Hi folks,<P>Posted a version of this on the recovering site, so apologies to those who've already read it.<P>When I last posted here I was headed for a weekend with my H and then home after a 3 week visit by myself to the town where my H's affair took place. <P>Here's a little background: A was 4 ½ of our 6 1/2 year marriage, D-day was 15 months ago, days after H's move to new city-very far away. Often I'm as stunned as I was the night I discovered OW's e-mail that this could have happened-anybody remember me? <P>During the 3 weeks in our former home town I had very little contact with my H and spent many hours reading and writing at this site.<BR>At the time of my last writing I had a major breakthrough courtesy of reading SKM's history of postings, and really started to understand my H through the words of other remorseful betrayers. Also read His Needs/Her Needs. Wish this had led to smoother sailing, but hopefully good will come out of this yet. <P>The past year I've mostly been angry and hurt and mostly put the blame at my H's feet. What happened is that I went off the deep end in a new direction: profound depression and worthlessness about how I may have contributed to our troubles, and feelings of hopelessness that I will ever be able to be a good enough spouse to meet my H's emotional needs. Hope this will be the stage before acceptance and that it won't last long. By the time I got to the city where we'd planned to take a couple day vacation I was doing the best job I could to be positive and to protect my H from all my negativity but feeling in a terrible pit of despair. <P>Fortunately, a nagging thought (that we seem to have made our best progress by me being honest in a respectful way) won out after a week or two and during a long walk we had a good, honest, talk. Perhaps the biggest problem is that my H is fighting for his life in his preferred career and is working non-stop. I help in his office but finding quality time together is next to impossible. He has made a commitment to go on at least one long walk with me per week which should help. <P>I am still negotiating these troubled waters with the addition of an individual therapist, continued copious exercise, and new activities in our new community. Hopefully avoiding meds can continue because of side effects experienced in the past. Individual therapy has been enough to get through hard times before so it's worth a try. We've been in couples therapy over a year (and even terminated it for a while about 6 months ago because things were going so well!) and now see this therapist once per month. <P>Here's what happened the ther night. Now this sounds really crazy... if anyone can identify, it sure would help to hear about it. We were watching the Olympics and I started thinking about what some of those athletes do to themselves, taking steroids, going through such stress, altering their bodies so extremely, sacrificing every molecule to be the best, and I started crying uncontrollably. I cried hard for an hour or two. My H did his best to comfort me but it was very hard to explain. Probably it will take another 6 months for me to fully understand all I was feeling but it just seemed that some of these athletes were trying too hard, to an unhealthy degree. I felt like I would have to turn myself inside out to meet my H's ENs and that I would lose myself, my values and all hope of being loved for who I am. <P>It seems like when we don't take time to talk, this kind of thing bubbles out of me and I can't stop it. I get confused about whether I should continue to try to stiffle myself and if so how the heck to do it.<P>And I have to go back to the old home town again Oct 5. This time H will follow on Oct 12 and the worst of the job crunch will be over. Even though we've not sold our house we're bringing down most of our things so we'll almost have a home again. That will be nice. <P>Will try to check back more frequently this week. It has been a comfort to read old and new postings. Will try to be a bit steadier instead of this over-do then disappear approach.<BR>

Today,<BR>I can relate to what you are experiencing and feeling all to well. But you must try and resist the thoughts and the overwhelming feelings that seem to just attack you sometimes.<P>I like the idea of the walks together I think that is great!! If your H is under such pressure then I hope you will use this walk time to be his shoulder to lean on. I think if you can think of this as the oppurtunity that it is to get to know your H better that you will actually get alot of the answers to some of your questions also.<P>And you don't need to turn yourself inside out to be what he needs. You just need to get to know yourself and let him get to know you again too. The fact of the matter is that the everyday goins on in each of our lives changes us. And when you have the aspect of an affair as part of it, even more changes about the ones involved.<P>I think you should decide who you are and what you want to be and be it. Try not to concentrate on what has happened and you can't change... you are tired of living in the past aren't you? If so, then stop allowing yourself to live in the past. You have to look at the future.<P>I will tell you another thing too. It was always very hard for my H to see me like that. The fact is that men do not handle their feelings and emotions half as good as we girls do. And they can become depressed and overwhelmed by sadness too. I know it is hard but you have to be a rock.<P>I am not saying that you should beat yourself up if you get upset or have some emotional lapse of strength. Of course not, but it would be better for you, and your marriage if you could try to find a way to control it instead of letting it have control over you.<P>Chalk it up to a momentary loss of control, regain your outlook and composure and start again. Make the most of the time that you have with each other. Enjoy your walks. And be the strong woman that you know you are.<P>Whenever you feel this coming on, don't entertain it or think about it at all. Just say to yourself NO! I am not going there again. It will only make me feel bad, upset things and it will do no good at all in the long run. Then you must decide that you will not let yourself give into it. Get up walk around. Turn on the radio, do something to get your mind off of it.<P>I know it is hard but do try and give it a try, a little practice is all it takes.<P>Genie

Genie,<P>Thank you for your lengthy response but yikes, do I sound that whiney...too much airing of dirty laundry...<P>I do listen, support, problem solve, listen, encourage, listen, boost, cheerlead, listen, you get the picture, my H everyday. His job is by far our main topic of conversation. I have always been a shoulder for him to lean on, even during the affair. In fact that's probably why I didn't completely loose him. I am happy to do this and I really believe that at least sometimes I help. He tells me that in spite of my occasional "melt downs", I am his rock, his stability (I know poor guy!!! )<P>You are right that I need to get a better grip. That's why I wrote this. My H is developing far greater "emotional intestinal fortitiude" than he's ever had before but this kind of thing is tough for him. I come from a very expressive mom, who is a wonderful person, who has always cried extremely easily. One of her finest moments was when she accepted herself this way. My H's family is very reserved. <P>I will try harder to do what you suggest, though. Feels like I've been trying as hard as I can but I'll try to find some different way to try. I am doing better about staying away from the past, that's progress! At least this latest melt down was about issues in the here and now and had nothing to do with the past! <P>

Today,<BR>My counselor told me something that helped me overcome the "trying too hard" feeling. He said that my husband fell in love with ME. I don't have to try to be me, I am me. (He said it better ) Then to mix in a little MB, to be me without lovebusting. <P>My H & I are feeling really at ease with one another. One of the other side effects of trying to hard for me, was becoming a bit humorless--and one of the things my H has always loved about me is I make him laugh.<P>The other thing, is it time for your H to do his 100%? If you are giving all the time, without getting, it's exhausting. What would be his reaction if you just "rested" (rather than backing off) in your relationship?<P>Just some thoughts.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).