Posted this in the recovery section too. Need wisdom.<P>Our celebration of my H's birthday weekend included the first contact in 15 months from the OW. She sent him an e-mail that directed him to a web site that had a birthday card. My H didn't want to spoil our celebration of the actual birthday so told me the next day what had happened. <BR>We are among the VERY fortunate because my H assures me that knew well before I found out about the affair that he did not want to be with this woman and was indeed relieved to have the whole mess called to a halt. In addition he never stopped loving me and regrets straying far more than any experience of his life. <P>When he told me she had contacted him, he did an excellent job of assuring me of his love (even in the face of having some unpleasant moments between us earlier that day) and told me how utterly repulsed he is by her. All this inspired me to fall in love with him all over again.<P>My H had reduced the relationship to e-mail only and had moved to start a new job and begin a new life with me when I found an e-mail love letter from her on an account that we were both using. I had stayed in the old home town tending to our house. Immediately after I found out about the affair, I told him that if he wanted to rebuild our marriage he would need to cut off all contact with her. He assured me that he wanted to rebuild our marriage with all his heart and immediately wrote her a letter that told her his love had been superficial, that he had not intended for their relationship to be other than short-term, and that we were going to try to work things out in our marriage. He also very plainly asked that she never contact him again. (It took me one day to feel the first glimmer of forgiveness, two days to realize that I still loved him even though he'd had the affair, and several weeks to believe that it was possible for us to rebuild our marriage as two healed and strong individuals truly committed to each other.) <P>I also wrote her that I was in a dilemma about whether or not to tell her husband (because I believe people should not have to live a lie and if I can help another person out of a lie I should) but had decided not to for the sake of their child. I also told her that if she contacted my husband again I would be making a phone call. (I was very angry!) About a week after sending the letter my H called his former office and very unexpectedly, she answered. He kept the conversation completely professional. He told me about it immediately and again reported feeling nothing but nauseated by her. <P>Now what to do about this contact. Last night we have agreed that he will block her e-mail address and will begin a letter to her, telling her "the truth", just in case she would contact him again. To my mind this would be something along the lines of telling her how he only regrets that period of his life, how repulsed he is by her, that we are completely committed to our marriage and although we regret how it happened, she did serve the purpose of a catalyst for us to realize how much we love each other. <P>This afternoon I'm thinking that I would like for both of us to call her. He could tell her that we have recommitted ourselves to our marriage and that for her families' sake, especially her daughter, we hope she and her husband can create a healthy marriage. I could tell her that I am still not going to contact her husband because it is her job to deal with him. We could each tell her that we are again requesting that she never contact us again. I'm liking this because it is feels graceful, courageous, courteous, and proactively sets boundaries. We take control and don't leave it in her hands. What do you all think?<P>

Think you are very lucky to have an H who is so committed to your marriage's recovery. <P>Also liked your attitude about being proactive and courageous and graceful but I'm afraid when you mentioned bounderies a red flag went up. <P>You already set limits (albeit you were angry at the time) and she crossed them by contacting your H again. What kind of message does it send if two don't follow thru?<P>How many times are you going to draw that line in the sand? <BR> <BR>She may be the type of OW that can't stop on her own without outside assistance--like from her H. Some can't stop themselves even then if their H's can't help resolve the problems in their marriage!<P>OW's H told me of the A. And it hurt BAD! But I'm glad I didn't grow another day older being the last to know. I've got a life to live and plans I want see thru. I need to know all the facts in my life so I can make appropriate decisions. I'm glad I was told.<P>My take on it, anyway.<P>

I understand your point. H hates confrontation. He does not want for either of us to call her H at this time.

However, he did agree at the time that if she ever did contact him a call would be the plan.

Need to hear from several folks who are very well grounded in MB principles. Not interested in venting here want to handle this well. please help.

