It's true, it has been both for me!<P>Worst: Obviously because of dealing with the pain of betrayal that I found out about last October. I also became pregnant, then had a miscarriage while on a trip.<P>We started the new year with a promise to each other to live by the 4 rules. Nothing formal, just something I wanted to do.<P>I lost track after counting 16 weeks that I've spent on the road following him on business trips, mostly with a 3 and 5 year old in tow. Those were exciting and difficult.<P>The first time he went to OW's city, I asked him to plan it as a day trip (for business) because I could not bear to have him spend the night. I was still so AWARE of it all day. Things progressed until his trip last week there, I never worried about him contacting her. She never contacted us after that final no contact letter. Yes, he had attempted it and failed before d-day.<P>I hit a low shortly before d-day when I no longer wanted to live. Looking up from the bottom, I saw things more clearly. I realized I could raise my two wonderful children without him if I had to. I felt a strength I did not know I had.<P>Not sure what causes the difference but I felt much more hurt than angry. Yeah, there were times I was just plain mad at him...<P>The odd thing is that while this was a blow to my self image (told myself that he cheated on me because I'm not pretty enough...You know the things WE tell OURSELVES...I also saw myself in an entirely different light and really liked the person I saw! I had sold myself short, buried myself in meeting the needs of this family and thought he was so strong and wonderful...how lucky I was to have him.<P>He is so fortunate to have me giving him another chance to be a husband and father.<P>I too am so fortunate! That the A is over, that I could help him out of his self destructive spiral, that I let go of the anger I had carried for so many years just when I had more reason to be angry, that I've had the help of all of you and of Jennifer Harley. (He actually told her first on d-day).<P>I have stopped looking at him as the one who did this to me. We are two little birds with broken wings and we are helping each other...<P>For the first time and with his help, I'm learning to get rid off the negativity that I've always used as my lens to view life...<P>He is learning to listen, not jump to solutions. He has learned to value my very different perspective where before he thought our differences made me inferior...<P>He was particularly interested in the personality profile and values my input as an idealist, seeing my strengths...<P>His blinders had kept him from seeing that happiness was in his own house all the time...<P>He now adores the kids and loves to interact with our 5 yr old S. He taught him how to ride a bike on Sunday in just a half hour!...<P>I love to watch them...especially since I never thought he would do it and like it, or that we would still be together...<P>He and I talk about everything! I have always been a sounding board for his challenges at work, now we sound out each other for so many things...<P>We also both have very quick minds and had a great discussion where he was helping me to see that I was still holding onto negative views. I realized we had not had such mental sparring in a long time...<P>And I saved the best for last...I followed the path of plan A, 4 rules because I would not leave a stone unturned. I also have patiently helped him learn to make changes he needs to make. But I can't say I knew the results would be great. Remember I'm not an optimist!<P>There is so much love, so much passion! I think it was Lor said on a thread that regardless of whether we're together in 5 years, there is nowhere I would want to be right now. I'm too full here.<P>In fact, the only thing keeping me from being downright happy is that I keep wanting to go back to the past, that miserable past! And I'm the only one that can fix that...<P>I have spent a year analyzing and extracting things from the past. I believe I have extracted every last lesson I could. It is time for me to put up the tombstone, may the past rest in peace...<P>I am truly thankful for the amazing changes that I have seen in myself, my h, and us as a couple. And I am thankful again for the wonderful people here at MB. I hope this update will encourage some who are still struggling, can't quite see the light...<P><BR>

schizzo,<P>I loved this post...<BR>...and I'm gald I inspired you to write it!<P>I too feel some degree of success...<BR>...in how I've grown...<P>...I wish my W could have too.<P> <P>Jim

Schizzo, what a wonderful post. I feel like I'm heading in the same direction as you in being able to put the past behind me and completely heal from this situation. I, too, looked at everything negatively and have been able to change that and it is amazing how different I feel. I hope and pray that everything continues in this path for you, and that I will be sending a post similar to this in the future.<P>Take care!

<P>Is your renewed positive view heightened by being home for a few weeks?

schizzo,<P>do you think you'd be doing so well...personally...if you and your husband did not work it out? <P>i mean this only as a question from someone who's situation is still very much up in the air. i do see those on the boards that have gotten divorced and seem to be handling things well, but those of you who have put it back together with your spouses sound the best. is it possible to be happy with another outcome? would you be?<P>just trying to work it all out in my head.<P>allison

NSR,<P>I was still on last night when I saw your reply, thanks again. He came home last night from a trip that he was due back on this pm. I was truly glad he got out early (well, 11:30 pm is not early ). I think it was the first time I was truly glad to see him, no yes, but...<P>He even called me from the airport to let me hear the airline announcements so I would know he was there (he used to lie about flights and go to OW#1s house). But the whole thing was lighthearted. I'm really able to listen to him even when I feel threatened. He told me this morning about the beautiful woman he noticed on the plane right in front of him and what went on in his mind.<P>hurtinginil - sounds like you are doing great! It took me almost a year to really admit I had a choice in being negative, and this was with a lot of help from my h. Phil McGraw's book helped tremendously!<P>I am still interested in joining you on your trip, but there are several things I would still need to work out. My h liked the idea too. I just don't want to go if he is here working, I would want to coincide with him travelling (especially since he goes so much). I also want to know if he could come for the weekend (it's a 4 hour drive for us). Finally, we would decide whether to buy annual passes again - big cash outlay for four people.<P>I guess your h's meetings are only on the weekdays? I think the 4 of you should be together as much as possible, so I would be interested in getting together while he's working. While I haven't stayed there, I know the Yacht Club well, wonderful place!<P>FHL - yeah I guess I'm not cut out for homeschooling. I'm so glad to have some time again!<P>Az,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>i do see those on the boards that have gotten divorced and seem to be handling things well, but those of you who have put it back together with your spouses sound the best. is it possible to be happy with another outcome? would you be?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm the only one allowed to ask hard questions. <P>I've learned that I can't say what I would do in a situation I'm not in! I'm one who swore that any infidelity would be the end period. And my goofball h "remembers" me saying one would be ok, yeah right. <P>There are several on the board like Sheba who are doing well moving on w/out the reconciliation.<P>I believe the key is that gain tremendous clarity as you work your end. But you know you can't control him! So the outcome is not really up to you, and you have not failed either way. Then, it's up to you to go beyond making the "best of it" and really create your own experience in some other way.<P>Did you see this thread? I believe Nellie is in a difficult situation but she CHOOSES to be so negative. My mother was bitter following her own divorce after all the abuse my step-father inflicted. She finished raising her kids and now lives alone, but she is content with her life and has found many outlets including music.<P>I used to engage Nellie in threads many months ago, but gave up...<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/005783.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/005783.html</A> <P>I went back and realized you have since you posted the last response.<P><p>[This message has been edited by schizzo (edited September 28, 2000).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>We are two little birds with broken wings and we are helping each other...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><sniffle><P>That was so beautiful <insert heart icon, if we had one!><P>Hugs, Sheryl

Thanks, NB<P>I'm letting my more poetic side out for a breather now and then...