Trisha,<P>After many long heated arguments, two marriage counsellors and a truckload of self-help books with the word "Affair" in the title, I finally figured it out.<P>One of the reasons why I had the affairs is because I DID NOT like me. I needed to keep proving my 'likeability' to me and whoever else was watching. <P>During my PAs, I definately changed personalities. It's the oldest cliche in the book, but I felt like I was watching myself from far far away. I refused to allow myself to think about how what I was doing was affecting my H or my relationships with anyone else. I wasn't allowing myself to fully face the consequences of losing him when I was busy being a fool. <BR> <BR>I just kept on going. Kept on hurting.<P>Now, sometimes the thought of those consequences is all consuming.<BR> <P>It's almost like this person I had in some subconscious way fantasized being like materialized. Can't explain it any better than that.<P>Don't know how this will help you understand what your H is doing. But I have another message for you:<P>There is hope. My H and I are a success story. I am proud of us as individuals and as a couple for the dedicated effort we put into repairing our marriage. <P><BR>Like Taxman, I too am sorry that the replies are hard for the BSs to read. Trust me, the replies are hard to LIVE with, at least for me. <P>I still cry. A lot. I have cried almost every damned day this week. The guilt is overwhelming, the regret is unbearable. Who says what comes around doesn't go around? It surely does, and I always have gotten the lion's share. Guess it comes with having my conscience switched back on. <P>I half expect Buffy or whoever to pop up and say "Well, missy, how can you be so darned sorry now? Why are you so changed all the sudden? How can you go from two hugely different extremes?"<P>So before you say it (or think it) here is my reply:<P>Because every single day I look at my H and realize how happy and lucky I am to have this wonderful, strong, sexy man in my life. And I realize how close I came to pushing that happiness away due to my own stupidity. Because I realize now how much I DO NOT know about myself and how very much I still have to learn. <P>Khyra<BR> <p>[This message has been edited by Khyra (edited October 12, 2000).]

Whoa,Taxman! I didn't say what I did was good or right. I just said I would do it again. Given the worse than total emptiness followed by extreme passion that I didn't go looking for, I don't believe I would be any more likely to resist now than I was then. It would have been an exit affair if not for the kids. The bug zapper analogy totally resonates here. <P>To az allison and Resilient, <P>I am really sorry to hear your pain. In my case, I begged my H to go to counseling for years. In fact we had been in counseling before the A, but had stopped for vacation and never resumed -- too busy, too much work. <P>So it didn't take another person to make me realize the marriage sucked. It took another person to make me realize that staying in a lousy marriage wasn't the only option. Why had I stayed? Misplaced optimism, kids, no place else to go so why complicate matters, didn't want to look for anyone else.<P>For what it's worth, my H is not angry now. He says he realizes he put me through the same hell by going outside the marriage for his needs and by lying to me for years. I'm still here because he is finally able to accept that the problem _was_ the marriage, and _not_ just me.<P>I hope you are able to find healing.<P>Cottonwood

I don't want to make this sound like any justification for my affairs - there is no justification. I don't want this to sound like a bunch of excuses - there is no excuse for what I did. What I did was selfish, cruel, hateful, vengeful, juvenile. My actions were the result of distorted thinking by a man who was emotionally immature and who chose to act out his anger and hurt in an immature way. It did not take another person to make me realize my marriage was bad - I KNEW how bad it was! I begged and pleaded with my wife to respond to my efforts to turn our marriage around. She was in fact, as cold as ice. No help there. She then reveals her affair. I'm torn apart. What do I do, especially since we have a daughter I adore? Kick my wife out? Leave myself? What does that do to my daughter? I'm really conflicted and befuddled. This is all so overwhelming, I don't know how to handle it. I'm not thinking straight. I'm angry. I'm hurt. Solution? Keep marriage together for daughter. Don't upset financial apple cart. Go secretly to attractive woman friend who has always expressed more than a passing interest in me. Get my ego/love/sympathy/sexual needs met by her. At least she likes me. By all means, keep both lives separate and secret. I can handle both! On one hand I can keep my mariage together for daughter and financial reasons, and have my "feel good life" to make life bearable. Right or wrong, logical or not, Allison, that's where my thinking was.<BR>In the end, there is still no justification, no excuse, just hurt, distrust, regret - and a renewed willingness to try and put Humpty together again.....<BR>Maybe instead of putting my wife through this kind of s--t, I should have gone with my first gut instinct and filed for divorce when she told me about her affair. The marriage was shot to h-ll anyway. But we don't always act rationally, do we?<BR>It's an honest question, Allison. You deserve an honest answer.<BR>Rockaway<P><BR>[This message has been edited by rockaway (edited October 12, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by rockaway (edited October 12, 2000).]

