the acceptance you need in spite of the weight problem, then maybe you would be more successful at losing because the pressure would be off. Weight loss is difficult even with lots of support, and nearly impossible with none or negative feedback. <P>It could be that your depression has lead to the weight gain or visa-versa, but I read somewhere that women eat sometimes to comfort themselves if they don't get comfort from their H (kinda like filling up an emptiness with food). Want do you think?<BR>Do you eat to comfort yourself? Or do you just have a slow metabolism?<P>Height, weight, ugly or cute, our OW and OM<BR>come in all shapes, sizes or shapes. It's what our H perceives that's important, not what is the reality. Reality is what you need for yourself to survive.<P>Buffy<P> <BR>

I too lost about 50# on the infidelity diet. Like most women here, I was very tiny when we got married (about 100# dripping wet). Now I'm back in great shape, and the H is always asking if anyway whistles at me,etc. I told him that the glances of a hundred men were not equal to one from him. Anyway, what's upsetting is that the OW is an amazon. My H and I are small people. I'm only 5' tall, he's about 5'8" She must be at least 5'6" and pretty heavy...so it just goes to show you that when spouses want to stray...looks don't matter!

Thank you, thank you for all the sharing and support.<BR>Terri: You ARE one of the beautiful people, because you are one of us! Thanks for the advice. I do need to focus on my good qualities until I lose this weight.<P>Cloudy: The 20 lbs was a great start and I really started getting the compliments from others, even H. But that made me kind of sad b/c I realized , ah, ha... he wants me now! Since we've been back together the lbs are slowly creeping back. I think it's the depression.<P>Lora: My H detests obese people also, I hope he never becomes one. Isn't it easier to cook for one?<P>firestorm: Thanks so much for encouraging me.<P>genesforme: I'm sorry you have health problems and your H is not sympathetic. If I don't lose this weight, I will have health problems too. I hope the other men howl at you like wolves!!! You desserve it!!!<P>New_Beginning: WOW, 100 LBS. Were you trying to lose or was it the infidel. diet. Way too go!!!<P>Berzini: When I'm feeling low, I don't eat much, I just don't move. Depression affects us this way.<P>Sadnlonely: Whatsamatta with him? Don't you come around my H, you look too good. OK. Just kidding, thanks.<P>Burned spouse: We know the weight does matter, don't we? Those sweet little munchkins can really pack the lbs on you, and they move your bones too.<P>Empty Shell:<P>God bless you! You do have an advantage you know. When guys are big, people say, Yeh, he's a BIG GUY and it's kind of accepted, but when a woman is big , they say she's a slob or she's let herself go. I do relate to you though. Thanks<P>Kayleigh: Did your doctors recommend cardio-training or did you do it on your own?<P>Buffy: Yes, I do sleep, but I'm whacked out at this time with insomnia. I think sex and admiration she gave him was high on that EN list, for us though, my weight keeps him from feeling like he's got his trophy again. My depression keeps my metabolism low, I really don't eat too much, I don't move enough. Thanks again Buffy!<P>Stella: Good for you!!!Sometimes I wish I could get that infidel. diet feeling again without the infidelity. <P>Thanks again to all of you for sharing with me and making me feel so not all alone.<P>Love you guys and gals,<BR>Cathy

I'm sure K has been waiting for me to "weigh" in (ha ha) on this issue. <P>Well, I am no beauty queen, never was, but I was at my slimmest when I met my H. Of course I was anorexic at the time and couldn't eat without going home and doing 2 hours of aerobics and I was hungry, crying, and psychotic all the time, but hey! This is America! Thin is everything, right? Who cares if you're a nutjob, as long as you're a size 6!!<P>Catplay, I feel badly for you, because obviously your H felt very early on that the fact you were a beauty queen meant you'd be 18 and slim forever. I don't think you should beat on yourself for "letting yourself go." People's bodies change as they get older, and unless you're an actress, where looking 20 forever is part of your job, and you have the money and the time for personal trainers and plastic surgery, it's just not realistic to expect yourself to look the way they do.<P>That your H is so hung up on this is more a function, IMHO, of his own feelings of inadequacy because he is short, than because of anything you did. It sure sounds to me that your H gets his feelings of self-worth out of being married to "a beauty queen", rather than being married to YOU.<P>It's easy to want to twist ourselves into knots when there's an OW in the picture. When my H was involved with Dragon Lady, I was very hung up on the fact that she's thinner than I am. She lost her weight using speed, and started putting it back on almost immediately, BTW.<P>My H has never said anything to me about my weight. When I lose, he notices, but he shows ABSOLUTELY NO revulsion about anything, even my stomach, where most of the weight seems to settle these days. He has even said, "When a woman gets north of 40, she looks better with a little weight on her."<P>We are just back from a Caribbean vacation, and I swear to you, I looked more at women in bikinis (that old "how do I stack up?" thing) than he did. Indeed, in Jamaica, where we went, larger women are viewed as MORE ATTRACTIVE by the locals -- what a culture shock!<P>My H is 6 feet tall, I am just under five feet. Needless to say, it's virtually impossible for me to keep my weight down and still get adequate nutrition. I knew when I was thin what I was going through to stay there, and wondered, "Would he be here with 15 more pounds?" Well, it's now 50 more pounds, and he's still here. Dragon Lady was a function of him feeling neglected.<P>Now, as for your sex hangups: My H and I went through this two years ago, indeed right after a business trip in which I believe he came awfully close to turning his EA into a PA. I had been punishing myself, and by extension, him, for my being fat, by withholding in the sack. All he had to do was say, "If you're uncomfortable with your weight, why are you punishing ME?" Your problem is different because your H is much shallower on that front. My H used to hang out with sci-fi fandom types, and these women are BIG. One thing that might help you is to realize how your H is trying to deal with his own feelings of inadequacy by reflecting himself in his women. It doesn't solve your problem, but recognizing it as being HIS, not yours, might help.