Our therapist taught us something the other night that has been working so well for us.<P>Very simple really.<P>Me - I'm wondering if these changes you've made are for real.<P>Him - So, Cindy, you FEEL hesitant about trusting me BECAUSE of my track record. Is that right?<P>Me - Yes, or I clarify further.<P>Him - Anything else? Then back to #1.<P>Not sure I explained it very well, but it has really helped! The listener needs to GUESS at the feeling if not mentioned and GUESS at the because.<P>The first person then has a chance to clarify further. I feel so validated because my h is using this new technique and really wanting to understand how I feel!!!

That is what I've been trying to get my H to do! Active listening! Most of the time, he just looks at me the same way the dog does. He does it once in a while when he remembers. Did your therapist give you any hints on how to prompt him to do it if he forgets to?

Schizzo...just a minute...I'm laughing too hard.<P>Truthseeker...I KNOW THAT LOOK!!!! My H doesn't actually tip his head, nor does his ears flop or his tounge hang out...but the look is there! Actually just our male dog...my dear departed female pup KNEW what I was talking about!<P>OK...schizzo...we do this to a certain extent and we should get back to doing it more formally. The structure of it actually comes easily to my H because of his work experience. They are trained to communicate like this at work, sans emotions, of course. There is just no room for error.<P>As you can imagine, the breakdown comes when we put emotions into the mix. The sit factor is a problem, too and it is hard to do this while following him around. <P>Fighting For Your Marriage by John Markum and others or A Lasting Promise by Scott Stanley (one of the authors of the other), which is the Christian version of the same book, basically, outlines this method in depth. You might really like it.<P>I got to say sometimes when I have this kind of conversation it reveals the true depth of cluelessness on my H's part and his total inability to read between any line.<P>And a few times when I thought we had the conversation nailed, a day or so later, he has got the same stupid origional perception in his head. In a weaker momemt I told him some of his ideas were like roaches in his head...you can kill them, but they won't die.<P>OK, I have my moments. By the way, for a laugh, Cindy, go over to EN and read about last year's surprise party I posted about...I should learn how to link...it is under my negative communication.<P>What you learned may be a great way for you two to communicate effectively!

You both got me laughing!<P>FHL, I thought you might want to try it on HIM. So, if you guess his feeling, you may still get a blank look?<P>TS, yeah, we want them to do it for us, but maybe you could start on him and it may catch on.<P>Actually, my h said he already knew this technique from his sales training, never used it here, though!

Actually, I tread a fine line here. My H hates when I tell him how he thinks or feels, so I have to be more delicate in my approach and stick to the facts as much as possible.<P>And since I think my H's emotions are sometimes news even to him, they are sometimes hard to uncover.<P>Still we avoid many misunderstandings by using this method of communication.

schizzo,<P>I'm still hanging on waiting to hear if the changes you're H is making are for real!<P>Great idea. <P>I love these little counseling snippets that get thrown in here. <P>Mahalo!<P>Leilana

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>TS, yeah, we want them to do it for us, but maybe you could start on him and it may catch on.<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Good point. That would probably be the best way to remind him. It's tough, though, because he usually doesn't say anything to open up the conversation. And if I see him looking grumpy and ask "What's wrong?", I usually get "Nothin'". He's getting better about responding when I ask. I guess the next step would be getting him to start talking without being asked. I don't always pick up on the non-verbal cues or just don't have the energy to try to drag it out of him.<P>My son is the same way. He was down about something last night and this morning. I asked him what was wrong. "Nothin'".<P>*sigh*<P>