Az Alli, this is for you.<P>It must have felt like drano pumping thru your coronary arteries to read this stuff. I hate to see someone who has already been so irrepairably hurt to have the wound re-opened. But it was good to see you be honest about how you felt and get it out!<P>Those are the replies that are hard for ME to read! <P>There is rarely, if ever any justification or 'good' reasons to have an affair. In my case, there were none. <P>The Betrayed seek to find answers for what happened, even in the deepest darkest recesses of a stranger's heart. The words that hurt most to hear are ones that imply that the marriage wasn't good enough, that the BS wasn't good enough. <P>I hope you can remember that while this is very true for some WSs, it isn't true for all. Some, like me committed adultery, cheated, screwed around, two-timed, lied, whatever you want to call it because of internal pressors. <P>Those reasons are hard to reach. Hard to cure, too. <P>TO further elaborate on how I felt and still do feel from time to time:<P>Weak. Sick. Pathetic. Unworthy of H's love. Sometimes when I smile at him I feel like I might as well have feces caked on my face for all I am worth as a wife or as a human being. I worry he will leave me. Someday. And take our son with him.<P>Happy now? <P>Khyra<P>

Hi gang...and sorry Trisha, didn't mean to take over your very good question.<P>I'm reading and learning. I respect each of your answers, and can see that you don't feel good about what you are doing/have done. I am sorry to be so hard on you...never have done that before. Wish I had the heart of NSR...one that is open and forgiving.<P>I do know, WS, that you hurt too. I don't know how it compares...never will. Can it be as bad as the BS pain? I don't know if I'd wish that on any of you. Did you consider suicide many times? Did you pack your bags to leave it all many times, and change your mind because you couldn't have your kids come home to see their parent gone? The parent that has ALWAYS been there for them?<P>I guess I see my H coming through this intact. He goes on about his life rather happily it seems. I've seen this time and time again on these boards. Just how long for your conscience to kick in does it take? I want him to feel bad...all the time. <P>Today he closed our joing checking account without warning me. He had decided on his own a monthly figure to send me. I came home to an envelope with my name on it, with a check inside...from a new checking account, already set up, printed,just his name on it, the whole bit. There was no note with it...just a check.<P>No, we won't starve, we will have to make some changes in our lifestyles for sure, but we'll be ok...my kids and I. There are far worse stories of desertion on these boards...spouses never sending a dime after they leave.<P>I came across a card last night, that my husband sent me on our 15th anniversary. It said...JoJo, how about 15 more...I love you. That was 4 1/2 years ago. Hard to believe he's been miserable for 10. WS don't believe these numbers they throw out about how long they've been unhappy. They don't know. I've got proof, poems he wrote, cards, gifts, times we spent together, pictures, videos. Don't take that away from me...I can accept that you've been unhappy for 2-3 years, about the time your affair started, but don't take my last ten years away.<P>This turned into a letter to my husband. Sorry, I"m hurting now...you all have been here. Things are getting very real right now, and I'm not sure what to do.<P>I see an attorney tomorrow.<BR>allison

Allison,<P>Our emotions are raw right now, aren't they? Here's a hug for you.<P>((((((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))))))))<P>I'd happily accept one from you.<P>Rockaway

thanks rockaway for the hug. It was needed.<P>saw your post on the MB get together...hoping you do decide to rock this way.<P>going to sleep now.<P>allison

WOW!!! <P>Didn't expect such a great response...thanks all of you....I suppose most of you are sleeping now - and I've just awoken to these replies - will certainly have plenty to say later when I've digested all- the good and the not so good!!!<P>Thanks again - back later in the day.<BR>Trisha<BR>Spain<P>

