Just thought I'd take a little poll here, becaue this is beginning to happen with me.<P>I've always loved the way my H looks. He is not at all classically good looking. Bald, overweight...but every time I thought about it I thought he was just perfect. Even in the worst of times. I even find myself attracted to men just like him.<P>I saw him driving a few days ago. I thought to myself, that he just doesn't look like the man I love. I see his flaws, for the first time. He is not someone I would look at anymore and get turned-on by.<P>Has this happened to anyone else. They say love is blind. Are my eyes starting to open up?<P>allison~<P>------------------<BR>

Allison:<P>Feet of Clay...huh.<P>Yes, I guess we all reach the point where we wonder whether we really want this person back at all. What's so special about him...it's certainly not his looks...although he thinks he's really "hot stuff" now...or his "winning personality"...that really stinks right now...or his charisma (What? Only OW can believe that!!!) <P>Our impressions are so colored by our feelings that it's hard to say that we could not be attracted again to our WS. Certainly not as they are now...but maybe...if that fella we once knew was to wander on back...Well, Maybe. <P>I am the type person who once I love you then you are in my heart forever, for good or bad. I may have disagreements with you and we may part, but a little piece of you always remains and it's enough to build on if needed in the future. So it is with my H.<BR>We may be miles apart but he is part of what I am, part of what he has made me through our lives together, and I will carry that with me no matter how my life works out, and a part of me will always love and care for him.<P>Look within yourself and see if it is not the same for you. <P>Faye

But Faye...<P>Isn't it better for me if I start to see him as he is now? Won't it make this easier in the long run if I don't see him and still want him?<P>Your post was beautifuly written. I'd love to hold that feeling close to my heart, but if I stop loving him, he can't hurt me. <P>Trying here to detach, trying to move on, trying to protect myself. Go over to the divorced boards...you'll see what I mean. They had these WS walking in and out of thier<BR> lives so many times...they had to harden themselves for protection.<P>Can I detach and still feel love? How?<P>allison

/<p>[This message has been edited by Trapped Mom (edited March 20, 2001).]

My problem is that my H is hot. I mean very very good looking. So everytime I see him I think of only one thing. I will always be attracted to him physically. Emotionally though he hurt me so much that I do not have those same feelings for him anymore. I don't want him back but yet when I look at him I want him. Make sense?<P>Jill

I am still attracted to my H (WS). My problem is he is no longer attracted to me. I feel that I took him for granted and he didn't realize that I found him attractive and that was part of our problem. Now I look at other men his age to see if I think I could find someone else. No one else measures up. My H is very fit and looks young for his age (39).

Well emotionally I don't think I'm attracted to him anymore. Lately I started to remember his doings before the A, and they really annoys me now! At the time I was so in love so I just didn't care.. but I do now. I'm sure losing my love for him.. he hasn't done anything to keep my love for him, and he doesn't care(although he says he cares--but only the words, no actions), so I don't care either..<BR>I feel sad after years it has to end like this but I guess I learned the lesson in a hard way.<P>Meg

It's a protective detachment/withdrawal mechanism. If he's not so great looking or so good-hearted, I don't need him and he can't hurt me. <P>Can really identify with this one as I know I'm doing it to some extent too. Even tho we're in recovery, it's hard to rebuild trust.<P>I think WS do it in reverse when they fall for OP--they will only see our flaws in order to rationalize their bad behavior.<BR>That may be partially what Carolina Belle was experiencing when she started that thread quoting her H.<P><BR>

Physically, I am as attracted to my wife as much as ever....maybe more. I was always the one who was the pursuer as far as the physical stuff was concerned. Emotionally is far different though. I think I waited too long to go into Plan B. The longer we go without her here, the less I am starting to care. 2 months ago, I would have given everything I owned to have her back. Now I don't know if i would take her back. The final wakeup call was I blew a knee out playing soccer this weekend, and she ignored my calls until this evening. (looks like arthroscopic, will see after othopedic visit tomorrow or Tues) I couldn't even get to the drug store for a brace, or ace bandage. I had to get a friend of mine to come help me, I can't even put my damn sock on. I guess it finally hit home that she is not there for me anymore. My wife moved out 4 months ago and is no closer to coming home than the day she left. I know I will always love her, but I think the sun has set on our marriage. <P>SS4N<P>PS My real name is Joel...I hate secrets and anonymity, now more than ever

Allison,<BR>Can not post much,H reads what I write.Without being offensive,yes it is happening to me also.In fact it does work well for detaching to think of H's unpleasant characteristics.<BR>Beth<BR>

Allison-<BR>I think it's a step in the right direction for you to be detaching from your H. Hope it doesn't work out that way for you, but it will hurt less if he ends up not coming back.<P>As for me, I am still physically attracted to my H- maybe even more so than I was a couple of years ago- probably because I'm investing a lot of time and energy into this Plan A thing. Strange thing is... H has just started telling me (first time since about 6 years ago) that he finds me very attractive. I don't know if he is seeing me differently these days or if he just decided to tell me for some reason. Kinda makes you wonder....<P>Joel-<BR>I'm sorry your W was not there for you when you needed her. And I totally understand you feelings about secrets and anonymity. I'm there too.

