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#890204 10/15/00 03:47 PM
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Jill Offline OP
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Hi<P>Thanks to everyone who so graciously responded to my other post. Coming here is such a comfort...it's comforting for me to hear from all of you. Many of you had asked if my husband will be coming here. Well, the answer to that right now is, "No." He's not much of a computer person...not much on having his thoughts on paper.<P>I just wanted to try to update you on what's taking place here.<P>Saturday afternoon, my husband went to counseling and prayer time with a pastor here in our town. When he came home, he told me that he wanted to talk to me, but not just yet. So, I patiently waited and gave him his space. He came to me later yesterday evening. I sat at his feet once more. I didn't speak...I listened. For an hour, my husband poured out his heart to me. To make a long, long story a little shorter, my husband said those three little words, "I forgive you...I cannot claim to be God's child if I don't forgive you." Last night, we talked about how important it was to make a decision to fight or to quit. If we chose to fight for our marriage, then there would be no backing-out of this ten years down the road. If we chose to quit, then I would leave immediately. We chose to fight for our marriage. My husband said that he wants to be married to me...he wants me to be his wife. We talked about how hard this is going to be. We talked about how God's forgiveness and the forgiveness of each other will be so important in all of this. Then, we embraced and cried. While we held each other, my husband prayed for our marriage to be healed. The thing that broke my heart the most was that my husband was praying for me...I destroyed him, and he prayed for me. He asked God to heal my broken heart and to give me peace...<P>I slept on the couch last night. I cried. My husband came in to comfort me. He offered to sleep on the couch so that I could have the bed. I insisted that he have the bed...I washed the sheets and fluffed the pillows just for him. I felt so lonely without him, yet I know that he needs his space...I know it's difficult for him to breathe with me in the same room as he is in right now. I'm trying to respect that...it felt so strange to be away from him...I cried myself to sleep...I cried because I'm thankful...I cried because I'm broken...<P>This morning, we went to church. This is the first Sunday that we haven't held hands and shared the same Bible. Wow...we have to really start from scratch...we're literally starting all over again.<P>We had some unexpected company this afternoon, so my husband and I were together alot. When the company left, I told my husband that I would go into the bedroom for a while to give him some space. He said, "Thanks."<P>I'm so lonely right now. I miss my husband as if I'm gone or as if he's gone. My heart is looking forward to the day when he's ready to let his fingers brush mine...when he's ready to look me in the eyes again...<P>We used to sleep back-to-back in our bed...a long time ago, we talked about how comforting it felt to wake-up in the night and to feel the other person there...<P>It's killing me to see the sparkle gone from his eyes. It's killing me to see his hurt.<P>Thanks so much for listening...<P>Jill<P>

#890205 10/15/00 04:21 PM
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Jill, <BR>I am responding to your post because your story interests me. My H had an office affair with a woman named Jill two years ago. She was also married with children and did not tell her spouse. I also did not tell her spouse because I could not hurt him this way. My H confessed and left me to be with her. She would call my home looking for my husband when he was not at "their" room. She never left her H but continued to sleep with mine for three months after d-day. <BR>She was also a Christian and bought my H a St Christopher's to wear she wanted the saints to watch over him. MY h is an atheist. Funny to me how a woman having an affiar could expect the saints to watch over her lover.<BR>After my H ended the relationship with her she went home to her family and had a house warming party two days later. <BR>If you are the same Jill I have lived your pain for two years. <BR>If you are not the same Jill I have lived the pain caused by an affair for two years and want you to know that it will end. Your H obviously loves you and you two have your faith to help you through this. <BR>Do not sleep apart now Jill I do not think that is the right thing to do - work on this together , eliminate all contact with your OP, open yourself up completely to your husband, give up your privacy to him nad it will work for you.<BR>Good luck

#890206 10/15/00 06:49 PM
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Jill,<P>Just passing through this evening and wanted to see how you are doing. The poster above just gave you some good advice. If you are sleeping on the couch to give your H space, don't do that.<P>Jill, what do you think he is worrying about? My bet he is worrying about whether you love him and want to be with him. This really isn't time for over reaction on your part. If anything comforts the BS's on this board, it is knowing that their spouses want to be with them. <P>I know you don't want to push, but Jill if you want to be with your H, then be with him. You are not contaminated, your not infectious. You made a serious mistake 2 years ago. You removed the OM from you life. You love your H. Why would you do the right things with regard to the OM, but not the right things with regard to your H?<P>You wanted the OM out because it was wrong and you did that. You want your H in your life because it is right. Then do the right thing. <P>Jill you are a good woman worthy of your H's love. You are not below him. You don't have to wear sack cloth to show your remorse. You have been living with your remorse for 2 years. Isn't it time that you smiled, you loved him and showed it? Helped him not by running away, but by using what you have learned about yourself, your H, and your marriage.<P>Jill, you have learned so much. Don't run, don't hide, he is your H. If you want to hold his had do so. If he wants to remove it that is his choice. The time for egg shells is over. He has to heal, and the two of you need to get to work building the marriage you both now know you can have.<P>Now I don't mean to imply that you should do the time honored "I'm over it why aren't you?" bit. But dear Lady, someone in that house needs to be smiling. That someone is you. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] Your H has forgiveness in his heart. You on your own removed OM from your life. You have endured much, but you were guided to the time and place to tell your H. Jill, you have been blessed. Count up the blessing and when you are done, you should be smiling. Then teach your H to count blessing. He is forgetting that right now. <P>So much to say and so few words with which to say it.<P>God Bless You and Your H,<P>JL<BR>

#890207 10/15/00 07:48 PM
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<small>[ February 08, 2005, 01:42 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

