Hi<P>Thanks for the encouragement and kind words.<P>Update...<P>Last night, my husband and I stayed away from each other (in our home). We both cried for most of the night. My husband read his Bible alot and prayed. I prayed and cried. I went to bed late and cried myself to sleep. He stayed in the living room watching a movie. When I woke up this morning, he had never come to bed, but in the night, he did come and get his pillow and a quilt...he slept on the couch. I woke up crying this morning -- so did my husband. I would've slept on the couch or outside in storage for that matter if it would've made him hurt less. The first thing that I asked him this morning was if he wanted me to leave. He said, "No. I don't know what I want. What would you do if you were me?" I answered honestly...I said that I would be angry. I would be beyond hurt. I would not want to be in the same room with him. I feel the same way that he currently feels -- if this had happened and the tables were turned three years ago, I would've asked him to leave...but not now. My husband did ask me to call for pastoral counsel for him (he's never gone to counseling -- EVER). He has an appointment today with a precious man of God. Right now, my husband went off alone to read his Bible and pray. I'm home alone crying. I told my husband this morning that I am too ashamed to even be in the same room with him. He's too hurt to be in the same room with me -- he said that he didn't want to look at me...I told him that I didn't want him to have to look at me. Nothing that we've said has been said in anger. I'm not crying for myself right now...I'm crying for my husband...I despise myself -- I despise how I've hurt him. Even after what I've done to my husband, he's treating me decently...he hasn't yelled at me (even though he'd probably like to)...he hasn't left without telling me where he's going (though he would probably like to)...he hasn't asked me to leave (I hope he won't, but I'm sure deep down somewhere he would like to). I'm scared. I know he's scared and angry and hurt and confused (understatement of the century, I know). <P>My husband is such a good man that he's convinced himself that he drove me into the arms of another man (I disagree...I ran into the arms of another man...nothing excuses my behavior).<P>This is the least eloquent thing I've ever written.<P>I do have a question for anyone willing to answer: When my husband is asking questions about my physical encounter with the OM, how honest can I be without hurting my husband even worse? Can I be honest, but spare him the gory details? <P>I've rambled and rambled...<P>Jill

Hi Jill,<P>I know this is very hard for you, but you did the right thing and you did it in a very loving and kind way. You seem to have very good insight into your husband's suffering, and are putting him first right now, as you should.<P>I am answering your last question from the perspective of a betrayed spouse, I am firestorm's wife. I hope that my experience can be helpful to you and your husband, and that it might help your husband avoid the mistakes I made.<P>By all means, answer his questions honestly, but simply. Any detailed answers will only serve to raise more questions and put images in his mind that will haunt him day and night. Your husband thinks he wants to hear the truth (just like I thought) but what he really wants is to hear what he WANTS to be true. That is far different.<P>I wish that I had written down the questions that I asked and carefully considered every possible answer before I actually asked them. Firestorm tried to be truthful with me, but every answer sent me into waves of shock and hysteria. It served no helpful purpose, and encouraged him to be untruthful to avoid my reaction. It also gave me horrible nightmares, dreams that I am still having over a year later.<P>Jill, I admire your faith and believe that God can lead you and your husband through this and will if you follow his lead. This site could be of great support to both of you now if your husband will come here and just read. When I found out about firestorm's affair, I felt shock, sorrow, guilt, etc. But I mostly felt so alone in this horrible mess. When I found MB, I knew that I wasn't alone at all. Neither are you and your husband.<P>Bless you both.<P>Peppermint

Jill, <BR>I remember your story, and my heart goes out to you and your husband. Telling him was the right thing. In time this will be clear. Your husband will no doubt ask many questions (I know, I did), but peppermint is right. He wants to hear the answers he wants to hear..(if that makes sense). Be honest, be brief, but answer any question he may have. It is not a sin to omit certain feelings, thoughts you were having, including comparisons in bed, etc. Those are/were yours, and you can spare some of those feelings without being dishonest. <P>Jill, you did the right thing. I am proud of your decision. Trust that God knows what he's doing in this matter.<P>Lots of hugs for you and your husband.