Dearest Khyra:<P>My heart aches for you. Your most recent post above "called out" to me for a response.<P>You MUST forgive yourself and release yourself from your "self-made" prison.<P>Please, please, please...if nothing else confirm to yourself that YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON....you are a good/pure/loving individual that made a mistake in your actions...<B>your actions may have been *bad* but you, Khyra, deserve love/respect/and forgiveness.</B><P>I understand that it is hard for you to read such negative statements from BS--since you seem to be struggling with your own remorse/guilt. Please be aware that these feelings, expressed by the BS, are counter-productive to their healing process as well. It may help you simply to think of what the BS feels as being part of their "journey" to acceptance/forgiveness...an anger/hurt stage that they *must* pass thru. Perhaps, if you re-read my post from this thread, it may give you comfort? I tried to flip the original question around--in an attempt to illustrate that both WS/BS's actions are, at times, thoughtless/destructive. We are all worthy of forgiveness...from ourselves and others.<P>I will post a short synopsis from The Wellness Book (By Benson, Herbert, MD) regarding how to break free from the guilt cycle: "Once you feel guilty, you get trapped in a vicious cycle (Guilt Cycle=I feel guilty; therefore, I've been bad; since I'm bad, I deserve to suffer; therefore, I feel bad; therefore I must be bad). Self-punishing thinking intensifies the guilt cycle, and guilt-provoking thoughts lead to unproductive actions that reinforce your belief in your "badness."<P>If you did something inappropriate or hurtful, does it follow that you deserve to suffer? If you answer "Yes," then ask yourself, "How long must I suffer? a day? a week?" Are you willing to set a limit and stop suffering after that? But what is the point of punishing yourself with guilt in the first place? It does not help rectify the original misdeed to think of yourself as "bad".<P>What is useful and appropriate if you do make a mistake is a process of awareness, learning, and change; then, if possible, take actions to correct the situation. Does guilt help you become aware or learn or change? NO--guilt does not facilitate this process."<P>Dear Khyra: Print out the above info and whenever you begin to allow yourself to feel *bad*, bring it out and read it--take it to heart.<P>Remember, you are a GOOD person that simply made a poor decision.<P>Set yourself free and begin to live, love, and enjoy your life.<P>Peace, ~Marie <P>------------------<BR>"If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars." ~unknown

Cottonwood: Very sorry that I misunderstood (and misrepresented) your feelings. I've occasionally been guilty of acting before I think things through (which is probably true of most WSs on this board).<P>Az and generally everyone: If the tone of my initial response was unkind, I apologize. I guess I got the sense, both from the tenor of Trish's question, and from the immediate, pained responses of the BSs on the board, that she (and y'all) didn't really want to know how WSs felt about themselves: you wanted an opportunity to either see WSs express the contrition that perhaps your own WSs never had, or bang on them in a way that wouldn't be acceptable if applied to your own WS under the whole "Plan A, no LBing" theory at work here. Az, you pretty much admitted that your responses were a "letter" to your own husband rather than a response to what was posted.<P>I know that I have no "justification" for my own actions, which were uniformly selfish, juvenile and wrong. The question, I think, was "how do you feel about yourself"? The answer, mine and just about everyone else's, was "terrible, both before and after the A."<P>As for Resilient's (oft-repeated) question as to why we/I didn't tell my spouse of my/our unhappiness before we/I started an affair: I have a feeling the answers would vary as much as the people telling them. In my own case, although I did have unhappiness, it wasn't related to my W. I was unhappy with myself. I think I did try in some small, more or less direct ways to indicate that I wasn't feeling great about myself to my W, but I didn't indicate the depth of the unhappiness. She assumed that these were small, kind of silly MLC issues that I would get over in time. If I had confided in her the depth of them, I'm sure she would have been there to help me. I didn't, because they seemed silly to ME, too, and (at least I told myself) because she was going through her own problems with family illnesses and such, and I'll live with that for the rest of my life.<P>I also didn't want to think that I was capable of having an affair; I assumed that even though I had a close "friendship" with a younger woman for whom I was developing feelings, that I could handle that, that I wouldn't cross the line, that just the magic of being "married" would prevent me from doing anything I shouldn't. I was ALREADY doing something I shouldn't have, and just wasn't strong enough to stop it.<P>So the why? question isn't hard to answer in the sense of being complicated, it's just sad and embarrassing. I was weak. I was selfish. I overestimated my own strength. And now my life is changed permanently, even if my marriage survives, which both my W and I are working hard for. <p>[This message has been edited by Taxman (edited October 12, 2000).]