#890208 10/15/00 08:39 PM
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mrsaxxeman:<P>No, I'm not the Jill that you are looking for...apparently, you're not familiar with my story.<P>I did not have an "office affair". I met a man online two years ago. We became closer through e-mails and phone calls, then we eventually set up a weekend to meet. We had one weekend together, then I broke all contact with him and repented of what I'd done. I did not confess to my husband until Friday night. I do not have children. I've never given anyone a St. Christopher's necklace. <P>I hope this helps...hope this eases your mind that you're not sharing a bulletin board with the woman who had an affair with your husband.<P>Peace.<P>Jill

#890209 10/15/00 09:15 PM
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Hi Jill,<P>You may remember that I was one of those who advocated telling your husband. One of my main reasons was that it would be such a tremendous emotional burden to carry that on your heart. I hope now that you have told him that you do feel that part of your burden is eased.<P>Perhaps your H does need some space at first, as the shock of such information seeps in, but it is your reassurance that he needs most. Did you give him that fabulous letter that you posted here? As a BS I can assure you that such a letter would bring me great solace.<P>I truly wish you and your H the best of luck. Encourage him to come here - it will be a learning experience (computer-wise and otherwise). We'll be glad to help him through this.<P>------------------<BR>But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.<BR>Galatians 5:22-23

#890210 10/15/00 09:58 PM
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Hi Jill:<P>I don't know if it was here or on another forum that I've read your posts before. I always wondered what happened. There were times when you were very sad and felt like he was ignoring you I remember.<P>So you told him. I guess I didn't have an opinion one way or the other on it originally, but I really hope you both grow stronger. As for sleeping on the couch, see how it goes. Let him take the lead, if he asks you back - then go. I know when my H had cheated, I (me not him) was sleeping on the couch because I just couldn't sleep with him next to me, just hearing him breath. I had to for my own sanity sleep apart from him. It made him angry but I needed to. He may need that for a little while but don't be disheartened, hopefully it's temporary because he will see how remorseful you are. At the time, my H showed none and was still lying, and I knew it so things were a little different.<P>Also, you both have God in your lives to lead you. Let Him. That is such a big thing right there. I don't know how people get thru these things without Him. Your H sounds like a wonderful person to pray for you like that. Mine would never pray with me even tho he went thru the motions of church, etc. I think he was a good actor.<P>Just remember the time factor. Nothing will change overnight or anytime soon. Maybe you both need to just get a plan, a simple plan. Nothing too involved. Just what he needs right now, what you need right now. Simple. Then when you can comfortably do those things for your relationship, maybe slowly move a little more forward. Don't put time limits on, don't question too much, no pressure. I guess maybe I'm babbling but I really want to see you both win.<P>God bless.<P>------------------<BR><BR>Kathy

#890211 10/15/00 10:14 PM
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Jill<P>I posted on your other thread. Your situation is very similar to mine, and I just wanted to let you know that while your H may need some space - sleeping on the couch or in another room is very difficult. My H and I went that route for a little while - only it was me who needed the space - I slept in the guest room for like a week - just because I was crying myself to sleep every night and I reached a point where I just needed sleep.<P>Anyway, it's a long story, and you may need to give your H some time to heal, but being physically away from him doesn't really help - you need to be lcose to each other now. So, even if he wants to sleep at night alone, tonight, sneak in the bed in the morning, to let him wake up next to you.<P>Physical distance, in my opinion, only creates emotional distance. It is a tough road, it's uncomfortable right now, but that's to be expected. . .You don't have to start from scratch - even though it may feel that way. . .<P>Trust in God, trust your instincts. . .if you feel lonely and just want to go in and hug him, go hug him. . .I think it will show that you do want to be with him. . .maybe you need to go slowly, but you need to be there for each other. . .<P>Trust in God, place your faith in Him to guide you, follow your heart, be near your H - don't avoid each other and hope that it goes away. Things will get better, talk to your H, tell him you cry yourself to sleep and that you just want to be with him.<P>The sparkle will return, and in fact, I think it's still there. . .

#890212 10/16/00 10:23 AM
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You have done a very courageous thing. I remember reading somewhere something like "Do the thing you fear and the death of fear is certain'. You have killed the fear of anyone else telling your husband. You got to pick the time and place. I bet at least you are relieved at that part<P>All the cards are out on the table now. You have leveled the playing field. I remember earlier posts from you about him contacting you completely out of the blue. That fear would eat you alive I would think. No need to worry now. <P>I know that that kind of fear was part of my wife's decision to come totally clean with me. She tossed the dice by telling me and hoped for the best. It was hard and still is hard sometimes even 3 years post-discovery but we have survived. I have forgiven her for her decision to take such drastic action because in hindsight I see how I had neglected her emotional needs out of ignorance for a very long time. <P>I wish you and your husband the best.<BR> <BR>

#890213 10/16/00 11:15 AM
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Jill,<P>I agree with other posts here - make it a priority to maintain physical closenss and intimacy with your husband. If he is anything like me, he equates being sexual with emotional intimacy. A man really needs sex and cuddling to maintain emotional equilibrium, just like women do.<BR>I was really surprised when our pastor told us to pursue sexual contact with each other (spouse and me, that is). It really helped maintain a connection there, tho' at times it was stilted. Mostly though, sex has been better than it ever has [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<BR>Rockaway, who likes to rock and roll!!!! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<BR>

#890214 10/16/00 11:19 AM
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Something that is earned & you had to work for is much more satisfying than something that was handed to you on a plate.<P>You kids'll do fine. Remember to lean on each other.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>


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