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I too had a house of cards.<BR>Some of you know a bit about my horrible childhood. Unknowingly, I built a house of cards. I thought if I just try harder, do better, I will get the love I so desperately need. I made straight As in high school, a 3.7 in college while working, passed the CPA exam the first sitting, landed the big job with the Ernst & Young. Based on my personality tests, I have no business being an accountant at all, but I wanted love and approval...<P>Like Cinderella, I was looking for my prince. Not to support me financially, I was doing great on my own, thank-you. To love me, and I would give him everything in return. Though I travelled all over and met many great men, I saved myself for the one...<P>To make a long story short...He had a long and checkered "dating" history, had been dumped and floundered for two years, no job, no money, while I had been working in my career for 7 years. I thought we were a great match!<P>Long before there was an OW, there was his first love: work. Because we normally think of hard working as a good thing, I told him how it bothered me, but I never saw it as an addiction with many similarities to the alcoholic.<P>I'm not talking about someone who worked a lot. I mean somenone who dreamed, thought, relished...WORK. He came home to eat and sleep. All I got were the leftovers.<P>It took my house of cards, my predisposition to live with this and defend him to others to support his structure. It turns out I am seriously codependent (a word I don't like).<P>My house of cards shook to its foundation a year ago when he wanted to move out and on, still weeks before d-day.<P>It has now crashed, and the pain is deep. Last week I just broke down and went with it, barely functioning. It's ok. I feel I am still in control.<P>The entire last year has been about HIM, getting over his LOVE FOR HER, he felt NOTHING for me he said. And NOTHING for his beautiful children.<P>I was back in try harder mode. Help his get over HER. I need to be prettier, sexier (especially as his tongue would hang out around the YOUNG fillies (OW 2 was 21). I need to have the kids treat him with respect (huh?). I need everything to be perfect when he comes home from work...<P>This has been my life. I won't do it anymore. I need to untangle our relationship, knowing full well there may be nothing left when I'm done...I need to be whole. What makes it so difficult is that I have noone to draw the love I need from - no loving parents or family.<P>We have talked. He is willing to leave or respect any boundaries I set up. I would be shooting myself in the foot right now if I wanted him not to touch me. I NEED to be touched. It would be emotional starvation...<P>I am now focused on me. His response? He wants to quit his job, yeah, the one that has been his first love. But I don't want that! I am finally at peace with him being here only on weekends and now he wants it all to be about HIM again!<P><BR>

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Hi cindy,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>I thought if I just try harder, do better, I will get the love I so desperately need. I made straight As in high school, a 3.7 in college while working, passed the CPA exam the first sitting, landed the big job with the Ernst & Young. Based on my personality tests, I have no business being an accountant at all, but I wanted love and approval...<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Boy, can I relate to that!<P>I think you definitely need to start focusing on you. You need to build yourself back up again or you can't be a good partner in your marriage. You can't give more than you have.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>I am now focused on me. His response? He wants to quit his job, yeah, the one that has been his first love. But I don't want that! I am finally at peace with him being here only on weekends and now he wants it all to be about HIM again!<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I don't understand how quitting his job, his first love as you put it, is about him. It sounds to me like he wants to do whatever it takes to help you, to support you, even if that means giving up his job. It sounds to me like he's putting you first for once. Why are you resisting that? Did I miss an important piece of the equation?<P><BR>

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schizzo Offline OP
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TS,<P>Thanks for responding. I wasn't very clear on that. No, it is not selfish on his part, in fact, it is a very good thing. It is that I'm now faced again with helping him make a major decision that will greatly affect us. I want to focus on myself for awhile!!<P>I need to clarify about the job:<P>First, this is very recent that I feel "content" with him being away from me.<BR> <BR>For over 6 years, he has been in the have suitcase, will travel racket. It has its ups and downs, but last week was the first time he has NOT gone since April 1. It is 3 to 4 days EVERY WEEK.<P>I don't know how to unravel this. Then, the 1 or 2 days he is here, he has to "catch up" at the office, making for long hours. So we have weekends, and he is tired, has no hobbies...we have two small kids who need attention...<P>As I write this, I see it cannot be sustained. I have wanted him to get out of this for so long, and now I question, "is it just because I want some space that I resist?"<P>He says he wants to do it for him. And though it sounds crazy, he would leave and later decide what is next, take some time. We can do that right now.<P>Is it making any sense so far?<P>He has only really been a parent to them during this year. I don't know why he didn't care before. Since I faced single parenting, I feel like the only parent, with anything from him being a nice extra...<P>It should not be this way. This is further felt since whenever they misbehave, it is my job?? Can I really believe my h is changing in a major way?? He brought up the fact that the children do not trust him, he has a long way to go to regain that. And it will be hard if he continues only being here on weekends. In, out, in, out...you know?<P>I have spent 16 weeks following him around this year, mostly with the kids. He would be so happy we can live like this, I tried to be enthusiastic. Yeah, I love to travel, but not like that. He would work all week, while I would find ways to help the kids adjust and enjoy ourselves...<P>So why do I now want him to stay at work?<P>Financial security, plus the carrot, we are so close to doing really well with the stock, but that is allusive...(illusive?)<P>The separation I want to make up my own mind and heal my wounds.<P>He has tried getting out of the "racket" before and deeply resented it. I find it hard to believe what he says, that he is now so into the family. I do not want to set myself up for more hurt!!!!<P>