Jill...<P>On answering the 'questions'... folks could debate this one all night...so here's my two cents worth...<P>You husband is in shock. He may ask questions that he will regret asking later. You may feel compelled to answer everything because you want to 'come clean'. If he gets into asking about specifics...make it clear that you are willing to tell him everything he wants to know, but if you can tactfully avoid too many details...you will be better off...give it time. <P>Remember this...what ever specifics you give him...those images will be there for a very, very long time. What he doesn't know specifically, he can only imagine...and those will be less concrete and will fade with time. If, however, he persist...then by all means...give him what he wants.<P>Hang in there.

Jill,<P>I remember you and have often thought what happened.<P>I suggest you and H read over all of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A>.<P>Try to use these tools.<P>I would even concider using Stave Harley or Jennifer Chalmers for counciling. They are experts in infidelity.<P>You are a srtong woman! It took courage to confess! <P>God will take care of your marriage, all you and H need is willingness to reconcile.<P>I'm praying for you!<P>Bill<P><P>------------------<BR><P>May the roads rise to meet you,<BR>May the winds always be at your back,<BR>May the sun shine warm upon your face,<BR>The rains fall soft upon your fields,<BR>And until we meet again,<BR>May god hold you<BR>In the hollow of his hand.

Jill-<P>I want to commend you for coming clean with your H. I know how hard that must have been and yet you did what was right!<P>My H also told me that he had an A and from my experience let me tell you that your H is probably in so much shock right now that he won't be able to really "feel" anything for a long time to come.<P>As for your question on how much detail to give I suggest you answer all questions honestly and upfrony but do NOT give the gory details as it will be a living nightmare for him.<P>I did NOT ask my H for details-I knew it would kill me to hear too much. But there were some questions that I wanted answered. It is very important to know WHY this happens, WHY him and not me-and HOW serious was the A. But just the answers to a few questions was enough for me to figure out details I didn't want to know To this day (It has been 16 1/2 months since he told me) it kills me to think about those details.<P>I truly believe that anyone is capable of having an affair. It doesn't mean a person is "bad" because of a "bad choice" that person may make. The important part is that you learn from this horrid mistake that causes so much pain to both of you.<P>You will be in my prayers-I am heading to bed now (it is only 8:40).<P>The one thing the A did to me was cause me extreme loss of energy <P>Best wishes to both you and your H. I hope you make it!<P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<P>"Life's A Dance<BR>You Learn As You Go.<BR>Sometimes You Lead<BR>Sometimes You Follow!<BR>Don't worry 'Bout What You Don't Know<BR>LIfe's A Dance <BR>You Learn As You Go."

Jill,<P>Your story gives me an inkling of hope that maybe my H will come clean about his A. He's still in denial and I pray for him everyday as well as for myself to have the courage to deal with this. You did a great thing and I pray you and H will strive to put God back into the center of your lives.<P>Blessings,<P>Fury

Jill,<P>You are one impressive lady - and I mean "lady" in every sense of the word. I too wish that you could talk to my WS (my H). He was having an A in Oct. of 1999 and I knew it (had to hire a P.I.), but would not confess until May of this year. That made it particularly difficult for me to forgive him - that, and the fact that he was completely unremorseful for the hurt it caused me. <P>As for the questions your H will no doubt ask - you must be honest. My H has gotten to the point where he has finally agreed to answer any questions that I need to know (so he says) ... but I am not ready to hear about it just yet. The wounds are still too fresh. If your H asks you a question that you feel might hurt him if he heard the answer tell him that. Tell him, "I feel as though I will hurt you if I answer this question, but I will if you need to know. Do you still want me to answer?" You might ask him to think about the questions he wants to ask for a while and ask himself if he really wants to know the answers - if this is really important. I would never ask my H about the sex with the OW, because I'm a big girl, and I know what can happen in a bedroom (it is the emotional component that plagues me the most). When in doubt, hold him tight and tell him that he is right, that you *were* wrong. You have already taken great strides in taking responsibility for your own actions - that impresses me more than you will ever know. God bless you for freeing your H and telling him the truth. It sounds as though you two will make it - just have patience and faith ... and God will guide you both.<P>blessings,<P>belld