Hi Allison, I think it may just be your self protection!!!! I feel similarly. It's not a matter of attraction. I could feel the attraction to my H... but I guess I am protecting myself as well. <P>I guess the warm fuzzy feelings would come back if you (and I) were having any emotional needs met. It's funny how it all works. I guess I never thought about it too much until now. You would get it all back, if the two of you made the decision to love each other!!!!!!! Remember...love doesn't just "happen"..... infatuation does!!!

My H was physically less attractive to me before the affair. He really did some GOOD things for himself when he got involved with OW--lost weight, started working out more, new clothes. He LOOKED AWESOME. Naive me, I was bragging to all my good friends what a HUNK my H had become...praising him...telling him how pleased I was that he finally took the initiative to lose the weight...telling him how much I LUSTED after him now. Come to think of it, I was definitely filling his LB with adoration/admiration back then--but I guess it only empowered him and gave him more confidence to pursue OW more vigorously...sad, huh?<P>Physically, he still looks good now--11 months post d-day. He's kept the weight off, etc. And, although I consider him to be a good looking man, he's not quite *the same*. It's hard to explain, but personality/character have a lot to do with attractiveness (for me anyway)...and part of his innocence (little boy charm) is now gone forever. He's simply a man who happens to have a nice face/body. I guess you could say I'm no longer *under his spell*.<P>Emotionally, I'm still attracted to him--I still love my H. Again, not the same way. It's hard to put into words, but it goes back to inner character and what he lacks/or lacked during A. I guess it has somewhat to do with respect. I've really, really, really been trying to work on this issue. I have moved past stating: I don't repect H (negative thought pattern) and instead try to re-phrase my thoughts as: I don't respect H's behavior/choices (somewhat easier to accept). For me, his choice to pursue the A shows personal weakness...it's this weakness that I find so unattractive. <P>~Marie

Ditto all of the above (if it's still Marie) and....<P>We're supposed to do all the love bank deposits even tho we don't have much attraction or feeling to do it. Eventually, those feelings of attraction or respect are supposed to return. And if they meet our needs and avoid LBusting, then those feelings will return and multiply.<P>This is the tough part. It's like suppression but it's a requirement according to Harley. Somedays I feel like I don't have the strength to be like Gandi! <P>But I think I did pretty good this weekend. <BR>

I, too looked at my W and thought: "Is she really that great?"<P>Truth is, she's very attractive, but my eyes were clouded over by a certain special kind of fog.<P>My therapist describes it like this: Your concious mind has a "shadow"...an unconcious side that rises up to protect you emotionally. This shadow self is keeping track of how many times you've been hurt by your WS, and when the tally reaches a certain point, your unconcious will do things to protect you emotionally. Like pushing your WS away, detatching emotionally, and shutting down that part of you that still finds him attractive.<P>This "shadow" self is out to protect you at all costs. So if you find yourself less attracted to him, or withdrawing from him, or (as in my case) being a jerk to him, without even knowing why, or even knowing that you're doing it, that may be what's happening. You've been hurt, and the only way your unconcious "shadow" can protect you is to get you away from him at all costs.<P>Part of me is still hopelessly turned on by my W. But every time I have those feelings, it's like a little voice goes off in my head: "Hold on there, cowboy...this is the person that hurt you really bad...don't even go there!"...and I start acting like a jerk.<P>She goes away, and I feel better...I didn't even realize what was happening.<P>The unconcious mind is a powerful thing, and sometimes it works in your favor. Yes, you probably need to detatch for awhile. You've heard the old saying "can't see the forest for the trees"? You need to get out of the forest for awhile.

Originally posted by Az Allison:<BR> <BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>"Trying here to detach, trying to move on, trying to protect myself. Go over to the divorced boards...you'll see what I mean. They had these WS walking in and out of thier<BR>lives so many times...they had to harden themselves for protection."<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I don't really need to go anywhere to experience what you're talking about...I've lived it for 5 years...and I agree that you do have to do something to protect yourself from their thoughtless cruel behavior at times....that why I'm alone...by choice.<P>But I can separate my feelings for that confused hurt inflicting stranger that usurped my H's body 5 years ago from those that I feel for the person I married 25 years ago. They have so little in common as to be the total antithesis of each other.<P>So when I look now I see only the stranger...and yes he is ugly...and if the man I knew never returns then I will not mourn the loss of this poor substance for what once was. <P>But the shell is the same...and therein resides the residue of my lost love...and my greatest pain...but I cannot deny one for the other. Only time, distance and memories can do that for me.<P>Faye<BR> <P><BR> <p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited October 10, 2000).]

My husband is a very attractive man.<P>But. . .Since the affair, his tummy has gotten bigger, his hair has turned all grey, those rock hard pecs and bi-ceps that I used to stare at are gone.<P>He drinks a lot of beer.<P>Once, while he was still involved with Miss Kitty, he was kissing me--I saw all the lines around his eyes that had never been there before.<P>I think that he has done it to himself--he's turned him into an old fart long before his time. Well-earned stress.

I guess I am the oddball. My H never was all that physically attractive to me, although other women think so. So, he hasn't become suddenly hunky or repulsive. <P>I've never been one to judge a book by its cover anyway and tend to see people by what they are inside. Trouble is, now I see my H for what he is, and it really doesn't bother me. Don't get me wrong. I know his adultery and lies are wrong, but they don't affect me like they used to. I don't take it personally anymore. It doesn't hurt me anymore. <P>The weird thing is, I see my H with all his warts, so he should be repulsive, but he's not. He's a sad man in need of love and help.