I recently (one week ago) found out my husband has been having an affair for the past two years. He says he was blackmailed into staying out of fear that she would tell me about the affair. He finally, said enough and told her he did not care if she told me (this is his story).. She did call and tell me and only then did he admit it to me. He says it is over and like above, he was blackmailed and doesn't want to lose us. I have a question though,something that really bothers me and I just can't understand, he saw this person probably 3-4 times a week and talked to her every day, sometimes 3-4 times a day, they went places together, she gave him gifts (which he brought home and kept) My concern is, if he was blackmailed, why did he keep the gifts and when I asked how he felt about what she did to him, he said "I was a little pissed off". Well, to me you would HATE someone who did this to do (if they did). I think he is not being honest with me about his feelings for her or not being honest with himself - Please tell me what you think????

I heard that story too in the beginning. He wanted to end it but was afraid what she would do. Well, after she did write me a letter, he denied it for 3 days, finally admitted and within 3 months went back to her. I finally talked to her (they're both liars so I had to pick and choose which to believe) and I think the second time, he was the pursuer...probably not initially the first time but later on. I think this is a defense mechanism that they use not only for you but for themselves. It's really hard to comprehend what he's done all the while sitting in church each Sunday. If he was so afraid of her, why didn't he just come out and confess? I asked my H the same and his reply was "I couldn't talk to you." He's a pro at finding others to blame. It takes two to tango. <P>ow bought my H gifts too. He showed them to me and said a customer bought them for him. He even drove me by her new house-saying it was a "customer's" and he was curious where it was. Can you believe the gall? <P>Now he is embarrassed. He thought no one knew but everyone knew and he was quite the topic of gossip within his industry. She of course doesn't care as this is her hobby. <P>The bad thing about it is that this morning we got a call from his father's nursing home and I think he is dying. I was planning to file for divorce today (drinking won't stop is the reason)but those plans will have to be put on hold. The bad thing is that I know she'll show up. Whew! Just when you think things can't get worse...

H4L,<BR>How does your H handle fear? Does he face up to it or does he avoid it? Neither of those things fits his story. He could have called her bluff by telling you himself--the adult behavior, which few WS are able to do in a timely manner. Or he could have avoided her. You show me a man who can't avoid a woman if he really wants to. ("I'll call you/ I've been busy!")<P>If the contact was as much you say, he was a full participant & his story is meaningless. He may be going for your pity. He's probably at the stage where anything that comes out of his mouth doesn't have much to do with his brain activity, he may think he's being honest because the "blackmail" thing is the part of the story that he wants to be true--it makes him less of a bad guy if he was saving *you*.<P>Okay, now, you have to be smart. Do you want the marriage? He's telling you the affair is over and he wants you. If you want him, that is what you have to concentrate on right now. Read all over this site. Read SURIVIVING THE AFFAIR. Get into counseling. By yourself, if he won't go, because even if you never had personal issues, you do now.<P>You can make it through this. You will be confused, you will feel pain but it does not last forever and you can get to the point where your life is what you want it to be--even if it is not what you expected it to be.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).

Thanks, this is the first time I have even spoken to anyone about this, trying to handle it all on my own.... I want to save our marriage, I love him with all my heart, BUT I feel like if he can't be honest with me about the past how can I expect honesty out of him in the future - I just want him to tell me the truth about how he felt about her - and I so want him to HATE HER!!!!! <P>"so much to lose, yet so much pain!!"

H4L,<BR>And if instead of telling you he hates her, he tells you that he loved her, desired her, put her needs far above yours...well that might be honesty, but it won't make you feel better. And, if you think I'm being mean, this is what my H told me about her at one point. He won't ever hate her, even though now, a year later, he doesn't respect her...or himself...for their actions.<P>You want something (him to hate her) that you can't make happen, you can't control, no matter how you tear her character apart to your H. He has to make the thought transition of her as someone he desired to someone he won't ever be with again.<P>Honesty is very important. But have you ever had a conversation/activity/interaction with someone and later talking with that person realized the two of you had completely different impressions of that interaction? It doesn't mean either of you are lying, it reflects differences in thought, experience, interpretation.<P>Your H can give you every detail about his affair...but you still won't really understand how it was to be there. And getting every detail, which I did at his first disclosure (more affair followed) burned images into my mind that it took months & months to stop hurting.<P>Think about what you really want to know. Write down the questions even, then read them over and ask yourself if getting the answer will help your marriage, or if the underlying question is as simple as, "H do you love me and will you be faithful and stay with me?"<P>That said, you sound pretty together for someone who so recently found out. Pain and anger and mistrust are very much a part of the process.

<<the underlying question is as simple as, "H do you love me and will you be faithful and stay with me?"<P>That said, you sound pretty together for someone who so recently found out. Pain and anger and mistrust are very much a part of the process.>><P>H says he does love me and the kids and will not ever hurt us again - How do you just accept this from someone who has lied to you for two years and not being honest about the affair and the questions I have, even after it is out in the open..<P>I guess I am pretty much in control, but also good at hiding my feelings from others, don't want my problems broadcast to all. I have become a master at putting on an outward appearance for others when really the pain and hurt is "killing me" and I feel like I have no more tears to cry, but they still keep coming....<P>I love my H with all my heart and sole, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him (as I did twenty years ago January 12, 1980 when I married him), but the pain is so intense and unbearable at times. I just can't understand (and I know never will)how someone can break the sacred vows of marriage and blatently instill that kind of pain on someone supposedly they love enough to, at one time, want to spend the rest of their life with.... <P>I am going to try and work the marriage out, because I love him, always have and always will, but I feel like "he does not love me" and am hoping he can prove me wrong -- sometimes the littlest things or even a touch or thoughtful plan which includes the one you love, can make a world of difference.... <P>