{{{{{{{Jill}}}}}}}}<P>Wow, it is so good to hear from you again...you would not believe how often I've wondered about you & how you wered doing.<P>You and your H are doing fine, it sounds like. I know it feels awful right now, but you are both approaching this with honesty, with care for the other & with willingness to own up to your own failings. I really believe you will get thru this and be closer than ever. He will go thru a lot of hurt, anger & resentment, lots of ups and downs, but I am betting he will work through it all. <P>Don't forget that YOU need to work on forgiving yourself, too. Just remember that God forgives all our failures, and it would be absolutely arrogant to refuse to forgive ourselves in the face of His example of grace...<P>Jill, I am so proud of you, and of your H. You are both in my prayers...<P>Kathi

Jill -<P>I read your post, and know that you have gotten a lot of responses. I am so glad that you choose to confide in your H about your affair. I am a WS, too, and I choose to confide in my H about the affair. My H had no clue that anything was wrong until I told him about the affair. I knew it was the right thing to do. . .but I knew it would hurt him, too.<P>My H reacted in a similar manner to your H. . .I was expecting him to be hurt, mad, even angry. . .Now, I know he was hurt when I told him about the affair, but he also said that there must have been something that he did/didn't do to push me away. . .And for me, and probably for you, too, that was totally amazing. . .how he could not only forgive me, but that he actually took his "share" of the blame - even though, in my eyes, there was nothing that he did/didn't do that pushed me into having an affair - that was my mistake, and I take full responsibility for that.<P>Your story really touched me, because it is so similar to mine. First, you have to be VERY proud of yourself for confiding in your husbadn - that really shows how much you LOVE him, that you didn't want to keep this secret from him means that you do love him and that you do want to be with him. So, keep assuring him everyday that you want to be with him. . .I know you hate to see him hurting, but don't offer to move out. . .instead tell him that you'll get through this together.<P>The other thing, be very grateful that you have a H who is willing to see that maybe the affair was the result of an unhealthy marriage. . .Even though I think my affair primarily occured because I had very low self-esteem, there were some other problems in our marriage that my H and I are now starting to deal with - to make our marriage stronger.<P>The one thing that has really helped, is the fact that both of us are willing to share our thoughts and feelings openly and honestly. My H doesn't like to talk to much about the A and how he feels about it, but sometimes I ask him questions about how he feels, what he thinks, etc. . .just to open up the conversation. Sometimes, we both need space to "think", but just be willing to listen when he needs someone to talk to, and just sit with him when he needs to think. Give him a hug when he needs a hug, reassure him that you want to be his wife.<P>You know, your husband sounds a lot like my H. After I had confided in him about the affair, I was feeling kind of down about myself, despising myself for what I had done. . .not only did I feel cheap and sleazy, but I also felt a tremendous amount of guilt for all of the pain I had caused my H. But, my H gave me a card. . .It said "I made a list of the top 100 things I like to do with you (then inside) 1. Kiss and Hug and stuff 2. Repeat 99 times - only my H crossed out repeat 99 times and made it 98 times and he added 3. grow old with you." How amazing is that? After all that I had done, he still loved me.<P>And your H really loves you, he's just in a little bit of shock, but he loves you. And, I think you can only have a stronger marriage now. . .But, you have to be a team. He needs to be able to lean on you, and you need to be able to lean on him. . .Healing never happens as fast as we would like, but you can heal from infidelity. . .Now that it's in the open, you really can start to begin to heal and work on building a stronger marriage.<P>I know he's in pain and you're in pain, but leaving is not a good option for either of you right now. . .Just keep reassuring him that you love him and that you want to be with him, and that you will do whatever it takes to get your marriage back on track.<P>On answering questions, well, my H never wanted to know who the OM was - other than I assure him that it wasn't a mutual friend - which it wasn't or a co-worker - which it wasn't. I told him I would answer any questions that he had honestly, but, really he doesn't ask about the affair - the physical parts - or who it was. . .He doesn't need that from me. . .The only questions he has is about how I feel about him and where we're headed - not about the affair and the past.<P>So, I would answer whatever questions he has honestly - asking him what information he really wants to know - to put this behind you. He may opt to ask only a few questions - like my H - or he may need more information. But you should be willing to answer those questions honestly and in as much detail as HE needs.<P>My thoughts and prayers are with you and your H - you definitely did the right thing, and you shuold be proud of yourself for that. You're a good person who made a mistake. You deserve your H's love and he deserves your love. Treat each other well, be patient, love does endure all things. Take care.