Today,<BR>My H handles email contact by either ignoring it or passing her work requests onto other people (he's up the chain of command from her, with a couple people in between).<P>Your H did not initiate this Bday card. I think it could just be ignored. If you sit and stew over a letter...you're letting her back into your lives, reaffirming that they indeed had a relationship, even if the H is no longer fond of the memory--something might ignite. She knows he wants no contact and if he writes a letter, not only has she contacted him, she's been rewarded with a return contact, which she might comment on. You know, thank you for thanking me for....<P>If she continues with more cards/contact...call her H.<P>I think a "no contact" letter is best followed by the sender with no more contact, including responses to OP contact. But since you did make the call to the H as a consequence, I don't see it as moving the line in the sand, I see it as this deserves reconsideration of how YOU want to respond to this "fishing lure".<P>I know I've made threats that I don't want to carry out. Sure, I shouldn't have made them in the first place, but I don't need to compound my hasty words with an action that I no longer (or ever) considered the best response.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by today:<BR><B>Need to hear from several folks who are very well grounded in MB principles. Not interested in venting here want to handle this well. please help.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I would ignore it. Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing she is even a factor. Don't disrupt your relationship by adding the stress of further contact.<P>If she contacts him again, then you should perhaps take some action, whether it be a reiterated no contact letter or something else,like you reminding her of your dilemma over informing her H.<P>Let it go. It's a birthday card after 15 months. Don't let it pull you back into the morass.<P>

Absolutely ignore her!<P>Any response will be giving her attention. It is best to act as if she doesn't exist. And I don't believe it is anyone else's place to tell her h. That is her job...

It has been 4 months since d-day but I, too, told the OW that I would tell her husband everything if contact was ever made again between her and my husband. At the time she did not plan to the her husband and if she did tell him she would not tell him everything. She has not contacted my husband since (although she has contacted me twice). If I were you I would just ignore the card..I would think she is sitting at home "wondering" about the response... just let her sit. No response would be the best revenge (for lack of a better word). She is nothing to you..a nobody. If contact were initiated again (or in person) I would not hesitate to contact her husband.

Thanks folks. I'm thinking that the best policy is block and ignore even if there ever is additional contact. Don't think she'd take it to the harassment level. And yes, I agree that I am reconsidering my threat to a better course of action: None.<P>Why was this so hard to figure out?!? It's a no-brainer really.

Hello today,<P>The OW in my situation contacted my H (via e-mail), after 9 months of his breaking off with her. She tried to manipulate her way into our lives again by writing how she just wanted to know how he is.<P>Unfortunately, my H responded back and because of some inkling feeling that I had, I checked his e-mail. I caught his response to her and had I not caught it from the beginning, they probably would have begun corresponding back & forth.<P>I confronted him with the evidence and told him that after 9 months of recovery and working towards rebuilding our marriage, I wasn't going to waste my time anymore working on us, if he wasn't completely in to it. I told him that he could go to her if he wanted to, but to be prepared for my departure. I was just so tired of everything so I did give him an ultimatum, although I know this is against MB principles.<P>He immediately assured me that he wanted our marriage and he even suggested that he would write her a "no contact" letter. I witnessed as he typed it and sent it to her. We haven't heard from her since.<P>I really am amazed what some OW will put herself through, just to re-initiate contact. It can be many many months...and they still do it...sigh!

Some of you know I have a view from both the BS & WS sides so:<P>I think the wondering if the OP or MP (married person) is okay is simply fall-out from an affair that was begun with friendship. The 2 feel close & share their lives & thoughts. After the affair is over, the needs/time the OP or MP fulfilled are missed--MB calls it withdrawal. <P>The key missing thought here is that contacting the OP or responding to a contact hurts the recovering marriage partner and that is the priority that the WS/MP needs to keep in mind. And wondering how the OP or MP is, is not a question with a finite answer--the affair person finds out the other is ok today, but what about tomorrow? It just leads to more contact & communication, exactly how the affair may have begun initially. <P>That is why no contact is the rule, and why co-workers who have had an affair, but continue to work together have such a hard time REALLY ending it.<P>The good news I can pass on as a long-ago WS is withdrawal & thoughts of the OP can completely fade away. For me it is a memory, but one that I feel or want no part of. When the OM called me a couple years ago after a silence of 8 years, just as my H left me, the OM had no appeal for me. He came to see me and my reaction was nothing, as if he was a stranger. He would have been a seemingly easy answer to my marriage problems, but I chose instead to do what I could to save my marriage. <P>I pray that each of your (former) WS feel such disinterest in their OP. Once again, time, patience & love are the healing factors.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).