Here goes in a nutshell. Ever since d-day one of our main issues is that H feels that I have a need to tell everyone about our problems. It's not that way. I'm just the type of person that wears my heart on my sleeve and that people who know me, such as family and close friends know when something is wrong. I just feel awkward being around those people that I usually talk my problems out with and now can't because I want to spare my H any additional embarrassment or pain.(Why, I don't know. He had the A!)<P>Anyway, tonite a friend that I have been very close to for the past 8 years called and pretty much lit into me, how her and her H consider us family, and when there are problems, thats when we are supposed to lean on those close to us. She feels that we are falling away as friends and that she is very hurt that I can't talk to her. I want to and my H has pretty much "threw his arms up in the air" as far as who I need to tell. At the same time he also says that he realizes my need to talk and if i feel it is necessary....I should make my oun decision. I just don't want this to cause us to fall back in the little progress we have made.<P>When I first found out, I was in complete shock, and told two people that really didn't need to know(they do not help much), and one found out because she came over after I asked her not to and I was a basket case. Some members of my family know and his whole immediate family knows(becuz of OC).<BR>I feel that my friend could offer me alot of support. Not only that I feel he could really benefit from talking to her H since they have been friends forever, and he really has no-one to talk to except me and my therapist every other week. He could really use a friend.<P>So, what are your thoughts? Am I being selfish by "bringing another person on board"(as H would say). Do I think of how this affects him? or go with my heart because I feel thhat some good can come out of this. Yes it could blow up in my face, but that is a chance I may need to take right?<BR>

This is a tough one NGY.<P>I say tell your woman friend about the conflict of your H not wanting anyone to know, discuss how he feels embarressment and shame ... and doesn't want people, mostly good friends, to know about what has happened.<P>See what your friends says, she may understand and agree that at this time it may not be a good thing to bring any more ppl "on-board". However, perhaps her H could approach your H and simply ask him to go for coffee to talk, maybe your H will open up to him privately and get the same-sex friendship and support he needs.<P>Just some thoughts, Hon.<P>God Bless,<BR>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited October 11, 2000).]

my advice it to talk to your friend.<P>If you can get some support, and start to feel better about yourself, and not be down all the time because you are going through this alone, then you H will notice the results, and see a happier person. I think this could be a positive thing. My wife (WS) was much more at ease when she noticed that I was happier, and it reduced the stress level in the house significantly.<P>I continue to talk to a few of my select friends, and of course here at MB!!! and it has helped ME tremendously.<P>But, I did cause a MAJOR LB when I talked to one of my wifes friends about us....I don't recommend anyone try that. <P>Best of luck, use your friends to lean on, they really want to help.<P>Mike

Speak your thoughts, speak your thoughts, speak your thoughts.<BR>It is not right for you to have to keep everything bottled up. Tell those you feel can offer some condolanses of help. But talk your feelings out with someone.<BR>Terry

Thank you all for your replys. I do have others to talk to. There are some members of my family that know, I'm from a family of 7 children, 6 girls, and three of my sisters know and my stepmother. His whole immediate family knows because of the baby he produced with the OW.As I mentioned before there are 3 friends that do know, but they are very busy, one just having a baby, and another I haven't heard from in 2 1/2 months. The 3rd I call occasionally. My sisters are a great support, but as I said this friend is very close to me and I have wanted her support from the begining and hate that she is hurting and don't want to lose her friendship. And out of respect for my H long standing friendship with her H and his obvious shame he will feel if his friend does find out, I feel I should be protecting him.(and as I type this I wonder WHY?) <BR>Above all, I think this would help him because he could really use a friend. Just my opinion though. He completely disagrees. He feels that this shpould only be between us, he has handled all his past problems on his own(and look where he is now!)but I feel, just like me,he has never dealt with anything like this either, and could really use someone to confide in.