<BR>Jill!<P>I always knew you'd confess. I could sense your integrity from your writing, it was visceral. And now I stumble upon this thread, and I see you've confessed for real. I am so proud of you. This tragic incident from your past will no longer eat at your soul like a cancer, and your marriage will soar to new heights. <P>About the details, let me echo what others have written. What you need to tell him is that you will disclose anything and everything, if he really wants to know. Some people can't handle the details, and some can't heal without the details. My guess is that most people can't handle the details, but that's for him to decide. Just ask him to be certain he wants to know before you tell him.<P>Bystander

Jill,<P>I don't remember your story, but just seeing the courage you had to confess is something great - with or without the back ground information! <P>I wish my H had 1/2 the courage you have. Much luck and success for your future!<P>God Bless!<P>LK

Jill:<P>So good to hear from you again and of course you will remember how I strongly encouraged you (as did others) to confess everything to your husband.<P>My reasoning was not for his sake as much as for yours as it was obvious the spirit of guilt/condemnation was beating your brains out.<P>However, I might have been asking you to do the 'right thing' at the 'wrong time'. Sounds like the timing was right in that your husband was prepared.<P>Now....you must, must, must stop beating yourself up. You have confessed, asked his forgiveness, but for you to continually ask him "should I leave?" is wrong.<P>I know as well as anyone, that 2 wrongs do not make a right and what you did was wrong. However, I agree with your husband that he drove you into the arms of another man for common sense says...if you were getting nutured/nourished by him....you wouldn't have been looking.<P>What you did was very courageous and I am so happy it is all out in the open....however, your husband still needs to deal with his issues and if he is really a man of God, he will be willing to do whatever it takes to become the husband he should have always been.<P>Please do not beat yourself up anymore...nothing wrong with crying...tears wash the soul and are a part of healing.<P>People have told you to 'forgive yourself', actually this is not scriptural. The way we forgive ourselves is when we are willing to accept His forgiveness.<P>Have you accepted His forgiveness? Remember what Jesus told the woman caught in adultery?<BR>"Woman were are your accusers?" Then, since they all left because no one wanted to cast the first stone.....Jesus told her "Neither do I accuse you....go and sin no more".<P>Jesus does not accuse you Jill and when you repented months ago...it was because He said to you...."go and sin no more" which you haven't.<P>I feel you both need counseling together and a time for healing. I'm sorry, but healing doesn't always come just because you go to the altar and someone lays their hands on you...Zap! you're healed.<P>Most healing is a process......<P>Anyway...good to hear from you again and I hope you will continue to post/share your story.<P>Blessings upon you.....<P>[censored] from Texas

Jill, <P>I know exactly how your husband feels. I said many of the same things he said to you. The emptiness and worthlessness he feels is pretty overwhelming. <P>He's in the initial stages of experiencing a life changing event. Shock, denial, anger, acceptance is all a part of the process. There is nothing pretty about this mess. It hurts eveyone involved. <P>The good news is that you have taken the first step to recovery. The even better news is that you are willing to fight for your marriage. That means you and your husband have a very good chance at recovery. <P>Your husband may ask for details about your affair. God only knows what he may ask in the days ahead. I think there are some things he shouldn't ask. Simply knowing your wife was intimate with another man is devastating in itself. Knowing details of the encounters may make his recovery process a lengthy one. But, everyone is different. I'm a little more than two years after the fact and things are better, but there still isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about what happened between them. It simply takes a long time to heal. <P>Many of the other folks here have given you some wonderful advice. Counseling is a priority. I'm not sure if it would be wise for your husband to post here with you or not. There are things he is going to go through that you won't want to read. It would in turn hurt you. I do strongly suggest he find another man who has been through this to help him. That has been one of the greatest benefits from this site for me. I had a former poster contact me through email and he has been instrumental in helping me recover. <P>Jill, you did the right thing in telling him. He may not realize it right now, but it shows you do respect him. honesty and open communication is vital for a marriage to survive. Time will be your best friend and your worst enemy. Take things one day at a time.<P>God bless you, <P>SHA <P>------------------<BR>There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.<p>[This message has been edited by Sir Hurts Alot (edited October 17, 2000).]