As a BS, I have to ask: For those of you that say you tried to communicate your unhappiness to your spouse, did you do it in a non-blaming way, or did you do as mine did, "You suck, and I'm going to find someone else?" <P>Yes, I knew he was unhappy. Did he think I was happy having his unhappiness crammed down my throat day in and day out until it became mine? <P>Did he think that threatening me with adultery, again, was going to make me wild for him in or out of bed? <P>Is the word "doormat" tattooed so deeply into my forehead that he thought he could continually verbally beat me into the ground, and that then I would stand back up, dust myself off and tell him what a terrific, sexy guy he is?<P>I don't expect anyone to have these answers for me. I'm trying my best to get past this and rebuild. Trying to take my share of responsibility for what happened. I know he regrets what he did, again. But I'm still trying to shove my stomped on heart back into my chest, and some of the arteries aren't connecting very well. I'm trying not to LB by showing the depth of my pain, but I still just don't think he "GETS IT".<P>For those of you WS'S who do "GET IT", you are helping your spouse and your marriage by showing that you do.

You know .. I wish my H would have talked to me if he was indeed unhappy with the marriage, like he has said he was. I mean, he surely didn't have a problem sitting me down and having a real serious, heartfelt, deep, 1:1 conversation with me when he wanted back after his first A. He was very open and wanted to be close to me, wanted me to know how he felt and what he needed and wanted to know how I felt and what I needed.<P>He cried, pleaded, promised and was real with me. So, why couldn't he have done the same when he started to feel unhappy or thought our marriage was in trouble? He certainly didn't have a prob communicating his wants when he wanted me back???<P>This is why I think my H was not necessarily unhappy with the marriage, I think he was unhappy with himself ... then after starting the affair, he brutally BLAMED the marriage and me for his betrayal and dishonesty. I just can't express enough how very badly he blamed me for everything, it was a non-stop bombardment for over 8 mos. I was an empty shell by the time he left.<P>Just some thoughts I needed to get out.<P>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited October 12, 2000).]

Again, having been on both sides...<P>The pain is unbearable no matter where you stand - that is, if you love your spouse. <P>When my H cheated the first time, it hit me upside the head. I knew it was all my fault for gaining weight with the babies, for being mean about the finances and blaming him (we'd filed BK, lost everything), for not cleaning the house like I should, for reasons, and reasons, and reasons... I blamed myself. Yes, I was angry with him, angry with his OW (and subsequent OW too) but mostly I blamed me.<P>When I cheated, 13 years later, I swear to God (and that means I'm more serious than you can imagine) that I felt I'd done everything possible to wake him up to the fact that I was so unhappy. I told him outright to his face, I went to counseling, I begged him to come with me, I read books, told him about them, wrote him letters, HE DIDN'T WANT TO KNOW... he didn't want to know... Do you have any idea how it feels to see your marriage, your very life, threatened, and to feel that you spouse sees what's happening and doesn't care enough to DO SOMETHING about it? That was my life. He didn't DO SOMETHING until I actually slept with the OM (which happened only once). Let me tell you how this went for me: the OM came to me, I told my H. The OM kissed me, yes, I told my H. Did he DO ANYTHING? No. Not until three months later, when I told my H (THE SAME DAY IT HAPPENED) that I'd slept with him. I wish you could understand... and I know the fact that most of you are here means it's too late because "it's" already occured for you... but I wish you could understand, from the other side, what it means to NOT have your spouse LOVE YOU back into the marriage when you're crying out for it.<P>My hope, for everyone here, is that none of us takes our marriages for granted again. I think that VERY FEW marriages here were "great" and an affair "just happened"... no, instead I think that there were all sorts of signs and outright discussions, but none of us thought our spouses were capable of cheating, so for whatever reason, didn't believe it could happen.<P>My hope for myself, since my marriage is over, is to KEEP MY EYES AND EARS OPEN and not take my next marriage for granted. <P>Harley makes good, good points, and the total honesty and LB theories are GOOD. I plan to use all that I've learned, and PRAY hard that I never go through this again. <p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited October 12, 2000).]

Quite honestly, since emotions are so fluid and changable, it may be possible that some WS's did not realize the extent of their unhappiness until something triggered it. You go along in the daily routine of life, unconsciously accepting perhaps that, well, the distance between you and spouse is "normal" because it has slowly evolved that way over a long period of time.<BR>Then something triggers a life reflection, and you suddenly realize that you are really unhappy in your marriage. For me, it was the death of my grandmother. For others, it could be anything, but nonetheless, there is some kind of trigger that makes one think that things just aren't right. As I looked around at relatives gathering for the wake, I noticed that some couples were very close and supporting each other. I noticed wife and I were distant, stiff, correct with each other, not very warm. That had become "normal" for us, and I had not realized it!<BR>So I think it is possible for WS to not realize how unhappy they are until something causes them to "wake up". Often, their spouse is not on the same page when this occurs and then they wonder, "where did this come from?" <BR>Does this make sense to anyone? Does it sound like it could be a reason for "sudden unhappiness"?<BR>Rockaway