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I think I understand now. You're afraid of coming within inches of what you really want only to have it blow up in your face. If it's going to blow up, it's best not to be too close. <P>But if you don't approach it, you're denying yourself the chance to even TRY to get what you want. <P>Or are you just not even sure what you want at this point? You're probably very tired emotionally and want to take some time to sort through all you have been through and put all the 'stuff' in its appropriate place before trying to look at more 'stuff' or even moving the 'stuff' around. You want things to stay the same for a while to give you time to adjust. Is that close?

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schizzo Offline OP
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TS,<P>You're a smart cookie. Remember, I haven't yet been to my first solo counselling session. Have to wait until next week!<P>So, not even sure what the stuff is right now...I just naturally don't want either of us to make more mistakes along the way...<P>And yes, being so close to what I've wanted and wondering why my h is coming up with all this on his own...

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schizzo,<P>Men do change sometimes. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] But just remember doing nothing can also rock the boat, especially if it is in fast moving water. It sounds to me that you are very tired and very frustrated and you really don't want to be confronted with another major decision, no matter where it comes from.<P>So why don't you tell your H this and tell him he has to decide what he wants and you will decide what you want. Then see what transpires in the next few months.<P>Schizzo, get some rest. You sound so very worn out. <P>By the way, men do tend to bond with children when they are around them more. It gets very hard to leave them once you do bond. Often they (H's) will stay distanced so that they don't miss them so much when the travel. Seen it many times. So you traveling with H seems to have given him chance to be around them, and those little critters have a way of getting to your heart if you are around them alot. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] They are definitely not defenseless. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Rest up and go to counseling. You don't have to make any decisions at this point. If your H does, then so be it.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

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JL,<P>I had a reply begun and my kids took over...<P>I am very tired. Not sure if it is good POJA to tell him he has to decide this one, especially as the ramifications on the family are big. But you're right, I can't do it right now, I am very tired...

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schizzo:<P>Seeing as we're in this "recovery" mode, I though I'd share with you something that Steve told me during counseling.<P>When you get close to your goal of a recovered marriage, you may find yourself slapped big time by RESENTMENT. And the harder the recovery, the longer the odds, the bigger the slap.<P>It seems like you've just received yours. TruthSeeker alluded to that too---you're getting to the point where you're making decisions that could positively impact your marriage---but you're just beat.<P>I might suggest that you have a session or two with Jenn, in addition to the counselor that you're going to see. I'm not sure if Jenn or Steve have any "magic bullet" formulas to get over this last hurdle. I just remembering Steve telling me that although it might have been me that put out all the effort to save the marriage, it'll be my wife that will carry me the last 10%. And that 10% might feel much worse than the previous 90...<P>Do take care of yourself! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

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schizzo Offline OP
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K,<P>It's good to know you're back. No, at least not now, I don't think resentment is an issue.<P>I have just realized my h is now doing whatever he can for the marriage, but I must heal my own wounds. Whether he stays or goes, I face the same challenge.<P>Do Steve or Jenn have an answer for this? Jenn always said just meet each other's needs and the hurt would fade. It is not fading, I need to deal with it directly. My first meeting of this counsellor was very positive and I'm expecting he'll get me on the right track...<P>

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I don't know if Steve or Jenn have a real answer for you---that's why I suggested that you call them and find out. But I do think you've got a lot of healing that you need to do. I also think you can do it within the context of your marriage, and it appears that your husband is now willing to step up to the plate and support you in whatever ways he can (and I'm sure he's pretty scared too...).<P>Your process of healing won't be easy, but I think you can go through it and cement this marriage that you've worked so hard for. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.<P>

