Statistics say that once a spouse cheats that there is a very high chance they will do so again. I was wondering if your spouse that betrayed you did so again and should one prepare themself for the inevitable?

Jeremy...aren't you a pastor? Do you have an email address that I could write to you at?

Lighthouse,<P>Dowo6349@aol.com

My H has had 3 BUT I don't believe that "once a cheater, always a cheater" applies to every situation. In fact, I believe it is the exception in most cases.... just not in my case.<P>God Bless,<BR>Enlightened

At least 3 times in my case.<P>After 2 years, 10 years & 19 years of marriage. <BR>I didn't discover it 'till last one.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

<BR>In my case, there have been 5 in the last three years.<P>That I'm aware of.<P>Slightly Sane<BR>

Jeremy:<P>I don't know your story or why you're asking but I really believe that each situation is too different to make a general inference about whether S will cheat again.<P>The marital situation, the time, the emotional climate and many other factors play into why and when a S may cheat.<P>Although my H has cheated 3 times in the past...the first two of them were brief EAs...the final PA continued off and on for five years, I can link each of these periods of infidelity (during 25 years of marriage) to times when he was in emotional turmoil or in health crisis. So I guess you might say that were part of his coping skills for dealing with his life. Bad choices, but understandable.<P>Like all human experiences, once the pattern of fidelity is broken, it's difficult not to revert to these unacceptable behaviors because they supply a quick fix to the situation. The MB principles give us a way to resolve these difficulties within the marital relationship. <P>Faye<P> <BR>

::raising hand::<P>H had 2 ea's and 2 PA's that I know of. <P>And now he wonders why I'm still afraid he will hurt me again. :: go figure.<P>------------------<BR>Deb<P>Hepatitis C, Please educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In" TARGET=_blank>http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In</A> memory of a very dear friend <A HREF="http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp" TARGET=_blank>http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp</A>

I tend to believe that "once a cheater, always a cheater", but it depends on what was done after discovery. I think the reason the cycle repeats is that most cheaters don't feel any regret or try to analyse where they went wrong. They don't take any of the responsibility.<P>I know many, many cheaters and they ALL cheat again. As far as my marriage, my H had 1 EA, 3 long term PAs without any emotional attachment, and probably a series of hit and run type encounters. There could be more, but these are what I have evidence of.<P>I found out about the affairs all about the same time. After discovery he did not stop cheating, although he said he did. I doubted that he was telling the truth, but found out the hard way when I got an STD. He said he didn't have to be faithful or honest because we were separated.<P>The STBX takes comfort wherever he can find it. He's a conflict avoider, so when there is conflict, instead of working through problems, he goes where he can be free of worries. Of course, this keeps him running and without any real kind of love or attachment. Sad, isn't it? He is not changing. He's still justifying everything and blaming me. I feel he will be one of those locked in the cycle of betrayal.<P>Of course, I don't feel ALL betrayers are this way. I must hope that some do change.<p>[This message has been edited by popeye (edited October 05, 2000).]

Count me in ...<P>15 years of marriage (total 20 yrs together), PA with two diff women on marriage yr 6.5, then again on year 14.5. <P>We recovered from the first instance, but obviously we didn't know about MB hence the second occurence. I believe my H IS a serial cheater. The word commitment/Marriage means "only until I feel different". To quote him "A person can only keep a promise for so long". <P>Jo

Hi all,<P>With my first marriage, that was definitely true. Everytime I was deployed or in the field, the exW took this as an opportunity to go and play. Found out about most of this after the marriage was over.<P>With my current marriage the A's are still pretty recent history, too soon to tell. I don't think that she will do it again, we won't let our relationship get to that point.<P>I think that the propensity is there, and as with anything after the first time it is always easier the second time around. I don't think that this is inevitable though.<P>Jason<P>------------------<BR>"Thinking is easy, action is difficult; to act in accordance with one's thoughts is the most difficult thing in the world."<BR>- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I had to reply to this one:<P>First marriage, I was the wayward spouse. I got the point where I was very flirtatious and silly with a lot of men, then I found my "soulmate." I had an very overwhelming emotional affair--no sex, my reasoning for this was that he was so much the one for me, I would even wait for "that special day." I wouldn't have quit. I would have kept on til doomsday. I asked for a divorce, H divorced me, and it was over in 2 months. The minute he divorced me, the fun and games were over. I was horrified. I have never suffered so much in my life until now.<P>Would I ever do this again? No way in hell. I would die a million deaths before I ever cheated on my husband, ever.<P>Second marriage, I was the betrayed spouse. <P>No, I am not thinking that this is my "just reward." But now I know, and can have some kind of understanding, of what I caused and the aftermath of all that I did. I have a lot of peace over it. It may sound strange.<P>Were I ever to be married again, you can be darn sure that I would do my best to be the perfect wife, and how to maintain an affair proof marriage. I know the answers now, after having seen both sides.<P>Bottom line: You will keep doing something that you can get away with. If you don't get busted out for your foolishness, then it will progress until you are out of control.<P>If you do it something again after suffering the consequences (ie, divorce, losing custody of children) then you are just plain stupid.<p>[This message has been edited by Bernzini (edited October 06, 2000).]