Rockaway-<BR>I couldn't agree with you more. In my 1st marriage, I was the WS. (My XH started and was several ahead of me, but I digress.) I was off work with carpal tunnel, had surgery, couldn't use my hands, and he didn't lift a finger to help me with anything. Then my DR mentioned I could be developing MS, like my mother. I took a long look at my life and realized how unhappy I was. And there was this guy at work with whom I had always had very deep, philosophical talks. We talked about my epiphany, and he actually cried for me! Thus he became the OM.<BR>I also realize what predisposes some people to becoming a WS. I've read about Marilyn Monroe and how she felt so ugly inside, so empty, and not all the love of her fans or all the men in the world could fill her up. So she kept on marrying, and divorcing. I understand that. My early years shaped me to feel unloved and loveable. Now, it is as if all the love in the world cannot fill me up. Of course, the secret is to love myself, and sometimes I do, but other times, I look back over my life, my transgressions, and realize that I have not always acted as best I could. <BR>I've summed it up as the rotten Easter Egg syndrome. Lovely to look at, lovely to hold. But if you break it open, run for your life!

Thanks, Oh My Marie, for your heartfelt reply. Sometimes bearing up under heavy guilt is the only way I can think of to try to 'make things a little better'. I keep thinking, if he can see how badly I feel about what I've done, maybe he won't be so angry with me, maybe he can learn to trust me again. It's the only way I know to rectify the situation (besides never being unfaithful in any way shape or form, obviously.) Your words helped my heart feel better, I'm glad you understand, and I am touched *sniff <P>In fact, something I have been unable to admit to my H has to do with this. I recently started smoking again. It temporarily satisfies my craving to do something self-destructive. Hey, it's cheaper than drinking, which I'd rather not start using as a crutch again. I have a baby boy now, so it's not just about hurting me anymore. <P>Boy, am I in the Pity Pot or what? Anyone care to join me in my little party here? <P>Resilient, to answer your question, I DID tell my H the things he was doing that hurt me. In fact we had row after row after row. We still don't see eye to eye on some things. But he has done everything he can to correct the situation now - another one of his wonderful traits. He told his mum and dad that we are married. He is more careful about money. He makes a VERY appreciated effort to be intimate with me on a frequent basis.<P>I can't remember who exactly said (think it was Tax) that once we became involved in the affair, we sort of distanced ourselves from the marriage and began to look at it from a different perspective. (The watching myself from a distance 'phenomenon') <P>When that OP began generously giving the things to me that I had been missing, a few things happened: 1) I finally admitted to myself how much I wanted, missed and NEEDED certain things that H had negelcted to do for me anymore. 2) I looked at our relationship and felt that I was enduring situations that I would be campaigning for any of my girlfriends to get the hell out of if it were them instead of me. Why didn't I deserve better? I had been so mad for so long. Part of me just wanted him to wake the hell up and smell the coffee. <P>I don't know if this will apply to anyone else but me, but there were some needs that I was kind of hesitant to make much of an issue about, but they were there. My H is a wonderful lover, not just the best I have ever had, but excellent by many women's standards. He is capable of pleasing me VERY well. It hurt me and was hard to accept when he stopped putting forth the effort. I don't think I'm old fashioned about sex, but I kinda felt dirty, too aggressive pushing the issue anymore than I already had. <P>What was I supposed to say - "I want 5-10 min of intense, me-focused foreplay, I want you to enjoy it so I can relax, then I want you to do A,B, and C to 'get me there' and be patient about it. No more of this do it and get it over with to make me shut up stuff." That hurts worse than nothing at all! <P>Yes, I can say it here and now, but it seemed too demanding to put it straight up like that, plus I didn't WANT him to do it unless he really wanted to. But time and time again, he showed me that the desire just wasn't there. I know he was tired - chonically sleeped deprived, over worked, depressed. But I felt like a reject. <P>By the time my H realized how much of the problem that this was and began to make wonderful efforts in intimacy again, I was already embroiled in my own little affairland. (aka *ssholeville - pehaps you know the town?) By then, my self-centeredness had reached an unparalleled high. I wanted to punish him - just a little. <P>Cruel. Mean. Heartless. Ruthless. Pretty much unforgiveable. <P>This is the most specific I have ever been about this issue. I can do it easier now, but that's one of those things that come with distance and time. So here I stand, facing some of the reasons that propelled me thru what I did. Now, the fun part is facing the fact that those reasons were almost as bad as my actions were. <P>Ok, well, sorry this was so long, but it felt good to get it off my chest. Hope this somehow gives someone some insight into themselves or their WS.<P>Thanks for listening.<P>Khyra<P> <P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>So I think it is possible for WS to not realize how unhappy they are until something causes them to "wake up". Often, their spouse is not on the same page when this occurs and then they wonder, "where did this come from?" <BR>Does this make sense to anyone? Does it sound like it could be a reason for "sudden unhappiness"?<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yes, that's exactly what I was getting at when I said that it was intertia. Satisifed with the status quo because it just seems so 'normal'. Until something happens to shatter that illusion.<P>Khyra,<P>I know wehre you're coming from, too. I was afraid to ask for what I wanted. I'm not sure what I was afraid of exactly, but I felt petty asking for it. Like I didn't deserve to have what I wanted. He was good about so many things, how could I ask for more? I thought that to ask for more would be selfish. So I accepted less. And then I gave less. And then one day I met someone who met those needs without me having to ask for it. BAM! The world was turned upside-down.<P>Through the experience I have learned a valuable lesson in communication. I'm not afraid to ask for what I want anymore. To keep that information from my H is much more selfish than to ask.