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schizzo Offline OP
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The wonderful part is that h is really at a point where he can now turn around and help me.<P>He has been listening to me in a way I don't think he has before.<P>

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This is very scary stuff... your H is ready to make a big turn-around, but you are so used the "way it was" that it feels wrong to you.....??<P> It really sounds to me like both you & your children can't see any need or reason for him to be more of an influence in their lives now than he has been in the past (which wasn't much, I gather,,???) And that you are all now quite afraid and resentful of his renewed interest in "the family?".<P> If this man, who was "married to his work," now wants to connect with all of you and leave his "work" in the dust.....and you are feeling very negative about this......then I think you both have a lot of soul-searching hard emotional work in front of you before you can find some kind of happiness in your marriage.<BR> I think the advice for counseling is solid and ncessary.<BR> Wish you the best . Please don't give up when the going gets rough. I haven't. <P>

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schizzo...I don't know exact what to say.<P>I have always thought a betrayed spouse has to go on an individual journey to heal. Since no one can MAKE you happy it stands to reason no one can HEAL you, either. Your childhood compounds your situation.<P>Could you be on overload? I understand now how you excelled on Harley's methods...you are good at excelling. <P>Now you just want to get off the hamster wheel and see if it is the real deal.<P>I can't advise about your H's job, other than any change brings some kind of stress or adjusting.<P>If he can hang on a bit longer and you are OK for now and their is a big reward for relatively a additional short commitment, then that may afford you even more options in the future.<P>Most of all, I just wanted to say I hope you find the balance and inner peace you are searching for.

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Oh boy..at least your h is willing to quit his job so he can be home more...My H has promised many times over the years to do that<BR>and never has..even this summer he said "he was so angry at himself for having been gone all these years and not realizing what it was doing to me..and our marriage..that he was ready to just shut up the office right then and walk..but...He didn't..(which was a big part of why I told him he can't stay here anymore when he comes into town) this made him angry..and he started yelling at me many obscenties..trying to guilt me into letting him come home...but I didn't back down..and that was very hard..but for my emotional well being because of other things I am dealing w/ I had to hold strong..at least in front of him..my h is very jealous of my friendships<BR>(he like your h doesn't have any friends..just ppl he works with)which isn't healthy..but to him it's normal, thats how his dad was..and his mom stayed home and didn't have any friends outside the family either, so he expects I should be the same way..(actually I was thinking about this yesterday..NONE of his family has friends outside of the family that they do things with, when he and I met it was through his cousin whom I knew from work at a company picnic)But, he has used the excuse that I put my friends before him on why he hasn't been here for the 9 years of our marriage..and asked me the other day...WHERE WOULD BE IF I HAD BEEN HOME??? I just said..I don't know..YOU never gave US THAT choice..He still<BR>blames me and my friendships as the problem..<BR>and thats fine he can continue to do that..but I refuse to take the blame..and will move on with out him..and continue to talk and share with MY support group..as he says when he takes his vacation next week we can go ahead and file for divorce since "I want to be single, and do things w/ my friends" and you know..I am okay with that..<BR>I know with 3 kids it will be a struggle, as a single mom..but I also know I have a support group of friends who have been and will continue to be there for me..sure I'll have to go back to work..and won't be here when the kids get home from school..but I'll make the sacrifices for me to be emotionally<BR>healthy...and I've realized until I finish dealing w/ these other things in my life..if this is what marriage is supposed to be..I'm NOT ready for it..)a life of complete aloneness with no friends other than someone who is never here and doesn't know how to comminucate..NO THANK YOU!!!

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It is tough to sort out. First, I'll believe it when it actually happens. I posted here one time several months ago when he convinced me he wanted to quit and do something else. We talked for hours, it was all his idea. The next day, he felt totally different.<P>Second, I just want him to hang on anywhere from a year to 18 months, then we'll have more options financially and we'll have insurance for the counselling we are both starting. It's stressful on him, though. It is not a job he just shows up for. He has sales quotas for his region, and has to be ready to fly at a minute's notice.<P>Like today, he had told me for weeks that he would finally have some time at home. Then an opportunity came up he couldn't NOT pursue. Not when the Company needs the sales so badly right now. So he flew out this morning, and for once I'm really happy to be alone with the kids.<P>I'm starting a group tonight for women that have been betrayed in relationships. I'm nervous and excited. I've lined up the sitter, but I'll be alone when I come home afterwards. I'm not sure what my emotional state will be. I've really broken down and wept for hours and hours lately. I then pull myself back together and go pick up the kids from school.