My counsellor told me that almost all the cases he sees are people who have cheated before or who grew up in homes where the parent was adulterous. He said that it seems that people who have cheated before tend to go on cheating whereas faithful spouses tend to stay that way.<P>One pastor told me that you can pray for hedges of protection so that your spouse cannot get to a lover nor a lover can to him/her, and to include that even if a lover gets through, that the wayward spouse will still love you and come back.<P>Another pastor said that pray for God to break soulish ties because in the bible, if one were to sleep with a prostitute, one becomes one flesh, and any spirits of lust or hatred or rejection can get into the wayward spouse or the betrayed spouse. This ties will be broken upon full and complete repentance and confession and deliverance before Jesus. Rebuking the soulish ties will break that.<P>Furthermore, if you commit, together with your spouse, your wayward spouse and marriage to Jesus, the wayward spouse should be more hungry for the word of God and with that knowledge will be better able to walk in the light.<P>God speed<BR>weep

This is the scariest thing I have witnessed yet. I kind of wish you had not brought up the stats on multiple cheatings. This is my H's first, and if it is not his last he will not be married to me any longer.<P>It sounds very non-MB, but that is the reality of it. If I go through this hell only to go through it again, I won't. It is that simple. <P>I'll hire a hit-man! No, just kidding, but I won't go through this again. If I even get through it this time. My H has not even come out of the fog yet. No lighthouse in sight for us yet...

burnedspouse,<P>I didn't bring it up to scare anyone but I think anyone who has been through it is probably already sufficiently scared, leery, and sometimes paranoid about it. My eyes and ears are certainly in tune to far more around me than previously. I hope it doesn't happen again but from the response and history of those on this board it almost seems like a certainty.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by burnedspouse:<BR><B>If I go through this hell only to go through it again, I won't. It is that simple.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I agree 100%. Since my last D-Day 14 months ago, I've made it very clear that I won't be doing this again. If I find out there's another one, or that the one(s) I've been told are over aren't truly over, I'll be gone within the hour. No more warnings, no more chances, no more counseling, no more plan A, just a little more space in the garage.<P>It's not an idle threat. I honestly don't think I could physically survive another discovery.<P>Slightly Sane<BR>

You know, when I let my H back in my life after his first infidelity, which I might add was a doozey (2 OC from 2 OW) I was told by many many people that "Once a cheater, always a cheater". Some of these people were professional ppl, counselors, pastors etc.<P>I didn't listen, I thought my love for my H and his for me would overcome any obstacle and this thing he did was a big mistake (his mother had just died that same year and it was a very long painful death for her) My H never openly mourned her, and he and his mom were very very close.<P>But here we are again, the things that transpired this time were exacly the same symptoms and it scared the hell out of me. I could almost set my watch by what was going to happen next.<P>Lies<BR>Sneaking around<BR>Saying very weird things, like life isn't forever, we have to grab what we can now.<BR>Then disease.<BR>Missing money.<P>Every single thing that happened this time was identical to the last time. Only thing that was diff was the woman. It was like the same DUCK just a different set of feathers.<P>So unfortunetly I tend to buy into the "Once a Cheater, always a Cheater", I don't want to, but experience has shown me different.<P>Can someone help to negate what I percieve please???<P>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited October 06, 2000).]

ditto here, H had 2 one night stand, and years later 2 extend E&P affairs.. is there really any hope for change, outside of a miracle?

Hi there,<P> This thread is downright scary...! I will tell you that there are some on this board where the A was a one time thing....there's K, HGBrawner, Lostva and I THINK us.<P> After 20yrs. of marriage my H had an affair , the only one I was sure of but a friend planted suspicion in my thinking saying, "how do you know it didn't happen before?". My H was military for 11yrs. and now I wonder about the months away.....It's so hard to fathom this after one way of thinking but who knows anymore? <P> I'm very interested to hear what others have to say. This also makes me worry about the future and is it possible to "affair proof" your marriage as Harley says? LU<P> <BR>

Lu,<P>I agree that it is scary. With this question in mind I would be interested to know how many also believe that they know the "complete truth" and how many suspect much more.......what do you all say?