new_beginning<P>Yep, I know exactly what it's like to watch your marriage, your family, and what feels like your very life be threatened and no matter what you do, your spouse just doesn't give a crap enough to do a damn thing about it. BTDT, twice.<P>I saw both A's coming, warned him, begged him, pleaded, he was just too darn wrapped up in how great he was feeling when someone else paid attention to him. I begged for him to stay at home and work on it with me. He said he didn't think he loved me anymore, didn't want to be married anymore, needed space, was thinking about moving out, and said I should go out and have an affair so that I'll have some of my needs met and basically leave him alone. He knew he was safe in saying that. I was at home with four kids, he was always gone, when would I have the time to have an A? <P>He has said since I found out that he wished I would have grabbed him by the neck and demanded that he stay at home and not go out. Well, he didn't wish that until I gave up after already doing that. <P>I'm trying to Plan A. It's real hard to do that with a person who feels a sense of entitlement and doesn't reciprocate. I'm afraid that the same thing as before will happen. He'll take, take and take, and eventually I will run out of anything to give and will shut down again. He won't hear me until that happens and notices he isn't getting his needs met. <P>I'm having a bad day and trying to get all of this out before H comes home.

I agree with Resilient that it is often that the WS is unhappy with himself. My H never told me that anything was wrong - in fact he told the counselor and me that he had been trying to hide the fact that anything was wrong. I knew at various times that he was unhappy with his life, but if he blamed his unhappiness on the marriage how was I supposed to know? Shortly after the beginning of the affair, long before I knew about it, I could tell something was wrong, and I came right out and asked him - and he said it was about him, not me. <P>My H was often irritable - and I thought it was due to unhappiness with the way various things were going in our life. Why did I think that - because he told me so, when I asked him what was wrong. Either this really was about unhappiness with himself, or he went to an awful lot of trouble, not just ignoring, but actively trying to hide the fact that he was unhappy about our marriage. Why would he do that - I really don't think he was so cruel that he wanted to lull me into complacency so that he could blindside me when he walked out in order to hurt me as much as possible. <P>I had kind of gotten used to him being irritable when something unrelated was bothering him. An example - on one occasion, our car broke down a couple of miles from home. He thought it was something he had done, and apologized over and over. I kept telling him that it was ok, that I didn't even think it was anything he'd done, etc. - but it made no difference. Suddenly, his mood changed and he stomped off, furious, leaving me running off after him so I wouldn't have to walk home alone in the dark, not giving me time to call the kids. Yet I knew he wasn't blaming me, I knew he was blaming himself, but he was still furious. When we arrived home, his mood changed again, to one of seemingly absolute defeat. <P>I have seen this over and over again since he left too - mood swings from intense anger to deep dejection in a matter of seconds - yet I am supposed to attribute the affair merely to "unmet needs" and take responsibility for not recognizing that he was unhappy? These problems go way beyond anything that was within my power to fix.

Here's something I forgot. My H was actually in counseling during this affair. HIs depression had gotten pretty bad and he started going. After I found about the affair I asked if he had told his therapist about the affair and he said "NO". Talk about a waste of money. How was this poor guy supposed to help him at all if he wasn't going to be honest with him. He wasn't being honest with anyone in his life right then.