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Schizzo,<P>I went through something similar w/my H. My H "worked" long hours also and his JOB was so important to him. He, however, didn't so much work as socialize during those long hours (He's also in sales) Out drinking w/his clients and sales reps until all hours of the night wasn't my idea of "work." Ultimately, he used his late hours to squeeze in his affairs.<P>I did not like how he prioritized his work. He would ask, "do you want me to quit this job?" My answer was always no because I <P>1)we needed his income<BR>2)he offered that solution in a way that would be used later against me (I know him)<P>I knew he liked his work in general. I could even live w/the social aspects to an extent. I simply wanted him to get his priorities straight. I wanted him to do it for the benefit of the marriage and family, not because I MADE him do it.<P>God Bless,<BR>Enlightened<P>

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Cindy,<P>It's good that you have time to be alone and cry. It's a necessary part of the healing process. It's also good that you're balancing out that alone time with seeking out others to talk to - the support group and your counselor. <P>I like the idea of waiting a year before he quits his job. That will give both of you time to adjust to your new life together (post-affair) and to the idea of him quitting his job and doing something else. It will allow time to make the decision soundly and not on a purely emotional basis. The emotions need to be considered, but they shouldn't be the sole factor in the decision. I have heard that major decisions should not be made within a year of a significant change event in your life. I think recovering from an affir qualifies as significant. It would probably be good to postpone such a major decision until you're further along in your own healing process.<P>Your H probably feels like he has to do SOMETHING to help you. (It's that Mr Fixit attitude that men get) He probably feels like he caused so much of your pain and he feels a need to do something to make it right. Think it over and think of something that he can do that is not such a major decision as quitting his job that can help you through this period of time. Perhaps just being there to listen and to hold you is enough. Or just a little thing (an e-card?) to let you know he's thinking of you when he's away on a trip. You're pretty resourceful. I know you'll think of something he can do.

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schizzo Offline OP
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Enlightened - that's why I'm floored. This wasn't even my idea. About two years ago, I stupidly asked him if he had to choose between the family and his job, which would it be? Without hesitation, he chose the job.<P>I later learned he was already in the first of his two affairs at the time.<P>Truth Seeker - Yes and no. It has already been a year since d-day (Oct 29). Jennifer Harley tried to "make" him quit and he felt ganged up on by the two of us, so I told her to back off or we would stop counselling.<P>So it has been a year. But in the last two months he turned a corner. He seems to really care about me and the family for the first time in my life, and I'm not quite sure how to handle this.<P>Financially, it would also be great to wait a bit, although there he has a good point that there is a temptation to keep pushing it back. He is making twice as much as last year, and the stock options still have not fully vested.<P>I need to resolve this because he is getting mixed messages from me. He left this morning for a trip after promising this week would be here. But something always comes up, and when you live on the quota, you can't say no to a sale. So if I decide he should stay for a while longer, I need to take off pressure even if he's gone a lot.<P>He is applying for a locally based sales position. That may be a better solution than having him home and unemployed right now. Funny, I have wanted a long time for him to take a few months, I just don't want it now!

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It may have been a year since d-day, but that was a year of transition. There was alot going on in that year. I think a year between a major change event and a major decision means a year of no transition, a year of no change.<P>But then again, you know your situation best and you're right that you can't ask him to quit in one breath and not to quit in another. That will confuse him. <P>So what is it that makes you not want it right now? Since he really loves his job are you afraid that he will resent you if he quits it? Do you need him to be away to give you time and space to do your own thinking? Are you afraid of how different things will be if he's home? <P>The situation now is one that you know and you have developed a way to deal with it. With him home, the situation will b different and you will have to find a whole new way of dealing with him. With him home, there will be more opportunity for disagreements. You may come to expect more from him and there is a chance he won't be able to give more. I can see how that would be a bit scary. I don't even know if I assessed the situation right or not, but I do think you need to examine WHY you don't want this change right now. Then you will be able to determine whether to postpone his job change or not. <P>Just remember, there is no hurry for this decision. Major decisions shouldn't be rushed. I think if you let him know that you have reservations, what they are, and why, that he will understand and take the time to work it through with you. It would probably be a good idea to bring this up with your counselor as well.<P>Good luck. I will be thinking of you.<P>

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Thanks again, Truth Seeker.<P>Sometimes even change that turns out to be good is scary. It's a bit of all of the above as I've already tried to express in several posts.<P>And there is always the money. It's not that we would have to worry about starving if he didn't work for awhile. More like we are finally getting the monetary payoff for all the sh*t we've been through...Not too good, huh?


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